So Iām treating my anxiety right now, and a central lesson for me has been in distinguishing between my thoughts/feelings and my reactions to them.
This is an incredibly useful construct when it comes to anxiety. Itās been a revelation to understand that itās actually totally normal to have anxious thoughts. When it becomes a problem is when my brainās reaction to them is to latch onto them and follow them where they feel like taking me. Thatās when I feel out of control; thatās when I feel like anxiety is leading me by the nose and intruding on my time and my quality of life.Ā
Iām going to tie this into polyamory, I promise:
I think a fallacy a lot of monogamous people hold about polyamory is that you canāt be polyamorous if you get jealous.
But I think thatās conflating a normal feeling with an outsizedĀ reaction to that feeling.
Anxious thoughts are normal. Jealous thoughts are normal. How our brains (often unconsciously) react to those thoughts is what can make them unpleasant in an outsized way and cause them to linger.
Whatās interesting about jealousy in monogamy culture is the unspoken assumption that the solution to the unpleasantness of living with jealous feelings is to remove as many jealousy triggers as possible. Think it sucks to feel jealous? Then obviously, monogamy is better for you.
As Iāve said many times here, Iām not anti-monogamy. Freely chosen, it is perfectly fine.
But I would encourage anyone who hates feeling jealous to contemplate whether they might be able to change how they relate to their jealous thoughts and feelings.
Maybe, just like anxious thoughts, jealous thoughts arenāt actually the enemy. Maybe theyāre a normal human reality, and if we acknowledge them as normal instead of trying to avoid them at all costs, theyāll hold less power over us.
And I think this is a worthy endeavor regardless of chosen relationship structure. Heaven knows plenty of monogamous people who struggle with jealousy react in an unhealthy wayāinvading their partnerās privacy, or trying to control who they spend their free time with, etc. Even monogamous people who donāt do those things but still struggle with jealousy could benefit from viewing jealousy as a normal thing to let happen and let passĀ rather than an alarm bell that requires action. And yes, sometimes jealousy is a sign that a conversation needs to happen, that a need isnāt being met, or that you have some inner work to doāand thatās totally okayābut sometimes itās not.Ā
Iām not going to say itās easy; taking a step back from anxious thoughts is hard, and the same isĀ true with jealous ones. I just think itās a good lifelong practice to work atāand hopefully one that will get a little easier the more we do it.
snowghoul
pixelskylines
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
ellievsbear
baratheonpilled
