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Happy birthday to me

He came back. now they are happy and they feel good, but not for me. I don't want to live with a man who threw me. I just recently did not know what to do with tutors, because we didn’t have enough money. I needed clothes, some things but I didn’t ask, because I understood that it was difficult for mom. he did not think about me for weeks, stupidly walked up as much as he wanted. didn't even celebrate the new year with us. And now he appeared as if nothing had happened. and all at once forgot the past, but not I can’t forget how I was thrown. I don’t want to repeat that. dad didn’t live at home all my childhood, he hung out far from us and now he wonders why I don't feel anything for him. It became unbearable to communicate with my mother too. She protects him, does everything for him to stay. we can say that he now lives in a five-star hotel.but they stupidly scored on my feelings. I said that I don’t want to live with him and communicate. and they tell me that I'm egoist. it’s me leaving the family and leaving everyone, it’s me showing my principles, because I’m not yet mature enough to reason adequately. but they do not see themselves, they make themselves angels. but it is because of them that I no longer want to communicate with them. I can’t walk up and tell my mom how my day went. she doesn't give a damn now. she's good in that family. there is a good husband, a son, and in addition they bought a dog. eat various delicious dishes, hang out with friends. and I disturb everyone. even now. I live with my grandmother, but I interfere with them. they feed me and give me housing, but I am again an obstacle, I am a burden. I was offered food, but I refused, then they call me selfish again. they want to buy me for food, like a cheap prostitute. I don't want to take a ruble from them, but pay for rehearsals. Therefore, I do not ask for money anymore for anything like lessons. I don’t have clothes for the summer, I cannot go to my friend’s birthday because I don’t have enough money and clothes. (I have only two T-shirts and I go to school in them, and she sees them every day). I would like to celebrate my birthday with friends, but it takes about 4 thousand, but I don’t want to take them from my parents, because I’ll turn into a money extortionist again.I am lost.

I hate myself

From my "father" there is only word. He's a rare fucker. It is worth starting with the fact that he frayed mom's nerve. She lost 10 dramatically !!! kilogram. This is a lot and very harmful. For the second month now he has not given money and lied with the phrase: I do not have them. Where the fuck can mom get them? Go to the track?Do you think I don't know anything and will treat you well? Fuck you. I hope I grow up, earn so much that my mother never works and you will live in a barn. . Why do you leave such a stench behind you fucker?

I wanted to go to St. Petersburg with a class, but this trip is changing and I'm even glad. I don’t want to spend the money I need now. Mom wanted to go to the shops with me and buy something new, but she had only 500 rubles left on the card. but we still have to live on something. I have graduation soon and I need to pass 5000 to school, 6000 to a restaurant and about 5000 to dress and that's not all. Where can my mom get that amount of money? I feel very sorry for her. She no longer has any nerves left, because she simply does not know where to get the money.

I want to pass my exams well and go to St. Petersburg. But to get good scores, you have to prepare hard. In English I have a tutor, in Russian the teacher at school will pull me up. In mathematics, the same at school is a good educator. But my homeroom teacher is terrible. she doesn't care how we pass the exams. She spends her energy on pupils from other classes. She could not check my variant for 2 weeks or more. How should i prepare? I want to hire a tutor, but I understand that my mom may not be able to pay so much. That's a lot. But what should I do ??? Godmother bought herself a new car, her son works, her daughter goes to a good college for free, has an apartment and a house, gets a good salary, spends a lot on herself. Another aunt has an apartment, a house, two cars. The son studies in Moscow and works, the husband earns good money. I do not envy them, but I just regret that my family does not have such a wealth. I am very glad that everything is getting better for them. I want this to be in my family too. It all comes down to money. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what will happen next. I am very afraid to fail. This means that my mother will live in poverty for a long time to come. I do not want it so. I want to apply for free. I want to make money tutoring in the evenings. I want to live in a hostel in St. Petersburg so as not to pay the rent. I want my mother to help her, not me. How can this be done? There is only one way out - to work and work. I have been lazy the last days, but now it seems to me that I will start work. At first I didn’t want to write it, but now I understand that when I spoke, it may not have become easier, but clearer.

P.S. Now I was re-reading it and understood the misery of our situation. May we be all right.

Nastya, you can do it.

I haven't been here for a long time. I have accumulated a lot of information that I want to tell. Why did I decide to write this exactly today at 12 at night? Because I'm being ignored by two of my friends. One I sent a lot of funny videos, but she did not watch them, although she was online. Another does not go specifically to the social network so as not to respond to my messages. I understand that I might bore someone, but why ignore? Why can't you just come in and read what I wrote. In addition, she asked to help me solve a problem that I had already done and only the answer did not agree. But no, you need to excuse yourself in any way, just so as not to waste time on me.

The next sad event in my life is school. These grades are killing me. I don’t know what will come out at the end of this half-year in my diary, but I feel that it’s not good. Thanks to the math teacher, who gives 4 error for 1 and does not even give the opportunity to peep at least a little. The same appeal to the Russian language teacher, who assesses the work in the same way. How I hate to sit at 2 desks in full view of everyone. Why should I write myself and thus earn the same grade as the people in the back who have the ability to cheat? It’s very bitter and hard in my heart because I cannot get half a medal. I don't want to let my mother and grandparents down.

My parents divorced. It became easier for me to live without a father, because now no one bothers, does not interfere, yells and does not throw tantrums (well, except for my brother). They began to live more calmly, but not to the end. Mom doesn't have enough money for a lot, and Dad doesn't care. He is not going to do anything about it, he pretends that he is the worst of all. And what is mom to do? Go to the track? Should I get a job at 16? I hope Masa will soon find herself a good and rich man who will make her even happier.

Mom's birthday is coming soon. I'm going to buy her some household chemicals and some cosmetics for 1000. I will try to take everything that is not too terrible quality. In addition, I want to buy a bouquet for 300-400 rubles and with all these things come to her work and give a gift. There is no one else to please her but me.

I miss my grandparents. I want to go back to the village to watch the starfall. Even now, tears flow from my eyes just at the thought of my grandparents.

Next year I have exams. Of course, I know that I will not write very badly, but I want to do everything perfectly in order to enter St. Petersburg for free education. At the moment, this is my main goal in life.

Lately, I often look at myself in the mirror. I consider myself beautiful, then ugly, which even a dog will not look at. In the end, I settled on the fact that I am a pretty girl, but not pretty enough to be liked by someone. If they told me to describe myself, then I would say my name in English - Nastya, which is very consonant (and sometimes similar in spelling) with the word nasty, which means nasty.

I don't want to end on such a bad note. I would like to add that I love my parents, my family, friends, pets, BTS and wish everyone happiness, goodness and health. I hope, diary, that we will not meet soon, because every our meeting is accompanied by a stone in our souls.

P.S. I usually re-read what I write, but now I just can't.

I feel a little hard at heart, but I try to cope. My father is a fool. My mom feels bad because of him. I hope that next year will be even better than 2020.

They gave me a full-length Jungkook, a strawberry cow, facial cosmetics, a cactus, a painting to paint. I look forward to December 31st to give my mom a present. I also want a rather summer to live with my grandparents.

During the holidays, I plan to paint a picture, study social studies and repeat words in English. I really want to pass the Unified State Exam for a good grade and get a license and enter a prestigious university to live in another country, have a dream job and move my mother there.

I hope we can handle it and my dreams come true. I will try. Happy New Year everyone! ✨

Happy New Year 🎉✨

Hi, I haven'tt seen you for a while. Now for some reason I'm very sad and this has been going on for several days. I feel a little devastated, not just tired, but rather more tired. Lately they often shout at me or swear at me. I don't even know why people do it. They've been in a very bad mood lately, and I'm the victim. She also began to feel a lot of shame about her actions. I will write something - ashamed, I will say something - ashamed. I don't even know why this is. I seem to be doing everything right, well, but in my head I imagine it as a terrible immoral act. This is all very strange, but this is actually the case and there are prerequisites for this. When I write in chats, I get ignored, it's easy to complain about me. really very sad.

I feel very sad again. Again she ignores my voice messages and doesn't think about me. This situation is repeated again. This is the second time I regret that I renewed my friendship with her. Dad was very stupid about my phone. He always ruffled his tongue that he knows more and better than anyone, and in this situation, even the contract could not read normally. Now I have no extra money for the phone I want to buy. I don’t want to take money from my mother, because they have a hard time with money now.

Happy birthday to me 🎂🎉🎈💜

I want to buy myself magazines with posters, I understand that there is no room for them. sad enough about it. Why buy them and just stock them? I'd rather save money for a concert

I was left without a new phone. There was a broken pixel on it, which can grow. Because of this, we will have to return it to the store and will consider our complaint within 10 days. Only then will I return the money or replace the phones. I am very offended, because I’m already so used to it, I’ve already set everything up for myself, I don’t want to give it away. But this point pisses me off, it's a shame that the new phone turned out to be like that.

Mom bought me a phone. I'm very happy, because of this money I've to give only 5,000, and she gives me the rest for my birthday. Grandmother said she would pay this amount for me, also for my birthday. I am very happy, because now I've a good phone, with an excellent camera, with a lot of memory. Only there are nuances that upset me. The first is a broken pixel. It looks like a small white dot. It does not interfere and is practically invisible, but I don’t like it. I also got a non-native screen. It blocks the selfie camera, which makes the image a little worse. Tomorrow we'll go with dad to figure it out. Of course I don't know what they'll answer us, but I hope that the screen will be changed. I'm very sorry to disappoint my mother, because she will take the blame for not having to buy a phone, etc.

I just want to say that I love my family and BTS. I wish the boys will the best in their new comeback. Fighting.

I'm so sad

My tutor raised the price of the class and it seems to me that too much and my parents will be harder.

Lisa left the village. The feeling that children from the camp are driving around. Sad and lonely. I also wanted to leave before, but again I want to stay here as long as possible.

I felt the atmosphere that soon to school, stress, fatigue. I do not want. I love the village, calm, silence, grandmother and grandfather. I do not want to leave.

Maybe this is a stupid monthly made me so sentimental, but I am sad and a little hard on my soul. I hope for tomorrow it will pass.

I'm very sad again. I feel discouraged. I want to go to school, change something in my life. I'm getting bored of any little shit. I was tired of rest.

They bought me three beautiful new blouses, a bag, ballet flats. There are still a few things left to buy for the school. I really want to get into a new school, because I'm a little tired of this summer. All I do is learn languages, and I can't start reading a book. I want to change something. Of course, I like what I am doing now, but I want variety. The more I want to get to know my classmates, teachers. This is all new to me, that's why it beckons so much. I hope that we will not have quarantine at school, because first I need to find out which teachers require what and how, and then do their homework for them. You also need to find out from whom you can ask to write off, and who will send you right away.

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