Letter – Inside Four’s Pillow
I sincerely hope you never have to read this. The thought of leaving you in such a place is one I daren’t entertain. If we make it out of here then perhaps I will show you this letter, and be glad that you never had to find it for yourself. Know though, if that is the case, that I sincerely hope to meet the others I never got to talk with. Perhaps I could befriend the people who died whilst I was unconscious? Minoru? Perhaps Saiya? As much as I would like to, I know that that would require my death. I don’t want to hurt you like that Hiromi, not after you vowed to protect me and vice versa. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I could see you despairing without the earthly power to comfort you.
Now, if I do die, please be strong for me. If I am murdered please do your best to find who it was. I shan’t blame them though. God knows what this terrible torture is doing to everyone. If I was the murderer, please know that I am eternally sorry for what I have done, even if there are people I know could not forgive me I ask that you keep in mind that such an act is usually beyond me, and only if I completely lost myself and my sense of morality would I ever kill another being.
Writing this is painful, albeit necessary for me. It’s keeping me sane after the dozenth time I have been locked in that awful room. As is my diary writing, but I kept the largest piece of paper I could find for this, so the one entry I have done so far is rather on the short side. I don’t know where I left it though, so I should go look for it after I’ve written this. I’m not usually so scatter-brained but this was bound to start breaking me down sooner or later.
There are a few things I want distributed, a will of sorts. Novelties I suppose, but I want to help people stay sane and grounded even if I am gone, and this is really the only way I know how. Of course, nobody has to accept what I leave them. I’m not forcing my belongings onto anyone who might be uncomfortable taking them. Firstly, I want Kyo to have my cyberlox. I saw how much she enjoyed wearing Alfie’s horns, even if she was despaired at that point. I want this make her smile again.
In my boredom one night I embroidered the lining of my left arm bracer with the Union Jack, and as such I would like Ichigo to have it. From one Brit to another. Tatsuya spoke so kindly to me and took such an interest in my craft. For that reason, I want him to have the torso of my armour. The little remote that turns on the lights he so marvelled at is also to be his.
Chiau. I feel that I never ended up on the same page as her and for that I feel unfathomably guilty. In honour of her super high school level, I want her to have the left thigh piece of my armour. In the pocket is my grandmother’s crucifix, long since detached from its pendant. It serves as a lucky charm for me in times of need, and I want her to possess that luck.
Nate is who I would like to give my right arm bracer to. He’s a marksman, right? That kind of thing might come in handy. I don’t know though, perhaps it could be modified into a holster of sorts? Kaiko only spoke to me once, and she told me she would always protect me. In my gratitude I want her to have the almost invisible thread I use for discrete clothing mends. Perhaps Kaiko could use it in her puppetry?
Trinket. Such a kind hearted person, that brought up my spirits with her calm and collected demeanour. I suppose I envied her ability to compose herself in such a situation. I want her to have my goggles. I don’t know what purpose they would serve for her, but I want her to have them nonetheless.
Saito is someone that I feel I wronged. Since the trial for Saiya’s death, when I hurt him by trying to pull some of the weight of questioning from Minoru to Kyo, I have felt so much guilt. Perhaps selfishly I started making him an apology present: a clean handkerchief I found became my canvas and I spilled my guilt into the threads. I embroidered a swinging pocket watch, set on the background of a spiral, into the handkerchief. It is under this note in the pillow.
And now you, Hiromi. Someone I vowed to protect and who vowed to protect me. I want you to have the right thigh section of my armour. Inside the pocket in the lining are my needles and thread. The tools of my trade. More than anything else I am leaving behind those are most a part of me. My needles extensions of my fingers, and the thread a medium to express my deepest inspirations and emotions. I am leaving them with you Hiromi, because I trust you more than anyone else on this goddamned Earth right now.
I can’t write any more now. My hands are shaking too much for my writing to be legible for much longer. I can visualise seeing you now after writing this while I’m getting myself food. You’ll probably ask what’s wrong, become concerned again. Hold me like you have a dozen times before and warm me. I’m scared that if you are reading this without me, that you’ll never know exactly how much any of that meant to me. Thank you Hiromi. Thank you.
Felicity Vivienne Lachance
