Why Ziva didn't tell Tony about Tali's birth
Fair warning, this will be An Essay. If people have other thoughts, please share! As always I thought this would be 2 paragraphs and it's more like 15.
Iβm not sure that Ziva, especially before the 2025 timeline, even understood herself why she hadnβt told Tony about Tali.Β
She was on the precipice of severe depression in 2013. Thatβs what happens when you start to see the bad things in your life as personal (your fault) rather than because of circumstances. (The center of all this pain is me. This is me. It is what I made myself.)
I think for many months she psychologically denied the pregnancy. She went to the doctor and took the vitamins and made herself eat to keep the baby healthy but all the while thinking: there is no way this is real. I donβt think Ziva at that time could imagine the universe making her somebodyβs Ima. Letting her be the one to carry Tonyβs baby. Thereβs a purity to the love of a child and especially one whoβs half the love of her life that she couldnβt imagine deserving or having. She wasnβt the sort of person who deserved to be a mom.Β
Then Tali kicked in her belly for the first time, and it started to become real.Β
But still, she didnβt deserve a family. She didnβt deserve someone filling her house with her favorite foods and driving her to the appointments and crying over the heartbeat. Thatβs what other people get; people who deserve to be loved.Β
The stuff they say ostensibly about him in the prison cell in 1x05 is very much this: "The longer you imagine it [the good things in life] the more real it gets, you know? Which makes seeing that thing threatened, over and over and over, to the point where you actually feel like giving up--Of course, you don't. But you actually think about it."
Then, she gave birth, and she wanted Tony there desperately. And itβs almost like it was her penance. The pain. Missing him and denying herself having him. (Do you remember in Truth or Consequences? βWhat is this, some kind of penance?β/βIt is justified.β Thatβs what her dad taught her to be. A martyr. And she went through so much and thought she was so dark that she believed it.). The longer she went without telling Tony about Tali, the more certain she became that he would hate her. And it is almost like she (not consciously) felt as though she deserved for him to hate her. It was her penance, to do this thing that would hurt him, because how could she possibly deserve his love? He was too good and his love was too steady, too pure, and he loved her too much and he shouldnβt. She had Tali, and Tali loved her because babies love their Ima, and it was her job to make Tali's life beautiful, but that was the only love she allowed herself.Β
She always wanted Tali to have that pure love of Tonyβs because Tali deserved it. So she got out his photo and told Tali: This is your Aba. He is a good man. He loves you so much; he just doesnβt know it yet. She was so steeped in her pain itβs like she couldnβt even think of his. How much it would hurt him to miss her pregnancy and Taliβs babyhood. She never, ever meant that part. She didnβt want to hurt him. (βThe biggest mistake of my life.β)
And when a time came that she was in danger, she knew: he will love Tali as much and as well as he has loved me. More. I think thatβs what is so poignant about when Tali points to the photo and says Aba. It says Ziva always knew how wonderfully heβd love their daughter.Β
Then Ziva went on the run thinking (again not consciously): he deserves Tali more than me. If one of her parents had to be in danger and maybe die, better Ziva than Tony, because Tony loves better, deserves more. He and Tali will be fine without her; sheβs not that great anyway. She's broken. (βIf he knew how bad it was, he would be here.β). Being on the run was another sort of penance. She made herself watch her family from afar, an outsider looking in because she didnβt belong with them.Β
When she came back I think she was mentally still in that place. Consciously sheβd started to develop a belief that she deserved them, but she didnβt feel in her heart that she did. It was a fairy tale to her, and she let herself live it for eighteen months because despite her view of herself, Ziva has always deep down wanted to be happy, been searching for something more. (That is why she slept with him in 2013 after all. She let herself have that.) Tony said things like no mixed messages and maybe us being together is the stability Tali needs and happily ever after and it was such a beautiful lie that she let herself believe it. But she was waiting for the other shoe to drop because thatβs what always happens to Ziva David.
As she started to climb out of the depression, sometimes she thought: Maybe this will be real. Maybe weβll go to therapy and talk about it and maybe heβll actually forgive me.
But he didnβt talk about it, and she was too scared to bring it up because she wanted to believe the fantasy; because she was terrified that he would say: Iβm with you for Tali and because I love you but Iβll never forgive you.Β
His shouting at the wedding. I'm the liar? That's rich coming from you. She always knew. And for a second she was mad at him because what a betrayal to secretly hold this resentment while pretending he could love her. But then she was mad at herself for letting herself become taken with the fairy tale. For thinking she might be forgiven.
Once the shock of it wore off a little, though, she accepted it. By then, sheβd gone through enough therapy to think: maybe itβs not that I donβt deserve to be happy. ("I'm not broken.") Maybe itβs just that what I did while I was so depressed was unforgivable. And Iβm going to have to learn to live with that. I wonβt get that particular happiness, of being with Tony.Β
Thereβs a haunted way she looks at him in early spinoff, which mustβve happened all through 2022-2024. An acceptance: this is the love of my life, and I broke us irrevocably by hurting him and breaking our trust, and now we will never be together. Sheβs been through enough therapy that she no longer believes itβs penance. Just a consequence of her actions (and, sheβs able to see by then, a consequence of his actions, too, by not talking to her about it.) It means that even though theyβll always love each other, sheβs going to have to let him go. Let him fall in love with someone else.Β
Tony had a different, much worse explanation for her lie in his mind. He has always had a lot of self- hatred, so his first thought about why she hadnβt told him about Tali, and why she refused to let him help her on the run, was: She didnβt think Iβd be a good dad. She didnβt think Iβd come if she called and said she was pregnant. She didn't think I'd be delighted and gladly drop everything for them. She thought Iβd abandon her. She thought I wouldnβt love them well enough to want me involved. She didnβt trust me to help her.Β
He was so blinded by that pain, so scared of admitting it even to himself, that he wouldnβt let himself see in 2020-2021 what a lie it was.Β (She sent Tali to him, and he did drop everything for her, as Ziva always knew he would.)
By 2025, though, he's begun to understand. Heβd always been good at calling Ziva out on her overly critical thinking of herself (11x02: This is not you. 7x01: Get over yourself.). But he didnβt in 2020 because it was too wrapped up in his criticism of himself, and he couldn't see it. Because he tried calling her on it in 2013, and she left him, so he thought, maybe this time I can just love it out of her. Maybe calling it out leads to bad things. And also: why canβt I just bury these feelings of betrayal and hurt until they go away, because she deserves nothing but good and light.Β
I think by 2025 Tony has lived with his own pain enough that heβs begun to be able to see hers. Heβs seeing that martyr thing clearly again. Heβs remembering how she said it is justified and tried to make him watch Saleem slit her throat to save him. Heβs remembering the center of all this pain is me. They go on the run together, and he watches her around him, and finally the investigator in him can see her again. The way she looks at him, and how it hurts her to see himΒ with someone else, and how it hurts her when he wonβt let her in. He wonders: could it be that it wasnβt about him? Could it actually be that she thinks she doesnβt deserve him? Could it be that she thinks he wonβt forgive her? Because the thing is, he finds he has.Β
And suddenly he sees her behavior for what it is. No. You go get our girl. Sheβs still trying to do it, he realizes. Give him Tali because he deserves their girl, and sacrifice herself. βYou already know what Iβm thinking.β/βI really hope I donβt cause if itβs what Iβm thinking, you are getting a new therapist.β She touches his arm as she walks away, and she doesnβt really try to outpace him, and suddenly he remembers how to do this with Ziva. How to snap her out of it. Heβs not having the martyr shit anymore. βYou just said we. This is not we...Do I remember the last five years? I kind of do. Do you?β¦if you had tried something like thisβ¦it wouldβve been noble and stupid and I wouldβve let you because I was trying to be supportive because I love you.β Heβs seeing his error there. Admitting without thinking about it that heβs loved her the whole time. (Obviously.) And that he did what he did then (lying, shielding her) out of love.Β
This time though, out of love, he does the opposite of what heβd done in 2020. He chases after her and calls out her stupid self-sacrifice. He yells at her for trying to fight this fight on her own. Heβs not trying to will away her martyr complex by being nice to her or by trying to make her world all soft and fragile, because he sees clearly again that that was the wrong approach.
He sees that her lying about Tali and leaving them was never about him. It was about her inability to let the people she loves put themselves in danger for her. Her lack of belief in 2013 that she deserved to be loved like that. And as someone who loves her, he is not having that. Never, ever again. So he tells her: βI love my family and Iβm not going to lose you again. I just want us to be together.β He was never ok with her being in danger and not letting him help in 2016-2020. He was never okay with her paying some sort of sick penance by not letting him love her and be with her in 2013-2016. And heβs never letting her pull a stunt like that again.Β
Tony always believes in finding some third way. If sheβs a pessimist sometimes, heβs an optimist. As he says in 7x01: βIβm the wild cardβ¦I look at the reality in front of me and I refuse to accept it.β
And the thing is, she actually starts to accept that she shouldn't be a martyr, because she isnβt in that dark place anymore.Β For their relationship to work, she had to find that and believe it for herself.
When she doesnβt insist on turning the control room dial alone, that shows how much progress sheβs made in therapy, since 2013. But also how much his nudge helped remind her that heβd be just as broken over losing her as she would over him, and that she doesnβt need to fight for their family alone.Β
I think a lot of this is just starting to become conscious in 2025. Their own pain has softened enough now that they can see each others'. He can see that she lied because of her own pain. And she can see that he lied precisely because of how much he loves her, and because he too often puts his needs last, even though his pain, his past, mean that what he often needs is reassurance. They probably will talk about it, in pieces, in little moments when theyβre drinking coffee together in the morning or holding each other in bed or on their dates. And when old insecurities lead them to repeat old patterns, they'll pull each other back. Remind each other that they both deserve to be loved like this.
