natsuki was safe with astrid. for now, that is. “she just turned four a month ago but you wouldn’t even know that. even now you know nothing about her. you made your bed years ago. fucking lie in it.”
“no!” he shoots back, a little louder than intended. “i mean... no, it’s not that.” it wasn’t the full story. of course, he wasn’t too fond of word getting out, but not because he wanted to protect some sort of reputation she thought he had, but more because he didn’t think it was anyone’s business that wasn’t involved. “i don’t care what people think of me.” okay, well maybe a little.
but not to the point he would be totally ruined if more than a few people happened to know about what he had done, what he wishes he hadn’t done.
there’s no use in correcting her. she was right. that was exactly what he had done, abandoned her, because he let his parent’s lies crawl into his head.
“whoa-- hey.” brushing him off, or even shouting at him were things that he fully expected from stephanie, but never for her to put her hands on him. and he’s a little shocked by it, is about to let her know until he catches a stray tear.
it feels like someone dumped a bucket of ice water on him, his hands catching her wrists and the annoyance and anger melts off his face in a second. he always hated to see her cry.
“i... good. i don’t want her to have anything of mine.” when he speaks this time, his voice is softer, more sincere instead of being pilled with passive aggressive pettiness. “i don’t deserve to have a part of her, but that’s that i’ve been trying to tell you, stephanie. i don’t deserve it, but i want it.”
now that she’s back in his life-- albeit, a little maliciously, he doesn’t want to give up the miniscule chance he might have. “and i know. i do know how old she is.” he might not know her birthday or much of anything about her, but he at least knows roughly when she was born, even to keep track of the years. “and as much as i would love to just lie here and take everything you have-- i’m not running this time.... just so you know.”
and he’s never been more serious about something in his life. she could look and see