O

Soaking up my 30’s, living out deliberate and fearless dreams * 18 and over, NSFW unless you can hide it really well and have a very forgiving boss

[mscurveball]

Was not expecting that, after being away for this many years following the tumblr apocalypse of 2018, I’d be back because of gay hockey fandom.

[elshalarossa]

What made you want to be poly?

Because I’m absolutely in love with falling in love. 

Because I live for the moment when your stomach drops out underneath you and your pulse races and you realize with absolute certainty that you’re going to be kissed for the first time.

Because I want to know people. REALLY KNOW PEOPLE. I want to get inside them and learn their dark places and discover the strange ways our edges fit together. I want to learn and teach and create and grow and grow.

Because I want to offer support and ask for support and be strong together and be weak together. 

Because I have so much strength to offer, it feels stifling to mould my energy to one solitary partner’s needs. 

Because I have so many weaknesses, so many imperfections, so many egregious flaws, insecurities, and doubts, it feels unfair to foist them all on one, lonely human, to demand that they understand me perfectly, that they always be enough. 

Because I see humans like prisms, refracting their personalities like light, and because I gain nourishment for each band of color within myself from different people and different experiences.

Because nothing in the world feels more natural to me than kissing my friends. Or holding my friends. Or fucking my friends.

Because I want to live in a warm. bolstering place in this cold, touch-starved world. And I’ve managed to create one for myself.

Because it’s worth the effort it takes to make it work, and my work to maintain my lifestyle has nourished the best parts of me – honesty, self-knowledge, respect, bravery, and compassion.

Because why the hell are we on this poorly-insulated rock of a planet if we aren’t going to grab life with both hands and have as many experiences as we possibly can?

Because this is who I am. This is what brings me joy. And who doesn’t want to feel joyful?

[mscurveball]

[daddyfuckedme]

[you-are-another-me]

[rererereree-deactivated20241031]

[ripe]

quit being embarrassed about your interests. we’re all just spinning through time and space on a floating green rock at a thousand miles an hour. it’s all just dust

[dudguacamole]

I refused to accept that my only options were to go at things alone, or to somehow luck out into finding 'the one.'”' It was certainly the antithesis of my political leanings. I was a baby radical who believed in expanding social safety nets, that change could come through collective action, that we as a society had a responsibility to take care of each other. Why, then, did it feel like I was being bombarded with cultural messages from across the political spectrum, that care would come to me in the form of another individual? 

For Feeld (yes, the app) I wrote about my refusal to find a life partner.

[fxlthyangxl-deactivated20240122]

[cargopantsman]

[quickienewyork]

What’s wrong with a little fucking and choking between consenting adults?

[tiktoks-for-dead-pope]

[paper-mario-wiki]

scrolling twitter today and then coming over here is like walking out of a burning building and then walking into the calm remains of a building that burnt down 5 years ago and has been reclaimed by nature.

[cynicalhippie]

[mscurveball]

I want to stay.

[mscurveball]

So let me borrow your heart, my love.

[sherkeys-deactivated20141007]

before I came on this website I considered putting somebody in handcuffs to be the kinkiest thing I’d ever heard of but now let me tell you a thing

[mscurveball]

Where will you be going when Tumblr dies?

I’m not entirely sure.

You see, tumblr was something that I’ve fallen into the way you stumble (heh) into a new world - without planning, without any idea of how much it would open up who you are. It was like infatuation, when you suddenly find yourself caught up in the way someone’s lip curves when they smile or how their face squishes in unguarded laughter, when you become brave and surprising to yourself. It was exciting to find new ideas, see the honesty in relationships that did (and at the same time did not) look like mine. Finding a community of people that were much better at it than me taught me so much - about joy, about communication, about vulnerability and how it’s not wrong to decide what you want your life to look like and to build it in that image - as long as you do it with integrity.

Building a better relationship with my own body and finding freedom in what and how I chose to share gave me more agency over expressing my sexuality. Finding the kind of porn I liked and erotic images that resonated with me was eye-opening, but meeting people who were authentic and unabashedly open about their desires allowed me to explore that within myself. I’ve learned about what I wanted and what I haven’t been allowing myself to want through tumbl, and for that I am so grateful.

I’ve met some of my dearest friends through here, and while I know that we’ll remain close as tumblr as we know it ceases to exist, it breaks my heart to think of connections that could have been and will not - because of how close-minded and cruel this change is. Nudity is not shameful. If someone expressing their sexuality threatens your worldview, you should think long and hard about what that says about yourself.

All this to say I don’t know what the next magical world will be. It’s heartbreaking, but it will be ok. I’ve let go of places before that were nourishing at the time - chat rooms, journals, blogs - places that have helped me along with understanding who I am and what I want out of this life. I’ve been very good at letting go, but I wonder if the next lesson is how to hold on. For now, you’ll be able to see me in Heart’s pictures, and maybe I’ll go back to some of my existing spots. I used to have Twitter, but that was years ago. I had a spot on Wordpress, but that was for some introspection. I still haven’t figured out Snapchat, so it’s a way to find glimpses of people I adore and play around with filters. I’ll find something.

One last thing - unexamined life is not worth living. Tumblr was a way for me to better express what turned me on, what I wanted and what I could explore. And it was an amazing place to meet fellow adventurers. So thank you. Thank you for your kind words, for your sweet messages, for all your talent, for your bravery and making the last several 5 years unforgettable.