letters I can’t send
I talked to my friend before I left the office and asked what they were doing after school. They said seeing a movie with another friend. When I asked which one, they hesitated and said sheepishly said “Supergirl” — the movie that they made a big deal about seeing with me — then said “and I’ll go see it again with you!” I said “I hope you guys have fun” and that’s pretty much where that conversation ended. I know I don’t have monopoly on going to the movies with people, but I’ve been burned one too many times regarding movie dates for that to affect me in a normal way.
That’s what started all of this. I was upset about the movies and started crying, AND I just started my period, so I started thinking about everything and started crying more.
It sucks because I feel like I can’t talk to you anymore. You said you want to be friends, but where is that line? My friends listen and talk and make plans. We just send 8 ball. I’m so grateful that you let me come over the other day. I love seeing you. I miss seeing you. We shouldn’t have slept together. Not because I didn’t want to, but now that door is open again. Chattanooga was a bittersweet bow, but we closed all the loops, we tied loose ends. A flirty kiss on the porch is one thing, but that unraveled it all. You didn’t deserve to see those marks. I wore pants to your house for a reason. I was ashamed and didn’t want you to know. I should’ve been stronger in the moment. AB and their new partner in the photo booth at Mom’s is what set me off. I was third wheeling hard. They were being so nice about it, but that’s what it was. They took two sets of pictures, one for each of them. It made me realize that when I took our photo strip down when I was packing, I didn’t know that I’d never put it up again. Crying alone on the couch at Mom’s at 1:30am while your friends take cute coupley photo booth pictures is extremely harrowing. I made a call and did something that I felt like I needed in the moment. I couldn’t have called you, that would’ve been pitiful. To show up on your doorstep drunk and crying in the middle of the night? Not very cutesy behavior.
I just want things to be normal again, but they never will be — not like they were. And it’s the little things like that every day that just break me. That’s why I can’t stay friends with exes. I leave too much of myself behind. My loyalty is fierce, and you haven’t done anything to break it. Every time I see you, I’m reminded about how easy it is, which makes it all so much harder. You letting me sleep on your couch, you calling me baby because it’s muscle memory, you sitting in front of me because you know I’ll play with your hair, me smiling when you sat down because I knew exactly what that meant. I don’t regret sleeping with you, but if that was really the last time, I wish it hadn’t have been so quick.
I sit on my porch all the time, everyone knows that. I sit on my porch every Wednesday because that’s the closest I’ll be to you. You’re 600ft away from me for 3 hours every week, and all I do is watch and wait. My heart drops every time a white car passes. It drops further when I realize that it’s not yours. After it gets dark, I go inside, open the blinds, and turn on the porch light and the lamps. Once 10:30pm comes and goes, I close the blinds, turn off the lights, and feel stupid for doing it in the first place. Then the next Wednesday comes around, and I do it all again like clockwork.
I wonder if you notice. I wonder if you look for my car when you drive past. I wonder if you know that every light in the house is on every Wednesday. I wonder if you know you’re always welcome, and how much a double edged sword that really is. I wonder if you would ever reach out and ask to see me like I have to you. I wonder if that’s a boundary you have for yourself.
Aaaaand it’s almost my birthday, and we never went to the movies together, and my stupid AC unit is so damn loud.
-mel 6/25/26 11:34pm
