(Or as I've seen it referred to, “Back II Brooklyn”, which has the naming quality of a straight to DVD Leprechaun sequel)
It's SummerSlam weekend and, more importantly than that, it's time for NXT TakeOver's return to the Barclay Center! Last year's event was spectacular, mostly now known for having the greatest women's match in WWE history and one of the best matches of 2015 as Bayley finally unseated Sasha Banks in an emotional bout to become the NXT Women's Champion.
Now, Bayley has a different challenge as she attempts to regain her title from Asuka, who just might be the most dangerous woman in the world. Samoa Joe, who now reigns as champion, must defend his title against the verifiable international superstar, Shinsuke Nakamura.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Ember Moon Debuts
She will likely have a partner named before next week's show and it will likely be someone like Billie Kay (after the fact note: It's Billie Kay) or Aliyah but, and this is meant as no sleight to the opponent, this match is all about Ember Moon. Ember is the former Athena, one of the best women's wrestlers in the world back when she was on the independent scene. As anyone who listens to even a marginal percent of my wrestling rambles could tell you, I've been eagerly awaiting her arrival ever since news broke that she signed. I had been expecting to see her in Dallas but now, finally, I get to see her live in New York. If all goes well, I see it as an easy prediction that she becomes one of the lynchpins of this current wave of NXT women, along with Asuka (notice I didn't say Bayley). Also, color me wrong, but I do believe this is the first time a female talent was set to make her in-ring debut at a TakeOver. Asuka at least appeared on NXT before facing Dana Brooke.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Ember Moon, the one with the vignettes and and the encroaching debut, should probably win.
MUSCLE HYPE: Lip biting, fist shaking anticipation. Like the initial hype for Final Fantasy VII, that feverish hope for a new generation, only this time, there is no reset button.
No Way Jose vs. Austin Aries
No Way Jose is that guy that is popular in some circles despite the fact that he hasn't shown any real in-ring talent. Sure, he can dance and all, but Adam Rose was popular, too. But that is too harsh, I realize. In his NXT debut, Jose gets his first real, actual match against a great talent in Austin “Please stay off social media” Aries. The feud starter to this was actually pretty well booked and well performed, as Aries beat up Jose while he was trying to get Austin to dance (and ARIES is the bad guy?). I don't expect much, but this is time for Jose to show something more than dancing and having wild hair.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Austin Aries, but in a dastardly manner
MUSCLE HYPE: Incredibly low. Wish they would do something more with Aries. Think: my personal trials with Final Fantasy VIII, which everyone seems to love but which was the catalyst in getting me to stop playing FF games all the way up to this day. I mean, I guess this match isn't quite as dire.
The Revival, naturally have been appropriately praised as one of the best tags going today. After not only winning back their tag titles but cleanly beating American Alpha, The Revival have been a dominant tag force.
Right around a year ago, Gargano and Ciampa showed up on loose contracts; outsiders who appeared in NXT with some regularity, even being involved in the Dusty tag tournament. Since then, they've greatly improved their presence, including an incredible match in the first rounds of the Cruiserweight Classic. In NXT, they've been on a tear through the tag division, with impressive synchronicity, bringing out the best of their offense in one another. Now, with heightened exposure from their CWC match and official contracts, they look to claim their first bit of NXT gold.
By all accounts, the house show matches between these two have been amazing, and I expect that and more in Brooklyn. My dislike of early '10's Ciampa is thankfully dead and gone, and with that you find that all four men in this match are incredible talents. People throw around the term “show stealers” all the time, but this is perhaps one of the best potential examples of it in recent memory. The Brooklyn crowd is going to go nuclear, and me and a few of my friends will be at ground zero.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Imagine if GarCiampa win? But, I think logically The Revival win, with a comeback story later for CiamGano.
MUSCLE HYPE: The mouth-agape kind of hype, the wide eyed, slack bodied kind. Like the marketing blitz and initial rush when Final Fantasy VII came out. Only, I guess, this match is more like a sleeper hit.
Andrade “Cien” Almas vs. Bobby Roode
Almas has stumbled from the starting gate, mostly due to no fault of his own. He won against the fan favorite Tye Dillenger, and it seems resentment of that win has carried over. That, and they've done nothing with Almas for a story and for a character. Roode makes his big in-ring debut here, which screams that his winning will be inevitable. Other than a great Aries title match in 2012 or so, I've not seen Roode at all since his cheap knockoff “Million Dollar Man” gimmick back in TNA before even Beer Money was formed, and I despised him then. By all accounts he's gotten quite good, and his recent promo and incredible song has put me firmly in the “wait and see” camp with him. There's little to this feud except establishing characters, but I'm hoping Roode and impresses and that Almas can finally show what he's capable of.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Bobby Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--
MUSCLE HYPE: Curious. Final Fantasy IX: a game I've never played but by all accounts is good and seems quite good looking, much like Almas. MMM girl.
I've been preaching it all year. I've been howling from rooftops, feral and bold. I've been a one-man crusade speaking for the righteousness of my god. Since it happened, I've been singing exultant the praises of the criminally unloved Bayley/Asuka title match from TakeOver Dallas.
This is a clear case of my being the only sane man in the world of the mad. I insisted, correctly, that Bayley/Asuka I was not only one of the best women's matches this year, but one of the best wrestling matches period, and were it not for the better storyline and build for Bayley/Banks I from Brooklyn last year, I would say that Bayley/Asuka was technically superior. Hell, the first match still ranks as one of my top ten this year, and I would say it was one of the best women's matches of 2016 were it not for Io/Satomura from July.
I speak many opinions but I scream mostly facts. Fact is, Bayley/Asuka I was outstanding, and were it not for Zayn/Nakamura it would have been the best match on the card. Yes, even over Alpha/Revival. Do not doubt me in this. I have slayed for less.
Such is the state of this world, that has allowed the Brexit to occur, that has fostered individuals who somehow think that Baron Corbin and Eva Marie are in anyway worth watching, that has led Trump to get as far in the election as he has, that foolishness reigns supreme. This sick world has also bred deviants who were apathetic at that stellar encounter.
The. Only. Sane. Man.
Whatever. They have a rematch and they'll have to prove the entire world wrong again when they have another outstanding match. Oh well.
This one has more of a story going in; Bayley has, again, run through a minor redemption arc, as she lost the title, lost to and got injured by Nia Jax. She recovered and defeated Nia Jax. Asuka, meanwhile, led Nia to her best match yet and has soundly routed all comers. As I mentioned in my NXT write up, it's an intriguing dynamic to see the calm Asuka take on the aggressive Bayley. These two excelled in Dallas, and clearly someone agreed with me as they are set to excel again in Brooklyn.
Everything about the story sets up a cathartic Bayley win. Except, that's the last thing I want to have happen. I feel that Bayley needs to lose to open her up with a run on the main roster, perhaps on Smackdown as the premiere face of their division. Asuka, meanwhile, should solidify her reign and for her to go on to face Ember Moon. I believe there's seedlings of this idea, as Moon/Asuka have been tearing it up on the house show circuits of late.
I could be wrong, but I correctly predicted this thing from Dallas on to Brooklyn so far. I can see Bayley winning – again, this whole story is set up for her to do so – but Bayley is done in NXT. She should be on the main roster to try and get as much well deserved cash as she can get before WWE finds some way to screw her up.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Asuka
MUSCLE HYPE: Much high, insatiable. Like Final Fantasy II, their last match was a masterpiece though over shadowed and seemingly ignored. This time they get a re-release, and I believe people will finally understand how god damn right I was the first time.
Samoa Joe has had his most impressive run since his early TNA days; ever since dropping the meh Corbin feud from last year, he has been imposing and dangerous, delivering great matches and brutal moments. He comes into this the confident beast emperor, ready to destroy all challengers, regardless of their supposed fame and status.
Nakamura has become perhaps the most captivating wrestler in all of the WWE since the orgasmic Zayn match in Dallas. He's mostly been wiping the earth clean of jobber mooks, with occasional gems like his match with Aries (which took awhile to pick up) and his recent match against the departing Finn Balor. Nakamura is one of the best big match wrestlers in the world, and his serene, eccentric demeanor hides a vicious competitor who's not here just on being weird alone.
This has been another old school feud set up, which NXT does well, where Nakamura was simply next as he defeated the NXT icon Balor. Joe wanted no part of the title match, though not because of cowardice but because he believes being champion means dictating your own fate. There's an extra layer of a non-physical feud with Regal here, as Joe wants to destroy Nakamura to: keep his title, prove his superiority, and to spite Regal. This match is going to be physical, it's going to be knee joints in faces and red chests, and it's going to be great.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: The undefeated Nakamura
MUSCLE HYPE: Off the charts. Fever pitched, Vibrating. Deep muscle tissue tremors. Final Fantasy VI. Yes, that good.
SummerSlam
In a case of the “don't feel like it” persuasion, I am giving a truncated FLEX for SummerSlam, which actually does not look all that bad, despite my low interest in a huge chunk of matches. Perhaps the biggest deterrent for me, however, is that as of this writing there are NO matches for the likes of Zayn, Cesaro, and Wyatt. Zayn is particularly confounding. Hopefully they get something by next week, though the fact that Zayn has not long since been included on the card speaks ill of the company. To no one's surprise.
Low hype. The Miz will always be a far better talker than a wrestler. Crews, for the first time since joining the WWE, has actually looked good the past few weeks on Smackdown, though I don't know if he's confident enough yet to get something out of Miz. Miz to retain.
Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens
Mid-low hype. I love the guys, but Amore and Cass are not the best wrestlers around. This match will be worth it, however, for the incredible interactions of Jericho and Owens, who will doubtless carry the match across their Canadian expanses. Jericho and Owens to win.
There's some chicanery here, what with Big E being storyline injured. Guns and Gallows have firmly midcarded their way into my apathetic heart. I predict New Day will win with some DQ kerfuffle.
High, high hype. These two had probably the best RAW match of the year a few weeks ago, and will likely top themselves on this larger stage. This match had been planned for months and big things are no doubt expected of it. Banks to retain.
Low, low hype. Incredibly low. Neither man is all that joyous for me to watch. Rusev is an in-ring bore, and Reigns just does not have the talent to lead anyone to a decent match. Plus, I automatically reject the redemption story of the WWE trying to rehabilitate Reigns; that is, if the rumors are true. This may surprise me, but I don't expect it to. Reigns to win the US title.
John Cena vs. AJ Styles
Low-high hype. Their last match was a mite disappointing, but still excellent. I think both are going to bring their top shelf game for this one. Expect Cena to firmly get his win back.
Much hyped. Ziggler is generally despised by internet fans, who's opinion quickly nose dives when you see how much they like the idiotic Eva Marie angle. This angle has been well constructed, and I think we will see something special out of both as they try to prove the detractors wrong. Ambrose to retain.
Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins
Most hyped. These two are premiere talents with similar styles, and will likely mesh well together in the ring. This is going to rock the Barclay Center, and is my prediction for match of the night. Furthermore, I'll throw in a surprise and say Balor wins and becomes the first WWE Universal Championship. It'll be like a birthday present for HHH.
Brock Lesnar vs. Randy Orton
Low hype. Yes, quite low. There's not been a single moment of this feud that has intrigued me, even the much overblown RKO spot on RAW. Orton is over hyped as a good wrestler, and Brock has been lamentable since “Suplex City” became a thing. If either can diverge from their standard settings this could be something, but it's not the dream match they are making it out to be. I expect to be surprised, but I am still going in uninterested in this battle of the PED users. Orton to shock everyone, sure.
In addition, there are two more matches that have popped up since I started writing this. Cesao and Sheamus are having their first of seven series with an irrelevant match with an equally void outcome. It should actually be good, as the two have had matches before that basically involved them drinking protein shakes while watching New Japan matches and then giving it a try on PPV. This match contains no Sami Zayn.
There's also a three-on-three...well, three-on-two women's match, as the Smackdown female excess of Carmella, Becky Lynch, and Naomi take on Natalya and Alexa Bliss. Eva Marie was supposed to be on team she-sinister, but in a forehead slapping real life mind boggle she got suspended for a wellness policy. It seems that they are keeping it a handicap match for now. Nikki Bella (ugh) is cleared to come back, and there is the Bayley factor, but neither make much contextual sense as they would be presumed faces showing up on heel teams.
But then, that makes more sense than having your second biggest show featuring PED users, Carmella, Naomi, Bliss, at one point Eva Marie, and no fucking Sami Zayn.
(Addendum: Sami Zayn is now teaming with Neville against the Dudleys on the pre-show. So, yay.)
No All Japan Women's Classics this week, as the site I normally go to has not uploaded a new episode in around two weeks.
Cruiserweight Classic #5
In this episode we are faced with the first of the silly named “Sweet Sixteen,” those wrestlers who were able to make it passed the first round. The first round was effective in that you pained for a lot of the wrestlers eliminated, and that worry will only increase in the second round, as most of these are named individuals. The big first round blow off from last week, Gargano vs. Ciampa, was one of the biggest examples of this notion.
Gran Metalik vs. Taijiri kicks off the second round. Taijiri surely must be one of the most physically intelligent wrestlers around, having found a style that enabled him to last so many years while still being able to put on excellent matches, as he does here. Other than a moonsault or so, you could match up footage from this match with footage from his old ECW/WWE days and barely notice a difference.
Metalik has age and agility on his side, but what's interesting is how Taijiri forces him into a ground game early on; what's even more interesting is how adept the luchador actually is at it, and is able to more than keep up with the experienced Taijiri. Eventually Taijiri takes over, forcing Metalik to kick in the aerial assault. It's a great back and forth match, which Metalik wins, which, if you can divorce yourself from Taijri's talent and his long standing popularity, is the right call.
Here's what else is fantastic about the match beyond even the top notch ring work: both guys came out of this looking great. Metalik looked great not only from beating an elder statesman, but also by being able to show how diverse his move-set is and keeping up with his opponent in a field he is not known to be skilled in. Taijri looks great for nearly beating someone roughly twenty years his junior and for still being able to look great even all these years on.
It's a great match, with shades to the Taijiri/Super Crazy joy bouts of old. Metalik moves on, and I believe he faces the winner of Tozawa/Gallagher. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
Just to get it out the way: yes, the much hyped Cedric Alexander vs. Kota Ibushi match is every bit as incredible as the swirling rumors and taping spoilers had suggested, and probably a bit more than that.
Last week's Gargano/Ciampa match came in with an advantage of having a built in story before it even began; that is, tag partners and close friends forced to fight each other in an elimination tournament match. There was, really, no such narrative going into the Alexander/Ibushi match, though it's impressive that they were able to find a simple one.
Alexander was well liked and all, but his star tended to pale in comparison to Kota Ibushi, one of the biggest commodities in wrestling. During the course of the match, however, you see how Alexander, despite his comparatively obscure status, is an incredible talent himself, able to keep in step and occasionally surpass the Golden Star. Fans quickly jumped on the Alexander bandwagon, while long time fans such as myself continued to scrath their heads bloody, wondering how Ring of Honor did nothing with the guy for five years or so. It's a strange time when you can see that a WWE division handled an indie talent better than Ring of Honor. Strange days.
It's a phenomenal match, obviously. The crowd cannot stop yelling, the moves are fierce and impactful, the strikes are surprisingly violent and loud. This match is the kind of star making performance folks hoped would be the hallmark of the Classic, and it failed to fail. This match also has some of the closest, most dramatic near falls since 2007 era Ring of Honor. It was exciting, nail biting, and even figuring that Kota was going to win, never leaned off its dramatic edge. Kota did win, and it became despairing when you realized that Alexander was out, but it was an incredible match all told.
The ending was in many ways just as emotional as the buddy sit-down from last week, with the added advantage of realism. Fans chanted for Alexander all the way to the back, going so far as the cheer “Sign Cedric” or something to that effect. Welling up with tears, Triple H comes out and congratulates him, bringing him to the back where, it had been suggested, he was signed on the spot. Great moment, great match, great tournament, and what the fuck were you thinking, ROH? MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2
NXT 08/10/16
Bobby Rooooooooooooooooooooooooo walks out of Regal's office rubbing his hands! I, well, okay! It seems Roode has a match at TakeOver but AGAINST WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
Oddly, the contract signing starts the show (“You guys start with that?”). Bayley and Asuka get ready to sign their contracts. It's a great little mirror moment of character traits: Bayley is usually the light-hearted and nice one, here coming out somewhat informally dressed, spending the segment aggressively insisting that she is going to beat down Asuka and take her title back. Asuka, almost exclusively known for being a horrific devil beast in the ring, comes out classy and elegant, and responds with coolness to the simmering Bayley.
Despite terse words being traded, the contract signing ends with no physical confrontation, proving that women are better at these things and yes I am ignoring the Jax/Asuka contract signing okay.
Whatever the case, it's Asuka vs. Bayley II in Brooklyn, and I would be lying if I said it was not the match I am anticipating most.
The Authors of Pain take on the enhancement talent from last week, and this goes the way that these things go. AoP looks relatively solid; I'm forever hesitant about the wrestling ability of large sod humans, but they looked like they had a bit more in their stock. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Shinsuke Nakamura is going to go looking for Joe. I utterly imagine Nakamura getting lost, and then not really minding and kind of enjoying what new, mysterious paths he finds in his travels.
Andrade “Cien” Almas goes after Angelo Dawkins. It's a squash match, yes, but Dawkins looked decent, while Almas shined. Almas, thankfully, has a new finisher, a hammerlock DDT like the independent CM Punk days. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Roode comes out and announces in the dickiest way possible that he's taking on Almas at TakeOver. Almas clearly does not understand but goes along with it. Almas is great, but after being put against the more popular Tye and not having anything in the form of direction, he has already somewhat “just a guy.” A competitive, longer match with someone who presumably knows that they're doing might help in endearing fans more to Almas, but on the other hand Roode is more well known.
Austin Aries assholes his way into getting a match with No Way Jose, thanks to Aries' dickness prompting Regal to assign the match. I think this is also at TakeOver.
Billie Kay and Liv Morgan go at it. They are clearly trying to build something here with Kay, as she has been out for the second week in a row with new music and gear. Jersey girl Liv Morgan is her opponent, who came into NXT with a more distinctive look (think: Carmella, but less poser).
It's a sloppy match, but it does what it needs to do. I thought Morgan looked the more impressive, with more obvious potential, but that's not discounting Kay at all. Kay wins, so there's that. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Gargano and Ciampa tell Regal that they are already back on the same page after their harrowing match last week. Which is good, as they face The Revival at TakeOver. Sweet.
Speaking of, TommGano take on a jobber squad, one of whom is the Tough Enough guy with the patriotic tights, Patrick Clark. TommGano look incredible in this match, and the squash does wonders for building the hype for their Revival title match at TakeOver. As much as I am psyched for the other matches, Gargano and Ciampa taking on The Revival have a very real chance of thieving away the entire show. There is a very real chance of this occurrence. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
This is clearly a very special episode of Mojo Rawley, as it not only has his best promo ever (as he talks about getting even, not hyped, with Samoa Joe) but he has his best match ever. Sure, it's a mostly one sided squash match as he's ruined by Samoa Joe, but it's one of the only times I've not completely hated seeing Mojo on screen. But then, rationality wins out, as you realize he is only getting the shine off of the resplendent Samoa Joe, who is doing his best work since “X-Division Killer” in TNA. Joe takes a few hits but mostly wins in dominating fashion, and now I can relax in watching a Mojo-less show for the time being. Great Beast King Joe has banished another from the land. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
He continues beating down Mojo, enamoring me to Joe even further, until Nakamura arrives. Joe is so incensed at his presence that he tries to go after him before being restrained by a billion security guys. Nakamura, in classic Nak fashion, mimes stealing his nose. It's an odd visual: the beasting, raging Joe being helped back by an ocean of security, as Nak casually plays a trick that uncles learn when their siblings have kids. But it works. Joe/Nakamura is going to be great.
STRAPEDIUS REVIEW:
As of the early morning of this writing, the G1 Climax 26 has finally come to a close, and it has had possibly the best closing stretch of shows I've ever seen. I was (justifiably) down on this G1 early on, but like an epic match it picked up pace around the halfway point and refused to let up until the end, with the last few shows in particularly ruining MOTY lists for many fans, including myself.
In the last night for Block A, Okada and Tanahashi went up against each other one more time. Everything was riding on this match, as whomever won would win the block and proceed to the finals. Meanwhile, Hirooki Goto was waiting in the wings, desperate for a draw, as that result would allow Goto to progress to the finals instead.
Okada and Tanahashi proceeded to have an incredible, powerful match, which is what you would come to expect from the two. With seconds to spare, Tanahashi hit the High Fly Flow...only for time to run out. More over, Okada still kicked out. Both only earned one point, and in a shocker Goto went to the finals.
In the final night for Block B, it came down to Naito and Kenny Omega. Again: the winner would move on to the finals, no questions asked. They proceeded to have what just might be my favorite match of the tournament, with incredible limb work and story telling. One of my favorite spots is the devious Naito hitting a German on Omega. Naito knew that Omega would either have to take it or flip out, which he did, landing on his already injured leg and causing more pain. The camera then zoomed in on a smirking Naito.
Fucking genius.
The closing stretch was also an actual nail biter, an excitable closing to an excellent match. Omega just could not deliver the One Winged Angel due to his damage leg, but this still did not deter him from trying once more. He did, until Naito escaped, forcing Omega to quickly modify the move into his old Croyt's Wrath finisher. One more One Winged Angel later and Omega got the upset win. Omega and Goto for the finals!
The finals proper was every bit as exciting and memorable as the previous G1 finales, with a crowd that mostly sided with Omega. Omega pulled off one of the greatest multi-night performances in history, while Goto had what was one of his best matches yet. Omega still sold the knee from the Naito match, while Goto was intent on losing his status as a choke artist. The match went all over and back again, with Goto even whipping out the Shouten Kai again. The ending sequence was somehow better than even the Naito/Omega match: Omega hit a blitzkrieg of finishers, drawing from friends and foes from his past; a Last Ride and a Phoenix Splash from Ibushi, a Bloody Sunday from Prince Devitt, a Styles Clash from AJ Styles. All failed in putting Goto away. It was the One Winged Angel – Omega's own move – that sealed the deal, proving that Omega could and should be his own man. With the final three, Omega not only one the G1 Climax but became the first foreigner in history to do so. It wasn't Ric Flair. It wasn't Sting or Steve Austin. Or Styles. It was Kenny fucking Omega. And, should things go his way, he takes on Okada at WrestleKingdom.
Wrestling can be good, and when it's good it's great.
Day 13
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
SANADA vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: ***
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hirooki Goto vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Kazuchika Okada vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: *****
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Naomichi Marufuji MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2
Day 14
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Michael Elgin vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: **
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuyori Shibata vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Tomoaki Honma MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Kenny Omega vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. Tetsuya Naito MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
Day 15
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Naomichi Marufuji vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
SANADA vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Kazuchika Okada MUSCLE RATING: ***
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hirooki Goto vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
Day 16
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Kenny Omega MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Tetsuya Naito vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuyori Shibata vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Michael Elgin vs. Tomoaki Honma MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2
Day 17
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Togi Makabe vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hirooki Goto vs. Naomichi Marufuji MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Kazuchika Okada MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4
Day 18
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Tomoaki Honma vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Toru Yano vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: **
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. Katsuyori Shibata MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Michael Elgin MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Kenny Omega vs. Tetsuya Naito MUSCLE RATING: *****
Finals
Eight Man Tag Team Match
Go Shiozaki, Katsuhiko Nakajima, Masa Kitamiya & Maybach Taniguchi vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan, Katsuyori Shibata, Manabu Nakanishi & Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
ROH World Title Match
Jay Lethal (c) vs. Satoshi Kojima MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
At the top of the hour we see the return of Hideo Itami! Poor guy has had a rough time of it; getting a shoulder injury that takes him out for months, leading to further complications that takes him out for over a year; not being around for one of the greatest expansionist periods in NXT. I've always been a big KENTA fan, so I'll always hope he gets it together, gets momentum, and gets the big bucks.
His opponent is CWC standout Sean Maluta, newly recovered from his competitive loss from Ibushi at the conclusion of the first episode of the CWC. The match goes the way of all things. Maluta got in some offense, and Hideo looked good in his return, with more of an aggressive bent than I've seen from his NXT iteration. The more he slides to being the KENTA of old, the better for him, I think. Nakamura and Asuka have changed seemingly little to nothing of their rising sun in-ring belligerence, and both are top acts. Hideo gets the win with the Busaiku Knee; it seems he has reclaimed it now that Daniel Bryan is tragically no more, as he continues to collect his old moves like the killer from the movie Body Parts.
Also, why do I not own Body Parts?
Sean Maluta, meanwhile, has not fared well against hard kicking Japanese men. MATCH RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
They keep releasing these themes for the next Brooklyn TakeOver and they keep not being a new Baby Metal song and I keep wondering what the point is.
The Revival cut a promo about their continued greatness. In a change of pace, Wilder is talking...or is it Dawson? Neither of the two look the same but I cannot remember who is who. The haired one speaks, is what I am getting at. TM61 come along and say they should get a title shot. Then Gargaso arrive, and they want a shot. Revival feel cramped and leave. There's some humor here, and it's actually pretty funny, and I don't understand the concept of something being actually funny in a WWE setting.
Chris Atkins is about to take on Mojo Rawley and now I know why I don't watch NXT live and I am wishing I could skip this segment or at least have a mythical giant bird tear open the roof the whisk me away and feed me to its young or anything that's less painful than watching Rawley exist but then SAMOA JOE COMES OUT and levels everyone and Joe is the best now okay please call off the legendary bird.
Rawley retaliates against Joe, but Joe is all “I AM FUCKING SAMOA JOE YOU PONCE” and trounces him again. Joe is doing all of this because he wants to show Regal that he can do what he wants. MATCH RATING: SAMOA JOE
Bayley's asked about going after Asuka again, until said Asuka shows up and tells her to watch her next match.
Asuka murders/wrestles/destroys Aliyah in what's actually a pretty entertaining squash match. The story is more about Asuka getting a chair and telling Bayley to sit and learn. Bayley tosses the chair and stands on the ramp instead, as Asuka just fucks all of Aliyah's shit up. It's a great showcase for the adorably brutal Asuka, as she taunts Bayley the entire time. Asuka employs a number of heel mannerisms, like stopping her own pin count to inflict more damage or holding the Asuka Lock on even after Aliyah's tapped out, raising Bayley's ire. It's clear how they are positioning the alignments for Brooklyn, but I am still torn in my prediction. I HAVE to imagine Bayley is getting called up soon after SummerSlam, which would make it pointless for her to have the NXT Women's Title. Except everything so far is geared for her to win the title. This is the part where I start making sounds like Marge's sisters from The Simpsons. MATCH RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Oney (sigh) Lorcan has a promo about beating Tye Dillenger. Man. He looks different in front of the high production cameras of the WWE. I would be interested to see what his caricature looks like.
BOBBY ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is here!
I admit: I hated Booby Roode in TNA, or at least every iteration of him before Beer Money. Since then I've heard that he actually got quite good, and the one match I saw with him (vs. Aries, where Aries won the TNA title) was stellar.
I was just about ready to declare all of my past transgressions against the man the folly of one who didn't know any better, as the dude comes out to a song that literally shouts “GLORIOUS” all over the place. It's perhaps the finest piece of vainglorious wrestling music since Christian's At Last came down from the heavens and blessed us unworthy many. It sounds like a Muse cover band (who sound like a Queen cover band) and it is amazing.
Roode pulls a pretty decent and classic Flair style promo, where he starts off by talking about how awesome NXT is before the verbal knife twist and then rants and raves about how wealthy he is and how all of the NXT losers should be replaced by CEOs and such. He's like a new money Million Dollar Man. This seems like his pre-Beer Money (and, I guess, somewhat during) gimmick. If he wrestles an eightieth as well as his song is magnificent then, you know what, sure, I'm in.
TM61 looked the best they have since joining, it seems, as the follow up their earlier promo segment with a match against The Revival. The Revival excel at making their opponents look good, while credibly finding underhanded (yet mostly legal) tactics to win. TM61 came in with all of the flare of a good guy tag team, but The Revival are master manipulators of the ring and eke out a win. MATCH RATING: **1/2
Tomgano come down to the ring talking about all of the teams The Revival have beaten, which include the Hollywood Blondes and Pikachu and Charmander. As an aside, I will fist pump in joy at a Hollywood Blondes reference. More funny stuff, but the long and short of it is that they demand a title shot from The Revival. I have the feeling The Revival are going to put their titles on the line at TakeOver.
Cruiserweight Classic #4
This is the end of the first round to what's been a pretty top-notch damn tournament so far. The big story here is the Gargano-Ciampa match. The whole night of the Network has been, in some way, about these two, from challenging for the titles on NXT to facing one another in the CWC.
But we'll get to that.
Jason Lee vs. Rich Swann
Jason Lee is a student of HoHo Lun's, and after Lun's less than exemplary performance I immediately had doubts about Lee's abilities. Swann is a known commodity, haven flipped and danced his way from DGUSA, DragonGate proper, and the Indies in general all the way in our hearts.
First thing to say: Jason Lee is years better than Lun. His style is martial arts based, and he has better strikes, better timing, and better facial expressions than Lun (especially when gawking at Swann). On his own, Lee didn't come off as the best of the unknowns, but he still put forth a damned quality effort. Swann gripped tight a crowd already familiar with him, and I think from his antics alone people who don't know Swann will want to know him more, as not only is he impressively athletic but he's also one of the genuinely most charismatic folks in this tournament.
People through that “C” word around all the time and it often doesn't mean anything (like “presence” with the walking talent void that is Baron Corbin and one day I'm not going to talk about him anymore) but Swann is here and has always been a charismatic bastard. Swann gets the win and gets the crowd's ardent favor. Also, are we sure it was HoHo Lun and not Jason Lee who brought wrestling to China? MATCH RATING: **1/4
Noam Dar vs. Girv Shira
There's yet another Hollywood Blonde reference, and this Wednesday night of programming has made me a happy man. I also feel ashamed that I only now got that the Bollywood Boys are supposed to be a Hollywood Blondes-by-way-of-India gimmick.
Noam Dar is a name tossed around when you hear about the Euro invasion of premiere talent, though any utterance of his nomenclature usually trails behind the likes of ZSJ, Scurll, and Ospreay. And...I can kinda see why.
This match isn't quite the crotch rot of wrestling that was Nese and Bennett from last week, but this clearly is in the very bottom rung of matches in the CWC in terms of...anything. Character, match quality, interest. Girv seems to be a little better than his brother, but not to any appreciable degree. Dar didn't really stand out, and neither seemed to gel well with one another. Dar wins, and, as it stands, he stands shoulder to shoulder with Lun as two of the obvious blotches on an otherwise fantastic set of round two competitors. MATCH RATING: *
Jack Gallagher vs. Fabian Aichner
Fabian Archer is a jacked Italian wrestler trained by Alex Wright. Someone online said he looked like the kind of mook JCVD would kill at the top of the second hour of an action movie, and that's the most apt thing that can be said about the dude before getting into the wrestling aspect of things.
Gallagher is another relatively unknown “named” wrestler, hailing from England. He looks like a BBC iteration of a wrestler; pale, with a curved period mustache, and a voice slathered in the gentlemanly airs of a sophisticated man. He looks like an anachronistic circus shooter combined with a World of Sports athlete and, yes, he wrestles like one as well.
Fun fact: this match is insidiously fun, one of the more “entertaining” bouts this tournament. Gallagher's character foundation is solid, and he does a great job of mixing that tricky, World of Sport style escape artistry with a more modern flair, and he makes it work. I enjoyed ZSJ's performance last week but it seemed to produce a mixed reaction in others. Here, Gallagher put on a show that I see people on forums and such asking about him.
Let's not discount Fabian. He more than pulled his own weight, and worked with Gallagher to have a joyful, legitimately exciting match. He clearly has power, but was able to do the World of Sports wrestling with Gallagher and hit an incredible double springboard moonsault. Right next to all of that, he has great facial expressions, which I honestly was not expecting.
Gallagher (who is, adorably, Bryan's favorite wrestler as he asks if it's weird that he can love a man just from seeing him wrestler) gets the win after some tenacious kick outs and an actually-yeah-but-for-real-though vicious corner dropkick he gets the win.
This is almost the shining example of a first round CWC match: a match with two relative unknowns that gets the crowd invested as they showcase what they can do. This was everything that Dar/Shira was not. Gallagher progresses, and that's awesome, but the world also needs to see more of Fabian Aichner. MATCH RATING: ***
Johnny Gargano vs. Tommaso Ciampa
CIAMGANO EXPLODE
Unique to this match (and possibly an indicator of future round two episodes) we get a pre-match promo segment between the two friends and partners, where they lay out that they are each going to do what they can to win.
If you're done for the day and just want to wrap this up quick: this match was god damn incredible, and by far the best match of the tournament thus far. It was a pristine blend of essential wrestling elements; it had action that rarely, if ever faltered; it had a great, entrenched story, as we find these two partners battling each other; it had quality ring psychology. It's close to one of the best matches you can get within an eleven minute or so time frame (not including Akira Taue vs. Yuji Nagata from NOAH).
The story that played out during the match was riveting. Gargano quickly became the underdog, as he wasn't prepared for the onslaught of the much more aggressive and genuinely meaner Ciampa. A wrestling match turned into a fight for survival Gargano, as he was mauled by the psycho killer. The drama etched up with each second and each violent move; you could see the crowd wince and get behind Gargano after taking just god awful strikes to the head. You could hear the shock as Gargano kept kicking out of moves that would have ended nearly anyone else, including the Project Ciampa (which is the exact moment I thought Ciampa had won it).
Near the end of the match, Ciampa exposes his bare knee as he prepares to finish off his partner and friend, who's dazed in the ring. Instead of recreating a “I'm sorry; I love you” moment, Ciampa relents, and pulls up the knee pad. This moment of sympathy ultimately costs Ciampa everything, as Gargano rallies enough to get a shock pin and progress on to round two.
Gargano goes to shake Ciampa's hand. Ciampa, disappointed at himself, refuses, and leaves the ring. Gargano collapses in the ring as the crowd is dismayed at Ciampa's decision. Ciampa reenters the ring, sitting down next to Gargano like they are two old friends sitting on an old DeSoto by an airport, gazing at the stars and wondering what's going to happen when they graduate high school. They hug, and it's an incredible “aw shucks” moment of friendship and camaraderie. It's a great capper to a brilliant one night story.
Also, whenever they decide to have Gargano and Ciampa feud, you can bet they are going to milk this footage for all it's worth.
I implores folks to see this match. It's not the best match of the year, not in a technical sense, but it's damned special regardless. It's nearly everything great about wrestling in a bite-sized, demo disc package. It's great, hard hitting, tells a story, and you get all of that for fewer than twelve minutes of your time. To reiterate: this is easily the best match of the tournament, though with round two coming you can imagine there will be some worthy contenders to the throne. MATCH RATING: ****1/4
AJW CLASSICS #13
Date: 8/4-1986 (Miyagi Sports Center)
WWWA World Tag Team Championship
Lioness Asuka & Chigusa Nagayo (c) vs. Yumi Ogura & Kazue Nagahori
This match was likely clipped, but there was enough there for me to judge, I should think.
The first fifty percent or so of the match is all kicks, like a quartet of Jun players going at it in a brawl. Typhoon had to get the jump start early since they were going after the Crush Gals. They jump the Gals at the start and gain the early advantage, until the Gals rally and it turns into a pitched battle. I thought of the Cruiserweight Classic and its sports-like presentation.
I've said often how a lot of the more competitive matches shown on AJW Classics come off like real matches, with a lack of showmanship and a focus on the wrestling aspect of it. It's even battle, and the two teams struggle to best the other. I'm not sure if it was clipped but the Gals seem to win two straight falls, though if that's the case it still does little to tarnish the effort Typhoon put in. Chigusa appears to have been injured, but she seemingly recovers. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Date: 5/29-1986 (Omiya Skating Hall)
AJW Jr. Championship
Hisako Uno (c) vs. Yasuko Ishiguro
I could find not a single bit of information on Yasuko Ishiguro. Judging by look and her ringside seconds, she was clearly some junior working with the Gokuaku Domei. Hisako has yet to look even a little bit like her future Akira Hokuto self, but then that's still some years off and the Hokuto persona used extensive makeup, so who am I to say.
Even this early on, Hisako shows quite a bit of talent, especially as far as agility goes. She brings the fight to Yasuko, who has some decent power in her own right. It's a good match going, with Hisako having most of the champion's advantage. Surprisingly, Yasuko gets the win and the title after Hisako was unable to escape a pin. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
In last week's episode, we had the Crush Gals try to get their chance at singles gold, with only Chigusa succeeding. This time,Nagahori goes the singles route as she tries to wrest gold from Bull Nakano.
Nagahori hits a spin kick to the back of Bull's head in retaliation for the latter's lack of respect. And, like with Typhoon from earlier in the show, almost a necessary preemptive strike considering the level of danger that Bull presents. Bull quickly regains the advantage, and the match turns into an extended squash. Nagahori gets her bit in and puts up a good challenge, but Bull (and her 'chucks) reign supreme.
Mita Suzuki vs. Yasuko Ishiguro
No info on Suzuki, so this whole match is like a void bout wrestled by mysterious unknowns, shadows dressed in the signature striped beach-looking ware of eighties AJW. It's a good little match, though it comes off more as a casual exhibition rather than anything with serious consequences. Yasuko's finisher is apparently “lie on opponent as they struggle unsuccessfully to avoid the pin.” It's better than Cesaro's Neutralizer, at least. Or Byron Saxton's old finisher.
Date: 6/22-1986 (Korakuen Hall)
Japan Grand Prix '86 Final
Yukari Omori vs. Chigusa Nagayo
It is, in a way, a variation of the Dynamite Girls/Crush Gals battles, or at least a specter of those wars seeing as how Jumbo Hori was forced into retirement earlier on. It makes sense for a member of the incredible Dynamite Girls team to make the finals of the Japan Grand Prix, only her opponent now is one half of her old rivals in the form of Chigusa Nagayo.
Interestingly enough, the story here is more about Yukari's tenaciousness, her unstoppable will in getting a win at the finals. More than that, possibly, is her trying to get a win over Chigusa, which could be seen as a spiritual victory in the sadly dormant rivalry between the Girls and the Gals. Chigusa is top-tier, naturally, but she's often on the defensive against the larger, more volatile Yukari. It's text book: bigger and stronger versus smaller and faster. Every time Chigusa starts building some steam it gets dashed by Yukari hitting another power move. To be sure, however, this is Chigusa we're talking about, so she finds her moments and gets in her offense and is quite the match for the former Dynamite Gal.
Problem: it's not quite enough. For all of her speed and technique and experience, Chigusa is stymied just too often by Yukari, in a case of one wrestler just wanting it more. Chigusa was unable to solve the puzzle of Yukari's offense and falls, leading to Yukari winning the entire tournament. It's an even better scene when her old partner Jumbo Hori gets in the ring to help her celebrate. Great match with a great story. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
STRAPEDIUS REVIEWS:
G1 Climax
Days 11 and twelve began to really pick up the pace of the G1, as it seems ever poised to kick into classic, high match quality gear. Tanahashi/Ishii from day 11 is one of the best matches on the tournament by a wide margin, while day 12 is stacked with great matches, forcing out ratings from me that makes it look like any old night during the G1 Climax 24. Shibata/Omega, Nakajima/Naito and YOSHI-HASHI/Elgin are all quality; Omega's oddball comedy bit has long since sat sour with me, but then he pulls out performances like the one he had aginst Shibata and it's like falling in love all over again; Nakajima has been on fire the entire tournament so far, and I hope there's more of him and Marufuji in NJPW's near future; and, yes, fine, I admit that YOSHI-HASHI has gotten incredible, as he had an intense battle with Elgin that officially ranks as my favorite of the G1 so far. I had no idea I would be saying that about a damned YOSHI-HASHI/Elgin match, but here we are. I just couldn't not get unnecessarily excited at the thing. It's going to take a long time, if ever, for any other night of this year's Climax to have as good of a night as 12 did.
Tama Tonga, who has had a meh run of it so far – which is to say, he's done marginally better than he has been, but it still pales in comparison to most. He is also one of the first competitors mathematically unable to get a hope at the finals. SANADA has put in a lot of good work this G1, and he is starving for that big match to crank his gear up to the proverbial next level, but he too is mathematically out. Of major note is that the sports-movie-like comeback special of an old time great never materalized as Tenzan is also one of those who are now just wrestling to wrestle. Which is fine, as my heelish act of being one of the few not pulling for the sentimental chump is only empowered by his losing.
I wanted Kojima.
Day 11
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hirooki Goto vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Naomichi Marufuji vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Kazuchika Okada vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Day 12
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Toru Yano vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: **
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Michael Elgin vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4 (OMEGA MUSCLE)
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. Tomoaki Honma MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuyori Shibata vs. Kenny Omega MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Tetsuya Naito MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2
It seems as if the whole episode is all about what Murphy and Blake are up to. Kinda. The two former partners still find time to argue about which one was better. I actually like the idea of a former tag still hanging out and hating each other, like exes who still contentiously talk.
Wesley Blake decides to prove that he was not the Jannety by taking on Nakamura. Blake also comes out with new music and tassels so you know he's ready to go. The beginning has some fun fluff, as Blake tosses imaginary derisive sweat, which is caught and trampled by Nak. The rest of the match goes the way of all Nak things, and Blake is quickly taken out. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED
Regal arrives and let's us all know that the main event for TakeOver: Back to Brooklyn is: Nakamura versus Samoa Joe! If you can imagine, my hype has increased exponentially.
Billie Kay returns, and it seems that they are deciding to really follow through with her; Kay arrives with new music and new, dark blue gear, making her look like a villainess of some sort from a CastleVania game. Her opponent, with her Emma knockoff theme, is Santana Garrett, regaled totally in Rainbow Brite gear. Garrett has been there a few times, and it is a highlight of the Japanese Stardom scene.
The match itself is short, and both girls get their fair share of offense, though it's obvious this is a Kay special. She has some character, and I would be interested in seeing, really, both of them after some more time in the Performance Center furnace. Kay wins. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED
In Regal's office, Bayley insists that it's time, it's time, it's Asuka time. She wants her rematch at TakeOver. Regal agrees. Hype is now infinite.
TM61 job out two jobbers named Adrian Nails and Rob Ryzin. Someone online compared the two to generic thugs you would fight in a Final Fight game, and that's the most I can say about this squash. TM61 need a few more, I suppose, but it's fine. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED
No Way Jose goes against Steve Cutler. The biggest wrinkle in this match is introducing Jose's “YES WAY” rage mechanic; after taking too much abuse from Cutler, he gets wide eyed and starts hitting harder. After winning, he cuts a promo on Aries about how he's gonna kick his ass. This is really bringing forth the idea that Jose can party but has an ass beating mode. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED
It's now Buddy Murphy's turn to not be the Jannetty as he battles, surprisingly, CWC hopeful Kota Ibushi! What wound up happening was, instead of a generic squash, we got a slightly competitive match, bolstered by Murphy being actually decent and Ibushi being great, and great at selling. There are some nice strikes here, but this is of course a showcase for Ibushi. Ibushi wins. Congrats, Blake and Murphy! You are BOTH the Jannety! MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
Samoa Joe, not having the Network, finds out his opponent is Nakamura. This does make the man happy one bit. He cuts a great promo about how he calls his own shots. This upsets the dangerous commissioner Regal, who tells him to stuff it. Joe correctly points out that Nak doesn't deserve it because he didn't go through nearly the same level of hardship as Joe did. Regal more or less tells Joe to suck it. Joe finally accepts, and Nakamura comes out to...gesture, oddly at him.
OH YEAH there was also an odd promo that had all of the flair of a panel from a Heavy Metal story. There was a giant moon in the background, leading me to believe that they are going to FINALLY debut god damn Athena/Ember Moon.
Cruiserweight Classic 07/27/2016
Zack Sabre Jr. of England takes on the long time vet Tyson Dux in the opening of this week's episode. It's a technical work match as you would expect with these two, mostly Sabre. Tyson Dux didn't show as much as I had suspected he would. ZSJ seemed slightly reserved here; ZSJ, I think, reads better for longer matches, when he transitions from his World of Sport wrestling to a more impactful, high intensity pace. The announcers do a great job of emphasizing how painful and intricate ZSJ's moves are. He eventually wins with an omoplata. It's nice for Dux to get this chance, as I know he's been wrestling for a long time now. MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
Drew Gulak battles Harv Sihra next. Gulak is the leader of EVOLVE'S Catch Point stable, and has been a brutal submission specialist his whole career. Sihra is part of the Bollywood Boys, and comes in with some character. Sihra doesn't really register much in this one, though he gets the best of Gulak several times. Gulak ultimately snatches up Sihra in a scissored dragon sleeper and, like in EVOLVE, he gets the snap submission win. Gulak looked like a mean sort here. Sihra was okay, but did not really stand out much like some of the other unknowns so far in this tournament. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED: **
I've been a fan of Tony Nese since first encountering him in the EVOVLE and DGUSA Gabe promotions back in 2010, and was always miffed how, outside of a short stint in TNA, he never moved on from the indie scene; he's built like an eighties action figure, and can move like a high flyer. His opponent is one of the most visually drawing guys in the tournament, Anthony Bennet, who's Kid 'n Play hair is taller than he is.
The match winds up not being all that great, as Bennett is clearly on a different, lower plane of talent from Nese and from the rest of the competitors. The crowd sound tired, no doubt from this being the third hour or so of tapings. Nese impresses with power and high flying, but there's not much for him to work with in Bennett. Nese pins Bennett after a 450, which looked to have been on an injured Bennett. Likely the worst match of the tournament so far, and hopefully Nese's next match fairs better. MUSCLE RATING: *1/4
In your main event, THE Brian Kendrick hopes to begin his comeback tour by going after Raul Mendoza. TBK looks like someone who would start a northwestern woods cult, like the corrupted visage of his old “Leonardo” days (Mauro said he looked like DiCaprio from The Revenant). Mendoza reminds me of Super Crazy, but I might just be racist.
What we get is a great little match. TBK quickly reveals how he's changed in the intervening years; he's seemingly abandoned most of his high flying for crafty, heelish sneakery, using tricks and opportune strikes to wear down Mendoza. Problem is, Mendoza is here to fight, and comes in with an array of stellar offense that quickly gets the crowd on his side. We even get a coast to coast out the deal. He also gets a bloody mouth, which no doubt led credence to his persona. TBK wins with a chinlock submission called The Bully Choke, but Mendoza quickly became a name in the arena, and was easily the best unknown this episode, and one of the best so far; you can thank both his talent and TBK's veteran know how for that, I should think. TBK, now an established, devious, veteran heel, advances, but I would hope to see more of Mendoza. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
AJW Classics
Episode #12 - Date: 4/5-1986 (Ryogoku Sumo Hall)
Japan Grand Prix '86 League
Bull Nakano vs. Yumi Ogura
Can I begin this by saying that I was actually all about this match? I will, seeing as how I'm the one in charge around here.
Bull comes out with makeup on that reminds me of a demonic spirit from an old PS2 Japanese survival horror game imported from Japan. Yumi Ogura of personal “Hyper Cat” acclaim attacks Bull at the start by giving her a missile drop kick when her back is turned, making Yumi the smartest wrestler in all of 1986.
Uncharacteristically, Yumi has a decided advantage over the Gokuaku Domei member, even on the outside. Bull eventually turns this around, not just with a pair of nunchucks but also with some incredibly adept submission wrestling. When Yumi can't get the job done on the ground, she hits springboards and top rope moves to try and get one over on Bull using her athleticism. It's a great match with as minimum of Gokuaku Domei tropes, and both wrestlers look like hard asses, really going after one another. Both of them get counted out at the end, and even that was done in a dramatic fashion. Great outing. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
WWWA All Pacific Championship (Vacant)
Dump Matsumoto vs. Chigusa Nagayo
I mean, man, you may be over but there's no way you're fucking Chigusa Nagayo '86 over. The crowd erupts immediately into a prolonged Chigusa chant, and it pops up again and again throughout the match. Dump is a walking A+ intro machine, and comes out donning the imposing samurai armor. The whole introduction is frisson inducing, right down to Chigusa threatening Dump with a sword. This has been the feud that has driven AJW for years at this point, and there's a lot of history at the tip of that blade. You know Chigusa has never forgotten the buckets of blood Dump has caused her to spill, or the end of their famous hair vs. hair match.
What's surprising to me is that there's a fair amount of actual wrestling from Dump. Make no mistake: we get run-ins, weapons, oil drums. But Dump actually puts in throws and holds here. Chigusa is, as always, her remarkable self, battling uphill against a woman and her entire sinister stable (which I guess was also called the Atrocious Alliance?). Credit goes to the ref as well; he cannot stop the run-ins, but he does refuse to count a pin attempt after interference from the Domei.
This is a great, intense match-up, with all the trimmings of a final battle from a movie. It's the best wrestling I've seen from Dump and easily her best singles match shown on here. In point of fact, I actually prefer this match even over the much vaunted hair match the two had earlier on.
Chigusa ducks an oil drum attack and hits a German suplex and secures the win and the title. It's an emotional scene as the crowd is going hysterical and Dump angrily scours the outside of the ring, wantonly swinging her Singapore cane, attacking victim after victim. Chigusa, in the ring, recieves her title. Great match with great history, great wrestling, and a great story. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
Conspicuous by her absence, Lioness Asuka is nowhere to be found; she's likely getting ready for her main event bout.
WWWA Singles Championship
Devil Masami (c) vs. Lioness Asuka
Asuka comes into this match swinging out the gate. It's a joke, you see, as she immediately hits the giant swing on Masami. Asuka this entire match is this kind of joshi blitzkrieg, a wrestling onslaught intent on taking the title from Masami. Masami, in this match, has to survive Asuka more than anything else. It's a great, obvious dynamic.
Asuka smells blood in the water, but let's forget that she's dealing with Devil Masami. Anyone else even an iota the lesser than Masami would have likely folded under the aggressive Asuka's hunger, but there's a damned good reason Masami is the WWWA Singles champ. She sneers her way through submissions, and uses her elite level skills to take the fight to Asuka, just about matching her in guile and technique, if not sheer relentlessness.
The two are clearly evenly matched. Referencing the Nakano/Yumi fight from earlier, Masami and Asuka battle to a double DQ. Just about everyone on the planet implores the ref to continue the match, and he does so.
There's a bit of a shift in the flow of the match; there's a feverish desperation in Asuka as she realizes she doesn't have much time left to win; Masami still takes the fight to Asuka, but holds back somewhat as she mostly wants to let the clock run out. It's an intense few minutes, as the two of them throw everything at each other to try and put the other down.
Ultimately, with seconds winding down, neither were able to get a pin which secures the title for Masami. Asuka is devastated, and Masami seems mostly satisfied that, even with the time extension, she was still able to keep her crown, in a way. This is a phenomenal match, just high octane fever pitch wrestling damn near at its finest. It's the kind of intensity I appreciate seeing in top level title matches between equals. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4
Can I just say, this might have been the best overall episode of Classics yet shown? There's not a dud on here, and everything was exciting, even surprise bouts like Nakano and Yumi. Top tier episode.
STRAPEDIUS REVIEWS:
It's just been true: this year's G1 so far has been thoroughly, almost tenaciously decent, good even, but it would be a mistake to call it great. I grant you, we're spoiled when it comes to NJPW. They regularly put out excellent match after excellent match, with a space bound bar that they cross on a regular basis. Put nearly any of these matches in the WWE and more than half of them would be considered MOTYC or all-time classics. In the New Japan context however, they are mostly just “really, really good.” Also keep in mind that the G1 Climax 24 – the Climax I would attend most American viewers popped their cherry on – was an all star affair, with an output of match quality unseen in the world for decades previous and likely forward, as well. People will sit back and realize that there was a time when Tanahashi, Okada, Nakamura, Styles, Suzuki and more were all together at the same time. Granted, 24 was rife with failure: Fale, Yujiro, Gallows, but the top level talent more than made up for it.
ANYWAY
Block B is ridiculous, with a six way tie for the top spot as I type this. A is a bit more clear, with Okada and Makabe holding the top spots as Tenzan stumbles and Tanahashi begins to get his footing.
Also, can we please, as a peoples, dispense with the Yoru Tano matches? I’m done with them. I’m at the point that I never want to see another Yoru match ever again, and I’m saying that as someone who likes the guy.
G1 Climax
Day 6
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
YOSHI-HASHI vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. Katsuhiko Nakajima MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Tetsuya Naito vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Kenny Omega vs. Tomoaki Honma MUSCLE RATING: ***
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuyori Shibata vs. Michael Elgin MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Day 7
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hirooki Goto vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ***
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Naomichi Marufuji vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Kazuchika Okada vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi MUSCLE RATING: ***
Day 8
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Tomoaki Honma vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: **
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Kenny Omega vs. Michael Elgin MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuyori Shibata vs. Tetsuya Naito MUSCLE RATING: ****
Day 9
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Tama Tonga vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Naomichi Marufuji vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Kazuchika Okada MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hirooki Goto vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
Day 10
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Michael Elgin vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuyori Shibata vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: 1/2*
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. Kenny Omega MUSCLE RATING: ****
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Tetsuya Naito vs. Tomoaki Honma MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
What the hell? What the hell are you doing out there? What the actual shit kinda circus show are you putting on out there? What was that? What was that?
That was a great damn show!
On Battleground! A decided and dedicated B-show with lukewarm build ups so uninspiring that its tepidity – and my busyness – pooled into a cocktail of ennui and made me neglect even writing up a Hype Muscle for this show.
And yet here we are, living in a post Battleground world, and the show was a lot of fun. Not only that, it’s just about easily the best overall WWE show all year, and probably since at least…at least when? Some may even go so far back as WrestleMania 31 but the truth is I was nowhere near enamored enough with that show, at least compared with most people.
This show had great moments, cool surprises, emotions, hot crowds, an uproarious debut, great endings, some good booking; it’s like someone left this PPV off of Vince’s Google Calendar and he was away somewhere else trying to figure out what a “burrito” was and hating small people while people who were partway competent actually booked this damn thing.
You also had Mojo Rawley. Can’t win ‘em all!
Okay good stuff let’s get the shit into it.
Battleground 2016
Pre-Show
Breezango vs. The Usos
Actually, this was a pretty enjoyable match. Breezango had a great reaction, and the action was consistent. Some very solid output going on here; probably would have stood out even more on TV. If Breezango can keep the momentum, they both might get better, more well deserved positions of prominence. Breezango wins, and the crowds rejoice. MUSCLE RATING: **¾
MAIN SHOW
Sasha Banks and ?????? vs. Charlotte and Dana Brooks
The logically surface story going on is that this is the time filling build until Banks and Charlotte at SummerSlam, which is fine. There was much debate as to the possible identity of Banks’ partner. The obvious, most popular, and most desired option was Bayley, who was conspicuously absent from the recent draft. Other choices included Nia Jax, a returning Naomi, or – most woefully – a returning Nikki Bella. Rarely, the best, most obvious, most popular choice was the one that played out to much fanfare, as Bayley came to aid Banks. It was a great moment, between the crowd’s feverish support, the entrance, the tube men, and Banks being unable to hide her grin.
The celebration (on the floor) did not last long, as the bad blonde folks attacked. The match that followed was very basic in format, but it’s all that was needed, as the match was really about building the presumed Banks/Charlotte match, and introducing Bayley to a hot crowd. The match breaks to pieces pretty soon after, but thanks to Bayley, Banks was able to get Charlotte to tap to the Banks Statement. Not a hall mark match, but a lot of fun, and the reactions for Bayley made this a great opener. It seems this was just a one-off, but I think it further bolsters my prediction of her fighting Asuka at NXT TakeOver in Brooklyn, losing, and debuting right after SummerSlam, probably to Raw. Though Smackdown is lacking in faces. MUSCLE RATING: ***
The Wyatt Family vs. The New Day
Kinda can’t remember the last time New Day actually defended the tag titles. The angle almost comes down more to Xavier versus Bray, which sums up the last chunk of this match. A lot of the match – and the story – centered on Xavier’s Janosz Poha like reactions to Bray, and his fear of the Family. Like the women’s tag, chaos ensues, with the most interesting bit (besides Big E’s suicide dive nearly living up to its name and as an aside I don’t really do the whole 'please wrestler X stop doing that dangerous move’ but Big E’s dive always looks rough) being Xavier suffering from his fear of Bray and then finally breaking it and going after him – which falls apart after losing to a Sister Abigail. Fear wins, which I assume is WWE’s subtle allegory to how fear is currently winning in America at present.
Ryder is the latest wrestler who has convenient American garb to challenge the scary foreigner. It says something that Zack Ryder even having a fair amount of offense against the typically dominant Rusev makes this one of Ryder’s best years in forever. Ryder still loses, mind you, but he even appears to break the Accolade, until Rusev hits his Super version. It’s a nothing match, and I still don’t get what I’m supposed to like about Rusev, but this is inoffensive. MUSCLE RATING: **
Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens
This is it. It’s not, of course; as long as both of them draw breath and pump blow, they will drag each other down to some hell or another for the rest of time. It’s written now, it’s basically wrestling canon, like the physics of an Irish whip or “never headbutt a Samoan.” It just is. But, for now, there seems to be a sense of finality for these two. Only temporarily. And yes, that’s an incorrect usage of “finality” but these two have rendered the word “final” and its permutations moot.
I’m not the one who first said it, and I hate the one who did because it’s so true, but Zayn is one of the best wrestlers in the world when it comes to long term “callback” moments in feuds. At the start, Zayn tries his Helluva Kick but Owens bows out, preferring not to get taken out like he did at the start of the four way IC match.
The match moves in its violent, logical motions; the advantage swings, though Sami takes a little more of the share of malice, though that it often the case. The work is excellent, as always, and even their lesser matches are still good, with their better matches revving up exponentially to legendary.
Here is a match where a botch actually enhances the damn thing.
Zayn tries his seated springboard flip move to the outside, only he misjudges it and lands straight on his shoulder. This could have ruined the match, and for lesser talents could have been an insurmountable hurdle. Instead, Zayn sells the juice out of it (enhanced because he had just come back months earlier from shoulder surgery). Owens modifies his offense to take advantage of the “injury”, using the Crippler Crossface, for example.
The match continues asencding towards epic as time goes on; the crowd gets riled into a frenzy, Zayn is doing everything he can to avoid the Pop Up Powerbomb and put down Owens.
Owens eventually has Zayn down to his knees, telling him that he “doesn’t want to do this” and to just stay down. Zayn, with all of his babyface fire, snaps back and defies Owens, beating him down. THREE half-and-half suplexes later, Owens is reeling in the corner. Zayn hits the Kick…but it’s not enough. Zayn has the best facial expressions going today and let this match be the proof as he struggles with what to do next. He then realizes that he just cannot beat Owens. Not just this way.
Zayn props up the limp Owens in what will surely be one of the best visuals in wrestling this year. He goes to the corner and closes his eyes and breathes in deep, like when he hit the final Kick on Neville in NXT. He hits it again. Victory was sure to follow. Epic match, and easily the best match they’ve had since they hit the main roster, which should tell you something as all of their main matches have been at least good. This might have had even more of an impact if Owens and Zayn were split on different shows, but the truth is, in the end, it will always be these two. They’re going to wind up being like Bele and Lokai, punching each other in the ruins of Cheron. My favorite WWE match of the year by some great distance, second being the triple threat women’s match at Mania. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4
Natalya vs. Becky Lynch
Natalya turned sinister on Becky, because reasons. I’ll take it over the mid 2000’s “crazy evil bitches amirite also we are all lipstick lesbians” plotting, at least.
The match feels like I’m watching an AJW Classics match, in that it goes, and then it gets clipped right to the ending, as if a few minutes were unceremoniously axed in the middle. It’s pretty straightforward: Natalya works on Becky’s knee, Becky makes a soft comeback, gets hit with the Sharpshooter and taps out. That’s just about it. The two are fine; Nattie shows a good in-ring heel persona that she has not been able to show in years, and Becky sells the leg work incredibly well. There was just never much to the feud, nor to this match, and Natalya just wins. Which is typically fine, but Becky needs to do something more, Becky needs a better showing, and it’s a shame she’s been relegated to damn near the back of the women’s bus. It’s such a definitive win it’s hard to imagine where they go from here, if anywhere. MUSCLE RATING: ***
Miz and Maryse come out dressed like extras from the second Assassin’s Creed game. Or, as someone noted online, like Taichi of “sucking complete ass in Japan” fame.
The match is unmemorable; even if I tattooed a fell page, Dave Meltzer description on my leg I’d forget I had a leg. It was like the Silence from Dr. Who. The ending – the only memorable part – was a cluster, with Miz trying to leave, Maryse slapping Backlund, and Young applying a Cobra Clutch to Miz on the outside. Which was odd, seeing as how Young’s pairing with Backlund was all based on Backlund’s infamous Cross Face Chicken Wing. Young did do the whole “wide eyed crazy stare at my hands” thing that Backlund is more well known for these days. So, yay? MUSCLE RATING: *¾
John Cena, Enzo and Cass vs. The Club
Enzo cuts an entertaining, widely meandering promo before the match. The promo goes all over the world and back again, but it’s fun so you don’t mind getting lost for awhile.
The match itself is much the same as Enzo’s promo in that it’s wild but it’s a decent little joyride. It’s like a WWE version of a low card Dragon Gate tag match, the semblance of tag order quickly breaking down as bodies are just thrown about like a capsized morgue. The match is more than just a little haphazard and sloppily constructed at points, but it’s a damned drunken blast. I don’t even think Gallows and his bean sprout leg stalks hindered the match any. Cena hits a rare, awesome avalanche AA on Styles for the win. This is the temporary end of 4G and The Club, as Enzo and Cass and The Club are sticking with RAW while Cena and Styles continue their feud and help anchor Smackdown. MUSCLE RATING: ***½
There’s a whole bit before the main event where Jericho interviews Randy Orton. I typically loathe interview segments on PPVs, and that doesn’t change much here. It’s still pretty good, at least, as Jericho has been putting in some of the best work of his career since coming back, and manages to play a splendid dick head to Randy Orton, who is clearly in smarm engorged super babyface mode. Most notable is his shade lobbing remark about Lesnar’s PED controversy, before a series of fake outs leads to the obligatory RKO. This segment was fine, especially placed before the big main event, though the notion that Orton is going to allegedly be the top face of Smackdown – in 2016, even – is a dreadful, dreadful notion.
It’s not weird to type that there’s a SHIELD triple threat. It’s weird to type that Ambrose is the champion going into it.
Ambrose knocked off Rollins last month to become the WWE champion, all in the wake of Reigns getting suspending for getting popped in the WWE drug testing. Rollins and Ambrose had to naturally carry the hype on TV, meanwhile the match grew to be extra curious with the real life implication of Reigns’ molten hot urine. Which brings us to DC.
The crowd was hot for the match, and if you listened to the crowd it was two hot fire heroes taking on a vile, disrespected villain – and odd mix, when you consider that Reigns was the one with the forthcoming derision tossed at him.
The match is pretty damn great, even though it teeters endlessly into the “mult-man match but everyone is tossed outside except for two guys in the ring” trope. When all three are together you’re provided with some of the best moments, including a cathartic moment where Rollins and Ambrose beat down Reigns like it was a tag move from Fire Pro Wrestling Returns before bombing him through a table.
Reigns and Rollins have a great series of moves and near-falls at the end, ending with Reigns spearing Rollins. Before Reigns could get the pin, Ambrose hits the Dirty Deeds and gets the clean, complete, and total victory. Joyous, the Smackdown locker room (even the heels) come out and celebrate with Dean as Shane and Bryan (who were seated ringside by Steph and Foley) celebrate by YESing and running around the ring as Ambrose is hoisted – oddly – on the shoulders of the Usos.
(Actually, it makes some storyline sense if you remember that Dean was a member of the short lived “Family” stable of Reigns and the Usos.)
(Also, I don’t know why Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan hanging out amuses me so much)
What’s nice about the match: everyone had their moment in the sun, Dean looked strong, and not only did he not pin a speared Rollins to win, he was able to hit his move on Reigns instead and still get the total victory. Now, it could be said that this is all the cynical trappings of the oft rumored “redemption” arc that is supposedly going to be in Reigns’ future. In which case, it still makes this match more about how Reigns lost rather than how Dean won.
As it is, Dean got his celebration and is the confirmed champion of the Smackdown show as Reigns and Rollins will no doubt continue snipping at each other on Raw. Fun match with a few bogged moments, which can pretty much sum up this flawed but incredibly fun PPV. Hell, as I’ve said earlier, this might have even been the best main roster PPV since…
WrestleMania XXX? Is that true? I’ll need to investigate. MUSCLE RATING: ****
MUSCLE MATCH OF THE NIGHT: Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens
MUSCLE MAN OF THE NIGHT: Sami Zayn
“HEY WE WANT SOME _____” AWARD: Bayley!
HOTTEST PISS AWARD: ROMAN. REIGNS. THE GUY WITH THE HOTTEST PEE. (Honorable mention to Brock Lesnar)
EXPLICIT MOXLEY AWARD: Dean Ambrose
THE “I’M GONNA WEAR THIS TORN SHIRT ANYWAY” AWARD: Renee Young and what was that? I mean, she can wear whatever she wants, I think fashionista critiquing is horrendous and intrinsically misogynist, it’s just such an unusual garb I’ve never seen before.
THE “DEAN MA'AMBROSE” AWARD FOR FEMALE POPULAR PERRENNIAL LOSER: Becky Lynch sad face
THE “BUZZING OF FLIES” AWARD: Bray Wyatt the Carpathian
THE “YOU LET YOUR COUNTRY DOWN” AWARD: Zack Ryder, WHO MIGHT AS WELL JOIN ISIS AT THIS POINT
BEST CROSSFACE CHICKENWING: A cobra clutch, apparently.
THE “I LIKE YOUR HAIR” AWARD: AJ Styles, screw the haters.
THE “LET THIS BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD” AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN ENDLESS, ETERNAL CONFLICT THAT WILL LEAD TO NAUGHT BUT TOTAL ANNIHILIATION, YET THE PATH TO ARMEGGEDON IS THE ONLY PATH WE KNOW: Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens
STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:
Monday Night Raw (07/26/16)
Rusev vs. Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro vs. Finn Balor MUSCLE RATING: ***½
(You this “first RAW of the New Era” episode was fucking baller, acctually)
NJPW G1 Climax
Tanahashi continues to go winless, while Honma leads his block. It’s a new day, yes it is.
Tenzan suffers his first loss, as I rub my hands together as my secret plan to “destroy Tenzanmania” begins its first stages. Nothing else too exciting. Nakajima and Shibata have a great, though woefully short match, and I hope that A) they fight again and B) Nakajima can escape the sinking ship of NOAH and land on solid ground in New Japan. I’ve been a mark of his since he was in Ring of Honor.
Elgin/Naito is easily the best match of Days 4 and 5. Rather low key days as the Climax ROLLS ON.
Day 4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Tomoaki Honma vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ***
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ***
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Kenny Omega vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: *¾
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Katsuyori Shibata MUSCLE RATING: ***½
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Michael Elgin vs. Tetsuya Naito MUSCLE RATING: ****¼
Day 5
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: **
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
SANADA vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***¼
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Naomichi Marufuji MUSCLE RATING: ***¼
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: **
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hirooki Goto vs. Kazuchika Okada MUSCLE RATING: ***¾
I merged this edition of Hype Muscle with Flex Muscle! Hyper Flex!
Here's my issue of Hype Muscle for WWE Battleground: [insert video of an elephant mindlessly defecating on a human trainer, forever]
(Triple threat will probably be good, Owens and Zayn always deliver, Lynch and Natalya should be swell were it not for this taking place in the WWE, and just about any non-Bayley option is going to be met with justifiable disappointment in the Banks match)
FLEX TIME
Lucha Underground: Ultima Lucha Dos Final
Before any wrestling begins we get a LU vignette! Somewhere, off in what looks like the set from an old episode of Star Trek, Vampiro tells Pentagon Jr. that he is a man with fear and he is not ready. Turning, instead, to Empire Strikes Back, Pentagon goes in a cave and has a battle with several iterations of himself, which is like a more violent version of the council of Reed Richards'. He finally takes down another doppelganger, this one being Vampiro himself. He tells Pentagon he is ready, and that he must snuff out a candle to snuff out the light. Pentagon Jr. must become Pentagon Dark, perhaps my favorite Jeph Loeb/Tim Sale collaboration.
(That's a lie; Loeb has been fucking terrible for well over a decade now)
The first match of the night: Aerostar, Drago, and Fenix (Vampiro called them Space, Fire and Fury, or something) and attempt to become the trios champions by upending The Worldwide Underground, who plan on taking the challengers to dick kick city.
It's a good match, mostly, with great high flying (particularity from Aerostar) and some heelin' from the WWU. The whole thing falls predictably apart once the Dick Kickers International decide to get set into their rudo roles; distracting refs, knocking out refs, triple teaming the good guys. There are a few near falls, while Fenix impresses, but the ref is constantly getting taken out or otherwise incapacitated. With the cock knockers at an advantage, Mundo looked ready to take down the good guys, until Angelico makes his surprised, crippled return, limping in on crutches and knocking out Mundo. The good guys take advantage and win; Aerostar, Drago, and Fenix are now the trios champions, and Fenix in particular makes LU history by becoming the first grand slam champion.
The match is fine, and the dickery makes sense, but it still cuts off what was looking to be a really fun match. Decent opener, but it's always frustrating when you know all involved could do much better, which is what should be required on as big of an event as your season finale. MUSCLE RATING: ***
It's the battle of the first season vignette characters as Dragon Azteka Jr. takes on Black Lotus. Both are characters that have, in some form or fashion, have existed since just about the entire lifespan of the show (I think Lotus may have come in a few episodes later). DAJ had spent the better part of the season showing what he was capable of, but up until this point Lotus had not had a single televised match. The big concern, of course, was whether or not she could even wrestle.
I don't know if it was because of booking or some other factor, but the match – for as long as it lasted – wasn't half bad. Perhaps Lotus had actually gotten into wrestling shaped, as she looked fairly okay, all things considered. The match had a quick pace, befitting of the revenge story here. Lotus was still obviously not the best out there, but what match she was able to put forth was somewhat interesting to see.
The match never finishes, sadly, as a Pentagon Dark – regaled as one would expect – interferes and proceeds to break both Lotus and DAJ's arms. He cuts a pretty neat promo about how Pentagon Jr. is dead (long live Pentagon Dark) and that he is ready for the monster. In booking straight out of ECW, we get that match next.
Pentagon goes HAM on Matanza here, beating him around the Temple, looking as if this Dark persona would finally do what no one else has yet to and unseat Matanza Cueto. Matanza eventually gets the advantage, but most of this match is Pentagon Dark busting up the monster. Vampiro produces a barbed wire bat and gives it to Pentagon. Right as Pentagon is about to use the bat, Dario takes it away. Pentagon takes Dario down and is about to break his arm until Matanza recovers, hits his finisher, and wins. Pentagon Dark is pissed at Vampiro.
It looked like it could have been something great, but that's part one of the two running themes the entire night: “it could have been great”, and interferences. I'm a staunch defender of LU, obviously, but the night had been rife with WWE-shit tier booking. This ending, in particular, feels like a betrayal of the entire story so far, all about the break down and redemption of Pentagon Jr., all the way up to his bone-breaking skull ninja Gandalf-esque color upgrade to full dark. LU has been much better about the classic “wait and see” than WWE, but it's hard right now to find justification for the wet fart ending to what looked to be an intense match. MUSCLE RATING: ***, I guess
Tay and Ivelisse never gets going anywhere. The two have a fun little brawl, but before a second gear could be reached (with signs pointing to the possibility that they were never going to get out of first gear) the lights go out. Catrina (in wrestling garb!) teleports in, knocks out Ivelisse, and allows Taya to get the win. MUSCLE RATING: **
So I will commence with complaints here, as they don't really apply to the main event, but for all of the greatness and promise of the first part, it feels like it had been mostly squandered by now. Ultima Lucha Dos had been plagued with the exact same bits I fucking hate about the WWE, and the exact same bits that had made ROH such a chore to watch. Interferences galore, no conclusive ends, run-ins, unfulfilled potential. All there. Except for the main, every single match had a run-in of some kind or another, some kind of dumb, idiotic ending that led to an unsatisfying conclusion.
It's not even that LU hasn't done this before. But they do it more sparingly than you might think, as most of their matches have a definitive end, not but so often marred by the usual wrestling tropes. Ultima Lucha Dos is different, however, and is made the worse for it since this is supposed to be your finale. WrestleMania used to be where the angles would end and you would start anew (or finish off some residual plot threads) for the next year. That has not been true, mostly, for years now. Same with ULD; this is your season finale.
I get it, to a point. It's a show. You need people to have a reason to tune again, hence: dangling threads, inconclusiveness. But I feel like it has to be done better than what we had here. Some potentially good to great matches were neutered because of the need to set up season three. Ultima Lucha Uno had a much better sense of closure, and for good reason: they thought that it would be their only season. Now, we know not only that there's a season three but that it's already filmed, so they could proceed to book the crap what which they've booked. If this is how they finish their finale, I hope every single season of LU ends with them not knowing if they are coming back again just so we can have more firm, definitive finishes and less of this interference nonsense.
There has got to be some middle ground between setup and still having great matches that work within themselves. Fuck, throw in some extra vignettes if you want to set up the future that badly.
Anyway, to better things...
In your main event, Prince Puma attempts to dethrone the king, Rey Mysterio. Unlike Orton and Lesnar, this is an actual, veritable dream match and – yes – it lives up exactly to the height promised.
Puma and his other performer are, and I say this every time, fucking world class talents, easily top ten, probably top five as far as best wrestlers going today is concerned. Rey, while having clearly lost much of his physical step, knows how to put on a match and does so here with a more than capable opponent. It's always a unique change of pace when you get Puma – who normally would be considered undersized – taking on someone smaller, as you see Puma utilize even more of the strength vectors of his move set. Rey has long since learned to wrestle smart, and though he hasn't done much different than you've seen of him in the last decade or so, he knows when to use it and how to use it for effect, and the results are obvious. There's some great character stuff with Puma being slightly heelish here, with the mentality that he has to take the old master out to pasture. Rey rallies hard and gets the win; I would have preferred a Puma win, but I get it, plus there are some...disputes with Puma in real life, or so I've heard. Whatever the case this is one the few matches that had the hype going in an proceeded to realize that hype; if only the rest of Ultima Lucha could have followed suit. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
The commentators freak out over the spectacle...until both get taken out by Pentagon Dark. He beats down Vampiro and using the barbed wire bat, proceeds to bloody Vampiro.
Well. That's going going to be a thing in season three.
Dario is arrested at the end and shoved into a police van. Cop lights flash blue and red, as Dario looks on menacingly, echoing his final appearance from season one.
SEE YOU IN SEASON THREE
NXT 07/20/16
Three big matches tonight, and all three matches have heavyweight mastodon folks involved (and Bayley).
We start with Samoa Joe and Rhyno in what turned out to be a nice little filler match a Joe bides his time between feuds. Joe's underrated character work is on display here, as his dominant dick head self struts around the ring and impressively imposes its will on Rhyno of all people. Rhyno looked good here as well, energetic and feisty as he tries to take down the emperor. Joe gets the win with a Coquina Clutch; good stuff here by both guys. Solid, entertaining hoss-meat battle. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
Asuka gets a promo. “I fight Bayley. I fight Nia. I fight both.”
Well o-god damn-kay! A Bayley/Jax/Asuka triple threat would be...something, I think. Still, I'm confident in my obvious Bayley/Asuka II prediction for NYC.
They mention the draft. American Alpha, Nia Jax, Alexa Bliss, Carmella and Mojo are all on notice. Balor was a foregone conclusion. Jax needs more work, I think, as does Bliss and Carmella. AA are ready to go, and have been for months. Mojo should have been drafted into a wood chipper.
American Alpha get assaulted by the Authors of Pain before their match. Despite this, AA decide to continue their bout. Authors of Pain are the new kids in town and are each have to be about three hundos per; plus, AA are on their way to Smackdown, so you already know how this plays out, and it's not in AA's favor. Jordan and Gable are hellaciously strong, with Gable hitting an exploding suplex on one of these guys like he would on just about anyone else. AA really try to make this exciting, but AOP are just too big and get the win. I suppose I get AA jobbing hard to the Authors, but I still am miffed that, of all the tags, American Alpha – and I say this and mean it, they are the best tag team in the entierty of the WWE today – were the chosen lambs for the new guy sacrifice. Jury's still out on AOP, who seem to have not much more than the usual, staid, WWE big guy offense. Paul Ellering's hands must be warm by now because he rubs them all the time like a serial villain. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
Revival cut a promo. Synopsis: they are the best. Except CiamGano show up, thirsty for a title shot. Revival are dismissive butts about the thing. Also, Hideo Itami returns in two weeks! But guys, my groin though, have we not considered that?
Patrick Clark, the Tough Enough standout who's house show gimmick was basically a wrestling version of Donald Trump, comes out with tights that makes it looked like he skinned America and is wearing its flesh. Aries is next. Most I can say is that Clark looks quite athletic (but is he athletic enough to be a ROH athletic negro?). Aries wins, No Way Jose comes out and attacks him. This rivalry is heating up, like a pebble left in the rear window of a car in spring weather. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASH
Your main event of the evening (and again, I love it how, when the women's angle becomes important enough, it gets to regularly main episodes of NXT) is Bayley vs. Nia Jax III. Bayley is again doing the redemption “beat up all the people who beat me!” arc, but I am dubious of this one. It's going to lead, inevitably, to her and Asuka clashing again – but then what? Bayley was not selected in the recent draft. Some hopeful speculation persists it's because she was secretly drafted and will be Sasha Banks' partner at Battleground.
Or, what if that's not the case? Which is easily as likely, by the way. She goes and faces Asuka and beats her for the title, that means that Bayley is down in NXT for longer, likely heading to the main roster around Mania. Or maybe she loses to Asuka in Brooklyn and debuts right after SummerSlam? It's tough to say, but at this point I think Bayley needs to be brought up sooner rather than later, as we try not to lose sleep over the in-story logic of them not drafting Bayley but drafting Jax and Bliss instead.
The match itself is perhaps the second best match these two have had, and it's technically better than their London encounter, if not as dramatic and nail biting. Nia Jax has been on the uptick of improvement (though she's still not quite main roster ready, but maybe she'll prove everyone wrong) and in this match she shows ample personality, as she arrogantly tosses Bayley out and yelling at her. She even whipped out a jackhammer on Bayley.
Bayley, as good as she is, I think is genuinely underrated for being able to carry a match; she displays some of the finest face fire in the company here, showing new layers of aggression and working with equal parts intelligence and tenacity. She gets hit, and hard, but she makes a come back, and she picks her spots. This is different from the desperate measure she used in London that happened to work, or the second encounter where it did not work as well. Here, she's on the attack and maximizes all opportunities. At the end, Jax takes to the top rope, allowing a swift Bayley to charge up and hit a top rope Bayley-to-Belly and getting a decisive win. A fun match, well worked by both. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Cruiserweight Classic #2
SMALL GUYS!
In your opening first round match of the episode, Aussie export Damian Slater (with that Bayside High ass name) challenges the 45 year old Taijri, making his official return to the WWE!
Slater looks real good in the ring. Mauro and Bryan call him smooth, and I cannot disagree. He doesn't exactly standout, but he looks as if he knows what he's doing. Taijri looks quite good as well, but then his WWE style was never as intensive as his old ECW days. Taijiri still uses that sneaky, devious style of devastating precision kicks and overall crafty trickery that I always saw in Marafuji. Taijiri wins with a buzz-saw kick. Nice, basic opener. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
TJP is apparently an MRA type of guy but at least he's a kickass wrestler, as demonstrated here as he takes on Da Mack. Da Mack, the “urban German,” is a moon walking, MJ inspired high flyer, whom I believe has dabbled in WXW. The announcers make a good call with the Alex Wright comparisons. Mauro calls them both “charismatic enigmas,” which you can do since Brother Nero has now been DELETED.
TJP, and this cannot be emphasized enough, is so fucking good. I've been a fan of his wrestling for at least a decade or so, and I'm glad that he finally gets this platform to show off. His transitions are silk, his submissions are elegant. My kingdom for a TJP/Tyson Kidd match that it seems will never happen.
Da Mack looked fine, but was clearly out of step with TJP. Make no mistake: this is TJP's match. The fans are huge behind him, though Da Mack seems to have gone out some with his character, though his wrestling will hopefully catch up. Da Mack also used a classic Human Tornado spot, which at least raised a few dozen of my eyebrows. TJP gets the win, and despite his dumb opinions on things, should absolutely get signed by the WWE. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
I took an instant liking to Mustafa Ali for some reason, and I cannot tell you why. Perhaps it was his look, I don't know. I'm hoping his wrestling follows suit. Of all the people in this damn thing I am almost entirely puzzled by Lince Dorado's presence. I never hated the guy back in his Chikara days; it just seemed as if he fell off the face of the universe since leaving Chikara, and to see him spring up so suddenly was quite a shock.
What else is a shock? He's really god damn polished here, much more than I ever remembered. The years look to have been kind to the man, as he puts in a great effort here, with the crowd firmly behind him (seems he's spent his Chikara exile in Florida). Ali was a little slow I thought, but he seemed to click as the match went on and the two had one of the better matches in the tournament so far. Dorado hit Ali with a sweet springboard poison rana, and Ali had one of the most impressive Spanish Fly executions I've ever seen. A missed imploding 450 from Ali sets up a Shooting Star Press from Dorado, and Ali is eliminated. Dorado clearly has been utilizing his lost years, and I hope to see more of Ali. Develop that man! MUSCLE RATING: ***
In your main event, Akira Tozawa (possibly my favorite guy in the entire tournament) battles Kenneth Johnson, a dude from Detroit who looks like he could be Omar from The Wire's brother. Tozawa's theme sounds like a knock off of that one Kill Bill theme you hear all the time.
The whole match was strangely off. It seemed as if Johnson just couldn't get to a level for Tozawa to work with, and Tozawa had to try double hard to put the whole mess together by the end. Johnson showed flashes of potential, but he seemed oddly stilted. Tozawa, as always, was incredible, and the crowd took to him instantly, as well they should. It was unusual to see someone the inexperience of Johnson going 50/50 with a guy like Tozawa, but the the announcers and Tozawa tried damned hard to make it work. A beautiful snap German and another bridging German (with the call of the night from Bryan to accompany it) leaves the lasting impression. I hope Akira advances further along the tournament against better opponents so everyone could see what he can really do. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
Episode #11 - Date: 3/20-1986 (Osaka Castle Hall)
Six Woman Tag Team Match
Devil Masami, Mika Komatsu & Kanako Nagatomo vs. Bull Nakano, Chela Salazar & Zuleyma
Mika Mokatsu seemed to have had a lot of tag action in her career, which lasted about six years. She tagged for a time with her partner, Nagatomo, of whom I could find even less information. Devil Masami, obviously, speaks for herself.
Bull takes charge of the Gokuaku Domei Mexican Charter, teaming with Chela Salazar and there-is-no-Dana-only-Zuleyma. Most I got on Salazar is that she was a female Mexican wrestler which – I mean, okay, yes but it's still basic information. Zuleyma has way more readily available intel, including the fact that she was the first ever WWA World Women's Champion and had a litany of success in Mexico.
Bull's makeup and style has grown progressively crazier and crazier as the episodes roll through time, and here is no exception as she appears to have slaughtered a fiefdom of Smurfs for her shock blue hair and makeup. Her cohorts and, inexplicably, Devil Masami are all dressed like they're wrestling in Bedrock.
Whomever the pink stripped girl on Devil's team was was quite athletic. The match is little remarkable, with Salazar and Zuleyma showing nearly nothing in what I presume was a clipped match. This is another Bull showcase, as her power and comman grows as she gains more strength and confidence as the years go on.
AJW Jr. Heavyweight Championship
Condor Saito (c) vs. Hisako Uno
I think this is a sort of rematch from their rookie tournament. Another presumably clipped match as Hisako wins the match and the title almost instantly, even after Condor applied the tried and true Dump Army method of suckering her opponent in. What I've noticed here in 1986 is that the outfits are becoming more and more elaborate, slowly shifting away from the striped swimsuits of years past.
Japan Grand Prix League Match
Kazue Nagahori vs. Yumi Ogura
RED TYPHOON EXPLODES
These tournaments love pitting partners against one another. This is another match that looked good, but I'm guessing was clipped since I believe I saw that it was a thirty minute time limit and yet the match went to a draw. In about five minutes. God, I wished these shows would just show the full match. What we saw was good, and there was a real sense of struggle which, as I've mentioned, is like a hallmark of this era of women's wrestling.
Japan Grand Prix League Match
Dump Matsumoto vs. Yukari Omori
This match.
Another League Match, this time Dump takes on Omori, now on her own since Jumbo retired, rendering The Dynamite Girls inert. Dump comes out in insanely badass samurai armor; it's like the company spent all of its money on face paint and cool entrances for Dump and her crew. Speaking of which, Shiro Abe returns, now fully decked out in Dump makeup and clothes, looking like he has to tell his wife something he discovered about himself.
Omori arrives in football gear, looking like a cuter diminutive Brian Battler. Dump spends most of the early match beating the Yukari Warrior while cutting promos on the mic. Soon, Devil, who was hanging ringside, gets involved and tries to protect Yukari. Dump eventually uses a chain like she's Birdie, choking Omori and tossing her around the ring. Chigusa arrives and attacks the ever living crap out of Dump. Within minutes after, all members of both sides flood the ring like ants, and what breaks out could best be described in the words of scholar, poet laruete and esteemed spokesperson Brock Lesnar from his seminal work, “that promo he cut that one time”: Utter freakin' chaos.”
Women are everywhere, and the crowd is whipped into some fanatical tremor. The scissors show up. Dump pulls on Chigusa's hair which, as we know, is a giant middle finger to Chigusa. The ref is fighting Abe, everyone is fighting each other; eventually the match is stopped, until some agreement is made to continue. Dump pretends to be fair until she almost immediately retrieves the scissors and cuts at Omori's hair. Omori makes a comeback, until Dump turns it around and proceeds to STAB THE FUCKING SCISSORS RIGHT INTO OMORI'S ARM AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS A WRESTLING SHOW FOR YOUNG GIRLS AND WHAT IS THIS. Then she uses the fucking cane! The match ends in a double count out but the god damn sheer drop madness refuses to end there as Bull starts BITING THE BLOODY SCISSOR WOUND. Eventually, Omori spits on Dump and punches the ref. Christ. What a scene. Dump matches tend to devolve into brutal segments, and this one has got to be one of the worst I have ever seen; the scissor stab bothers me more than most CZW death matches I've seen. Bloody fucking hell. MUSCLE RATING: ***
WWWA World Tag Team Championship
Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki (c) vs. Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka
Chigusa is wearing pants now!
There's little to say except this match is freakin' awesome. That's my professional opinion. Both teams go balls out, and it's rare that tag wrestling gets this good. The match seems just a little clipped, but not quite so much that you cannot see the action here. The Crush Gals rise to the occasion in big time tag matches, and the Jumping Bomb Angels are damned good, and a very good reason why they were involved in the best Royal Rumble match for years. Also, I am a squealing piece of trash for Lioness Asuka and this match only cements my landfill status; she kicks every inch of ass here (par for the course) and takes it hard to the JBA. The Crush Gals get the win and the titles in a big emotional moment, and, again, they are on top of the wrestling world. A damned good match. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:
YOSHI-HASHI is commanding a strong presence early on, as he clearly has something to prove as he takes out Kenny Omega in what was the best match of day 2. Nakajima is starting off strong, though really considering he beat Toru Yano he has yet to get some of the greater challenges in the League. Naito and Shibata are starting off losers, with Honma getting his win back from the NEVER title match he had with Shibata.
Tenzan continues his early streak as he looks to live up to his promise of winning the G1. That being said, I'm going to be the heel here and say that I hope Tenzan loses, and loses hard. I want to see him disappointed and I want to drink the sorrowful nectar of his failed fans.
Ahem.
Tama Tonga has gone right back to sucking all manner of ass. Goto and Ishii had the kind of hoss battle you'd expect, and it was my favorite bout from day 3. Marufuji failed at toppling Bad Luck – Bad Luck Fale, by the way, is awful, and I say that even having seen those supposedly good matches of his. I get that his role is important but he's such a waste of space in NJPW, and bogs down the typically glorious G1.
Okada finally got on the board, winning a decent match against SANADA. Tanahashi continues to fall as Makabe picks up a big, brutal win, and you wonder if Tanahashi can recover from this.
(he will)
Day 2
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Kenny Omega vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: **
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
EVIL vs. Michael Elgin MUSCLE RATING: ***
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Tetsuya Naito vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match
Katsuyori Shibata vs. Tomoaki Honma MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
Day 3
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: *3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hirooki Goto vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Naomichi Marufuji MUSCLE RATING: **
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Kazuchika Okada vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
[3,893 words]
The task this time was something more eldritch in nature than when we watched Yokozuna/Luger. That certainly wasn't a fun match by any measure, but it was mostly harmless in its base, early-mid nineties, American wrestling that was mostly body slams and punches.
This forthcoming episode of Buster was another manner entirely. It was almost nature's dare, the kind of "match" that has prompted the quandary on how man can make something but, then, should man make it?
MUSCLE BUSTER DRE: Truth is, I cannot be glib or otherwise snarky: you're right. This is a deep dank darkness.
It would be like if Nietzche was a booker.
When you stare into the Xtreme the Xtreme stares back also.
The suggestion, no doubt prompted by a wild moment in time possessed of twisted humours and diseased notions of entertainment, came to my good, sickly pal. I imagine it must have come to him as if an omen visited upon him by malformed horrors, the hallucination-spawned stillborn of a fever dream, rife in rapturous delight at the sincerity of his decision.
Like last time, Jim decided. Like last time, we would come out the other end of this wrestling tunnel all the more strange and misshapen for having the experience. Unlike last time, there would be no going back. Unlike last time, we would climb the Holy Mountain and have visited upon us a transitive shock of some other worldly glean.
Unlike last time we would not be the same, we would not come out of this roughly eighteen minute journey full. In fact, some of what would make us us would be gone, irrevocably torn from us.
Deleted, you could say.
This episode we travel into the grotto of the human soul, streets littered with the lost and the damned.
This episode we watch the seeming finale of a war of brothers, the trumping of which had been blaring since they were born, brought to a cataclysmic crescendo.
This episode we watch The Final Deletion.
MUSCLE BUSTER JIM: So... this is what I suggest. We are gonna watch the build up to Matt vs Jeff, then the final deletion.
MBD: I like this idea, this preamble to madness.
MBJ: Dear god...I dunno if I'm ready for this.
MBD: We're going to be stuck in Vietnamese hotels punching out mirrors naked when we're done with this. The booking. The booking. I'm sweating like I'm in a Sidney Lumet movie all right. Just extreme closeups of my dilated pupils, my mouth begging to form the words that can end this apocalypse.
MBJ: I'm glad I'm in air conditioning.
MBD: I'm fine in the shit. It gets me in the mood. It brings me closer to the heart of darkness.
Or, I guess, the Hardy of Darkness?
MBJ: Already I'm dreading this like the Libyan sands.
MBD: Remember, Jim: "they went up as men, they came down like animals."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNFcWHEXOSg
No training will prepare you for the blood and roar and stench of war. No training will adequately ready you for the thrill of the hunt, the dashed limits when survival is everything that is at stake. No amount of All Japan tapes or 2007 era Ring of Honor DVDs will get you in the least way ready for what was coming.
And the worst part is, we knew something was coming. We could see it, the black husks of men -- nay, monsters -- riding hard and damnable over the poison horizon. We wouldn't know until we saw the shapes of their madness, until we saw the gore on their sharpened points what was truly to bear down on us, sitting fat and naive, meat to be picked off and consumed.
MBJ: I begin this by asking a simple question: You think Edge and Christian look at this and think about how they must have dodged a bullet?
MBD: I wonder if Lita has to use HCL as a douche juuuuuuust to make sure. Broken Hardy just screams, "I'm gonna put my evil in you."
MBJ: I don't think anyone would blame her.
MBD: He's like the Ramsey Bolton of wrestling.
MBJ: Alright.... let's do this. May god have mercy on us all...
We began by watching the initial video to the whole saga. For some modicum of context (which would be like explaining to a child where milk came from by first explaining how the universe was formed as context), this particular yarn of despair started after Matt Hardy lost the TNA title. The loss shattered him; he began to act erratically, and told the barber to "Tim Burton Sweeney Todd" the fuck out of his hair. He soon began in a feud with Jeff, and somewhere in that loathsome drink Broken Matt Hardy was born. As the animosity continued bearing bloody fruit, it led to the previous video -- a contract signing for their big rematch at the Slammiversary PPV.
MBD: ALRIGHT. First of all: Broken Hardy has a lovely house. You know he's snarl-arghhing like Ultimate Warrior there.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXNvusFPsBQ
MBJ: Great music choice too...I'm certain he hadn't showered in at least a week
MBD: I also do not want to meet the aliens that made those crop circles...There's Reby Sky, looking at least three hundred percent more Hispanic than she was on the indies. Was he using the contract as sheet music?
Jeff, seemingly summoned by Matt's discordant piano playing, walks by Reby who is utterly done with Matt's nonsense, echoing pretty much the entire wrestling world for the last eight years. Matt is inside the house, and begins with a cadence of "community theater Shakespeare protagonist."
MBJ: It'd make as much sense. Jeff doesn't seem like his in to this.
MBD: The way he says "risk take-ah and a dare deville' makes me laugh incessantly. Oh, this is all a carry job by Matt. Which I don't think has ever been said before.
MBJ: What accent is he even trying for?
MBD: This is like Bulldog/Hart of mind fucking vignettes. [And that accent] is clearly how people speak in North Carolina. Also when on meth. When Reby Sky shows up this warehouse will have more fans than your average TNA show. [Obligatory internet TNA dig]
MBJ: It really says something when Jeff "Glowboy" Hardy is the voice of reason...
MBD: You've gone beyond the pale when JEFF is the sane one, yeah. To reiterate: Jeff saying 'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU" as his entire character is gold.
MBJ: May I ALWAYS laugh at the baby fake out.
Yup. Matt lures Jeff to an isolated warehouse -- "the birthplace of our genesis," he says. We are first introduced to Senor Benjamin, the gardener. Inside is a single ring and a stout wooden table. While Jeff wants to fight, he is distracted by the Jezebel Reby Sky, who was all into Matt's plan, tossing a baby doll to disorientate Jeff, causing Matt to hit a side effect through said stout table, in what looked like a legitimately painful moment.
MBD: That wooden table for MVP. Spot of the year.
MBJ: You think the people at the Goodwill store knew that table would be used like this?
The video had ended. The two had their match at the next PPV, which Jeff won. The next, more important video had already been queued.
MBD: This is like when you go to the all day movie marathons. Like all the Marvel movies before the next Avengers release. Gotta get the story so we understand the weight and gravitas of what's going on here. Also, I love the Senor Benjamin. He's like the Agent Coulson of this whole saga. He's the connective thread that we really feel for.
MBJ: He is! Wait....He is?
He is.
MBD: I feel like before we started I should have yelled at you like Jeff does. "COME ON JIM YOU WANTED TO WATCH THE FINAL DELETION! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU SAID, JIM? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU SAID?" Senor Benjamin was so popular that he got a Twitter account, which only the coolest and classiest of kids do. He should go to New Japan as Senor X Benjamin.
MBJ:"WHAT ARE YOU YELLING ABOUT? I WAS JUST ASKING FOR A RIDE TO THE STORE!" Of course Senor Benjamin has a twitter. He has to document this!
MBD: It's like in all the old tales, how there was one left alive to tell the story for future generations. In that way, Senor Benjamin is like Horatio in this tale of bloody brothers, battling into a doomed future.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GG6y-5OYc_0
This was the match; it had been introduced in secret to many other wrestlers first, including even a few WWE wrestlers who were then doing a tour of Japan. Many posted their reactions to the content. It did little but swell public interest. Mission accomplished, the time had come, the Opus had been written now it need only be performed, the suite had been composed now we need only pull the wire across string, and breathe into the brass.
Now was time for The Final Deletion.
MBJ: I gotta limber up fer this.
MBD: I'm doing neck bridges as we speak. Chewing on broken glass and lying down on a bed of nails. Or is that how I prepare for old IWA death match tournaments?
MBJ: I Thought that was how you deal with your parents?
MBD: I do get my parents confused with horrific Japanese death matches from the mid nighties.
This time, Matt plans on, not defeating, but deleting the Brother Nero from the world and taking sole custody of the Hardy name.
MBJ: Behold the glory!
MBD: BEHOLD THE GLORY OF THE FINAL DELETION!
We tried to psyche ourselves mentally; it went about as well as could be expected of ants soon to battle a tsunami.
MBJ: You sure you would rather play Battletoads instead?
MBD: Christ that's a real "one bullet in a room with Hitler and Stalin" kind of proposition isn't it. It's like Sophie's Choice but with actual stakes involved.
MBJ: I ask the tough questions!
We dilly'd and dally'd for long enough. It was time.
FOR THE FINAL DELETION.
MBD: I LOVE the mariachi music to begin. As well as the fact that both this and the contract signing begin with a similar shot. [I had honestly not expected any sort of filming continuity in what amounted to a couple of dudes recording their backyard wrestling match.]
MBJ: I really hope that baby doesn't see this years from now.
MBD: I'm so sorry, Maxel. We cannot all be Windhams..."For your birthday I'm going to kill your uncle."
MBJ: Reby misspelled Mommy.
MBD: Longing creepy shots of Matt Hardy before I go to bed is exactly what I need.
MBJ: Christ I'd be fucking PISSED if I had to work on that lawn
We begin at Maxel's, Reby and Matt's little twist of fate, birthday party. One of Maxel's gifts is, as Matt has infamously put it, "an extraordinary...xylophone. Matt's gift to Maxel is not a new toy or even some practical clothing, but a deceleration of fratricide, because family values. The Hardy Boys have a relationship that you would likely find in the Adams Family.
MBD: I love the transition of Broken Matt from Shakespeare villain to cyber hacking madman.
MBJ: I wish they dragged out Jeff seeing the drones more. Drag out the suspense.
MBD: This is what it would look like if the Hardys wrote and directed Overdrawn at the Memory Bank.
MBJ: Matt stole [the drones] from Solomon Crowe.
Jeff is strumming away at his guitar before he is assaulted by a fleet of drones, all of them shouting "Brother Nero." Jeff destroys a few, before one (the "Vanguard 1" or "V1") projects a crimson hologram of Matt, calling for his "final deletion."
We've crested into a mortal absurdity that promises to misshapen our spirits.
MBJ: I hafta give credit. The "AW HELL NAW" was truly amazing.
It really was.
MBD: I also like how his whole master plan involved fucking up Matt's meticulous lawn. Like in a real world sense, that's mad asshole of him.
MBJ: And now that lawn is fucked up. Thanks Matt.
MBD: Yeah, that's like suburban evil. Also, Senor Benjamin I bet worked for ECW back in the day.
While Jeff is occupied, Matt takes a riding mower and cuts a line through Jeff's lawn while wearing the face of a man actively orgasming at his evil. It's truly withering, the look, and I wonder how Reby's eyes are still in her head.
MBD: "Goss--o-line." I have to say, any woman who is willing to go with you in "final deletion" of your brother is worth keeping. Ah yes, this ref is the audience proxy.
MBJ: Of course refs only wear the striped shirts
MBD: He needs to understand that he has been CHOSEN.
It's nighttime now. Matt has informed Senor Benjamin to slather the field in "goss-o-line" and "prepare the battlefield for the massacre," which seems outside the realm of most lawn technician's resume, but not Senor Benjamin, who agrees to his task with zero complaint. A ref arrives as night falls, wearing no seat belt (horrible fact: this is the same ref that was fired from Ring of Honor for allegedly creepin' up on the women). This ref will be the doula to this child of malevolent history.
MBJ: "THE SUMMISSION"
MBD: I ADORE the running gag that Jeff is summoned by horrific music playing. First the piano, now this. Also his violin playing sounds like an enemies mega attack from an old SNES JRPG. I bet Matt Hardy and Stradivarius were in the League of Extraordinary Men together.
Matt uses a violin given by his friend Stradivari, dating Matt by a few hundred years. He plays it terribly, sounded like a shanked, warbling elephant seal, which is enough to - again -- attract the presence of one Brother Nero.
MBJ: I betcha this all coulda been fixed by going to a local Waffle House or Perkins
You dear, sweet summer child.
The match begins; you could tell this was the case, because the sun fell from the sky and the planets aligned in a blasphemous arrangement, pouring heretical blathering down on the mortals of the Earth. Somewhere in the din of generic "rawk" metal, there is the trumpet that will blare the end of the Earth.
MBD: This music that would fit in with a menu screen of an early 2000's PS2 game. This movie is like The Force Awakens. Like how it rendered the Expanded Universe worthless, this match has nullified all back yard matches.
They battle, immediately resorting to using the Twist of Fate and weapons, including one which looks like a set from a children's production of Cyrano de Bergerac. Poetically, a ladder is brought in and shoved against Brother Nero's throat.
MBD: I like how Matt Hardy basically becomes a Dalek, yelling Delete instead of Exterminate.
MBJ: These are two former World Champions.
MBD: [Matt is] like the monster of the week from an episode of Super Human Samurai Cyber Squad. These men have scores of accolades between them.
MBJ: And drugs...Lotsa drugs.
MBD: Sadly, Jeff jumping from a tree is among the least idiotic things he's ever done.
MBJ: I wonder if neighbors saw this and were put off by it.
MBD: Well, sadly, this is just another night in North Carolina, daddy!
MBJ: The ladder spot is fucking nasty
MBD: Truly...and now, for the colorful money shot. Another great Jeff delivery: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU????"
MBJ: It needs sci fi sound effects I feel
Jeff places Matt on the ladder and hits a swanton from the top of a nearby tree. Matt kicks out. Matt retaliates with...fire works. A tube that just spits off a series of fireworks, like in that one scene in Naked Gun, only that movie was much more series and grounded than what we are seeing here. Soon, a smokey haze envelops the battlefield.
MBD: I've never seen a wrestling match with a fog of war. Except for, I guess, every episode of RAW with old school Kane ever. This is like a real life reenactment of Duck Game.
Matt attempts to use a garden tool on his brother, who now has fireworks of his own, prompting the exchange of:
Bat Shit Insane Broken Matt Hardy: Oh shit!
Somehow Currently the Saner of the Two, Brother Nero: You damn right "oh shit!"
Matt hides underneath a boat, which instantaneously became one of the most meme'd moments of the whole, Avant Hardy experience.
MBD: "It's a dilapidated boat!" Matt is a ninja, using his surroundings to his advantage.
MBJ: Fucking Willow
MBD: I HATE that Willow laughs like the Space Kook from that Scooby Doo episode. Jeff is AMAZING at quick changes, by the way.
Matt gains the advantage and is able to toss Nero into the river. Matt believes he has finally deleted his brother...until Jeff's alternate persona, "Willow" emerges with a crippling cackle. Matt beats Willow after Senor Benjamin tazes him, and pins him for the three count -- until he finds that Willow, at some point, had switched out with Senor Benjamin. Matt is distraught; Senor Benjamin had been sacrificed by Willow, and the match continues.
Seriously.
MBD: Some of the best "NO" screams in cinematic history
MBJ: Poor Benjamin
MBD: Hardy did confirm that he is alive and well. He was not deleted.
MBJ: Oh good! I'm so glad!
The battle fast approaches its climax; the sky begins to brighten, the early harbinger of the forthcoming star. Before the sun, however, would be a great burning.
The two fight by a ditch, cap-ended by a giant replica of the Hardy logo. Jeff begins to climb but -- in a throwback to earlier when Matt had a candle for his son's birthday and the GAS-O-LINE that was spread around the battlefield -- Reby gives Matt the candle (triggering a career spanning flashback for Matt), which he uses Die Hard 2 style to light a blazing trail to the symbol, causing Jeff to fall off. Matt pins him and wins, basking in the purifying flames. He has deleted, finally, Brother Nero.
We give our post match analysis.
MBD: See, Jeff couldn't just win with wrestling. He HAD to go for the showboating. That will be his undoing. I wonder if Matt had that old Hardy symbol there because he knew it would trigger Jeff to do what he does. Also that flashback sequence is like the one you have near the end of Mass Effect 3, though this has a MUCH better ending.
MBJ: It's not showboating! It's making a definitive statement!
MBD: IT COST HIM EVERYTHING.
MBJ: Well, it cost him a shirt and pants...
MBD: Fun fact: I've seen this twice now and I have no idea what I actually saw.
MBJ: I feel just as empty now as I did watching it.
MBD: Do you know why you feel empty? Because the contents of your stomach have been DELETED.
MBJ: I hope so! I need to lose weight!
MBD: Just think about it: Roughly sixteen years ago, we saw these dudes call the Dudleyz the master of putting people through tables.
MBJ: 17 years ago they had the most amazing series of matches with Edge and Christian
MBD: I actually read a theory that this whole thing was a massive reference to their entire career. The old Hardy logo, the fireworks like from the Hardy feud back in 2008, the taser which was from another part of the Hardy feud, Willow, the fire at the end like the fire from when they were the New Brood. The ladders and chairs, obviously. The main drone being the "Vanguard 1" AKA the V1. Matt even did the hand signal. There's, I think, layers to this. Like I think this is going to be the subject of debate for generations. It's going to be the Stonehenge of wrestling. Wrestling fans will rediscover it eons from now and the only thing they can say will be, "what the fuck was THAT all about?" Sorry, future generations: the present had no god damn clue either.
MBJ: If it helps, this probably will always give me a headache!
MBD: I seriously wonder what Vader thinks of this. "Um, never mind what I said about Ospreay/Ricochet..." Of course that negro was in the White Castle of Doom videos so who the actual fuck knows.
MBJ: Perhaps a future Muscle Buster! Does this mean both Hardy's are retired now? Following up on that retrospective theory
MBD: Matt said this was for the "hardy name" or some such. So is Matt...both Hardys? Is Matt now Matt Nero Hardy Hardy? Will he, too, now dress up like Willow and jump off of tall cages onto no dead Samoans? Also, I bet Willow's laugh is at a similar frequency as that horrific sound through the phone from the end of Fail Safe.
MBJ: Matt's is like the roar from those fast zooms from the final seconds of the [Fail-Safe].
MBD: So, to reiterate: there are dozens of five star matches I haven't seen. There's New Japan I have to catch up on. Yet, I've seen Final Deletion TWICE now and I do not know if I can accept that. I feel like I need to pray at the altar of Misawa (and by that I mean head drop some fools like a strong style hail Mary)
MBJ: I think I need Antonio Inoki to slap the shit outta me.
From here, the conversation evolves into a lengthy discussion about some of our favorite Sidney Lumet movies.
So that was...the...Final Deletion?
It's The Room of modern wrestling angles, so mind warpingly over the top that you cannot help but wonder at the sheer lunacy involved in making this. The Final Deletion story has been the culmination of literal decades of weird assed ideas of Matt Hardy, ideas you'd normally associate with a the weirdo kid in your high school who sniffed glue behind the bleachers and had a collection of esoteric movies like Repo Man while drawing pictures of him armed with a sword battling unspeakable horrors in the margins of his notebooks. It's his Magnum Opus, his Mona Lisa of "what the shitting fuckery."
And whatever anyone can say about the damned thing, it worked. Impact got some big ratings out of the deal, and even a week or two after the fact people are still talking about it. Matt Hardy has made the bizarre transition from Team Xtreme to being professional wrestling's Ed Wood. I don't understand how it's possible that V1 would generate this kind of buzz in 2016, but here we are now, what's done is done. It's the Cannon Films of pro-wrestling, it's the Plan 9 of orchestrated sweaty dude swatting.
It's Matt freakin' Hardy.
How do I even rate this? The match itself was, I guess, in the high end of two stars, but you simply cannot judge a match that is just an element of a larger swath of story telling.
My official rating?
Aquamarine.
And if that doesn't make any fucking sense then welcome to The Final Deletion.
(Also, here's the aftermath that was released after we initially viewed TFD: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJO8mpSUuVM and the Public Deletion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcqsgAP9mx0 )
First, the whole promotion has...let's say it's stalled, though some would argue it had been worse for longer. Especially after their “Best in the World” show was, honestly, anything but, especially when one of their most hyped matches in recent history was apparently cut short for a heel segment so that ANX could pretend to collectively be Donald Trump. And Kevin Sullivan! What's up with that?
I'll likely relegate the show to quick Stapedius reviews unless something of note comes out of the wood work. Seems to be a lot of turmoil happening backstage, but regardless, ROH is on the back burner for me.
This also comes as a sense of some minor sanity for me. It's tough to include ROH when we have NXT looking like it wants to try to be a big deal again leading up to Brooklyn, the CWC appearing to set the world on fire, AJW being AJW, and the G1 Climax coming into view. There's also Lucha Underground, but that won't matter as much soon as their second season is ending this Wednesday with Ultima Lucha Dos.
ANY OLD WAY
NXT – 07/13/16
In his first appearance since slaying the demon Balor, the Emperor Beast of NXT and your champion, Samoa Joe, arrives. He cuts a promo running down Balor and Nakamura, laying claim to his dominance over NXT.
Rhyno, of all people, arrives and stakes his claim to being next to take on Joe. Next week: Joe vs. Rhyno in a non-title match, or: filler until we get around to picking out Joe's next opponent for Brooklyn.
Finn Balor vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
So, this is the whole show, then. We get a few promos before hand, wrestlers giving their thoughts about this match, some match announcements for next week. But really, it's all about this main event, which harkens back to the early post-Network as well as the pre-Network days when NXT would just throw out dream matches on regular airings left and right.
To show you how serious they are about this match, they get the “champion's lighting” even though no title is on the line here.
The first chunk of this match mostly sees Balor with control over Nakamura, trying what he can to take Nak out by the knees, which is logical storytelling considering they both were in New Japan, so Balor knows Nak's power point. It doesn't totally stop Nakamura, however, although while he was still able to use his knee strikes, they had less power; so much so that Balor became the first NXT/WWE star to actually kick out of a Kinshasa (though in New Japan, Nak would often need like four or five Boma Ye's to get a win).
The two trade big moves back and forth, and we get some exciting near falls out of the deal. This is absolutely one of the best matches Balor has had since coming to NXT, and you could easily see this conflict on a TakeOver special. It's a valiant effort on Balor's part, but not enough, as Nakamura gets the win and, presumably, the shot at Joe's title. Great match by both men, as this appears to be the seeming swan song for NXT-era Balor. This had a feel similar to some of Nevile's post title-loss NXT matches as he was integrated into the main roster. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
Cruiser Weight Classic #1
A nice little video package to start us off; it's narrated by Triple H, a wrestler of some renown, as he waxes poetic about how great and grand and glorious these tiny cruiser weight gnomes are.
The intro is awash with purple, seemingly taking place in some alley, as all of the tournament competitors stand around, looking utterly lost. Two robot ninja dudes speed through them, and it's CWC time.
The whole show is presented as that much more different than the base brand; it has a very professional, very sports-like feel, which you would think I abhor but I find I actually love the legitimacy in a professional wrestling context. This must be, I wondered, what sports fans are like. The ramp is different, the mats and colors are all different, the music and mood is different.
We have our first round match as Gran Metalik (AKA Mascara Dorada in Mexico) takes on Alejandro Saez. Each match has a pre-match bumper, with a “versus” screen that looks like it's ripped from a fighting game, with a tale of the tape as you see each wrestler's stats and nationality.
Two things before I start so I won't belabor the point from here on out: all of the music is fantastic and varied (going with the fighting game feel, HoHo Lun's music feels like Ken's level from Street Fighter II). Even if you never see these guys again, they all (so far) have fully realized musical entrances. Another thing to note is that the commentary with Mauro Renallo and Daniel Bryan is incredible. The two of them are engaging, insightful, energetic, knowledgeable, and their joy of the action (action they actually call and not ramble over about other stories) is infectious. You have people online criticizing Bryan for mistiming issues, and I personally can't put any stock in that opinion; it comes off as the barest, most vain of nitpicks by people just looking for something negative to say. Mauro and Bryan have instantly become the best commentator team in the WWE in years – and yes, I'll even take them over the much coveted Graves/Phillips team from NXT. They're good, but I've always thought the commentator-as-character gimmick was silly and unnecessary. I know there's been this ill founded, pernicious belief for years that Bryan doesn't know how to talk, which has always been confusingly wrong. It's even less of a thing here on the CWC; it's weird hearing commentators who actually enjoy what they watch, and are brimming with enthusiasm over the action.
ANYWAY
Gran Metalik vs. Alejandro Saez
I've spoken of Metalik already, but Saez is an interesting case. He's the biggest man in the tournament, having cut significant weight to get into the CWC. He's most notable in that he apparently founded wrestling in Chile, a fact of which endearingly amazes Bryan (“They have wrestling in CHILE????”).
The match is just the kind of opener you needed, with crazy dives and some great wrestling. Anyone who has seen Dorada in Mexico or New Japan already knew how good and talented a wrestler Metalik is, but Saez utterly surprised me. He did some surprising flips, had some mean strikes, and showed a lot more (albeit somewhat goofy) personality than I had assumed he would have. The bigger name won out, however, as Metalik sunk Saez and moved on in the tournament. Fun opener. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Ho Ho Lun vs. Ariya Daivari
Ho Ho Lun already came in as somewhat established; from the start, Lun was able to endear himself to many fans before he ever even wrestled, which says something about a kind of charisma he has. Daivari, however, was more unknown: having mostly wrestled in Minnesota, Daivari is the brother of that Daivari, of Hassan and Davari infamy. Even from his quick introduction, you can tell that Daivari has something to prove.
The quickest assessment of this match is: Lun was outclassed in nearly every wrestling metric. Lun was able to garner a ton of crowd support; the fans chanted his name to the “ole” tune, he also got chants of “let's go Ho Ho.” But in wrestling, facials, strikes, Lun looked mostly loss. This is not even meant in a malicious tone; the truth is, Lun is still impressive. He loved wrestling so much he learned Judo for a year (incorrectly thinking that they were pro wrestling lessons) and introduced wrestling to China, much like how Saez brought wrestling to Chile. He would need extensive work, but there's an undeniable passion when it comes to Lun and wrestling.
Daivari on the other, had quite the showing, leading Lun to a watchable match whilst looking honed and crisp the entire time. What was also noteworthy was that Daivari immediately established himself as a “bad guy,” which has a different feel in a tournament focused less on story and more on wrestling.
Lun advances, but like with Saez I do hope someone takes a look at Daivari. MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
Cedric Alexander vs. Clement Petiot
Anyone who has read even a few scant words of my ROH reviews knows how much I've always liked Alexander, and how I've always lamented how ROH dropped the ball with him. It's early, I know, but it's weird that I live in a time where a WWE show did more with Cedric Alexander in one match than Ring of Honor did in his entire tenure there.
Clement Petiot is another virtual unknown; he's a French wrestler who trained with and patterned himself off of Lance Storm, and it shows. He comes in with a heavy, hard hitting style in contrast to what we've seen before, which mostly has been lucha, American indie, or high flying cruiser weight styles. To point to more brilliance to the commentators, they give us notice about this difference of styles. Petiot comes off to me like a French Ciampa.
This was another good match in the tournament, as Cedric tries to avoid the laying-in fisticuffs style of Petiot. The commentators make note on how Cedric had to drop something like thirty or twenty five pounds to enter the tournament and, like with Saez, they speculate as to how much that might affect him. Petiot clearly knows what he's doing, and Cedric continues to show why people were scratching their heads at ROH's misuse of him. It's also notable that Petiot also establishes himself as a non-crowd favorite. Cedric wins with the Lumbar Check, which looks devastating here. Big support for Cedric and Petiot showed potential. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
Also, Cedric pulls off a little tiny bit of World of Sport wrestling at the beginning. What the shit, ROH?
Kota Ibushi vs. Sean Maluta
Kota Ibushi is perhaps the biggest, world renown star in this tournament, or at least is certainly the one with the most hype. Anyone who has seen a match of “the Golden Star” would see why; not only is he an amazing aerialist, he has, as Bryan emphasizes to no end, some of the most brutal kicks in all of wrestling. It's surreal seeing Ibushi in a WWE context, but here we are. Just a year and a half ago, Ibushi was involved in the best match of 2015 when he took Shinsuke Nakamura to the limit in New Japan.
Sean Maluta is another utter unknown, with ties to the Anoa'i family. He's representing Samoa and dresses like a paint chip eating Uso brother (the “Malachi Jackson” of the Usos), but there's little to go off from there.
But see, here's what's great about this tournament: your known knowns, known unknowns, and unknown unknowns. If you're watching this, you likely already know about the heavier names like Kota Ibushi, Taijiri, and the like. But a greater number of those people have not the foggiest sense on who a Sean Maluta is; I watch a good amount of wrestling and I never heard of the guy. Hell, I don't know half the guys in this tournament. Daniel freaking Bryan admitted the same, so points for the scouring of talent.
It could be a crap shoot either way. There could be, and likely will be, someone utterly devoid of any redeeming quality; on the other hand, you could get some pleasant surprises, and even as far as the night has gone that has already been true.
Clearly, someone thought enough of Sean Maluta to pair him across from Kota Ibushi. What's great is, Maluta actually does a serviceable job of holding his own. Ibushi, of course, is so good he can (and actually has) had compelling matches with literal blowup dolls. But Maluta was right in there with him, and was taking it to Ibushi. Maluta does suffer a visually nasty spill, but here's where the quality, Vince McMahon-less commentary comes to light. On the main roster, they would have made some dumb joke if they even acknowledged it; here, they recognize it while Bryan goes into a whole thing about how sometimes shit happens, and in a high stakes tournament like this you are doing things you normally would never do to get ahead. You know they would do the same in a “real” sport.
Bryan drives home that Ibushi has taken a lot of neck damage, which I'm curious as to whether or not that will be a running narrative in the tournament. Whatever the case, the match goes tit-for-tat, with Maluta getting the win after a flush savate kick. Ibushi's power and aerial expertise seize the day, however, as he blasts Maluta with a Last Ride sit out power bomb for the win. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
I'm already sold on this concept. The matches were fun, the presentation is stellar, and the prospect of more matches and future match ups only entices further. Win or lose, there are a lot of these wrestlers that need a serious looking at once this whole thing wraps up.
Lucha Underground: Ultima Lucha Dos Part Two
THE GIFT OF THE GODS!
(Oh, you shouldn't have mortals. But I'm glad you did)
It's Daga vs. Killshot vs. Marty the Moth vs. Mariposa vs. Sexy Star vs. Sinestro de la Muerte vs. Night Claw ti kick off the second act of Ultima Lucha Dos.
This match can be divided in two, with the second half being dominated by the remnants of the Moth/Mariposa/Star plot. The first chunk of the match is classic LU affair; multiple stories playing out, great action. Up until his tragic early elimination, Daga was by far the star of the early match; the man has been a great delight in his few appearances this season, we just need maybe a story of some revelation about him. I guess he has some of a story, as Kobra Moon gazes longingly from afar. Sinestro is eliminated first which really puts a capper on how kind of shrugged and discarded the whole Death's disciples thing wound up being.
The next showcase is for Killshot and the debuting Night Claw. I still think Night Claw has more to show (though he did well here) but Killshot put in one of his best performances to date and had the crowd rocking for him. Night Claw, somewhat surprisingly, is the third eliminated after Sinestro and Daga.
It's Killshot/Mariposa/Moth/Star. Another great mix of stories; Killshot has had his feud with Marty, while Star had the obvious conflict with Marty and his sister Mariposa. This chunk continues on like a mixed tornado tag with some good offense from the good guys, until Star gets taken out. Killshot gets eliminated after an impressive “Gringo Killa” move from Mariposa.
Star is at a disadvantage until an errant punch from Marty knocks Mariposa clean the hell out which leads to her elimination. Star and Marty go at it until Star cinches in a cross arm breaker and causes Marty to tap out. Star is the new GotG champion! Nothing show stealing, but some solid high flying action and a logical convergence of stories. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
In a LUCHA VIGNETTE, Cortez and Joey Ryan are wiring up Cisco. Cisco is logically nervous, as one would tend to be considering they have to try and ensnare a sociopathic mad man with a lust for violence and a muscle bound murder machine possessed by a cannibal god. You know. Lucha things.
Your main for the evening is Mil Muertes vs. King Cuerno in a death match. The feud has been somewhat rushed or half-assedly played out, at least. It's like they had other, more story relevant things to worry about, while still trying to find something for main player Muertes and also-big-player-but-you-would-not-know-it King Cuerno. Also, the “death match” title has always been a great nebulous expanse of a term. Does it mean a hardcore match? Does it mean a last man standing match? Maybe an LMS match where you have to pin the person first? Here, it's simply “fuck da rules.”
What we get out of this is a fun brawl, pretty much echoing some of the better crowd-walk battles of old ECW hardcore matches. LU has always been decent about using their environment, and here is no different as they take to the stands, the stairs, and even fight through the band area, which has a great moment where it looked as if Muertes was going to sing on the mic.
Once they get back down from there, the match truly hits a new gear. Besides a drop onto a ladder, you have Muertes going something north of nuclear after Cuerno threatened Catrina. He spears Cuerno through a table and power bombs the poor sod through three separate tables back to back. In what is a distinctly brutal spot, Muertes jumps off the top rope and hits Cuerno in the back of the head with a fucking crowbar and I got flashbacks to some of the more violent scenes from Casino. A tombstone pile driver later, and Muertes is your winner and Cuerno is probably as dead as Dillinger on a movie night. Great brawl; LU seems to do really well with that match type. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Mr. Cisco is in Dario's office. Cisco is a pretty decent wrestler but he's Baron-Corbin-wrestling levels of terrible at trying to slip a fast one past Dario. Dario quickly deduces there's a wire, and proceeds to lay firm foundation for some of the cops' claims against him by killing the holy crap out of Cisco with the paperweight-with-a-body-count, the red bull on Dario's desk. Afterward, he gets on the phone and declares, “it's time.”
AJW Classics #10
Date: 1/5-1986 (Korakuen Hall)
WWWA Tag Team Championship - 2/3 Falls
Itsuki Yamazaki & Noriyo Tateno (c) vs. Bull Nakano & Condor Saito
It's the Jumping Bomb Angels versus the Gokuaku Domei B-team of Bull Nakano and Condor Saito, who I think has only showed up as the second to the Domei and has yet to wrestle on Classics.
It's hard to rate this match as it's clearly clipped, something that's becoming more and more obvious to me as I watch Classics. The first two falls are sped through in literal minutes, while what's shown is mostly the final fall. Bull regales us with more of her nunchuck action, making Uncle Ruckus proud. As is always the case with a Dump Army match, there is plenty of violence, ambush attacks, and weapons, but it's always satisfying to see the tables well and truly turned as the JBA use the chucks with extensive flare against the Domei.
Bull is the highlight here, showing some outstanding heel tendencies including holding Itsuki in a reverse pile driver and taunting Tateno with the fate of her partner. Itsuki, it should be noted, is quite a good face in peril. Tateno eventually gets a last ditch, desperate German for the win. Lioness Asuka congratulates the pair. Not going to rate it due to my realizing how clipped it was, but from what was shown it looked quite good. What's nice about the “b-team” is that they are generally more wrestlers than any combination including Dump.
Date: 1/9-1986 (Nagoya)
WWWA Tag Team Championship - 2/3 Falls
Itsuki Yamazaki & Noriyo Tateno (c) vs. Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano
If there is only one thing certain in life, it's not death or taxes, it's that a Dump match will start with an assault from her army. The match goes as such for a time, and it seems that Dump has been finding new “Violent Japanese Heel Weapons” outlets because she brings in a giant oil drum that I'm sure will have freshly cooked chicken in it if you broke it open (clearly, her dealer is from Metro City).
Itsuki, quality face in peril, gets bloodied and her leg pummeled. In a nice bit of realistic psychology, she hobbles around the ring as Dump blocks the corner with Tateno; eventually, Itsuki just dives out the ring to the other side, suffering a further beating by the Domei but eventually being saved by the other girls and returned to her partner. Another thing to always remember about a Dump match is that, every time you wrestle against the Gokuaku Domei, you're essentially wrestling a lumberjack match that is not in your face.
Itsuki dishes out a masterclass in selling, as the girl sells the ever loving crap out of her leg; she bandages it, she hops around, she recoils in pain after every move. She hits a top rope drop kick and tearfully clutches her leg as she goes for the pin. It's good stuff, if you're into that. There's also a nice bit of drama: Dump goes after Itsuki's knee with a garbage can, only for Tateno to get in the way and gets blasted by the weapon instead, all in a bid to protect her partner. At the end of it all, an Itsuki German suplex seals the deal for the JBA.
Date: 2/15-1986 (Kawasaki)
AJW Tag Team Championship
Yumi Ogura & Kazue Nagahori vs. Bull Nakano & Condor Saito
So it seems Ogura and Nagahori were the Red Typhoons. We've gone over Ogura before (Hyper Cat) and it seems that Nagahori wrestled like twenty six times, beat some notable names, and never stepped foot in the ring again; such is her legacy.
What I'm getting out of this is that the Gokuaku Domei were mad thirsty for some tag gold; this episode alone has them involved in two unsuccessful bids for the WWWA tag titles, and now this match for the AJW tag belts.
The match has a nice, bizarre change of pace as it's the Red Typhoon who are actually aggressors, making them perhaps the only damn team in AJW who actually watches matches of their opponents. What's fun to see with Typhoon is that they are notably acrobatic, utilizing assisted flips and sentons to immobilize their opponents. The aggression showed to the Bull and Condor is such that, at one point, Condor has to get her arm put back in its socket while she rests at ring side.
Another bit I''d like to point out is that Condor, more than just about the rest of the Domei, is more of a wrestler. Bull, Dump, Crane, just about everyone else is fine with power moves, aggressive slams, weapons, and generally using their weight to their advantage. Condor, perhaps as a necessity by being on the smaller side, actually applies holds and submissions.
It's a good enough match from what we're shown, but again it's clipped. Red Typhoon gets the win, and the Domei are denied once more from garnering any gold.
Jaguar Yokota Retirement Match
Jaguar Yokota vs. Devil Masami
God damn, the 26/27 year old age limit of AJW was brutal. Or was this because of Jaguar's shoulder? I'm honestly not sure, but either way the age limit I think did more harm than good, in the long term. I think this is historically accurate, as all of these talented women's wrestlers had nowhere to go so would start forming their own promotions, splitting the fan base a million different ways during the nineties.
As for this, it's tough to see, especially as Jaguar was one of the best they had. The mantle, it seems, was passed on to Devil. The match is fast and evenly matched, but retirement matches have something like a five or sevn minute time limit, so the bell rings and that's the last of Jaguar Yokota. Lioness Asuka comes in and for reasons slightly beyond me attacks Jaguar, and the two have a quick, unsanctioned, impromptu match. Then they hug. Then Devil hugs. Then they all hugs. There's music and tears and flowers and speeches I don't understand. This is a match from a billion years ago, and I already lament being unable to see more of Jaguar in AJW.
STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:
Sendai Girls 10th Anniversary Show ~ Women's Wrestling Big Show In Niigata
Yes, I actually enjoyed the match that much. Io Shirai is world glass and Meiko Satomura is a god damned all-timer, and as someone said somewhere on the internet, this feud is like the “Okada and Tanahashi” of women's feuds. Let the comparison stand not as gender substitutions but as recognition of two top tier wrestlers going at it. Io is even better, I think, when she displays her asshole side, as she does here. If this were a just world, Satomura would be spoken about in the same breath as many of the top wrestlers going today – because she is. A personal MOTYC for me.
G1 Climax 26
Christmas in the summer for wrestling fans as arguably the greatest collection of wrestling to take place at any point in the calender year kicked off just the other day with the G1 Climax 26!
Tenzan looks to follow through on his want to reach the top in what is supposedly his last G1 as has a brutal, knock down fight with Ishii (it's impossible not to). Great showing by Tenzan, who looks to go out in a blaze of glory.
SANADA not only defeated Tanahashi he made the Ace of the Universe tap out with the Cold Skull! Another great match, and SANADA'S biggest win to date. It makes sense; Tanahashi had been out for months with a grievous arm injury and it helped cost him the match – not helped by the fact that SANADA is dangerous as hell.
You know if this were Cena or Reigns, they would have easily won their first match back, even if they had been gone for a year after being run over by a tractor combine and set on fire. One of the many reasons why Tanahashi is a living legend; the man can take a loss, a logical one at that, and is still seen as a king.
In yet another surprise, Okada got soundly beaten by Marufuji! I had never been down on Marufuji like it seemed the greater internet collective had been, and I'm glad he's here showing what he could do. Marufuji had always been one of the more crafty, devious wrestlers out there, and he showed this by nearly tearing Okada's arm out of his socket and finding a thousand ways to get out of the Rainmaker, before a few flying knees and a pole-shift Emerald Fusion Kai took Okada out.
Great start to what is hopefully going to be a stellar tournament.
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Tama Tonga vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Hirooki Goto MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match
Kazuchika Okada vs. Naomichi Marufuji MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2 (SUPREME MUSCLE)
This is perhaps the first time I've gone into a series of NXT tapings without having any idea of what is to come. Typically, I read the NXT spoilers, but in order to avoid seeing spoilers for the CWC I avoided all Full Sail based reveals. This is all uncharted territory for me, now.
Bayley and Bliss kick off this wild frontier. While I do think people give Bliss just a tad too much credit here, this is the best I think she's ever looked. I've also noticed that I've said that about her in nearly every match she's been in for the last few months, but it's true; her improvement has sky rocketed. Alexa Bliss is hitting the Singularity of improvement, I hope, where bouts between outstanding showings grow shorter and shorter until she could very well be considered one of the best women wrestlers in NXT. I mean, she already is at this rate, just falling miles short of Bayley and a few miles more of Asuka, but she's easily the top of the women's mid-card scene right now. This match is also damned fantastic, and one of the best TV women's matches in quite some time. Bliss showed a commanding edge, making you forget that she's basically a sprite compared to most people. At one point, she appears to have Misawa-styled knocked the absolute crap out of Bayley. This match also shows why Bayley is one of the best faces around, as she sells TONS to Bliss and helped make her look even better, while having some spirited offense like, of all things, a running buckle bomb. When Bayley hits her offensive stride, we see even more aggression come out of her. Bayley wins, and her path to reclaiming her title continues. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Bayley cuts a live promo, calling Nia Jax out. Nia Jax arrives and agree to a rubber match between the two. Bayley's road to redemption goes through Jax. It reminds me of Zayn's angle as he gunned for the title, involving him trying to beat everyone he lost to on his way to finally defeating Neville. Hell, Bayley had a similar story leading up to her classic Brooklyn win.
TM61 hype video, followed by a Revival promo where they claim they are going to retain tonight against American Alpha.
Blake and Murphy reform again to take on the Hype Bros. I almost fast forward until Rhyno comes down and murders everyone except, strangely, Murphy. Murphy looks freaked because of reasons. For goring the shit out of Mojo, Rhyno has become the best face in the company.
I wrote down “As promo” but I don't know what that means. Probably an American Alpha promo. You know the deal.
One of the greatest visuals I've ever seen in wrestling follows as Rhyno, stubby trunk-thick limbs and ring gear and all, walks through the back lot towards a gorgeous painted cherry pink sky. I need a painting of that in my apartment.
Your main event: American Alpha vs. The Revival in a two out of three falls match for the NXT tag titles.
Here's the first thing I'm going to say. I know this makes me sound bratty new-generation, but I hate hate hate hate heat segments in tag matches. Much of the time. Fuck the selling, fuck the heat, I will take a Dragongate style mad dash over forty fucking hours of the evil tag pulling back the good tag from their partners while announcers talk about strategy and cutting the ring in half. Prolonged tag segments legitimately bore me, mainly because very few, if any tags can make it interesting, plus most tags just milk it for too. Fucking. Long.
Which is why I have to give credit for these two teams for having an elongated heat segment while still making it engaging. I grant you this: it was still just a bit too damn long, but it A) had storyline implications and B) shook up the classic AA formula, where this time Jordan was the face-in-peril.
These two teams work so well together it's nearly effortless, plus they actually make the falls matter. A lot of two-out-of-three falls matches follow the aggravating trope of getting the first two falls out the way in the first few minutes, making the rest of the match just another singles match, negating the whole fucking reason for the stip in the first place. Here, these two teams work hard for even the one fall, and it's some great, compelling action. The Revival work over Jordan's knee but AA are able to recover. In a nice twist, the face team gets the first one, with a submission victory over the Revival. Soon after, the prolonged beat down on Jordan pays off for the Revival as they make him tape. The last fall is one of the more desperate battles for a fall I've seen, as the two empty their arsenal against one another. It's great stuff, with a hot ending of an apron shatter machine on Gable allowing the Revival to win – cleanly. No Authors of Pain attacks, no grand trickery, the Revival were just the better team. I still think American Alpha are far and away superior (I get it, the Revival wrestle like old southern dudes and punch and cheat I don't care), but it's going to take a hell of a team to upend the Revival. Great stuff, great show. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)
Next week is going to be a madness cavalcade of wrestling. On the same day you get Balor/Nakamura, Ultima Lucha Dos Part II, AND the fucking first round of the CWC.
“My god. It will be beautiful.” – Judge Doom
ROH # 248
More “War of the Worlds” fodder to tie us over until “Best in the World!” Some of these ROH taping schedules are brutal in their length, it seems. Hope they never do a taping at the Kaley Bay Hutchinson Civic Center, it'll take like six months.
We start off with Gedo vs. Dalton Castle. Gedo's mesmerized by Castle's antics, as should we all. Gedo gets fanned by the boys and then attacks them, making him perhaps histories greatest monster. Boys get a mite bit of revenge before Castle wins. You get an inherent silliness factor when you throw in a Castle and/or a Gedo, but it doesn't translate to anything really worth watching. Not this week, anyway. MUSCLE RATING: *1/2
Whitmer and Corino hype package, promising that this, too, shall pass, and I don't believe them. Cole cuts a promo in front of the comedian murderwall, talking about how he's going to pick up the scraps in the forthcoming Jay vs. Jay title match at Best in the World, which everyone is laughably calling the biggest rematch in Ring of Honor history.
Ishii destroys Will Ferrera, who does a good job of showing some resilience, at least. Sadly, that stable is old and dead. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Corino cuts an in-ring promo. He is an evil man, you see. My interest in what is essentially a holding pattern episode should be obvious by now.
In your main event (not mine) The Bullet Club of G.o.D, Matt Jackson and Kenny Omega take on Strong, Jay Lethal, and the Briscoes. I'll cut to the chase by issuing forth the surprise that the BC did not win this, which is astounding. It's a decent tag all in all, with the G.o.D thankfully tucked away so that the people who know what the hell they are doing can try and wrangle a good match out of this turkey.
The two most interesting parts of the match include the ending, where Lethal swallows a double super kick meant for Jay Briscoe before Jay Briscoe gets the win for his team, building to THE BIGGEST REMATCH IN ROH HISTORY and the very meaty, very delicious prospect of a Jay Lethal/Kenny Omega title match, which needs to happen to justify this current slate of New Japan crossover shows. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
The end of the episode is an avalanche of promos hyping, demanding, pleading for you to watch BITW!
ROH #249
This week, the women take over! Or were allowed by the malevolent patriarchy to showcase their wrestling wares on TV instead of being relegated to dark matches and YouTube shows. Look, I'm not saying the Women of Honor are the Crush Gals or Akira Hokuto or anything, but I refuse to believe they are any worse than G.o.D, Luke Gallows, or the forthcoming Yukiro Takahashi. I mean, those dudes, as wrestling dudes, comrpise an ocean of garbage water.
I'm sure they are very lovely people in real life, however, Yujiro especially.
NOW LET US OPEN THE SUFFRAGATES.
Veda Scott, Allison Kay, and Amber Gallows start against Sumie Sakai, Crazy Mary Dobson, and Thunderkitty. Scott is a regular female face around the indies, while Kay I think has shown up on the NXT before. Gallows is the “Bullet Babe,” married to the Gallows of “shitting up nearly every match he's in in New Japan or WWE” fame, so I'm hoping his suck isn't contagious. Sumie Sakai is a veteran, hailing from “Jersey Shore, Japan” which I guess is like the 2016 version of “Bombay, Michigan.” Dobson has shown up a few times before on NXT, and Thunderkitty is unknown to me, though according to both commentary and her style of dress, she's a temporally displaced pin-up model who is 95 years old. I wonder if she knows Matt Classic.
The match is kiiiiiiiinda sloppy, and when it's not it's somewhat dull, just screams and strikes. The action does pickup and begs to become interesting as time wears on, though Dobson specifically looks to be by far the best of the lot. Scott is decent, as the SHIMMER tournament from Mania weekend has shown, but she excels with character. Still, Scott is the standout here, making it slightly baffling that she, of all people, took the fall. MUSCLE RATING: **
ODB takes on a graduate of the ROH Dojo, a large black woman named Faye Stevens, and I HAVE to imagine she was inspired by Monster Ripper/Bertha Faye/Rhonda Singh. ODB gets a decent reaction, her face well known from TNA and colluding with the Briscoes. Stevens is clearly knew and needed to be helped around, but I would not entirely dismiss her just yet, especially if she goes down the Nia Jax road of improvement. It's not a particularity interesting match beyond just seeing ODB or seeing a newbie in action, though. MUSCLE RATING: *
Hania the Huntress and Mandy Leon have promos, with Hania specifically talking about how she's going to be the nightmare of the Women of Honor.
Hania and Mandy battle it out. Mandy overall looked better than I assumed she would, and judging by the reaction she seems to be the de facto face of the WOH. Hania used to be known as Saturyne in Chikara, and now she's plying her pugilistic trade in ROH. Hania seems to have gotten in even better shape than she was before – which was almost impossible – and seems to have adopted a spiritual, native American gimmick, which is unique for the women wrestlers. I already knew Hania had some talent after seeing her and Athena have a decent series of matches last year. The match goes quite long, and not everything is solid, not everything connects, but there's some good ideas there and some good moments. The match goes on for quite an epic amount of time, until Hania hits Mandy with the Codebreaker or, as she calls it, the Eclipse, and wins. Again, not all of the pieces fit but a decent picture all the same. I'd like to see Mandy and especially Hania tussle with the likes of Asuka, Nattie, Banks, Bayley, Becky, etc. MUSCLE RATING: ***
For your main event, it's my chauvinistic dream girl Taeler Hendrix fighting Kelly Klein. A few promos before hand paint the picture: Taeler is obsessed with being the woman of honor, even going so far as to use paraphrase the Watchmen line by saying, “I'm not in the ring with any of you. You're in the ring with me.” Kelly appears to be some hard hitting submission specialist and she is endorsed by BJ Whitmer, but I won't hold that against her.
This might be the first time I've seen Taeler Hendrix in action. Again, the crux of this match can be boiled down to, “she didn't quite get all of that”; not all of the hits connect, and there's more than a few awkward transitions, especially an askew looking tombstone. That being said, I was mostly into the match – I could see the potential in both girls; Taler has some power to her and a surprising amount of flexibility all while looking like a character from Mortal Kombat, not to mention she has some of the best mannerisms I've seen of any of the women in Ring of Honor, and I'd like to see her in a “gesture off” with Alexa Bliss; Kline looks good as an intimidating power base, and I will always approve of a guillotine choke finisher. That all said, both wrestlers need some work, spit, shine, polish and all, but I didn't hate it. Decent episode, and again I've seen MUCH more laborious chunks of time on Ring of Honor TV before. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
ROH #250
A “best of” of 2016. It's all archival stuff, but it has a few notable matches, like Ishii vs. Bobby Fish.
So, yay?
Lucha Underground
ULTIMA LUCHA DOS!!!!
Is next episode don't get all excited just yet geeze calm down.
Striker and Vampiro run through the card, and it actually sounds better Ultima Lucha Uno, which was already a wildly entertaining show. Tonight promises to strengthen the build in this, the go home episode before three weeks of ULD. Newly included is Drago/Fenix/Aerostar challenging Johnny Mundo/PJ Black/Jack Evans. They're officially called World Wide Underground, which is nice, but lacks a little subtlety from being “The Dick Kickers.”
First match out is Mil Muertes returning to the Temple to take out the man that stuffed and mounted him – and not in that way, though who knows, we may have an episode of “Cuerno and the Real Doll”. It's a quick, pleasantly hard hitting affair. A ref bump and some chair spots later, Cuerno uses the almighty power of “cheating” to secure a somewhat surprise win for Muertes. Would have probably taken a no-contest, but either way, Cuerno/Muertes should be hype for ULD. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
Back in Dario Cueto's office, the room where it happens. Taya and Ivelisse are sitting next to each other, somehow not actively committing a murder at each others. There are still snips, which is about as peaceful as could be expected. Dario formally books the two in a match at ULD to see who indeed is the “baddest bitch in the building.” On her way out, Ivelisse bumps into and also snips at Catrina. Catrina – a ghost, by the way – demands a rematch for Muertes against Cuerno. Dario is still pissed about something something massive horrendous expensive damage to his office and also Catrina and Muertes trying to take over the Temple something something. Catrina demands a death match. “I hate you, but you know just what to say to get me excited.” Dario has such a lust boner for violence.
Prince Puma takes on Dragon Azteka Jr., as LOS VENGADORES SLIGHTLY IMPLODES. I already came into this match pre-psyched, and even the humorousness of seeing DAJ with what appears to be a watermelon helmet for a mask does nothing to lessen my riled-up state. The two go on to have a spectacular match, even better than I would have expected from these two. There is an intense, acrobatic flurry to begin with, reminiscent of those two New Japan jobbers from a month ago. The crowd is split, as Puma goes on to show more and more heelish. This is just a raucous, foot stomping kind of match, and one of the best matches in recent Lucha Underground viewings, which says a LOT as there has been some very quality matches in the last month or so. What's also nice about this match is that we get an ample serving of singles Dragon Azteka; he has spent much of season two in multi-man matches or trios tags, so it was great to see how hard he can go in a singles capacity, and he does not disappoint. Whether he can get a passable match out of the utterly untested Black Lotus for Ultima Lucha Dos remains to be seen. Prince Puma wins, giving him momentum as he takes on Rey in a dream match at Ultima Lucha Dos. “Holy fuck,” my notes say, “was great.” MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)
Afterward, Puma taunts Rey Mysterio. They have a little face off. Whether this becomes a friendly rivalry or a foul heel turn remains to be seen.
(My insufficient funds rests on heel turn.)
Dario is out in the Temple amongst the unwashed masses, delivering a speech to Texano, The Mack, Cage, and Son of Havoc. He says that the four will engage in a “unique opportunity” match – to specify, it's “four a unique opportunity,” because there's four of them and it's for a unique opportunity. Unique Opportunity of course is the monkey's paw offerings of Lucha Underground. Cueto tells them to get a head start. They all fight each other, with Cage standing tall.
Fenix and Johnny Mundo main event, having a great match that puts up a good fight, but ultimately cannot overtake the glory of Puma/DAJ. These two work well together, and this is also helped since both are incredibly talented on their own. Thanks to Taya, Mundo is able to extract a win. A cheese kinda cheap ending helps to devalue the match some, but it's all a setup for the Mythical Beasts versus the Underground Cock Punters. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
The rest of the Underground come out to beat down Fenix, until Drago and Aerostar defend their fake fire birded friend. Ivelisse makes another appearance to take down Taya. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE'RE OUT OF TIME SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON ULTIMA LUCHA DOS
Lucha Underground – ULTIMA LUCHA DOS PART ONE
IT'S YOUR FIRST DOSE OF ULTIMA LUCHA DOS
This entire episode was devoted to the “four a Unique Opportunity” mini tournament, as the Temple prepares itself for the beginning of the end! Not the ill-defined NXT TakeOver special, but the first of a three part finale that will close out season two in likely bombastic fashion.
Posters hang around the Temple, with all of the graffiti tinged grunge of old back alley posters plastered on brick walls, like advertisements you would expect to see while punching dudes in the face and picking up chicken from oil drums in Metro City. It's a great look, and reminds me of the superstar posters that sat around the edge of the arena like a crown during WrestleMania 22 – I think those posters were my favorite thing about said Mania.
The Mack and Expert non-man Cage begin the lilliputian tournament, a nice little bit of continuity from last year's Ultima Lucha when they were the first bout during that show, and I hope they're the opening act for every Ultima Lucha to come.
Before we begin, however, we get the Tux wearing variant of Dario Cueto as he comes out to address the crowd. He remembers the falls count anywhere match Cage and Mack had last year at UL one; he liked it so much he demands another.
This match is versatile in that it goes both ape and shit. It's falls count anywhere and the two pick up right where they left off from a year before, with weapons, hip tosses into bleachers, fighting in to Dario's office where we find Dario and Black Lotus hanging around, and down hallways. There are guitars used as well as pinatas, which might be a first in wrestling. There's a mad shit-all dive through a table and – in even more continuity – a cinder block, harkening back to the ending of last year's match. Cage is about to repeat history, but slips on beer that Mack had spilled during his strange Stone Cold impression – again, the beer slipping being yet another layer cake of references to their old feud-- leading to Mack getting the win over Cage. This match was authentically fun, and likely a blast to see live. Great action, great callbacks, and a great start to ULD. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
Texano vs. Son of Havoc is up next. Dario interrupts again, his violence phallus virtually throbbing to the point of bursting like a microwaved Gremlin. He demands this match to be a Boyle Heights Bar fight (using the tenuous logic that a cowboy and a biker are known for drinking). The match comes off like a super fun ECW hardcore match, with gimmicks aplenty and more casual traipsing through the crowd. There are fire helmets, barrels, and fire extinguishers used to effect here. The most noteworthy spot comes when Texano is back dropped through a small bar at the side, crashing through dozens of (likely sugar) glass bottles. Havoc makes a small pit of broken glass and proceeds to not only stomp Texano into it but bicycle kick him right into the shard-filled defilade for the win. Holy crap, I did say. Another unreasonably fun match; the crowd is at somewhat of a fever pitch, and for good reason. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Mack versus Havoc, Son of, in the finals for one of Dario's unique opportunities. Tuxedo Mask Cueto returns, also making this falls count anywhere. It's not as good as either of the previous matches, but let's not kid ourselves: this match continues the energetic, fun through line that the rest of the night has had so far. It's a close call, and considering the sheer physicality of the other matches I'm not be forced to use the old spots adage of “you hate to see either one lose,” but you do. Sadly for the Mack, he's the loser here, as Son of Havoc wins this most unique of opportunities. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
Dario returns with a briefcase. Inside the briefcase is $250,000. Son of Havoc's choices: take the obscene amount of money or forgo the cash, instead garnering a guaranteed title match in the main event of Ultima Lucha Tres!
Son of Havoc clearly isn't about the cash, despite the fact that the amount of money we're talking about could buy supplies for his mighty beard maintenance for at least four months. He wants the title shot.
Which SON OF HAVOC IS GOING TO GET!
If
IF he can beat his next opponent.
Famous B comes out and announces his new signee; the uber-jacked fifty year old Lucha legend, Dr. Wagner f'n Jr.!
Son of Havoc cannot.
Dr. Wagner is awarded the money. Son of Havoc gets nothing. And that's how this episode ends.
It was infuriating in the most authentic wrestling way. Think about it: this UO tournament meant nothing. All of those fun matches, all of the violence they suffered through, and the people who gained the most were not even involved in the initial brackets. Dario is sick, perverse, sadistic, and sociopathic, and this entire episode is perhaps one of the best character shows for Dario. He comes down like some Old Testament god, establishing brutal, arbitrary stipulations for his mortal pawns all in a bid to entertain himself, and then finally takes it away for his own amusement. Dario is the devil and, at once, Calypso from Twisted Metal, as has been said again and again. I got a similar feeling to when Matanza first arrived; a hurricane cocktail of excitement and elation weathered to shock and woe when you realize that your heroes were getting destroyed. Same here: these matches are awesome! They're fun! Son of Havoc wins! He deserves it!
Then the caveat.
Dario is the Satan's asterisks. And easily among the very best wrestling characters running.
I also fully expect Son of Havoc's long black road to redemption in season three.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR ULD PART II!
AJW Classics # 7
Episode #7 - Date: 8/22/85 (Budokan, Tokyo)
Singles Match
Monster Ripper vs. Yukari Ohmori
It's the return of Monster Ripper as she takes on Ohmori of Dynamite Girls fame! There's a big chant thrown out for Ohmori, though there's little more than that since this really turns into a glorified squash with the most un-intriguing of action. Strange that a DG would get squashed so; Ohmori is great as one of the DG, but the Crush Gals are better as both singles and tag wrestlers. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Tag Team Match
Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano vs. Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki
It's the Gokuaku Domei A-team taking on the Jumping Bomb Angels. For reasons unknown to me, the JBA are dressed like eighties casino workers form an H-dating game. Crane Yu is your ref, and she's spectacularly ineffective against the normal Dump Army onslaught, with Dump whipping out chain attacks like she's Birdie. There's more members of the Domei who look like school girls, or I might just be saying that because they have knee high socks. A table shows up and the Angels finally get an advantage which ultimately means nothing, as a double count out and a cheat filled usage of a spike piledriver seals the deal. This match is like just about most Dump Army matches, a gimmick that has long since grown tiresome. This match never really got out of the gate; it wandered from the gate, took a few drunken steps, then fell backwards, starting back further behind than when it started. MUSCLE RATING: **
IWA Championship
Devil Masami (c) vs. Chigusa Nagayo
Chigusa gets a chance at the secondary singles title in the promotion, fighting against Devil Masami in this big match. First thing I need to point out is that Devil Masami has perhaps the greatest collection of mannerisms and facial expressions I've seen in a wrestler. She looks as if she lives up to her name, looking like a mad, blood thirsty oni.
The name of this match, I think, is frustration. Devil is constantly getting worked over by Chigusa, who's wrestling ability is constantly putting Devil on edge, forcing her to find new ways to stymy her offense. Whenever Chigusa seems to get momentum going, Devil is able to stop her before matters get too far out of hand. It feels like for every ten decent moves Chigusa can hit, she gets stopped to a crawl by one solid Devil hit. The middle of this gruesome war involves the two trading back submissions, putting the screws to each others leg, trying to wear each other down, Chigusa likely hoping she can outlast Devil, Devil likely hoping she can bring down Chigusa's offense enough that she can neutralize her.
Despite Devil's best efforts, Chigusa's spirited bursts of offense prolongs the match. Perhaps the best part of this entire affair comes when Chigusa dives onto Devil. Devil, in a moment of sheer “holy shit glory, slowly stalks the apron, stabbing it with a fucking sword, all the while looking like a possessed demon freshly ascended from the depths of hell itself. It's a great visual, and leads to the entire final chapter of the match as both women hit the “fuck it all” switch and go genitals out. At one point, the girls are just so tired of each others shit they begin to straight throw fists at each other with the expertise and professionalism of an urban street fight. Soon after, the two are just trading powerful moes back and forth; strategy is gone, it's about endurance and who can be the last one standing.
The answer? Neither of them. The time limit runs out (or I think neither could answer the ten count) and the match is a draw. Devil is still your champion.
This was a fantastic match; Chigusa is rapidly reaching all-time status for me, and wrestlers of any generation could learn about facial expressions and physical projections of character from watching Devil Masami. This is not women's wrestling, but wrestling among it's very best. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4 (OMEGA MUSCLE!)
Keep in mind I had to trawl some incredibly dirty sites in order to find the full version of this match, as the Classics episode cuts like half of the run time.
WWWA Championship
Jaguar Yokota (c) vs. Lioness Asuka
This time, the other half of the Crush Gals tries to win some singles gold, aiming for the big singles title in the promotion going up against the champion. Big time Asuka chants, big time streamers, and you can't help but wonder if this is Asuka's night to do what Chigusa just couldn't.
Unlike the methodically, almost Southern-paced Chigusa match, this bout starts fast paced, as both wrestlers quickly try to get the upper hand over the other. The middle bridge of the match is slowed down by extensive leg work by both parties, though it seems to be more effective coming from Asuka. In a great showing of solidarity, Chigusa comes down to support her teammate. There's one particularly heinous sequence of events, as Asuka hits Yokota with a nasty looking running reverse piledriver, before dumping Yokota over the top rope like the proverbial sack of shit.
This match, by the way, is incredible, and it just refuses to let up as it goes on. There's some fantastic work coming out here; we've known Asuka was great just from watching this show, but here is perhaps Yokota's true potential, looking every bit the champion as she tries to put down the non-stop crippling offense of god damn Asuka, living up to her “Lioness” moniker. Eventually, the knee damage that Asuka had incurred earlier that seemingly did no damage came to roost; Asuka made the mistake of missing a top rope knee drop, damaging her knee, and allowing Yokota to hit a knee clutch cradle back suplex for the battle-earned victory. Great, great fucking match, one of the very best women's matches I've seen, and just a stellar wrestling match in general. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4 (OMEGA MUSCLE!)
Those fucking Crush Gals. Why did we ever let wrestling continue on after they were done?
AJW Classics Episode #8
I hope you really like the Gokuaku Domei
Date: 8/28-1985 (Osaka-jo Hall)
Hair vs. Hair Match
Dump Matsumoto vs. Chigusa Nagayo
Dump comes out with her Army (or she apparently was hiding in a mask? I didn't quite understand what was happening there). Chigusa on Asuka's shoulders. The pre-match is among my favorite parts of these matches, as they are incredibly hyped, with banners swinging and streamers being thrown everywhere. There's a new male ref who looks vaguely Hispanic but seems a lot more forceful than Crane or, of course, Shiro. Dump has an early advantage, over powering Chigusa and using chains to throttle her and scissors to stab her, rendering Chigusa into the bloodiest of messes. Chigusa does hit a sort of “fuck this shit” mentality, pasting Dump with metal bins. A table is introduced and then a chair, which leads to Chigusa being unable to answer a ten count. Chigusa loses the match and, eventually, her hair. Asuka assaults the ref, who eventually helps the Army shave off Chigusa's head. This is extremely emotional, with the young girls in the audience drowning themselves in tears.
The match itself was fine, one of Dump's bests which doesn't say but so much. I was led to believe that this was a legendary match, and while it's a good brawl with some great story telling, it never stood to reach the heights already set forth by this show. Honestly, so much of it was a typical Dump match, and I kind of cannot believe the whole Gokuaku Domei stuff is still going on, and I say that as someone who never watched the show week to week. I was hoping the Crane story would be the end of it, as I could only tolerate but so much of the same match format of weapons, over powering, and cheating. It's effective in its story telling, I'll give it that. MUSCLE RATING: *** 3/4
Here is some more historical context from the “WrestlingwithWords” forums, where I've been watching the series and getting a lot of great supplemental material:
“Here is some backstory in the aftermath of this match according to Ohtani's Jacket of PWO.
AJW used to be shown on Sunday evenings during the 80s & apparently the ending to the first Chigusa/Dump hair match was so graphic and so cruel that AJW was taken off the air in many parts of the country. As a result, the postmatch from this match wasn't shown on TV, at least not everywhere. Funnily enough, this was kinda the end for the Dump gimmick. The next era in AJW were the Lioness/Chigusa/Omori years.
Okay, for anybody else who watches, keep in mind that it was really a huge upset. y a huge upset. Most people would have picked Chigusa to prevail in a close fought bout, but it wasn't even close really. Dump steamrolled her and the loss sent shockwaves through the audience at home.”
Date: 10/10-1985 (Korakuen Hall)
Tag League the Best 1985 Semi-Final Match
Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano vs. Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki
There's little to say about this match other than I was surprised at how the Jumping Bomb Angels got mostly crushed by the steam rolling Gokuaku Domei. It really outlines their power structure. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Apparently, there's a longer version where you see the JBA get more offense.
Tag League the Best 1985 Final Match
Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano vs. Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka
A shorn hair Chigusa and her fiery partner Asuka take on Dump's Army, who've all been hidden in masks, looking like a Japanese gang that require the Seven Samurai to dispense with. The usual Dump antics here, with Chigusa being viciously beaten. Bull Nakano is awesome in her early stages, whipping out nunchucks with reckless abandon. Gokuaku Domei win again. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
AJW Classics Episode #9
Date: 12/12/85 (Ota Ward Gymnasium)
Rookie Tournament Final
Hisako Uno vs. Akemi Sakamoto
Research brought up just about nothing on Akemi. I originally had wondered what was so important about this rookie's final, until I looked up Hisako Uno.
Hisako Uno eventually becomes Akira fucking Hokuto.
Strap the fuck in, lads and lasses.
I would be shocked if Akemi never had any sort of interactions with the Gokuaku Domei; she's a burly woman with bleached blonde hair and makeup, she's veritably a Dump clone already. Hisako looks utterly different from her future self; with her beach going outfit and puffy, shortish black hair, the future Akira Hokuto looks more like a Lioness Asuka cosplayer.
(It seems Hisako started the Bull Nakano fan club, and joined AJW after quitting college.)
The match is not totally noteworthy, instead being an anticlimactic five minute or so bout; Hisako is quick and armed with dropkicks, Akemi is power. Akemi eventually gets the win, and there's a reward ceremony immediately following. ANOTHER heavy set, bleach blonde girl joins in to receive awards – I assume third place? – and the crowd massively supports Hisako. This match is more historical footnote rather than essential viewing, but it's always fun to see future legends in their early years.
AJW Championship
Bull Nakano (c) vs. Yumi Ogura
It seems that AJW had something like ten billion freaking belts.
See, there's the World Wide Women's Association; those had, from what I could tell, the more major titles including the ones held by Jaguar and the secondary one held be Devil Masami. There were about five or six titles associated with the WWWA, which seemed to be like a kind of NWA for women's wrestling.
Meanwhile, there's the AJW titles, of which there are about four or five. Some of their other titles included titles specifically for minis and for men. Near as I can tell, the AJW belts were, at the time at least, considered secondary to the WWWA belts. Our young, murderous Bull Nakano is seemingly the AJW champ here, which appeared to be equivalent to a secondary title, maybe just at or below the title held by Masami.
Bull already looks so far along in her young years, adorned in leather and black bandanas, with that wild hair which would become her trademark. Yumi looks much like the rest of the smaller women; research yielded little about her, other than the fact that, at one point, she becomes known as “Hyper Cat.”
The match starts in fairly typical fashion, as Bull tries to overpower Yumi. Eventually, you're reminded that this is a Dump's Army match, and Bull acquires some 'chucks, even giving out a German suplex using the weapons. She also delivers a nineties All Japan style backdrop, winning the match soon after. I wouldn't be surprised if this was clipped. Likely, this was put on here to show the young Bull as a champion.
Jumbo Hori Retirement Match
Jumbo Hori vs. Yukari Omori
DYNAMITE GIRLS EXPLODE
It seems Hori is done, likely getting aged out by the silly system in place at the time. It figures that there would be no better opponent than her old partner. The two were fantastic as a team, less so in singles. This match is actually one of their better singles outings, as Hori has something to prove in her closing stretch. There's some quality transitions going on during this match, as the two were a bit more technical than I likely gave them credit for. The match never really goes anywhere as the time limit is hit; I suppose AJW retirement matches were more ceremony than competitive. Jumbo gets a lone spotlight on her, and the whole thing feels like she's getting shipped off to The Island, which I likely said about Mimi back when. Tears, speeches, multi-bell salutes.
WWWA Championship & All Pacific Championship
Devil Masami (AP) vs. Dump Matsumoto (WWWA)
If my sleuthing has in any way been effective then the story is this: Jaguar Yokota is gone. She suffered a shoulder injury that forced her into an early retirement, requiring her to vacate the title. Devil is still the AP champion, and is now in this match against Dump, who seeks to gain control of the scene by being the top star. This seems like a unification match.
Devil Masami spends the entire match climbing an uphill battle, as Dump throws her bulk around while using, naturally, weapons, included bottles and shiv like devices. That's really the story of the match: Devil trying to come back against a Dump sized deficit. In a nice bit of poetry, some of the other non-Domei wrestlers help topple Dump from the top rope, allowing Devil to secure the pinfall.
Devil is awarded both belts and, in yet another emotional moment, the recently retired Jaguar emerges from the crowd, her arm still in a sling. Devil bawls at this point, as she holds the titles, the trophies, and is surrounded by a beaming Jaguar, the Crush Gals, and a throng of applauding onlookers. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Flex Muscle #17: Muscle in the Bank. With Dominion, MITB, etc.
[10,712 words}
Money in the Bank 2016
I got to my friend's house somewhat late, and subsequently missed both pre-show matches. One of them was Lucha Dragon's vs. the Dudleyz, the other one was Golden Truth defeating FaBreeze by slapping their peeling, red-skinned bodies, which they obtained by a tanning bed mishap earlier. I have to say, using chops on foes with burnt flesh is one of the better chunks of ring psychology I've seen in awhile. I've got a good feeling I didn't miss much; I likely will never know.
It made a grand, utilitarian sense to begin the show featuring two of your more popular tag teams, sure. Half of The Club are pretty decent (and for all of my Gallows dislike, he had upped his game somewhat, but...). I'm a decided heaving troglodytic fan of the Vaudevillians, so there seemed to be little worry that this match would be anything but a fun opener. And it was, mostly. Mostly.
Once, there was a dance show I worked on in a backstage capacity. The final number featured the fifty million kids setting up school desks, as they were recreating a song from the School of Rock musical. Three by three arrangement, nine desk. A little blonde girl had set up the desk in the middle, but she did so incorrectly, pointing the slot that one would use for books and supplies towards the audience instead of towards her. The kids started dancing on the desks and I stood in the wings, helpless, as the shoddy desk in the middle teetered on three, and sometimes two legs. Thankfully, that segment of the dance was over, and I breathed easy. That was until the kids arranged all of the desks in a line upstage. I knew, then, disaster was coming in the form of an poorly thought out stunt. Indeed, just as the finale crested a kid who had been mock playing a guitar ran across the desks. His foot hit the middle desk – the doomed desk – and both kid and desk fell over. In a CZW worthy spot, the desk hit the ground first and the kid landed hard, his side colliding into the desks side. Limbs and guitar were thrown everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if the footage shows up on one of those “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME” PSA's that the WWE likes to put out, with JR yelling about how do you fall off a four foot desk.
What I mean to say is that the parallels are there: nine desks, nine competitors (if you count Woods) and one centerpiece for disaster. And that desk, that disaster, was Luke Gallows.
Gallows failed to break up a pin in time, allowing for a definitive, visual pin fall that all parties had to ignore. Afterward, the match went to tatters, and the whole thing was brutal like watching a nature documentary with a baby deer surrounded by several starved hyenas. Enzo botched, the pacing felt off. The match felt like a poorly constructed Ikea shelf where you wonder “what do these screws do?” just as the whole thing topples. More mis-communication led to Gallows being unable to think of a way to save his partner from Big E, which consisted of Luke standing there, frozen and unsure. Eventually, mercifully, the match ended and New Day retained.
I personally blame Luke Gallows for the misfiring that would occur throughout the rest of the under card. A potentially entertaining match that fell right the hell apart. MUSCLE RATING: **
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin
I won't blame Gallows for this. This match was its own misfiring.
Look, Corbin looked comparatively better than usual in this match, though for perspective it's like giving props to Jason Voorhees for going exactly three seconds without skewering a teen or giving a pt on the back to Zack Snyder for daring to have thirty seconds of a movie that's not just straight used-diaper trash.
The match was slow and mostly agonizing. It was like watching a prolonged death. The match felt like an eternity and some infinite horizon beyond even that. It's not the worst match ever made, but give Corbin a few months and he'll make sure to not disappoint. MUSCLE RATING: **
Charlotte and Dana Brooks vs. Becky Lynch and Natalya
My interest in this match was directly proportional to the amount of effort they've put into the women's revolution in recent weeks; hence, the listlessness as I struggle to find words to give any weight to this review.
It was killed time, was what this match was, though the audience did seem more into Becky and Nattie than I had suspected they would. They did try, which was nice to see, though the Gallows botch dust choked up the wrestlers in this match, as there was a point where Nattie – mere centimeters away from tagging out – had to feign some imaginary struggle, as none of the evil blonde women on the other team could figure what they were supposed to do.
More mis-communication (this time story driven, not Gallows inspired) allowed the evil lady folks to win. After, Natalya turns on Becky, because blondes, amirite? Becky continues her push into being she-Sting, through I stress to mention that she is receiving endless karmic snap back for turning on Bayley (BAYLEY) back in NXT.
If even time blah blah blah, a Becky/Natalya program could be a nice salve on this gaping revolution wound. Charlotte presumably moves on. I'm a Brooks guy, but she really should still be in NXT. MUSCLE RATING: **
Apollo Crews vs. Sheamus
My eyes are closed shut in frustration as I scratch my forehead, muttering “Jesus” under my breath, because I cannot remember that this match was ever even a thing. Eventually, I just had to re-watch the damn thing.
Hard to imagine I would get to a point where I would be throwing a “Jesus” at a Uhaa Nation match.
The match itself was heat-less to the point of being all-consumingly entropic. There might have been, in its booking, in its structure, some vaporous potential of something worthwhile coming from it, but like a neglected infant, it perished a stillborn, garnering no heat from a crowd that had no reason to care. There may not be a drawing board big enough for them to go back to regarding Apollo Crews. Crews wins, which was a useless thing to type as nothing here mattered anywhere to anyone.
And, so far, it might be the best match on the show. I'm blaming Gallows for this as well. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
AJ Styles vs. John Cena
Fucking finally.
It's a mite bit silly but not at all surprising that they would build this up as some dream match that had been talked about worldwide, when I think the closest possibility of such thoughts came from an errant PWI magazine cover. Still, Cena had finally gotten gud in the last few years, and Styles has been a god tier wrestler for years at this point.
That said, I thought there was a not insignificant, say, misalignment with this match. Whether due to ring rust, booking, or some other factor I hadn't considered, Cena seemed off for nearly the entire match, like a strange taste in what would normally be comfortable meat. I've never been the biggest Cena fan, and I think for various reasons (booking, mainly) his “Big Match” era from last year was somewhat overrated, but even I had eventually accepted that Cena's chances of having a decent to great match independent of a far superior opponent had greatly increased in the last few years. That all being said, this, to me, was – as has been the case for his last several PPV matches – the Styles show.
There was an interesting story brewing as the match went on, as Styles had a cocky, surefire answer to nearly everything that Cena tried to offer. Styles would deftly escape Cena's attempt at offense, and continually counter Cena at nearly every point. Cena – again, some degree because of booking, but possibly also due to personal wear – looked lost more than a few times as he tried to find a way to stop Styles.
I thought the match took longer than expected for it to uptick, though when it did it was still Styles taking command, achieving that rare task of actually being able to look good against Cena. Like Aries/Nakamura to an extent, the match finally became in its closing stretch what it should have been from nearly the start – though I grant you that early chunk of time showing Styles outmatch Cena was important to the story.
A predictable crap finish diminishes the impact of this match, as a ref botch leads to The Club putting Cena down, allowing Styles to win. Yet another match on this card that Gallows somehow ruined.
Likely, we will go the Cena route of getting his win back and then winning the whole series, because that's just how Cena booking works midway through the 2010's. What could be interesting would be the idea that Cena, for whatever reason, just cannot beat Styles, and you could have a narrative of Cena chasing that elusive win over him. You could even involve the Draft; separate Styles and Cena, and have Cena just annoyed at all turns that he still could not beat Styles, eventually leading to him forcing himself on Styles' show to try and take him down.
I enjoyed the match more on a re-watch. The crowd was invested and the match finally found its bearing, though a clunky, Gallows-like middle and a terrible, Gallows-like run-in marred the bout. MUSCLE RATING: ****
Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn vs. Chris Jericho vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
I've been down on the ladder match idea in recent months, but that aside I cannot help but feel that this was one of the most entertaining matches of its kind that I've seen in recent years.
The action, for most of it, was non stop, as these sentinels of one of the best mid-cards that wrestling has ever seen were able to put together something that sparked a little of my olden joy for these sort of matches. Everyone got to shine – especially Cesaro and Del Rio. Cesaro will likely be one of the greatest superstars that the company was too foolish to get behind, while Del Rio likely had his best performance since the start of his second, disappointing, dry, post Lucha Underground run in the WWE, so much so that even the fans got into him, though that tends to happen in these kind of matches.
There were one or two nice little stories here, like Jericho hating Ambrose for the thumbtacks and the perpetual Owens and Zayn feud, as they once again canceled each other out in a multi-man setting. My favorite spot had to be Cesaro leaping from the ladder to the ropes to deliver his springboard European uppercut to Owens.
The match is nearly plunged into the Gallow depths near the end. Committing one of the few instances of Shitty Ladder Match Logic in this match, Del Rio takes forever to construct a ladder bridge, which becomes the centerpiece for the entire final act. It slowed down what was otherwise a frantic match, but it was fine once everyone got into position, like trying to arrange an a large family so you can take a picture. The match goes on perhaps a tad too long from there.
Dean Ambrose finally wins the match, leading to immediate speculation of A) a SHIELD triple threat and B) when was he going to lose his cash-in. Come what may, this surely must be a contender for being one of the better ladder matches in recent WWE history. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
The whole match was Gallows'd. Not that it was a botch convention or anything, but it was just a junk match.
Apparently, they put this match here as fodder for the ending of the NBA Finals game seven. Fodder or not, this match was destined to die on the field, alone and anonymous, with nary a soul to care for the wretched thing. Rusev has still rarely sold me as a rated wrestler save for a spike here or there, and Titus sure seems like a nice dad.
Rusev trolling Titus' kids in the crowd afterward was pretty funny, I guess. MUSCLE RATING: *3/4
Fun fact: I think I actually liked this match more than most people.
The match, like others on this card, had a rather laborious start. Reigns' offensive control segment over Rollins was exhausting to watch, like he got infected with some of that Triple H WrestleMania Main Event Style.
What's weird is that the match seems entirely constructed as an underdog face versus powerful heel type match, only the heel Rollins is playing the face. He had the comeback offense, the (foregone) crowd support, the dynamic offense. Reigns worked more slowly, and carried himself as a heel shitbag, which many agree is more his natural calling.
Reigns, again, was the least in his match, as Rollins flew all over and sold nearly every hit like he was getting taken out by Vasily Zaytsev. Reigns did his splash mountain powerbomb, which is likely to be his new response move to “you can't wrestle” chants, much like the fisherman suplex was for Cena back at One Night Stand '05 and, later, his arbitrary springboard stunner.
A ref bump nearly seals the deal, until Rollins becomes the first person in – ever? – to mostly kick out of the spear cleanly. It was a long count by an injured ref, but it was still shocking. There was the incredible pedigree/spear counter, though it's mostly agreed that that should have ended the match. Instead, Reigns had to take another pedigree before going down, leading to one of the biggest surprises as Rollins – to mass cheers – beats Reigns and regains the title that he never lost.
This was all Rollins, like how it had been mostly Styles and Brock and Bryan before him. Rollins appeared to be the returning hero here, getting his righteous prize, earned for all of his hard work and sacrifice in getting back to the ring. Not as good as either Styles/Cena or the ladder match, but it at least I had a minimum of Gallows influence, unlike a good smattering of the rest of the card. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
Oh right. Ambrose cashes in, attacks Rollins from behind, and is now the new champion.
I have to say, that was the biggest and most pleasant surprise of the night. It's strange booking considering how awfully they've handled certain elements of Ambrose's character, but for once it's eccentric WWE booking that yields a net positive for the fans. It's nice seeing someone like Ambrose, whom I've followed since his Moxley days, work through the white noise and get to the top. I'm not willing to dampen my high just yet by thinking about the odds that this will be a short title run or that this will likely only ever be his only reign. This is the first WWE PPV in quite some time that ended the way fans wanted it to.
The under card was mostly forgettable offal. Stick to the big three of the MITB match, Styles/Cena, and the main event and spend the rest of the time watching an NXT TakeOver special instead. Preferably Dallas. Or Brooklyn. But really, anyone. Even Unstoppable, which might be the most forgettable TakeOver they've ever had.
Muscle Match of the Night: MITB Ladder Match
Flabby Match of the Night: God, I guess Rusev/Titus. There's a lot of gristle in this thing.
You Cursed Us All! Award: Fucking Luke Gallows.
Best SHIELD Member Award: Dean Ambrose
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA Award: Roman Reigns and his hot piss
STING Award in Excellence in Having Betraying Tag Partners: Becky Lynch
Falling Apart Harder Than the EU Award: That fucking four team tag match. Christ.
Father's Day Award: Rusev
Seth Rollins Award for Being Seth Rollins: Dean Ambrose
NXT 06/22/2016
This week we get the first ever re-debut debut of the man formerly known as Biff Busick, and then formerly known as Chris Gerard, but now mostly formally known as Oney Lorcan. I am told this is an Irish name, but I am not yet convinced that he does not moonlight at the Mos Eisley Cantina.
Lorcan takes on Tye Dillenger. Lorcan is a bit of a goblin-y looking fellow, like it wouldn't take too much makeup to put him in as a World of Warcraft character. I am sure I mostly mean this complimentary.
The two of them have a pretty okay TV match, with Lorcan showing about as much of his hard hitting offense as he has ever shown so far on NXT. Tye's crowd support is unreal, but a ten-man with shaken confidence and confusion by the “ten” counts while he's punching Lorcan in the corner, leads to a Lorcan win. I just like saying Lorcan. Big fan of Lorcan's heavy hitting offense, though I can but wonder at what Tye's story is from here. MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
Austin Aries, the Greatest Man That Ever Lived, also happens to be the most humble man that ever lived as he compares himself to Ali. Before he can really get going on how he's going to win the title and how the shooting in Sandy Hook was really an illusory setup by the US government hash tag ask questions, the dancing sensation and huge detractor of Gerard Way, No Way Jose, enters and tells Aries to lighten up, and that maybe he should get off Twitter for a bit when he's talking smack about transgendered folks, you know?
Not all of this might have happened.
NWJ takes on Josh Woods, a man I am pretty sure thought he was entering into an MMA arena. If he believed in shirts, I would have no doubt that they would all be TAP OUT and AFFLICTION apparel. It's a quick squash for the latest flavor of the week. Aries comes out and actually agrees with NWJ (about being positive, he still thinks that 9/11 was an inside job). Before he can leave, NWJ invites him back. Because NXT is still a part of the WWE, there's the obligatory dance segment which, to Aries' credit, he gets totally into and actually makes it somewhat entertaining for once.
As we all know, a mostly-heel having a lighthearted moment with a complete face is akin to those videos where you see deer playing around with horrific predators, and you just wonder what happened right after the footage stopped. The NWJ/Aries dance along goes on for so long it almost made you doubt that there was even a turn; but, as was always destined to happen – like the truth coming out about the Columbine massacre – Aries attacked NWJ, making Aries my second favorite wrestler I really like who has terrible opinions behind AJ Styles.
The most believable thing in wrestling is that Bayley hangs out around Full Sail in her wrestling gear, ready to challenge people to a friendly match. Bayley gets cleared to return, and she does so immediately.
Regal reveals to the cameras that are just camping out in the boardroom that he is making Balor/Nakamura a reality in three weeks. Buddy Murphy of the post-apocalyptic Australian Murphys, comes in demanding a match; he's a heel, so it means he hasn't actually earned anything high profile. Regal grants the give of Nakamura, the most painful gift. Nakamura's weekly Nakamurean English: “The King of Strong Style grants your request...mate.”
Bayley returns! She takes on perpetual she-jobber Deona Purrazo (spelling?) who just needs to get handed a damn contract already. It's a squash match, but you cannot tell me it's not fun to see Bayley out there again. Expect her insinuation into the women's title hunt again, but soon. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Carmella interview, and it feels like they are trying to do the Lucha Underground vignette segues, which will never work without Lucha Thugs. Before she can really get her point across, Alexa Bliss shows up and runs down Carmella, saying that she's sad because Enzo and Cass are actually being useful. Carmella gets angry. Alexa's character is great, and wrestling wise she's getting better, but I can't help but think there are better wrestling choices waiting in the wings. Regardless, Bliss is really coming along, as is Carmella; both are speaking volumes about the usefulness of the Performance Center and their individual dedication to improving.
There's an awesome recap of Nia Jax vs. Asuka from The End – I cannot help, however, but feel that they needed time filler. That said, it was a well put together little match, and really put over the effectiveness of both girls.
American Alpha return next week! They've been eating protein ice cream and re-watching Foxcatcher since losing the tag titles, I bet.
Nia Jax squashes Liv Morgan. Morgan looks quite good, and I think she has one of the greater vats of potential among the new crop of women. She got in some nice little offense before Nia Jax remembers that Liv weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of two gnats on a diet. Jax wins with a powerbomb, and I like it. You don't see a lot of power moves from women wrestlers, and with her size versus the size of most of the women, it's believable as something heinous. Plus, it reminds me of the Final Powerbomb move that Andre the Giant had in one-of-the-greatest-games-ever-made, WWF No Mercy.
Nakamura kicks the crap out of Buddy Murphy. MUSCLE RATING: MUSCLE SQUASHED
Nak/Balor should be good. Notice that it's supposedly airing on NXT TV. This either equates to something with the Brooklyn show or, more likely, the looming WWE Draft. I'd wager
NXT 06/29/16
It's NXT time! We fight on Wendesday night, Maggle, because of our tragic upbringing and poor social skills! The End continues to begin, I guess!
Alexa Bliss and Cameron are women of their words and, following up on last week's talk, they are having a match!
It's not a bad little tussle by the way, which is likely not what I would have said about a year ago. Carmella seems to be improving by the second (granted, she still has hours to go) and Bliss is doing some great heel work in her movements and mannerisms, which at this point is preaching to the choir. I do wish that Bliss would chokeslam someone sometime, even if she is roughly thirty percent the height of a dwarf hobbit. Bliss wins, and I get that they have more stock in Bliss currently than Carmella. I will say that some people saying Bliss is the best wrestler in NXT outside of Asuka and Bayley might be a bit overstating her in-ring ability, but she, too, is more fun to watch than she had been before, and if the work catches up with the persona I think we might have a stew going, as it were. Carmella had some nice babyface flame as well. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
In the building hype towards what very well could be the biggest TV match that NXT has had in the post TakeOver era, we get a Nakamura interview addressing his eventual match with Balor. Nak, by the way, has surprisingly decent English. It's not all the way there but then how many languages do I know? Zero. I have no grasp of the English language and I randomly say and write things and, so far, no one has been able to figure out I'm a fraud, which is ojdsonsdpvopoawN Pe30hg-dgn
Nak always looks like he's going to pass out, like even he can barely handle how great he is.
Bayley interview, and we are stringing these things together like it's LU. She's excited that she can wrestle again, until the smallest villain this side of Plankton arrives and says that Bayley doesn't deserve a shot. She says that Bayley has to get through her. I'm not a booking man, but this seems like a fight's a -brewing.
Noah Kekoa, or whatever his name was, return! This time he's Noah...Poejit? I'll work on that name for next time. He really does look like the kind of jobber you would see in NXT circa 2012, but for some reason I'm rooting for the odd shaped man. He takes on Adrien Almas. Nothing really special about the match, just another Almas squash with his meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh finisher. It also seemed Almas was getting a negative reaction from people still sour that he trounced Tye. This Almas thing is having a rocky start. Unfortunate. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Aries interview! He has a good heel promo (Aries is just a natural heel) blaming the audience for not respecting him and saying it's their fault he attacked Jose. Aries states, correctly, that we should be happy that we're able to see him wrestle.
Balor interview! Are we sure this ain't LU? Nothing to add on here, as Balor says pretty much the same things that Nak said, only with an Irish accent. Stuff about how they're family, brothers, etc.
Tommny of Ciampa and Gargano battle the Hype Bros of Zack Ryder, Mojo Rawley, and Mojo's hideous Toxic Avengers boots. I have to say, watching Gargano and Ciampa having to see for the dag nasty offense of Mojo Rawley is the biggest heel antic that NXT has ever pulled, and Rawley's continued existence baffles and irritates. Ryder takes the pin, which you know is bad if Mojo is more protected than you are. It got decent by the end, and there's not much to say from that except Ciampa and Gargano are some talented bastards. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
Gargano curs a promo, demanding a title shot. American Alpha arrive. They say THEY are next because they need a rematch. The Revival show up. They say they are in charge, and they don't think anyone deserves a shot. Then god damn Regal shows up. Then My mom. My dad. Then I show up, sorry for the stains on my shirt. Then my brother, my friends from Catholic school, this girl I used to date, it gets crazy. Regal assumes order and says that, next week, American Alpha will take on The Revival for the belts in a two-out-of-three falls match and now I['m all overly excited and erect nipples and shit and god dammit Regal.
The Authors of Pain attack the AA, where Jordan proceeds to give one dude one of the largest earth cracking suplexes I've ever seen. Gargano and Ciampa run in but fail to rescue AA. Authors of Pain stand tall. END.
Lucha Underground 06/22/16 Fame and Fortune
HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER.
LU is fun with all of the random dudes and muscle dudettes they bring in. It reminds me, a bit, of the old days of WCW and ECW, when you'd always find some new wrestler appearing out of nowhere, and with them the distinct possibility they may become a new favorite.
In Dario's office, a wrestler with an intense looking jaguar mask is shown. He has an insanely deep voice, and I'm glad to see that LU is keeping the voice modulation industry afloat. His name seems to be Night Claw, which makes me think he was a fan of nineties IMAGE comics and the Amalgam crossovers. Dario already likes Night Claw, the likely cousin to Armor King, and grants him a medallion right out of the gate, sight unseen. Dario proceeds to warn the Claw about how the jaguar tribe were all wiped out due to arrogance.
(It seems Night Claw is actually Flamita, which is incredible because Flamita is insanely talented. If you get the chance, read up on why he left Mexico. It's...wrestling.)
It's Daga vs. Mascarita Sagrada. Famous B gets on the mic to introduce his diminutive client, all while Kobra Moon stalks in the rafters with promises of sexual assault against the as of yet wordless Daga. It's a squash, as one has come to expect from a Sagrada-post-Famous-B match, though Brenda is adorable in her squeakily cheering on her guy's client. Daga receives the snake medallion, and it appears this episode is going to be medallion infused as we prepare for Ultima Lucha Dos to crest the horizon. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
After the match, Famous B helps up Sagrada before proceeding to, as my notes say, “kick the shit out of Mascarita then whoops him with shoe.” Instant discord in the crowd. The newly turned B tells Brenda to get his shoe. Famous B announces he will get new, preferably non-terrible clients.
Back in Dario's office, AKA the room where it happens, Dragon Azteka Jr. is speaking with the man. Dario says Matanza didn't kill his mentor, then proceeds to completely blow up Black Lotus' spot and saying she kill him! (which is actually true). Dario tells DAJ to battle Black Lotus at Ultima Lucha Dos. This is like the shit stirring that McMahon does, only it's not real life and far less reprehensible.
A trios match takes the stand. In this match, the winning team all receive medallions. It's Castro, Cisco, and Joey Ryan taking on Killshot, Sinestro, and Marty the Moth, in what is already vintage Dario Fuckery. Marty tells Killshot that they have to be partners, and to show how much he means it he gives Killshot back his dog tags, a rare case of a wrestler deescalating a feud before things got truly hairy. Good on you, Moth monster man.
The match is pretty damn decent, with Cisco of all people being the star here; he gets the largest reaction, and suitably he's the most impressive in the entire match, which is strange for me to say. You get Joey Ryan Iron Wang action. Joey Ryan's shenanigans upend the team, allowing Cisco to get the win and the team of turncoats and undercover cops to lose a chance at the medallions. Post match, Marty steals back the dog tags, reigniting the feud with Killshot! I thought you were an upstanding young man, Moth! I trusted you! MUSCLE RATING: ***
Another tag match as the medallions are still warm from the last time they did the medallion angle. That's not a complaint, by the way; the medallions allow more random, low card matches to have more weight to them, and it allows for all kinds of avenues for Dario Fuckery. This time, speaking of DF, Taya and Ivelisse take on friends forever Mariposa and Sexy Star. I feel like this is the first time that Mariposa and Star have been seen since their great No Mas match weeks ago. Parajes incredibles. This is another watchable bout with the best women in LU's employ. There's plenty of angle building interactions, topped off with Ivelisse sucking on a stray spear from Taya, allowing Mariposa and Star to ge into the next seven way match for the Gift of the Gods. You know those two will have issues there, while this match did a fine job of progressing the GotG match as well as the Taya/Ivelisse rivalry. That's a lot of good story telling at once.
Prince Puma comes out for a promo which is something unheard of to those stuck in a season one time loop. He lays down his need to prove he's the best, and to prove he's the best he has to beat the best and calls out Rey Mysterio. Rey comes out and says that while Puma is a prince, he is El Rey, and we all admire Rey's understanding of the intricate workings of a monarchy form of government. Rey accepts the challenge. Ultimate Lucha Dos. Rey Mysterio. Versus. Prince Puma.
I'm kind of really excited holy shit.
ROH #245
We start this week's episode with a fun and flashy match between Lio Rush and ACH. Lio Rush has done nothing but impress every time he shows up, and it will be criminal if ROH gives him the Credric Alexander or even the ACH treatment. ACH is “having a blast” in the guise of a One Piece loving dude. I welcome Lio Rush to the cadre of ROH super athletic melanin mighties. Rush looked impressive here, but ACH gets the win. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Despite showing athletic black dude solidarity, Silas Young – who had been commentating on ACH's perceived childlike qualities and is also not good on commentary – attacks ACH, I suppose for his perceived immaturity, though it says something that Young thought it prudent to attack a dude from behind. Young clearly has never listened to JBL: “ACH is just having fun, Maggle!”
The Addiction comes out and cuts a promo, which when diluted to its base, heelish components amounts to, “we the best.” MCMG comes out and cuts a promo, which when diluted to its base, douchefaceish components amounts to, “lol you're old.” RPG Vice comes out and cuts a promo, which when diluted to its base, tweenish components amounts to, “what MCMG said.”
TRIPLE THREAT NUMBER ONE CONTENDERS MATCH ALSO LOL YOU OLD.
When Ring of Honor says they have the deepest tag division in wrestling, I actually believe them. WWE has a nice mix, but they all currently serve the needs of New Day and Enzo and Cass. NXT has had some classic tag teams, but they mostly operate in rotations of their top two teams; after American Alpha leaves, who's next? Gargano and Ciampa? TM61? And? New Japan...let's not talk about their tag division right now. ROH has both a decent number and a nice array of talent among their many tag teams. It's not like we're in some nineties AJPW of tag wrestling or anything, but they certainly have the biggest tag roster and the deepest depths of such.
The inevitable triple threat is a quality TV match, though even with all of the action RPG Vice felt, at best, like discarded IKEA parts in this match. Also, and this is an eternal gripe, can we stop having the “beat the champions for a shot at their titles” type of match? MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Roderick Strong cuts a promo in front of a dingy brick wall that looks like a potent combination of those brick walls that no-name comedians perform in front of and the décor of a serial killer's “fun time fuck hovel” basement. Strong talks about Mark Briscoe, with the whole of their feud based around the fact that Strong thinks Mark is the jobber Briscoe. Cole and the Bucks promo in front of the same wall, and I am reminded of PWG promos. To continue the Attitude Era tribute band that is the Bullet Club, Cole uses the old HBK “you make the rules and WE. WILL. BREAK THEM” line.
There airs a segment showing how the BC recruited Hangman Page, and progressed their team gimmick to being “late 1998 NWO.”
Your “ROH guys lose” main event is The Elite of Omega and the Bucks taking on Elgin, Tanahashi, and wrestling remora Yoshitatsu, doing his god awful Triple H infringement gimmick. This is clear NJPW booking; you have five superstars, and Yoshitatsu, who's literal most memorable wrestling moment was getting his neck snapped by Styles. Who do you pin for the fall guy?
To make the whole thing worse by a factor of a thousand exponents, Matt god damn Taven is on commentary, and instantly becomes one of the worst guest commentators I've ever heard. Alex fucking Riley was better to listen to. I'm sitting here, longing for the sweet aural embrace of Matt Striker and Vampiro form Lucha Underground. Who oni booked this? Taven spends the whole time calling Omega and the Bucks nerds and dweebs because they “don't drink” and calls everyone a Melvin, which is language that would have been seen as lame even in the 19goddamn50's. I wish Ring of Honor had budgetary problems whenever Taven wanted to speak, just so they could not afford one more headset to give to the man.
The match itself is a lot of fun. Thanks to New Japan, Ring of Honor has had, for the last couple of years, some of the best, most enjoyable six-man matches around, even competing with the likes of Lucha Underground on that front. This match is no different, as everyone is always moving, there are flips, dives, kicks, and Elgin earning his BIGMIKE moniker. Tanahashi is all superstar, but what else is new?
To everyone's surprise, Yoshitatsu takes the fall. Good stuff, though Taven is as good on commentary as he was as a wrestler, where his match style was “WHY GOD WHY.” As it is written in the stars and etched in the annals of human and creature kind, if you're the Jannety on a team with Micheal fucking Bennet then you are a special and true kind of terrible. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
ROH #246
An inntercutting promo opens the show, as Lethal and Dijak cut ALL CAPS promos at each other. If Lethal wasn't the face before hand I don't see how he's not now, as nearly every face-heating trope is rushing behind him like a Hogan shaped tsunami.
Wait, Lethal's black. Hmm.
Sydal vs. Okada is your first match, and can you imagine a company having 2016 Kazuchika Okada as your lead-in match? In any case, much like what I probably said back during Sydal/Tanahashi in NYC, it's cool getting these singles matchups you would never get in New Japan thanks to their strict weight classes. Sydal has been doing great stuff, and Okada is obviously world class. It's also fun to see Okada deal with someone with a style he's not normally used to dealing with; closest comparisons to Sydal might be, who, Naito or Tanahashi? And even those guys are heavier high flyers. Okada typically only battles juniors in spotty bursts during tag matches. The two have a great little match here, though I would like to see how a longer version would play out. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Silas Young cuts a promo in front of the same murder/comedian/clown wall from last week. He talks about how his son was playing with the ROH coloring book and got to ACH and how Young said ACH wasn't a real man and even the little scab-knee recognized that ACH wasn't a man or SOMETHING this is an odd basis for a feud.
Cabana takes on Page. I will not lie to you. I do not remember this match in the slightest. I might have been drunk and passed out. Which is strange, seeing as how I don't drink at all. Page did try to reenact Birth of a Nation by attempting to hang Cabana, but that doesn't work out.
ANX wants to “make wrestling great again.” Christ, there are legitimately like three or four or five separate gimmicks based around that puss-blooded scum fucker of a flesh-cooked abortion, Donald Trump.
ACH promo in front of murderwall about how it's okay to like video games and animu and tentacle rape hentai and video games and waifu sex pillows and anime and what? No I just said video games and anime nothing else.
Whitmer cuts a promo telling Corino to kiss his family goodbye. There are no Lucha Thugs about. What's the point.
THE HEATED I GUESS RIVALRY OF DIJAK VS. LETHAL.
Fine. This was a really good match. Lethal showed a lot of vengeful, face-like energy assaulting Dijak early. Lethal is a complete goodie here, as he fights an uphill battle in the rain against the menacing Dijak, who still impresses my stupid face despite the fact that I dog him all the time. Dijak makes me feel like what internet people think I'm supposed to feel about Roman Reigns.
There's a great amount of action in this match, a lot of back and forth and sympathetic struggling for dear Lethal. There are some fantastic choke slam and choke slam counters, plus Taeler Hendrix is just an instant plus regardless of the situation. I might have to distract points for Dijak's mind renderingly awful taunt, where he puts his index fingers and points them to his dimples which is the exact thing a nice lady clown would do at a hospital for burned toddlers.
The BC attack, but miss Lethal and level Dijak instead. Lethal uses this to help him win and secure revenge for his fallen ally Truth Martini. I am sure all of that revenge will help pay for his medical bills. The BC continue their attack until the Briscoes interfere. The Briscoes really like holding up other people's shit, so Jay holds up the ROH title to hype up the BATTLE OF THE JAY'S TWO at Best in the World 2016. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
ROH #247
MOOSE.
MOOSE.
MOOSE.
...is playing up his new gimmick of “ROH's Worf” as he is now set to lose to Naito. Mark Briscoe is on commentary and is also the sheer god damn opposite to Matt “Melvin” Taven; Mark is hilarious and useful, and fun to listen to, and does not make me want to pull a Kakihara from the end of Ichi the Killer when he talks. The match itself might be one of Moose's best yet, but what do you expect when you're dealing with LOS! INGOBERNABLES! DE! JAPON! Naito also has a few big beefy no sells during the match. Moose's whole gimmick is like me playing fighting games at home: I play until I think I'm good, then I play online and get the black torn off my hide. Moose was doing well in Ring of Honor, then he decided to go global and find some Japanese players who just stomp him. I feel ya, moose. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
AnotherANXmakewrestlinggreatagainpromo.
Here are my notes for ANX vs. Thunder Burger:
“ANX v thunder burger.
Forum laid tag. Decent.
21/2”
Yeah I think there's nothing else that needs be said here.
Strong comes out to start crap with Mark. Nooooooo but Mark commentary tho.
YOUR MAIN EVENT is the fourth (or third, depending on when this was taped versus when the BOSJ occurred) encounter between KUSHIDA and Kyle O'reilley!
It's humorous for me to say that this is the worst match they've had together, because it obviously is an incredible match. The two go a little slower here, and with less time than their BOSJ and BOSJ 2015 matches, but they still are god damn freakin' KUSHIDA and KO. There's some good work here, some great strikes and submissions and I mean what do you even expect out of these two?
What's great is that this match has the same KO-running-dropkick-to-cross-arm-bar-out-of-mid-air-on-the-outside spot that their superior BOSJ 2016 match had, though people are going to remember the BOSJ version more simply because it was on a more important show in a better match. Whatever the case, you literally cannot go wrong with either of these two doing anything in the confines of a wrestling match. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
AJW Classics Episode #6
Date: 4/2-1985 (Aichi)
WWWA Tag Team Championship - 2/3 Falls Match
Dump Matsumoto & Crane Yu (c) vs. Lioness Asuka & Chigusa Nagayo
It's a match involving the Gokuaku Domei so you know what that means: weapons just aren't encouraged, they're allowed.
There's a bit of temporal finagling, as we go back to a match that took place before Crane Yu had enough of the Army. Still, it was important to have this match included as this match, along with Dump vs. Yu from last episode, are both important pieces of a greater story involving the alteration of the Domei and their feud against the Crush Gals.
Much to my surprise, the first fall is won by Dump and Yu in a surprisingly clean fashion. They overwhelmed the smaller Gals with their malevolent meat girth and eventually claimed the lead in the match. The Gals rally, using their speed and superior technique to get a rapid fire victory.
A kendo stick makes its unbelievable appearance, which itself was a harbinger of greater chaos. Eventually, women from both sides bring the war to the ring, causing Shiro Abe to rule the match a no contest. Women gang up on Abe, in probably the least sexiest version of the events he likely had played out in his mind on many a lonely night. Some fiery post match promos are cut, though their contents will likely be forever loss to me. Not the best match, though it is not without some decent action. More importantly, however, is how this plays a part in the Dump/Crane dissolution and the big match at the end of this episode. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
Date: 5/12-1985 (Mexico)
2/3 Falls Match
Lioness Asuka & Chigusa Nagayo vs. Lola Gonzales & Rosa Maria
In the interim between battles with Gokuaku Domei, the Crush Gals decide to make AJW international as they bring their swimsuited kick pad expertise to Mexico. Here, they challenge some rough and tumble ladies known as Lola Gonzales and Rosa Maria. Lola Gonzales was a big name in Mexico, near as I can tell.
Gonzales and Maria get the jump on the Gals early, for they are smart heels and the Gals are dumb faces. They seem pretty sinister, which makes me wonder if the Gokuaku Domei had a branch in Mexico. Despite a flurry of double team moves, Gals get the first fall. The match quickly descends into a tornado tag and a sloppy one at that, as we get two visual three counts that get disrupted, along with just a slop bucket of moves and execution. A three count finally sticks and the Gals win it in two. Not a fine moment, but it's enjoyable to see the Gals a little out of their element as they take on the world. Surprisingly, they had a lot of support. MUSCLE RATING: **
WWWA Championship - 2/3 Falls Match
Jaguar Yakota vs. Patera Surena
On the same night, WWWA champ Jaguar Yaokta defends her title against Patera Surena. Surena is, fun fact, La Galactica sans hood.
Yakota seemed like she wasn't used to the lucha style; I can't decide if I mean that as an extrinsic critique, an examination of her character, or both. Whatever the case, Surena beats Yakota the first fall. Within (clipped) moments, Surena submits to an utterly anticlimactic figure four leg lock.
The action is sadly toothless, with most of the running line being that Yakota was having a tough time acclimating to the lucha styling of Surena; did she have problems with Galactica back in AJW? The match starts getting decent right around the last fall, including a women's mid-eighties tombstone. The match ends just as it was getting good, as Yakota defends her title with a mean double underhook piledriver. Perhaps editing, perhaps match style, perhaps both, but there were forces at work here that did not want to see this match get any further than a thorough “meh”. MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
Date: 5/16-1985 (Saitama)
WWWA Tag Team Championship - 2/3 Falls Match
Lioness Asuka & Chigusa Nagayo vs. Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano
The we find ourselves here, the end of the road of sorts. I actually do not know historically if this was the end of the Gals/Gokuaku Domei feud, but this is, regardless, an critical corner of their turning. The important matches here include the Gals losing the titles to Dump and Yu back in episode four; the match earlier this episode where, due to the utter bedlam at the finale of their match, the promoters vacated the title, leading to this match; the Dump/Crane falling out from their Fuji Grand Prix singles match the episode prior. You should also watch Lioness Asuka vs. Chigusa; not that it's critical to the match here, but because it's a splendid bout, and serves a nice thematic showing of how, even when facing each other, the Gals remain a team, while the lawless miscreants of Dump's clan act as a roaming band of villainous jackals, unable to even keep cohesion within their own unit.
This is the match to settle the score. Dump has recruited her young protege to best the Gals, Bull Nakano, a vital member of the Gokuaku Domei. Shiro Abe is reffing here, but in a glorious twist Crane Yu retired – and became a referee. For the sake of fairness and levity, the promoters but Yu in as ref to even the score. Vengeful Crane Yu ref was just one of a thousand matches in this flame pit of a match.
The sides get their respective adulation and disgusted reactions from the crowd. In a flurry, Chigusa gets the first fall with a Japanese rolling clutch. In what instantly became one of my favorite moments of the match, Bull Nakano was soon after handed a pair of nunchucks which she displays a Drago-level of skill and aptitude with. To wit, Asuka hands Chigusa a motherfucking steel chair. For future reference, chair beats chucks. The scene was like some recreation of the Raiders of the Lost Ark sword fighting scene.
The match reaches deep into the chaos trenches, as is wont to occur when Dump shows up. Crane tries desperately to enforce the rules, but is constantly battered by the Army and Abe. Eventually, a succession of double team moves ties up the match one to one. From here on out, just imagine a shortened version of my review being the “there was a firefight!” scene from Boondock Saints, complete with cathedral-esque music and whatever the hell Willem Dafoe was doing.
Various non-army women are attacking Abe, while a chain is wrapped around Chigusa's foot. There are pipes and chains and kendo sticks used with all the decency of a sports-fueled city wide riot, only with less decorum. Nakano and Abe went on to continue attacking Yu; at one point, the Gals get a double submission going, until Abe himself breaks the attempts up. How does he still have a job? Yu gets mauled by Dump; as this happens, Nakano gets somewhere south of murdered by the Gals, who double team her so viciously you need a Brazzers logo to put on the screen. They finally get the pinfall on Nakano, except Dump is holding Yu outside of the ring. In one of the greatest match endings ever, Yu dishes out a personal fuck you to Dump and her asshat army by counting the pin on the apron, as Dump is yelling and trying desperately from doing her job. Dump fails. Three seconds later, the Gals are once again the rightful champions. Dump's gang is soundly defeated, Yu gets a measure of vengeance for hos the Grand Prix match played out, and the Gals get to dump on Dump and get their titles back. This is a motherfucking wrestling pay off, folks, this is how you end an angle. Chaos reigns, and so do the Gals. MUSCLE RATING: ****
NJPW
Dominion 6.19 in Osaka-Jo Hall
Daisan Sedai Trio (Hiroyoshi Tenzan, Manabu Nakanishi and Satoshi Kojima) vs. Dojo Boys (David Finlay, Jay White and Juice Robinson)
Not much going on here. Jay White, perhaps the best Young Lion in this post Yohei/Tanaka world, took charge of his team, leading them to some early offense before the Trio get the inevitable win, as Tenzan made White submit to the Anaconda Vice.
White gave a stirring promo in Japanese (it seemed stirring) as he leaves for his excursion, not to be seen for another year or so. People seemed really, genuinely heartfelt about his leaving, and if he keeps at this pace he could very well be a complete star in the future. Decent, if unremarkable match. MUSCLE RATING: **
The Bullet Club of Bad Luck Fale, Hangman Page, and Yujiro Takahashi vs. Captain New Japan, Togi Makabe, and Yoshitatsu
This match was supposed to showcase the new BC member, Page. It did, in that it showed why I should continue to disregard his presence, accepting his being in NJPW as inexplicable and dread-inducing. For all of his faults, the rest of the competitors fare no better, with Yoshitatsu's “Triple H Tribute” gimmick particularly inducing groans. Not good, but then no one in this match is save for Makabe, and he tends to need help. MUSCLE RATING: *3/4
Chaos of Tomohiro Ishii and Yoshi-Hashi vs. Los Ingobernables de Japon of BUSHI and SANADA
An engaging tag match. No surprise, as there's a lot of talent between the two teams. Nothing that sets the world afire, but there are two stories running together here.
The first is the continuing feud between SANADA and Yoshi, as Yoshi REALLY has it out for SANADA. Yoshi has been showing a great amount of aggression recently, and it looks that this feud could be the test for perhaps a greater, grander run. Yoshi's pugilism pays off as he not only gets the win for his team – subverting his typical purpose of being the mat meat for his team – he does so at the submission expense of SANADA. It will be fun to see how that manner progresses, assuming it does.
The other story is that LIJ suffer their first loss on the show, perhaps foretelling the further events of the night. That continuing result comes next. As it was, this was a fair match, with the nice interplay of Yoshi trying to cut down SANADA and BUSHI bouncing off of Ishii. MUSCLE RATING: ***
EVIL vs. Hirooki Goto
The second of three CHAOS/LIJ matches of the evening.
Where was this Goto when he needed to show up for his big Okada matches earlier this year? Goto was fantastic here, showing off an intensity that has been seemingly sapped out of him by monsters that sup on one's potential, like the Weeping Angels.
EVIL is great here as well, as he has shown some improvement since his re-debut. The two of them had a nice sprint of a hoss match here, as these two hated enemies from two hated sides clashed into one another to try and take the other down first. This could have had the chance to be rated even higher were it longer, but these two were able to pack a lot of aggression into a seven minute match. LIJ loses again, boding ill tidings for Naito in the main. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Four-Way Tag Team Elimination Match for the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship
This match didn't disappoint; expectations were low, and what was delivered was about that.
There are some supremely talented individuals in the cruiserweight division, so it's a shame to see a bulk of them continuously thrown onto the multi-tag ferris wheel that dictates NJPW junior booking. We've seen nearly every permutation of matches that these two teams could ever hope to offer; eventually, we need for them to swap partners or to swap outfits, maybe throw in landmines, maybe have a match involving a fatal four way of Rocks, Paper, Scissors, anything to deviate from the tepid formula that has conspired to make a match up involving teams like reDRagon and Sydal and Ricochet seem rote and tame.
I suppose that was the intent of having the elimination rules, though it did nothing to play to any of the teams' strengths, instead elongating a glorified Rumble spot into a sixteen minute match. The match moved, certainly, but never moved on from its own limitations. They did what they could with it, but it's such a tired forumla all too prevalent in the NJPW's booking of the junior tag division, like receiving the same junk mail over and over again. No one ever really shined, and the Bucks won because it just feels like that's how things are. MUSCLE RATING: ***
Ospreay got his rematch, with the power of his BOSJ win behind him. The obvious take would be that Ospreay had the upper advantage from all that he had learned in the grueling tournament. And he had, bringing new counters to KUSHIDA and finding new ways around his offense.
The problem was, KUSHIDA, already a venerated champion, had learned just as much. For every seeming counter, KUSHIDA had a new twist or variation that caught Ospreay off guard. In fact, the entire tone of this match was Ospreay playing a desperate game of catch up with an opponent who was about five or more steps ahead. Without the shine of being an unknown enemy to KUSHIDA in their face meeting, the champion found all sorts of ways to tear down Ospreay. It was an interesting take, with the final message being that Ospreay was great, but he had a lot to learn, and that there was a reason that KUSHIDA is still the ace of the New Japan juniors division.
Great match, though it falls well behind the pop and luster of their first encounter. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
Truth is, this is just about the best match you're going to get out of GoD, and it's almost entirely because of how good the Briscoes are at tag team wrestling. GoD had their lucid moments of clarity in between all of their typical, poorly wrestled haze, but at the end of the night the Briscoes were the ones that carried this, delivering the interest and even bringing in and winning over the fans who would normally be a bit reticent cheering on two gaijin teams, one of whom was never good and another one that had only appeared once or twice in recent New Japan memory.
It's not a great match but the Briscoes carried this damn thing, all while wearing ridiculous gillie suit pants that made me question what their “Camo Index” was. Not much else to say here. Watchable match, which might as well be a five star rating if you're putting the GoD on a curve.
Briscoes become the new champion. Soon after, they are assailed by Page and Takahashi and there are never enough bags that I can fill with my sick. For all the complaints I have about the junior tag division, at least they have quality wrestlers there; what talent does the heavyweight tag scene have that's not the Briscoes?
Because it sure as shit ain't Page-Ahashi MUSCLE RATING: ***
One of the best midcard feuds in some time reaches its probable conclusion as Shibata tries to reclaim his title from Nagata.
It's an intense match, hard hitting and visceral, which you would expect with Shibata and Nagata, whether separate or together. The match felt like it flew on by, ending somewhat sudden though that's perhaps the point: Shibata was humbled last time because he took the aged Nagata for granted, so Shibata went full force to gain his title back. Still, it's god damn Nagata, and the only fight you have with him is an uphill one. Strikes, submissions, sleepers, kicks, all of these were the end results of what was an incredibly physical match, with Shibata gaining back the NEVER title as well as the shared respect between he and the New Japan old guard.
I don't think this match was anywhere near the caliber of the first NEVER match, but this was still a great watch, as any combination of Shibata and Nagata fail to disappoint. MUSCLE RATING: ****
A LADDER MAAAAAATCH! For the IWGP Intercontenintal Title
The first ever (I think) ladder match in NJPW history was an over the top, boisterous affair of wrestling.
Omega in particular was a good choice to be involved in this match, though he seemed just a tick off from his normal self. Elgin always provides a good base, leading to powerful reversals and setups. This match was an odd blend of the NJ heavyweight style with an alien gimmick thrown in at various points, like no one knew how the flow was supposed to work. Sometimes the “wrestling” chunk of the match would go on for so long I would almost forget a ladder was involved.
You did have your crazy spots and your crash car antics: folks are thrown into ladders, over the ropes, off of ladder, bludgeoned with ladders. You had a few weapons. The BC is involved so you always had overbooked run-ins, which felt like they took up a significant amount of the ending as Omega was aided by Page and Takahashi and, eventually, the Bucks. The tide's turned when Sydal and Ricochet interfere. Elgin wins, but I'm mostly wondering what happens to Omega next.
The match felt both over long and a tad overwrought, but it was entertaining by the end. The crowd seemed fully invested, which makes me wonder if New Japan would think to try this kind of match again. MUSCLE RATING: ****
Okada regains his title first of all, in what was an incredibly hard fought match, pretty much textbook as far as the New Japan main event style goes. Okada, in a moment reminiscent of the John Cena contract angle with Styles, convinced Naito to wrestle without his usual cadre of villains. Naito sends his boys to the back.
It was fascinating to see the Osaka crowds response. Naito had been getting a wave of Japanese smark support, but Osaka is a town of kyrptonite for the man, it seems. Back when he had a Roman Reigns-lite push, he vowed to win the title in Osaka, claiming that if he lost then the people could boo him relentlessly. He lost. They booed. They continued to boo for years after. Even though he had his vocal supporters, the crowd continued their Naito-hating tradition, while throwing all of their support behind Okada.
The match was great in that it showed how capable Naito really could be without needing interference all the time. While Okada was a more than worthy foe, Naito was able to put himself up on equal footing with the Okada, for awhile. Further reinforcing this point, Naito became just the second person in history behind Hiroshi god damn Tanahashi to kick out of the fabled Rainmaker finish. In fact, Okada brought back his flurry of Rainmakers (like what he had used in the G1 final against Nakamura two years back), nailing Naito with about four of the damn things just to put him down. It's reminiscent to the old All Japan finisher method, of needing to pull out something truly special and violent to finish off nearly unbeatable opponents.
The story at the end is that Okada reigns supreme once again, as he vies to ascend to the throne of being the new Ace of the company. This show had been a full route of LIJ by the forces of CHAOS, and you have to imagine this won't be the last we see of Naito and his hooligans. The landscape is altered in New Japan once again; next, the G1 Climax. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
Muscle Match of the Night: Okada vs. Naito
Flabby Match of the Night: That Bullet Club three man crap sack
Good While it Lasted Award: Naito
Jacked Weeaboo Award: Kenny Omega
Tearful Goodbye Award: Jay White
Generational Gap Award: Shibata vs. Nagata
Big Van Vader Award for Killing the Business: Ospreay
Muscle Museum
Not to participate in salacious Gregorian hearsay, but the rumor is that June 19th had to go on a lot of dates and do a lot of illicit activities in order to have both Money in the Bank AND the NJPW Dominion show.
Jus' saying.
It's a big day for wrestling, as the two arguably biggest wrestling promotions ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET (though both pale in comparison to Lizardman World Order from the center of Earth's core) hold pretty significant shows. MITB is probably the most successful of the “B shows,” so much so that it is not out of the realm of possibility to consider it the little sibling to the big three, haven easily pushed aside Survivor Series, a show that has not had any real success in several years. Dominion is poised to set up the rest of the summer for New Japan, and is the gate keeper beast before the coveted G1 Climax readies the course for the rest of New Japan's 2016.
SO LET'S GET TO IT K.
Money in the Bank
PRE-SHOW
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin
No.
MUSCLE HYPE: Nuh uh.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Mmm-mm
Apollo Crews vs. Sheamus
It's the battle of the contrasts!
Apollo Crews is just about the worst case of “lost in translation” I've seen in quite some time, somehow having all of his charisma filtered out; and that's just the transition from Dragon's Gate to NXT. From NXT to WWE, he's turned nearly inert. Unfortunate, as the man is a great talent, but there's clearly some combination of factors prevented him from being the Uhaa of old, and I'm not even yet ready to put the blame entirely on the WWE.
Meanwhile, the most recent noteworthy thing that Sheamus has done is be perhaps one half of the only reason to see the latest Ninja Turtles movie. He is enjoying a comfy spot perched atop many “Worst Money in the Bank Winners of All Time,” lists. In fact, this particular match started because Sheamus lost his chance to get into this year's match and he took out his Irish anger on Crews, in an odd but accurate retelling of Irish and African American struggles in the early chapters of American history.
Sheamus tends to work best when he has a fever dream and believes himself to be in the NJPW G1, while Crews is talented beyond all measure, yet he is still a man of many good parts that have yet to come together to form a great whole, like Voltron pilots who've lost the manual. There could be something here, but it's two downward trended talents wrestling on a pre-show, so it's hard to expect much.
MUSCLE HYPE: Utterly low. The despondent sinew of a waifish French person, lounging melancholic by a window, smoking a cigarette and hating their father and thus, life.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Apollo Crews?
MAIN SHOW
Charlotte and Dana Brooks vs. Becky Lynch and Natalya
As to be expected the women's revolution went about as well as the Children's Crusade did.
Despite half a million matches, we still have the ground floor feud of Charlotte and Natalya. I shouldn't even be complaining about that idea on paper, but WWE have successfully bungled even that rivalry with interferences, bum finishes, and just too much Ric Flair. Now, after what felt like should have been the feud finale, we still continue hunting down stragglers of the women's revolution, this time adding in not-ready Dana Brooks and “the Dean Ambrose of the women's division,” Becky Lynch.
Goodness, that pained me to type.
Dana Brooks is tolerable, but like Crews, was likely called up to soon, and is somehow the worst wrestler on her team. Becky Lynch is great, but because WWE is who they are she will likely never get the spotlight she deserves. Natalya is great as always, but I hold only so much faith that this match will get the time or booking to be anything more than a time filler.
I want to say this is the calm before the much needed Sasha Banks storm, but with news of Nikki Bella returning, I'm already about to tell the medical staff to call it on this failed revolution.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Becky Lynch and Natalya
MUSCLE HYPE: Low. The listless meat of a midnight retail worker, who once had dreams of traveling the world and creating art, instead having their skin bake in the low, florescent lights, the dim glow of their dead dreams.
O'Neil is finally back from his suspension, one gained from attempting to play “Ring Around the Rosey” with the boss in front of a live crowd. He is, as always, a terrible wrestler with the smallest of tights, and I expect his game plan of “throwing off opponent with terrible wrestling” and “bulge” will be put to good use this Sunday.
Rusev is the US champion again and has continued his illustrious history of feuding with and beating him people of color, in a long tenured string of booking that must say SOMETHING about the unconscious self of the WWE.
This match will not be good. Titus is fun, until he decides to get into the ring. Rusev, by my contention, has always been vastly overrated as a wrestler, except “he sold his ankle a lot that one time.” Still, good on WWE I guess for trying to rehab Rusev, who has been absolutely smoothed over in the testicle reason since losing to Cena more than a year earlier.
To no one's surprise.
Another filler match that future generations will scan past when they look up the match card for this show.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Rusev continues to Matchka
MUSCLE HYPE: Incredibly low. The woe-filled muscles of someone drinking old Cutty Sark on a rust-made fire escape; the din of the city below the soundtrack to your misery; your table cluttered with bills, all past due; her name on your tongue, regret written in your lips. What have I done, you think.
There's something very “New Japan doesn't know what to do with these cruiserweight tag so let's have another four way” about this match, only it has a bit of a new polish on it as you don't see this match format with tag teams all that often in the WWE, outside of maybe a Mania pre-show.
Not much story wise, which I'm okay with. All four teams are, to some degree, capable (I mean, there's Gallows but he should be hidden well in this match). I like that the VV are still included in the tag scene, as I was sure that they would have been gearing up for North East indie tours and YouShoot videos by now. Keep this match energetic, with bodies being thrown in and out for about ten minutes, and I don't see how this could not be a fun mid card tag match/
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Enzo and Cass! (who are they going to vote for during the election? A couple-a Naaaders?)
MUSCLE HYPE: Medium. The tired-but-determined muscles of someone on the grind. The number of hours you work is greater than the number of dollars you get paid, but that's the cost of the early hustle. You have dreams of that promotion, dreams of making it out on top. Head low, feet to the floor, nose to the grindstone, the world is yours.
AJ Styles vs. John Cena
The latest attempt on the WWE's part of conjuring up the realization of a dream match that literally no one ever thought or cared about. At least this match up should be incredible, if nothing else.
The feud so far has been so meta I thought I was watching the end of Holy Mountain, with Styles throwing around actual internet accusations like how “guys like [John Cena] bury guys like me!” Cena, just this past week, cut a promo mentioning Styles' time in PWG, NJPW, and ROH. It's the semi-annual “WWE feud booked by the internet” angle that they love in small doses.
Outside of those references, the feud itself has been patched together like any sort of “internet darling” versus Cena feud. Styles somewhat (but not entirely, to be fair) inexplicably rejoined up with The Club and turned heel, saying he needs his boys around so that Cena doesn't bury him like he has so many others (legitimate).
From there, the story went the traditional route that it was always expected to when Cena's involved: the bad guy is wrong, Cena is always right, and you can tell Cena is right because he yells a lot and says naughty words like “bitch” and “balls.” I have always had an immense distaste for Cena's promos; the man can deliver them well – I guess if YELLING A LOT is all it takes – but it's always noticeable when he's allowed to say whatever he wants, while his opponent is often verbally handicapped to embolden Cena's stance (see: first Rock feud, or the Punk feud when Punk turned heel). I contend that Cena is overrated as a promo man, saving the rare exception like the Ascension Ceremony spiel.
I will say, I did like the idea of Cena offering Styles the chance to sign one of two contracts: one with The Club, or without. But it's the same as damn near every fucking Cena angle. The bad guy is always a sniveling coward who is coerced by shots aimed a this man hood by Cena. The whole feud plays out like Cena representing the WWE's collective distaste for indie folks; as always, Cena is right, [insert opponent here] is wrong. I know it's fashionable to grind up on “Big Match John” like a feline in heat because he actually showed up a few times last year, but there are always core story telling issues that make the character detestable.
Setting all of that aside, this match will be great. There's no way it can't be. Styles is world class, and if he can get two great matches out of Reigns then he should get a legendary bout out of Cena, who finally learned to be a great wrestle man on his own in the last number of years. It's an implacable situation, as you have an A-list talent like Styles who hasn't won a major match since he arrived in the company against Cena, the golden one who just returned from injury. At best, Styles gets a Kevin Owens scenario where he wins one during the inevitable feud before he and his flunkies get the usual Cena treatment, but I don't know that Styles gets that one pity win this Sunday.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: John Cena
MUSCLE HYPE: High. The determined muscles of the come back kid. You've trained hard for this moment. You fought back from the injuries, you're ready. Against all odds, you've proven the nay-sayers wrong time, time, time and time again. It's the big game. You're ready. Destiny awaits. You lose, of course, and by a heart breathtakingly slim margin. But that's life. Only this is the WWE, so it's some twisted meat-puppet marionette imitation of life, a nightmare that you can never wake up from.
Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn vs. Chris Jericho vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
The build up to this match has been perhaps the most entertainingly booked bit of business on this card. There's something nice about the smooth transition of the Owens/Zayn eternity feud and how it slid right into the Miz and Cesaro feud, which itself continued rolling like an avalanche, gobbling up the Jericho and Ambrose feud – and plowing over Del Rio, who was just looking for directions. It's been a nice morphing and shifting scene of the upper mid-card, and it's come along semi-naturally.
With the talent involved, there's a very good chance this could rank up there as one of the better MITB matches of all time, and I say that as someone who thinks the idea of a ladder match in general has lost its edge and its appeal for excitement in the last decade or so. There are a lot of delightful little stories that can come from this; Owens or Zayn could win, which could lead to one of them costing the other their chance to cash-in; Ambrose could win, which could provide a scenario for the much-wanted SHIELD triple threat match; Jericho could win, finally laying claim to his constant boasting of having invented the match; Cesaro won't win, but in a fair and just world this could be the push that could elevate him to the top, a spot he's rightfully deserved for about two years now.
Which will probably mean the Del Rio, the least interesting wrestler here on the basis of personality or plot wise, will win.
I like ADR, but if he wins it's going to be nearly an exact repeat of the head scratching Sheamus win from last year, only with more melanin (but an equally pale girlfriend).
However good or bad the ending may wind up being, this will likely be a great match, a spiritual successor of sorts to the much liked ladder match from Mania 32.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Heart says Owens, tragic history and gut says ADR
MUSCLE HYPE: High. The thick slabs of battle enriched granite that house the heart of a gladiator. You don't even wince anymore as the light of the high and angry sun seeps through your visor as the gate opens. Before you, a crowd of thousands, cheering for blood and death and one above all. Your opponents are before you, brothers in scars. In their hands as is in yours, metal, fashioned to separate a man from his life, to crush his future out of his skull. You can feel the grit of the sand oozing between your toes as you take your sure steps into history. No amount of clamoring from the crowds can drive out the beating of your heart, the roar of your battle cry. You rush forward, as do they. The battle is joined. Victory eternal to the last man standing. You will never be king but by all of the gods you will be a champion. You lose the cash-in to Roman Reigns in a seven minute match on Raw a few months later.
Like with America with its racism and guns, you will likely never see the end of the destructive “The Guy” system because WWE loves it too damn much. You can feel bad about the sallow faced, sore spotted piss alley drug addict all you want, but they are never going to stop unless they want to do so.
Hell, WWE so loved “The Guy” the tried to make two of them. Not only is Cena back to lay waste to the more talented, but Reigns is here, having already showed his office-mandated superiority over office-mandated scrub AJ Styles. What's likely the worst actual part of all this is just how they've botched a story that was given to them on sheets of purple velvet emblazoned with golden filigree.
Seth Rollins was injured in real life and came back to the adulation of the crowd who wanted to see him as a good guy. One could easily be led to think this was the WWE's angle, as they had a mini-documentary on his recovery, including old footage and interviews with friends and family about how much he wanted to achieve his dream. It was the tears for a returning hero, slathered over emotionally stirring footage. It was all ticker tapes and cherry blossom petals ready to be showered on the man as he made his triumphant return, ready to upend the heretical throne of Roman Reigns, the usurper that no one liked.
Instead, Rollins immediately turned heel again and fans stopped caring about the match.
Reigns is – again – the least of his own feud, the roving semi colon in his own book. Rollins' return is interesting, his re-acclimation to a world that has changed in the several months since he's been gone is interesting, his relationship to Reigns is interested, though nothing about Reigns is, except he is a Samoan shaped blockade.
Plus, there's very little drama to the match, and that's a direct consequence of the “The Guy” system. Despite what Alzheimic story telling they try to deliver, Reigns has beaten Rollins in the past. In fact, it was in the midst of Ambrose's revenge tour on Rollins. The whole point was that Ambrose wanted to destroy Rollins for breaking up the SHIELD, but Rollins kept slipping away. And then, on some random episode of Raw, Reigns just stepped in and won.
That's the whole history of the post SHIELD trio. Ambrose is the idiot best friend to the Strong and Cool and Great and Majestic Reigns, who is Amazing and Wonderful. Ambrose can never get the job done because he is Dumb and Stupid and Dumb. Rollins is a conniver and a cheat, and will always fall to the FAR SUPERIOR Reigns, who is Best Thing. That's the whole narrative. It's Rock, Paper, Scissors, only Reigns is all three, Rollins is someone who keeps throwing paper until he accidentally wins, and Ambrose has no hands.
It's why the prospect of a SHIELD triple threat tastes sour. If they'd done their jobs, if the writers knew what they were doing, all three would be seen as on equal footing. You could even have it where Reigns can beat Rollins, Rollins can beat Ambrose, but Ambrose can beat Reigns. That's inherently more intriguing than what we have now, where Rollins can barely win a match if he was training by himself, Ambrose has been a mostly official joke character since that disgusting Lesnar “match” at Mania, and Reigns is portrayed as the greatest guy ever, having beaten both Rollins and especially Ambrose numerous times, often with very little effort.
Also, Reigns was supposed to beat Rollins back in November before the latters' injury anyway.
It's Styles and Cena again. The smaller, more interesting, more talented wrestler is almost absentmindedly turned bad so that he can become the next notch for the Big and Strong Super Hero Who Never Loses and is Never Wrong.
Rollins will get a good match out of Reigns. There might be something thought provoking considering how the MITB match plays out, though you can't help but wonder if the MITB winner is going to actually beat Reigns, or recreate the Sandow incident, or maybe just cash in on whatever weaker champion runs rampant on Smackdown post brand split, if they go with two titles.
With Reigns and Cena matches, you have to start thinking in what cool way are they going to win? Cena will likely catch Styles out of the air during his Phenomenal Forearm and hits him with the AA, Reigns will spear a mid-air Rollins or reverse a pedigree attempt (bring back the Curb Stomp!) into a spear, or (insert footage of Edge from 2010 Jericho feud where he just says “spear” over and over again).
It'll be a thing.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Reigns. Just get a tattoo for the next decade that says, “lolReignsWinslol”
MUSCLE HYPE: Medium-High. The deep tissue muscularity of a *SPEAR*
NJPW
Dominion 6.19 in Osaka-Jo Hall
That's right. FOREIGN HYPE.
New Japan operates a little differently from the WWE, and I mean that even outside of the former's tendency to actually paying attention to crowd response and crowd whims and having a generally better grasp of booking. NJPW lacks the traditional weekly shows like RAW, instead having a series of glorified house shows that typically include multi-man matches, though subtle angles are often built in as well. They are usually called “Road to” shows, with the phrase being completed by the name of the next inevitable major show.
Dominion is different, as it's typically preceded by the Best of the Super Juniors, which is where all the work load is carried by the juniors. The heavier dudes still get their angles and multi-man tags in throughout the roughly two week series of shows.
Now that the incredible BOSJ tournament is at its end, the focus shifts back to the heavyweight scene as we approach Dominion, which – accounting for Asian time travel – is set to air on the East coast somewhere around five AM early Sunday morning, roughly fourteen hours before Money in the Bank.
New Japan has had to do a lot of shuffling in the wake of some of there biggest stars leaving. In a shocking turn of events, Shinsuke Nakamura, AJ Styles and – those this is not nearly as major – Guns 'n Gallows all jumped to the WWE. Kota Ibushi went freelance, and seems to be throwing his lot in during this summer of tournaments by being involved in the WWE's Cruiserweight Classic. Combine all that with the injury-based absence of their biggest star, Hiroshi Tanahashi, and you would find a situation that would leave lesser talents scrambling.
Such is not the case with New Japan. Tetsuya Naito – formerly a Roman Reigns analog in “wrestler the company wanted to push but the fans rejected” – has finally become one of the top men in the company. After years of being pushed down the card due to the fan's reticence towards supporting him, he pulled a Nakamura by going to Mexico and coming back with a destructive, apathetic, almost nihilistic persona as a member of the rudo stable “Los Ingobernables.” Since that time, Naito has made a Japanese chapter of the stable. The fans took to this chaotic new persona, and thanks to his talents (and his team mates) Naito was able to defeat Okada for the IWGP championship – which he then proceeded to callously toss aside, showing his lack of respect for anyone and anything. Okada, the new Ace of tomorrow, has been on a tear to try and get the title back.
But I'm burying the lede. TO THE PREDICTIONS
Hiroyoshi Tenzan, Manabu Nakanishi, Satoshi Kojima vs. Dojo Boys of David Finlay, Jay White, and Juice Robinson
As you will soon find, a lot of NJ cards are filled with multi-man cluster dude matches to fill some time. They're usually nothing but so special, but are fun time killers regardless.
The TenCozy/Nakanishi team is a team of veterans, former IWGP winners and older, but still powerful wrestlers. Finlay, White, and Robinson (FKA CJ Parker) are all foreign, young, cruiserweights. Their future in this very match is not very bright, though Dave Finlay's skin is, at least.
This match will in no way be memorable, though it might be worth seeing as I believe this is one of White's last matches before he goes on his excursion around the world to build up his body and move-set.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Beefy Old Dudes (BOD)
MUSCLE HYPE: Very Low. The skinny, bright-eyed lithe beef of a young Denzel Washington in Carbon Copy.
The Bullet Club of Bad Luck Fale, Hangman Page, and Yujiro Takahashi vs. Captain New Japan, Togi Makabe, and Yoshitatsu
Oh boy. Imagine that less in a Quantum Leap since and more in the way it would be said if you were in a plane about to crash into another plane carrying incredibly sensitive ordnance. During a thunderstorm. While all the other passengers have turned into half human half piranha abominations. And they're on fire. And are voting for Trump.
The Bullet Club is somehow still a thing, and what we have here is one of the worst iterations of the group. If you imagine the BC to be like the now (which is more than coincidence) just imagine this trio to be like three Vincent's. Okay, Fale can be Scott Norton, but worse.
Fale can be, at best, carry-able to something that's not utterly offensive. Takahashi has maybe had three good matches in his career, and Page – whether in ROH or otherwise – has not done a single thing to this date to make me see him as anything other than Mid Card Professional Wrestling Human Being. Their opponents are little better, featuring a perennial goof and job wrestler in CNJ, an underwhelming Triple H cosplayer who fashions himself a “Bullet Club Hunter” in Yoshitatsu, and Togi Makabe, who's decent, but will likely not be able to excel his match to anything above a loathsome watch.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: The Bullet Club Y-Team
MUSCLE HYPE: Exceedingly Low. The drunken, self destructive, flab pouch body of Denzel Washington in that horrible Flight movie.
Chaos of Tomohiro Ishii and Yoshi-Hashi vs. Los Ingobernables de Japon of BUSHI and Sanada
Okay, we're finally getting somewhere.
The biggest feud spreading vine-like across all of NJPW is that of CHAOS vs. LIJ. The factions leaders, Okada and Naito respectively, have a score of their own to settle. Meanwhile, the underlings are battiling it out throughout the rest of the card.
Ishii is a bulldozing malevolent power thumb of a man, a squat, neck-less slab of pork and granite who is also an excellent wrestler. Toshi-Hashi is not much special, though he has his moments of good here and there. BUSHI is coming off an unsuccessful bid to be the Best of the Super Juniors. Sanada is a recent-ish acquisition, coming from TNA to help turn the tide against Chaos.
This should be a pretty decent tag, with LIJ trying to find the cheapest way to victory while they bounce off of Ishii's adamantine body. Yoshi-Hashi is there to likely fulfill his purpose and be the loser for his team.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: LOS! INGOBERNABLES!
MUSCLE HYPE: Medium. Not in the best of shape, but still lethal and more than capable frame of Denzel Washington in Out of Time.
EVIL vs. Hirooki Goto
EVIL is, yes, his name.
He appeared sporadically in Ring of Honor during his joke of an excursion, but has since returned to Japan and proving quite capable at being a menace, throwing his lot in with Naito and, apparently, the very moral abstract of evil itself, which I guess means he likes Duck Dynasty and thinks Baron Corbin is a good wrestler. You know, scum bags.
I'm a big fan of Goto, but the poor guy seems to be unable to break into the upper echelon of the company. Unless he finds a resurgent Nakamuran/Naito-ian spark that turns his career around, it seems he will likely be stuck being the (more talented) “Mr. Kennedy” of New Japan. Good, but never great.
Whatever the future holds, this match is about figuring out who's better in the Chaos/LIJ war by hitting each other really god damn hard. Both men are powerful pugilists, so expect a lot of red chests and world cracking lariats.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Goto
MUSCLE HYPE: Medium. You look good, Denzel Washington in Ricochet, but you're going to do much better. Also, John Lithgow is EVIL here.
Four-Way Tag Team Elimination Match for the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship
One of the more annoying parts of New Japan booking is how they treat their juniors – specifically, how they treat the junior tags. It's honestly exhausting that every major shows has another four-way match for the titles, and the way this one was built was explicitly lazy, with some of the teams joining just because.
In spite of that, at least, this should be a fun match with six of some of the best junior talent around. The match almost feels, in a sort of way, like an epilogue to the BOSJ; The Young Bucks were injured and missed the tournament entirely, which likely didn't sit well with them; Rocky Romero and Beretta both had strong showings in the BOSJ, though both failed to win their blocks; Bobby Fish had a great tournament with nothing to show for it, while KO was denied his chance at heading to the finals; Sydal nearly won his block, while Ricochet was absolutely poised to head to the finals until the BC cheated him on the last day. I doubt there will be ANY BOSJ implications affecting what little story there is to the match, but it's fun to think about. Plus, the elimination factor will likely put a new wrinkle or two into the match itself.
Expect a billion flips and a few arm-bars. It will be a destruction derby of junior meat bags, so you're guaranteed a giff-able match, if not all that much else.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Matt Sydal and Ricochet, team “Oh, Was Everyone Supposed to Have a Team Name? We Missed That Memo”
MUSCLE HYPE: Medium-High. I want more out of you, you perpetually confused, over stuffed Denzel Washington in Fallen.
On the more serious side of the junior spectrum, we have this match.
In Ospreay's first match in New Japan earlier this year, he went toe to zero gravity toe with KUSHIDA, in a match that made Ospreay more or less a New Japan elite within about twenty minutes. Ospreay lost, but everyone recognized that Ospreay was legit. Furthermore, he had a riveting run all through the BOSJ, from his much talked about Ricochet match (you know, the one that “killed the business”) to his being on the cusp of elimination, to working his way to the finals and beating Taguchi in his hometown to secure his status as the 2016 Best of the Super Juniors and earning a shot at KUSHIDA's title.
KUSHDA, meanwhile, has not been as lucky. Though he had stellar match after stellar match in the BOSJ, he ultimately failed in even getting out of his block. In spite of that, KUSHIDA is still the number one dog in the junior division, and any chance of claiming you're the best junior goes through KUSHIDA.
On paper, all of the momentum is Ospreay's; from having viral matches to actually winning the BOSJ, he's a run away freight train filled with bricks going down a steep mountain slope. He's like that horrible Denzel Washington movie – no, not The Preacher's Wife, and you go to hell if you said Virtuosity. I'm talking about Unstoppable, people, Christ.
KUSHIDA, meanwhile, has three things going for him: he's awesome, to begin with; he is the IWGP Junior champion; he's beaten Ospreay before. Those are tough odds to surmount even with Ospreay's velocity coming into Dominion.
Independent of whatever outcome, this match is going to be great, especially if it's anything like their first match. Ospreay has learned plenty even in the few months since their first match, and KUSHIDA is world class as a junior and just as a wrestler in general. Ospreay has the air game, but KUSHIDA has the submission ability. Both wrestlers are phenomenal with adapting as the landscape is altered, so we're dead god damn set for another classic encounter.
MUSCLE HYPE: Very High. Denzel Washington and his cut, scarred, but defiant body might have been considered supporting players in Glory, but we all know that it could never have worked without him.
The thinkin' about baseball, imagining your parents naked, cold water on the crotch erectile dampener of a match. Take my hype for KUSHIDA/Ospreay, subject it to A Clockwork Orange style torture where it's forced to see hours of Baron Corbin and Big Show matches, tell it that Santa Clause is not real and its parents are getting a divorce, and you'll have my general lack of want for this match.
Hyperbole aside, the Briscoes will likely carry this damn thing to something watchable. Despite seemingly starting to get decent as a singles wrestler, Tama Tonga has regressed as the tag champs alongside his brother, a low card washout from the WWE. GoD have been nothing but terrible since acquiring the titles, and I doubt even '07 Briscoes could make them look good. It's nice, anyway, to see The Briscoes again. I'm ready to be surprised.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: GoD is not dead, but they sure ain't good
MUSCLE HYPE: Low. Like, hit the gym, chunk bodied, tank top wearing between-jobs Denzel Washington.
First thing is first: the NEVER title is like the WWE US or IC title, only treated a LOT better, with a legion of excellent matches in its short history. It was originally a title for members of their rookie divisions – think a sort of NXT title, before NXT became its own thing. That immediately fell by the wayside, and thanks to heavy hitters like Ishii, NEVER title defenses have become vital to a good NJPW card.
Nagata and Shibata had one of my favorite matches during the legendary G1 Climax in 2014. People generally liked it, but I loved the damn thing so much I actually gave it five fucking stars. In all the times I've re-watched the thing, I've yet to feel like I've overrated it. Their title match earlier this year was nearly as good, another match that made me irrationally excited, and one which I gave ****1/2 stars to.
The plotline for this has been one of the great side plots in New Japan these last few months. Shibata – a contemporary of Tanahashi and Nakamura, who abandoned the company for a failed MMA career, and who's return was met with derision for the longest time – finally secured his first singles title at WrestleKingdom. He's had a string of defenses since, many of which have been at the expense of the old guard. Shibata hates old people – or, more like, needs to prove himself against them. Since the start of his reign, he's antagonized and bested legends like Kojima and Tenzan. It's like a kind of “Legend Killer” story.
The problem came when Shibata busted heads with Yuji Nagata, Mr. Anti-Aging himself. Nagata has, somehow, been an incredible wrestler well into his late forties, still having high level matches multiple times a year. I say this, also, being a big mark for the dude ever since the WCW/NWO Revenge days when I could select him as a character.
When Shibata and Nagata met again, this time with the NEVER title on the line, things went differently for Shibata, as Nagata beat him and took his title, in what was considered a shocking win of sorts.
Since then, Shibata has been continuing to provoke the ire of the older generation, battling them at will. Nagata hopes to drain the Young Blood dry and silence the whelp for good.
These two have similar styles: strike heavy, with ample submissions and suplex capabilities. Shibata these days is more submission and strike oriented, while Nagata I would argue has an edge in suplexes. These two have caused Muscle Museum love fests every time they meet, and I expect this time to be nothing out of the ordinary as these two kick and wrangle each other to another brilliant match.
The erection is back, in case you were wondering.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Shibata
MUSCLE HYPE: Very High. Your tyrannical muscle is the law of the land, Denzel Washington in Training Day, because King Kong ain't got shit on you. We know you're surgical with that bitch.
A LADDER MAAAAAATCH! For the IWGP Intercontenintal Title
A LADDER MATCH?
Most major Japanese promotions often do not engage in gimmick matches; tell me how many times you've seen Misawa or Kobashi in a last man standing match. So the fact that this ladder match is taking place at all is mystifying.
Originally this was going to be Tanahashi trying to win the IC title from Omega, who defeated him to claim the vacant belt after Nakamura left earlier this year. Tanahashi instead got injured, so much so that he had to be taken off the card here.
Elgin is a suitable replacement, and makes since in the storyline since Omega defeated Elgin earlier this year. Throughout the tours, Omega had been using ladders to try and destroy Tanahashi and later Elgin, all in a drive to secure the title that Nakamura built.
Omega is absolutely one of the best, most entertaining wrestlers around, and Elgin has had years of quality matches to be found in the ruins of his skullet. The two have an inherently complementary set of styles, as it's Omega's agility and speed versus the nearly incomparable power of Elgin. With a ladder thrown in, I expect to see the kind of insanity that someone like Omega can provide. I wouldn't be surprised if we see more ladder matches in NJPW in the future.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Kenny Omega
MUSCLE HYPE: High. Mo' Better Blues? Try “Mo' Battered Bruises” after this match, young, charming, and hip Denzel Washington.
The leaders of Chaos and LIJ look to assert their dominance, with the fate of NJPW hanging in the balance. Okada, formerly the rude, rich kid, has become the future ace after finally defeating Tanahashi at WrestleKingdom this year. Naito is off almost proving some sort of psychological point like The Joker, at the same time spurning those that despised him when he wasn't the champ.
Okada is one of the five best wrestlers on the planet, with nearly unmatched skill and a finisher that may one be the deadliest, most protected finisher in all of wrestling. Naito is more of a high flyer, with a pent up mean streak and an army of equally heinous ne'er-do-wells at his back.
This match will likely be very good, though will probably be marred by run-ins. Still, it will assuredly contain some primo story telling, and will likely be the last big NJPW angle before they transition to the G1 Climax, which will set the tone for the rest of the year leading up the WrestleKingdom.
In a perfect world, Chaos and LIJ would meet in a War Games match.
OH WELL.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Okada
MUSCLE HYPE: High. The serious dignity, defined veneer, and complicated brain-body of a man who wanted to change the world and fight his own war his way. Yes, I'm talking about Denzel Washington in Virtuosity.
Other writing of a grander scale has slowed progress on both the Museum and my main, supposedly more writer oriented page. As such, here's yet another massive, five ton Flex review. I've omitted two episode of Ring of Honor so I can work those in later. As it is, you have NXT, NXT: The End, two episodes of Lucha Underground, two episodes of AJW Classics, and some fast ratings for the last seven nights of the Best of the Super Juniors tournament.
So, be happy with that.
NXT #199
This is the go-home episode for TakeOver: The End – the implications of that subtitle are ominous. It has lead to much speculation, which is fine, as wrestling is an old chrome engine that runs almost entirely on rumors and hearsay.
The scuttle-anus runs the gamut from the mundane (“this is the end of the Joe/Balor feud!) to the landscape alteringly massive (“NXT is going to get gutted for the brand split; the whole roster is changing!)
Placating no fears, solving no mysteries, The Revival kick off the show.
The Revival cut a promo, the too-long of it boiling down to: we gonna win our rematch and get them titles! TommGano interrupt, with Ciampa talking about how the tag scene in NXT has changed. The Revival played the old canard of how they are “good hands” (a “B+ player” dog whistle phrase) and how they only have experience in bingo halls and the like – the same, now ancient remarks that are always used to antagonize wrestlers who are seen as “indie.” It would probably be a less irritating remark if there wasn't that real world coating of disdain that the bigs at the WWE likely truly have about the whole independent experience and the talent it spawns.
Gargano cuts a counter promo. The Revival leave, the come back and a scuffle breaks out. This is all wrestling sign language for “THERE'S A MATCH TONIGHT.” The Revival are quite adept on the mic; for all of the neoclassical Southern heel tag styling, I find that people rarely comment on how decent they are in the talking area of things.
Nakamura promo! Nakamura promos might be the NXT equivalent of the Lucha Underground vignettes to me: bizarre, often hilarious, and delightfully confusing. Nakamura says, “Let me see. I think Austin Aries will bow down to the King of Strong Style.” He then Naks his way out of the promo as he is a man made entirely of gestures and contortions (Jim Carrey?).
It's Tye Dillinger versus Buddy Murphy. As the commentary says, Murphy lost his team and his girl, but he got his first name back! Unfortunately, it's a name more popular with the idiot, grinning furred loon bags known as golden retrievers than with actual humans, wrestle humans or otherwise.
It seems they're running with a “downfall” story with Murphy. Of course I say that, and I imagine Murphy as Hitler in those old “Downfall” memes. Hitler cuts a much better promo than Murphy does. In a lot of ways, Hitler is like The Rock of fascism: went from bullshit to stardom in no time, won a lot as his popularity grew, wasn't actually around all that long, and despite being on a win streak initially he became saddled with a few key losses. Just like The Rock, some of Hitler's ideals are still popular, and seem to pop up from time to time.
Oh, um, Tye wins. Fairly even, decent match with two very solid ring dudes. Tye is going to have a match at The End with Andrade, so this win and subsequent opponent is sliding Tye right into the Juice Robinson gate keeper role: decent guys who would be the opening fodder for newer, bigger named talent. Buddy Murphy continues on down his lonesome road, looking back with his thumb sticking out as sad piano music plays. MUSCLE RATING: **
Sit down interview with Samoa Joe and Finn Balor. Joe is a delightful shit here and, even better, he's right in nearly everything he says in that sweet way that some of the most justified heels can be. Balor is defensive and soft spoken while Joe is arrogant, confident, and more than believes he's right. It felt nice and realistic, and I even enjoyed the awkward pauses, almost like space deadened because Balor is recalling some of Joe's accusations through his mind and realizing that he's right, and has been about everything, but he needs that title back. I was a big fan of this segment, reminding me the Austin/Rock build to WrestleMania X-7 and even Brock and Reigns' sit-down interview early in the lead up to WrestleMania 31. They should do these more often.
An Elias Samson match. They should do these less often. His opponent, adorned with heel cape and vest is Austin Aries! Negative reactions all around. Aries wins with, interestingly enough, his Last Chancery submission finisher, a move I haven't seen from him yet in NXT. Aries cuts a promo on Nakamura, hyping their match this Wednesday. I can't wait until the internet twunts start ironically cheering for Samson for arbitrary reasons, least of all for his abject lack of talent. This is otherwise known as pulling a Corbin.
The Revival take on TommGano. The Revival are more of a throwback than the Vaudevillians; they use their usual assortment of old NWA and Mid-South heelin', trying to isolate their opponents and whipping out some Arn Anderson type moves. TommGano eventually rally. Everyone looked great here; that's top marks for TommGano as their momentum continues for the CWC, or a larger stint in NXT and maybe even WWE, and top marks for The Revival for looking good going into their rematch. In a surprise move, TommGano actually get a sneak victory. Normally, in the WWE, The Revival would win since they last looked weak, but would NXT adhere to such a main roster procedure? Or is it another meta red herring used by NXT to try and psyche out expectations? MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
The Revival commence with a post match beating until American Alpha arrive to hero Dash and Dawson away.
The main segment is the Jax/Asuka contract signing. They come down. Jax cuts a functional promo about how she has broken everyone in her way and that Asuka is next on that tragic list. Asuka, in her best Nakamuran English, says Jax talks to much. In what is actually my favorite segment of the episode, she yells at Jax in a string of violent Japanese. She ends her promo with more Nakamuran English about how Jax is not scared but she should be. They face off. Jax attacks Asuka and power bombs the color out of her hair like in Scott Pilgrim. Regal is in the background, wondering if maybe they should just start doing Skype contract signings from now on.
Easily watchable show. It was incredibly utilitarian, getting in the last breathes of hype before The End.
More important than that song, however, is this show's soundtrack decision to not only have BabyMetal – which might be one of the best musical choices they've ever made – but to also bring back one of the greatest bits of production music they've ever made, The End, the song famously used in the old Armageddon PPVs.
Speaking less about music and more about the show, this is The End, though of what we're still not sure. Presumably, at least, this is the endgame of the Balor and Joe feud, as they resolve their nearly nine month beef inside a steel cage.
It's an NXT TakeOver show. TakeOver shows are always at least good at a minimum, and are often better than their neighboring main roster PPVs. Take Dallas, for instance – not only was it one of the greatest live shows ever, not only was it the greatest TakeOver ever, it blew WrestleMania 32 so far out the water that, where once was an ocean, is not an endless stretch of a sun baked valley. In truth if one excludes WrestleMania XXX, TakeOver: Dallas is better than nearly the last decade of WrestleMania shows. With the possible exception of 24 and (this is a bias mark here) XXVI, you'd have to go back to god damn WrestleMania XIX to find a Mania as good.
But enough about Dallas. There was no way that The End was going to surpass or even equal Dallas as far as sheer quality goes. Unlike Dallas, however, there was not a single match as bad as Corbin/Aries. This might have something to do with their being no Baron Corbin to pollute the pool, as it were.
It's time we faced The End.
Andrade “Cien” Almas vs. Tye Dillinger
Okay. I was wrong.
In the Hype preview I said that Tye is the perfect – in fact, superior – choice to replace the role of gatekeeper that CJ Parker once inhabited. I say that, but the truth is: Tye is simply too popular for that position. Tye is more popular than Parker ever was, and more talented, too. I think it still madness to suggest he be put in the main event scene – he's not that good – but, from reports, it looks like they are actually going to give the Perfect Ten a chance to make it beyond his destined-for-jobber spot, and for that I commend him, as well as the inner workings of NXT for actually rewarding talent that the fans get behind.
The problem here is that Tye was too popular for this match, as fans were split at best between he and Almas, which isn't the best sign when Almas is supposed to be this great signing (which he is). Almas looked great out there, but then his La Sombra persona was world class at one point, so him being outstanding was rather a foregone conclusion. He gave a lot to Tye here, who also looked stellar in his part.
The match itself was just about as good as you're going to get for an introductory squash-esque match, with Almas pulling off some impressive moves (including a Kota Ibushi style double moonsault). Alams gets the win with what looks like the most aggressive fellatio this side of an ivy league frat. People like Alams, but those “ten!” chants are hard to ignore... MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
It's the Brainbusters versus The Steiner Brothers of 2016 in a modernized retro match, a rematch from their awesome title match in Dallas.
There are few things in wrestling more delightful than seeing two wrestlers or two teams made for each other, just heavy lifting puzzle pieces finding the right fit and creating a lasting image in fifteen or so minutes' time.
After much mulling, this bout might even be better than their Dallas showdown, with great double team moments and some smart, MENSA level psychology. There's great attention to detail, as you can clearly see the two teams learn from each other, and not just from past matches, but even from non-wrestling segments. You can especially see this at the conclusion of the match, when The Revival use a reversal that AA had used against them in Dallas, eventually sealing the deal and allowing The Revival to win back the titles, making them not only the first two-time tag champions in NXT history, but the first two-time champs of anything in NXT history.
Speculation continued to run in regards to the future rosters of the impending draft; some see the AA loss as them losing the titles because they are soon to be consumed by the main roster. Which would be good for them; The Revival have a lot of fans, and The Revival are really good, but I've always preferred American Alpha, and easily rank them as the best wrestling tag team in WWE and NXT, and a top contender for among the world's elite. American Alpha is basically a team comprised of two hot tags, and it is enthralling to watch.
I'm pretty high on them.
Great match. Not quite, I don't think, one of the greatest tag matches ever as some have enthusiastically claimed, but certainly a great, top tier match you don't see often on the main roster. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)
After the tragic loss, American Alpha are viciously assaulted by a new team of burly, swarthy individuals named “The Authors of Pain.” They look like a Da Hit Squad revival act. Let me know which one is Monsta Mack so I can keep him away from the younglings.
After the beating, Paul Ellering comes out. The fans are chanting “who are you?” at this point, which may refer to the AoP, Ellering, or both. “Who are you?” is perhaps one of the worst chants I've heard come out of the wrestling fandom, but I would blame no one at all if they didn't know 2016 Paul Ellering on sight.
Yes, I will pull my “Avengers mid credits” street cred card of knowing that was Paul Ellering upon seeing him. I am great and smart and successful, thank you for noticing.
Austin Aries vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
The actual dream match I never knew I wanted.
Nakamura is always easy to write about, because what's there to say?
The always controversial Aries has been one of my favorites for close to a decade now, and even now I still rate him as a top shelf talent. Yes, the actual person is kind of an entire bag of dicks, and yes that's a tough sell for anyone who is not fond of a giant sack of castrato cast offs. It's like how AJ Styles is legit one of the best talents in the world, while still having utterly repugnant political views. I've never liked being forced to throw on the talent/person blinders.
This match obviously doesn't quite come to the heights and hype of the Zayn match. There is a lengthy and not entirely thrilling Aries control segment in the early goings, as he puts Nakamura through a slow, agonizing ringer of unnecessary heat moves. It was the wrong match on the wrong show for that kind of a segment, when it really should have been the balls out bomb tossing boogaloo that was Zayn and Nakamura.
Thankfully, it doesn't last. Once Nakamura recovers and starts getting involved in the match, the pace quickens and the action starts to rise up the level it should have been at all along. Aries shows why he's regarded as the Greatest Man That Ever Lived, while Nakamura continues to be one of the most intriguing acquisitions in recent WWE history. Brilliant stuff in the closing stretch, with some surprisingly violent moves like Aries' DVD to Nak on the ring apron, or the classic Aries missed heat seeking missile spot. It took awhile to get there, but this late bloomer of a match finally came close to what it was supposed to be. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)
This wasn't the best match on the card but, if I'm being honest, this match both intrigued and entertained me the most of any match of the show, if that makes any sense.
This match, both in-ring and out, was a test; how far has Nia Jax improved? Could Asuka have a compelling match with her?
This match was the David/Goliath formula of tried and true millennium-long story telling. The same was true of Jax/Bayley back in London, though while that and this match were both “Big vs. Small” matches, the context of how they played out was quite different. Bayley's match was an “underdog” scrap fest, as the clearly smaller opponent had to find a way to somehow topple the great beast in front of her. This Asuka match was different; it was a battle of attrition, a monster of a woman versus a lethal fighter. Asuka didn't spend the match trying to find hope spots to eke out a victory; she spent the match throwing her body and her arsenal and every single weapon she could think of to take down Jax. It was less survival and more of assault.
While Jax still needs a superior opponent such as Asuka to lead her to watchable bouts, she has shown steady signs of improvement, as this was her best worked match yet. She showed great power as she cast a formidable shadow over her smaller opponent. There was also some nice storytelling as Jax showed she had grown more resilient to submission moves after London, learning better to resist and counter them (though she's still not a fan of the guillotine choke).
Asuka is perhaps one of the most physically charismatic wrestlers in the entire WWE umbrella right now and clear miles above most of the women talent, showing a rarely unmatched amount of passion as she attempted to warrior her way through the larger opponent. Asuka also has some of the best submission transmissions around, employing all sorts of smooth traps on Jax. You also can't help but get clenched fist when a pained but defiant Asuka starts screaming in homicidal Japanese.
The finish was fantastic, and one of my favorites in recent memory as Asuka more or less kicks Jax in the head until she falls to one knee. Jax, still a goliath, still a monster, screams bloody, vengeful murder at Asuka. Asuka, in response, kicks Jax's god damn face out the back of her head for the hard fought victory.
Another enjoyable match from Asuka, another enjoyable match on this card, and another improved step for Nia Jax. This is yet another reminder from NXT as to what women's wrestling could and should be, while on NXT the entire women's revolution falls entirely too predictably apart.
This furthers my prediction/hope for Bayley/Asuka II in Brooklyn, especially since, earlier in the show, Bayley gave the “go get 'em, champ” handshake to Asuka.
I will also use this moment to, again, issue my lament as seemingly the only brave man on Earth that thought Bayley/Asuka I was fucking amazing. Come on, folks.
THIS IS THE END or so I'm told my sources are pretty reliable though so I feel good about sharing this information.
I've been much, much higher on the Balor/Joe feud than some. As I've likely said in the Hype preview, it's been a classic feud with vintage elements from start to finish; betrayal, blood, animosity, good matches, one or two solid interviews – why, there's even a title change on a house show that maybe they should show in full sometime those assholes. Further evidence of the classic booking arrives in the form of the feud blow off match; a steel cage bout to determine who wins it all.
Balor whips out Demon Balor this time, who's entrance consists of him being unable to figure out how to get around a single cage panel. There's a nice little mostly unsaid bit of story here; Balor has defeated (or “survived”) Joe, but only as the Demon. The one time Balor wasn't the Demon (in the fucking house show match they should have shown) he lost everything to Joe. Balor must bring out the Demon in order to defeat Joe.
The match itself strikes a flint, produces sparks, but never sets the raging fire you would hope for, given the stipulation and the escalation. A lot of people (myself included, I think) even wondered if blood was going to be involved after the splatterhouse match the two had in Dallas. This was a cage match with an escape clause, which almost always makes the match less intense, as you have awkward sequences of the wrestler's trying to find ways to escape; or, even better, wrestlers deciding to ignore the easily accessible door or trying to do moves off the top of the cage instead of winning, automatically taking one out of a match, breaking the illusion that is wrestling with refrains of, “the door was right there!” and “what? No! Just climb over!” Fogeys can complain about Ricochet and Ospreay not looking like they want to win a match, but few things are more annoyingly facade breaking than watching wrestlers who supposedly “want to win” turn into Keystone morons when escape is clear and present.
It's still a good match, just perhaps not the guts and glory finale it should have been. The wrestling is fine, and there are a few fun spots. There's also some great throwbacks, like Balor trying to win in the same manner that he did in Dallas. Joe looked monstrous here (when he wasn't trying to leave the front door like he realized he was late for work) and Balor always entertains me (also, the Demon was black and white – a Bullet Club signal? He said, twirling his mustache deviously).
The ending was, at least, a deafening and befitting end, as Joe hits an avalanche muscle buster, ending the feud and, interestingly, giving Demon Balor his first loss. The commentary nails the epilogue: Balor survived Samoa Joe, but Samoa Joe survived the Demon. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
In the aftermath of The End, all that is left are the embers and the questions. What happens to NXT? What is going to happen with the brand split? And Tye? And Almas? Where's AA going? When can Nakamura finally be done wasting away with trash while having the odd dream match here or there? When can I please see Bayley/Asuka II? What's next for Balor? Is this the end?
Who the hell knows. Come what may, The End was a steady, consistent show, perhaps more so than any other TakeOver special in its short history. There are much better TakeOvers (rEvolution, Dallas, Brooklyn) but The End might be the most even handed, having not a single bad match to its name. This is yet another worthy edition to what has been a consistently elite series of NXT specials.
Muscle Match of the Night: Aries vs. Nakamura
Flabby Match of the Night: None! Everyone was strong and beefy!
Wrestler Least Like Most Girls: Nia Jax
Happiest Japanese Person: Nakamura
Murdiest Japanese Person: Asuka
Recognition of Powerslide Excellence: American Alpha
Best Theme Song: Karate by BabyMetal
Best Match Ending: Nia Jax vs. Asuka
Biggest Reaction for a Five Second Appearance: Bayley
Better Than CJ Parker Award: Tye Dillinger
Best Entrance Theme for an Inanimate Object: Using The End as the steel cage closes shut
Dyscalculia Prevention Award: Tye Dillinger and Andrade Almas
This TakeOver is a Better Show Than: Extreme Rules 2016
LUCHA UNDERGROUND 06/01/16
We open up this episode of Lucha styled telenova with Son of Havoc vs. Daga.
I've been in the midst of working my way through the Best of the Super Juniors tournament and I can absolutely say that this match would not seem out of place if it occurred there. Daga is more ground based than Son of Havoc, but both guys are very good, and Daga has done nothing but impress since his debut, though he has something in the realm of negative character. This is Lucha Underground, so likely Daga will get his back story sometime in season five.
Havoc pulls out some spots I hadn't seen awhile, like the flagpole off the corner into a splash move. Kobra Moon is there to continue her lusting escapade of she-creeping all over Daga. Moon even interferes at one point, yet Son of Havoc still wins. I appreciate in LU how interferences does not equate to an instant win for the person being interfered against. Havoc wins, and Kobra Moon slithers her way all over a majorly concerned Daga. It goes on for longer than you would think. It's weird, like every season must have some creeper sexual stuff, like the consent void Angelico/Ivelisse feud that, thankfully, transitioned into something much better. MUSCLE RATING: ***
LU VIGNETTE BECAUSE DIOS LOVES YOU. Rey is training; he is hitting some punching bags to train the most well known offensive asset that Rey possesses, his fists. Dragon Azteka Jr. shows up to reveal to Rey that he has discovered Matanza's cell, though I think that was from well over a month ago, but such is the travel of news in Lucha Underground. DAJ wants revenge, Rey does not. Like the best arguments, this leads to a showy case of kung fu – Kung Fu, as we all know, is how Rey became a world renown Lucha legend. Prince Puma shows up, wondering – rightfully – what the cheese is going on. They say it's none of his business. They Lucha kung fu (Kung Lu?) at Puma. Puma growls every time there's a strike, and I wonder how his cousin King 2 is doing in the Iron Fist tournaments. Puma says that they have a match so it does concern him. Rey and DAJ wither in the light of Puma's logic. They get ready to go.
Next match is the trios rematch. It's the current champions of the Dick Kickers: Mundo, Black, and Evans, defending their title against the Kung LUchas of Rey, DAJ, and Puma. It's another great match, which you're about prepared for because all six of these individuals are supremely talented. I'm not all in on Jack Evans like many are, but even I have to admit his character of “actual lucha prick” garners much entertainment. Dick Kickers live up to their name as they kick more dicks, angering Puma so much that he blatantly delivers a Prince Puma Penis Punt to Mundo, getting he and his team disqualified. Then, Puma kicks the Canadian out of Taya. Internal conflict amongst the Kung LUchas? A heel turn for Puma, who still and forever will be without his master? Will there be any dicks safe in the Temple now?
Fun match, with even the dick kickin' being in-character. Lots of modern heelery occurring here. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
Dragon Azteka Jr.-- pretty much over that whole “getting kicked in the dick” thing – travels down to the Temple depths to confront the caged Matanza. Black Lotus – seemingly still on the LU payroll – arrives to stop DAJ. DAJ says Matanza killed their parents. Lotus says Dragon Azteka Sr. killed her parents. DAJ insists it's not true.
It's main event time, as Cage cashes in his Gift of the Gods title to take on the sullen likes of Matanza.
I'm sure I've said this before, but I've never been big on Cage, but he has done nothing but impress these last several weeks, most recently having an exceptional match with Chavo. Here we possibly get Cage's – and definitely Matanza's – best match in LU yet. Lucha Underground has done hoss matches the best way they could be done, with shock-wave inducing action, like stubborn planets colliding until one of them's been ground to dust.
It's a Lucha strong-style match. Cage not only looks intense here, he actually enters with a game plan of trying to out-speed and out-agility the champion. We see lucha drags and hurricanrana's from Cage of all people. On top of this, Cage by far seems like the one man who could truly match – and, possibly, surpass – Matanza in strength. More than even in the Muertes matches, Matanza actually appears to be on the ropes against Cage; his offense is like hurling tractor trailers at a wooly mammoth. It's a meat clash of an epic caliber, as Matanza recovers and reminds you that he is possessed by a literal murderous Aztek god.
There are several close moments here, several times when you thought that Cage was going to upturn the entire Temple. In what almost felt like a desperation victory, Matanza hits his finisher out of nowhere and retains, in what must be his most intense match yet. In sterling contrast to Matanza's string of dominating victories, Cage looked like he only just barely lost that night.
God damn. God damn. Fantastic stuff. The best LU match since Star/Mariposa. Just like how I said earlier that Havoc/Daga could easily be inserted in a BOSJ match, you could just as easily see this match transplanted into a heavyweight, bomb throwing G1 Climax match, especially where Matanza and Cage don't trade blows so much as they trade German suplexes. Again, great stuff. MUSCLE RATING: ****
And that's it! What more could you need after that? Go home and hug your loved ones.
LUCHA UNDERGROUND 06/08/16
There's been a notable uptick in Black Lotus appearances. She enters Dario's office to inform him that Dragon Azteka Jr. wants to kill Matanza (which, honestly, I don't even understand why Dario would ever dare be worried, as it would be like someone being afraid a paper airplane is going to take down the battleship YAMATO). She starts to wonder if maybe Dario – noted man of respectability and honesty – is perhaps lying about who killed her parents. She says if this is the case, she'll have to report her findings to the Black Lotus Triad, whom I would assume would be too busy dealing with Uncle Iroh. Dario – an angel amongst men – says she's wrong. He books her in a match against Dragon Azteka Jr. and wants her to take his mask. Also, this match is not happening tonight...
It's happening at Ultima Lucha Dos!
So the first match booked for ULD is between a new comer and a woman who has been there nearly the entire series and has never actually wrestled?
Well, LU has done sillier things.
Melissa Santos has the distinct displeasure of announcing whacked out wrestler and probable Brock Turner supporter, Marty the Moth. He proceeds his usual creeping on Santos, who lets out an audible groan. He ties up Killshot's dog tags and calls him out. He responds. They brawl, as the moth is the natural enemy to former special forces members. Their encounter is brutal but brief, as the ref counts them out in minutes. Killshot gets his tags back, but then receives a German from Moth. This strange feud of questionable motives continues on. Can't even count this as a match.
Over at the BHPD, Mr. Cisco is handcuffed in an interrogation room. He is, would you believe, super irked about finding out his friend and his two partners were actually undercover cops. Inspector Lady wants him to wear a wire to take down Dario Cueto. He refuses, until he relents. She tells him that not only is Dario linked to drug smuggling and money laundering, but that he is a “lynch pin” to the end of days.
God dammit. Can I please watch a wrestling show where they are not trying to shove Baron Corbin down my throat?
Lucha Underground loves you more than God does. The evidence is clear: God gives you suffering and pain and Fox News; Lucha Underground gives you a fucking Nunchucks Match. When has God ever given you a Nunchucks Match? Hes/She has never done such a thing; instead, God killed your grandma and gave you that weird growth that has prevented you from finding true love. Worship Lucha Underground, deny false idols!
It's like the writers looked over their season two notes and realized they never had a proper blow off to the Black/Evans/Aerostar/Drago nunchuck bathroom fight which, we can all agree, is not only one of the defining moments of season two but a seminal moment in all of recorded history. If you remember, these two teams went at it months ago, and with very little in between it's time to wrap up this dangling thread in the best and only way possible: a Nunchuck Match.
Said match is very simple: nunchucks are hanging everywhere now use those bastards and win. PJ Black and Jack Evans come out; Evans takes the mic and calls himself the dragon slayer. Drago and Aerostar arrives, with Drago donning his finest Baron of Hell mask to celebrate the new Doom game.
The match itself is the kind of wild brawl, fighting into the stands cluster funk of a match you would expect and likely hope for. The premise is silly, and the match does nothing to shy away from this fact. The nunchuks make quality sounds when they hit their opponents (and it's obvious that Drago uses these weapons quite a bit).
This is pretty rough wrestling wise, but you almost don't care seeing as how it's really four wrestlers who are fun to watch jumping on each other and beating each other up with the weapon of the eighties. The whole brawl, in fact, feels like the kind of ridiculous scene you would find on grainy old VHS tapes from weirdo movies you can only find on click bait listicle sites of “Craziest Fight Scenes From the Eighties,” which is pretty much the LU aesthetic.
The feud finally ends when Drago pours mist on Jack Evans (and I must emphasize, the angle the shot the misting at was incredible, with droplets of the stuff pouring down on the camera) and then proceeds to pin him with the Whip of the Dragon's Tail pinning finisher. This was a fun match, far from the best, but enjoyable if you take it as spectacle. This likely was a blast live.
I will give special commendation for one part: when Black and Evans do their Wyld Stallyons air guitar bit, there is actually a fucking guitar sound. I assumed it was a post production addition, but I've also read that sometimes the live bands will play it when they see them perform the move. Either way, it's quintessential Lucha Underground and already has my vote for gimmick of the year. MUSCLE RATING: ***
Next is the First Annual Dario Cueto What The Fuck Ever Cluster Shit Invitational Six on Six Hell Fest!
It's a six on six match. The winning team will then face each other in a six way match next week. The winner gets the unfortunate honor of challenging Matanza for the LU title in Ultima Lucha Dos.
Because Dario Cueto is a professional bastard of the highest caliber, he has not only mixed up the face/heel dynamic but even has some partners facing each other. We have Fenix, Ivelisse, King Cuerno, Johnny Mundo, Taya and Chavo Guerrero vs. Prince Puma, Rey Mysterio, Son of Havoc, Sexy Star, Texano and The Mack.
RING THE BELL!
Wait, no. As Chavo comes out, Pentagon Jr. wheels up right behind him. He says that Chavo was the only one who reached out to him while Pentagon was nursing his wounds from the loss to Matanza. Chavo appreciates that. Except Pentagon must destroy Chavo. And he does. He attacks the lesser Guerrero and breaks his arm. Dario Cueto comes out (with Black Lotus, who must be confused as to what a wrestling ring looks like) and inserts him into the match, but with a warning regarding his defeat at the beefy hands of Matanza.
RING THE BELL!
This season, more than I think was even true of last season, seems filled to the brim with multi-man matches. Which is fine, because LU does multi-man chaos match quite well, and this one is no exception. You're here for the popcorn, soda and flips; psychology and intricate arm-bars are best left in the lobby. There's no rest here as the two teams pile on to each other, performing dives and topes with the most reckless of abandon. You get some interesting match ups like Ivelisse and Son of Havoc, Mack and Pentagon Jr., Cuerno and Mysterio.
This is a great little match, perfect in its knowing self; it's as crazy as it should be, as wild as it should be, and it is not too long or too short – the multi-man lucha porridge of wrestling. Mundo is able to punk out both Rey and Puma (is their conflict there? I want there to be conflict there) and cinches the win for his team. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
Next week: Johnny Mundo vs. Ivelisse vs. Pentagon Jr. vs. Taya vs. King Cuerno vs. Fenix! With the winner challenging for the title! May Lucha Underground have mercy on you all.
(it won't)
Meanwhile at the swank swag palace of King Cuerno, the remains of Mil Muertes rests behind a glass enclosure. That is, until Katrina shows up and wills Mil back to life. This is the third evolution of Muertes – you can tell by his new, red eyes. He head butts his way out of the glass. Somewhere, Cuerno worriedly wonders about the quality of his home insurance.
All-Japan Women's Pro-Wrestling Classics #4
Episode #4 - Date: 2/25-1985 (Ota Ward Gymnasium)
The first Classic appearance of legendary murder woman, Bull Nakano! Here, before she obtained one of the greatest theme songs of all time – Boss of the World – she looks like a boss character from Final Fight, like part two or three. Yamazaki of Jumping Bomb Angels fame comes in clutching the title like a grandmother clutching her purse while walking down the rough end of town. Little does she know, that the town?
It's Metro City.
I'm going to guess Nakano is part of Dump's army, the latest homicidal amazon to terrorize AJW. Nakano is like seventeen here. Nakano has some title here – not sure which.
You face someone from Dump's crew, well, this is the result you're gonna get. The portly cheat ref is here, allowing Dump and her army to aid Nakano in busting up poor Itsuki. Itsuki is awesome, however, and we get this nice dichotomy between the incredibly athletic, technically skilled Itsuki trying to out fly and out wrestle the brutal Nakano, who bites and scratches and even tries to choke Itsuki out with her own hair.
Itsuki suffers some knee damage, but it's not enough for her to stop flying all over the ring to try and stop Nakano. Eventually, it seems like the entire calamity coterie of Dump's collection of craven curs stomp on Itsuki, leading to a touching scene as, I think, her partner Tetano lies atop Itsuki, trying to protect her partner from harm. This is too much even for sinister portly ref and he throws the match. Itsuki is still champ, much to the crowd's delight. There's only so many ways I can describe the carnage inherent in anything relating to Dump Matsumoto. There are even less ways for me to say, “fun match, but that DUMP interference though...” MUSCLE RATING: ***
Itsuki cuts a promo. Even in Japanese, I have to assume it's better than Reigns.
Tag Team Match
Jaguar Yokuta & Devil Masami vs. Jumbo Hori & Yukari Ohmori
It's been awhile since we've seen Yokuta since losing her hair and getting some revenge on La Galactica. Yokuta – innovator of what we now know as the Jay Driller AND the Jackhammer – teams with Devil Masami, who always sounded to me like she was a hidden character from the Tekken games. Masami is yet another joshi legend I only know by reputation. Here, they take on the Dynamite Girls.
Kinetic is the AJW's entire being. These four women have a high impact, full throttle sprint for about fifteen minutes. There were no dull points, just a quarter hour of fantastic wrestling by fantastic wrestlers. Dynamite Girls were great, but the true focus was the all-star team of Yokuta and Masami who honestly embarrass the Girls somewhat. Yokuta is amazing and her status as an all-timer is put on display here, but Masami was the one I could not look away from. Living up to her name, she spent the match torturing her opponents and reveling in their pain, and had some brilliant facial expressions, better than even most of the wrestlers today. Always with a sinister grin, Masami and her zebra print getup ruined lives out there. How was wrestling this damn good in the eighties? MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)
WWWA Tag Team Championship
Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka (c) vs. Dump Matsumoto & Crane Yu
THE motherfuckin' Crush Gals put it all on the line against Dump and – I guess – her number two, Crane Yu. I haven't even seen the match yet, and I'm already thinking about the volume of interference and run-ins banging at the gates. Chunky nefarious ref leads the charge as Dump's army takes the ring; the adorably Bull Nakano, La Galactica, some masked man I don't know, Crane Yu and Dump herself.
The Crush Gals arrive. Before even the competitors could be announced the army assaults the Gals, and Chigusa is already bleeding. Things finally settle enough for the announcements. It seems chunk ref is being thrown by the wayside in favor of slender, good guy ref! The crowd erupts.
This whole beginning is one of the most riveting damn preludes to a match I've ever seen. Dump and Crane sit in their corner, shouldered by the army. Asuka is staring death and destruction at the army in the Gals' corner, while a robed, bloodied Chigusa stands on the top rope. Both sides are waving flags. There are enough streamers in the ring to throw a party for the Bolivian army. A blood drenched Chigusa in prime zero-fucks mood is yelling and pointing at the army. I'm on the edge of my seat, I'm ready for all manner of shit to go down and they are still announcing who's in the match. I don't know how this show keeps doing this to me.
The match itself is decent, but all of the infused hype liquid sets it into overdrive. Dump and Crane are going to use every dirty trick and cheat in the book – and then, use the damn book itself. The Gals are dead set on straight killing the army. The Gals look like veritable superstars here (which they really were) as they take every ounce of fight in the world to Dump and Crane. Chigusa must have one of the fiercest, most volatile comebacks I've ever seen in wrestling; this effect is further amplified by her yelling, her passion, her not even caring that blood is pouring from her head.
We get the usual Dump antics, as the army interferes constantly, even with good guy ref in the ring. They attempt to overpower and intimidate, but those are lesser tactics in the face of the motherfucking Crush Gals. Cheating helps the army get the first fall; wrestling and being the biggest bad asses on he planet allow the Gals to even up. At some point, Asuka gets bloodied up, more so even than Chigusa. If there are two people in history who have no time to bleed, it is the members of the Crush Gals.
Unfortunately, the army are straight bastards. Using pipes, and – in what is performed in a surprisingly horrific manner – a pair of scissors, which the army uses to stab Chigusa repeatedly in the head, and then use it to cut off some of her hair as Asuka attempts in vain to reach her partner. The ending is suitably heartbreaking: masked man knocks out good-guy ref, allowing bad fat ref to (somehow?) count the pin on Chigusa, who had been laid out by multiple spiked piledrivers as Crane had Asuka restrained by the neck in the corner. It's a wretched way to lose the title, but the job is done. Dump and Crane finally have the tag titles.
I legitimately do not know what happens next, but even more than with Yokuta and Galactica I need to see the Gals get their revenge on the purest scum on the planet, Dump and her army.
Again, not the best wrestling match, but AJPW must have some of the greatest story telling I've ever seen in wrestling. I'm stoked for matches that occurred when I was three years old. When I don't accidentally see Mexican cartel executions or a comment thread from a Reddit post dealing with race, I extol the glory and wonder of having the internet and being able to see some of the finest wrestling in history. MUSCLE RATING: ****
I need to unwind by watching the latest night of the Best of the Super Juniors.
All Japan Women's Pro-Wrestling Classics #5
This week's episode concerns the Fuji TV Cup League.
I do not have a single god damn idea what that is.
Much of my research has been bogged down with frantic searching bringing me back nothing but details of a similarly named soccer league. Soccer, as science has proven, is boring and dumb and terrible, so this is disheartening, but not surprising.
I can only assume that it was a tournament of some kind, likely a round robin tournament, because Japanese wrestling loves them some round robin league tournaments.
What's interesting to note this week is that all the matches are singles matches – not a tag in sight. It's strange, especially living in the now, to see promotions where the tag titles were not only major boons but the probable top titles in their promotions.
There is still a tag influence in this League however, as each of the three matches tonight features allies actually battling against each other. It makes for an interesting dynamic. In American wrestling, especially in the WWE, tag teams fighting against themselves nearly always leads to a breakup of some kind (I contend that the Barbershop window incident between HBK and Marty was one of the worst thing to happen to mainstream American tag wrestling). In Japan especially, tag members fight each other all the time (KENTA and Marafuji comes to mind) and always reform for the next go round. I've always liked that friend/rival/frival (goes west) mentality, and Japan excels at it, possibly because it might be central to their cultural cornerstones.
But not everyone will get along...
Date: 4/2-1985 (Aichi)
Fuji Cup League Match
Jumbo Hori vs. Yukari Omori
THE DYNAMITE GIRLS EXPLODE
AJW back then was pretty much a fashion statement for striped, eighties swimsuits, as it seemed to dominate the apparel of the competitors (Mimi Higwara and her slinky wrestling prom getup not withstanding). I cannot be sure, but it sounded like Bull Nakano was on commentary. Hori apparently had an injured back, as Omori tenaciously rips at her bandages. Hori, in turn, targets Omori's knees.
The Dynamite Girls as a team are awesome, but seem to have little to no chemistry actually working against each other. The match has a dull, stuttering pace, and the moves always seem half performed. It's still decent when you get past the frayed edges, but it's still a jerky match. Both wrestlers look tired. Perhaps due to this tiredness, Hori actually hits some kind of proto Ganso Bomb on Omori that does not look pleasant. Hori wins. You're going to get a MUCH better version of this dynamic later in the show. MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
Date: 4/26-1985 (Kashima)
Fuji Cup League Match
Dump Matsumoto vs. Crane Yu
Gokuaku Domei explodes!
Also, what I've been referring to as “Dump's Army” is actually called Gokuaku Domei.
First thing's first: the story of this match is far more interesting than the match itself. From some research I've gathered, Dump and Crane were already on the outs, so a match between the two would yield particular results. Shiro Abe, the slightly rotund, butthole ref that has aided the Domei stable to many unearned victories, is reffing this match, which made me even further intrigued. He chases off cameramen with packets of t-shirts.
Dump and Crane go at it. Dump is within fifty miles of this match, so it nearly instantly turns into a brawl with heavy amounts of cheating. What makes this more than your usual Dump antics is that this is against a fellow member and the person running in is the young protege, Bull Nakano. I wonder if Crane was upset that Dump wanted to replace her with Nakano? Whatever the case, Nakano incessantly runs in and assaults Yu. There's weapons involved, of course, and Crane starts to bleed all over. It gets so bad, that even fucking Shiro Abe tries to get Dump to stop before she slaps him down.
The fans are actually getting behind Crane, cheering her on and chanting her name as she valiantly fights against the evil Dump and her fresh faced minion Nakano. In one of my favorite parts of the match, Yu finally has enough of Nakano and straight pummels her with a chair and spits in her face. Nakano eventually retorts.
Finally, after just too much damn violence Abe calls for the bell, though the result is somewhat nebulous. A bloody Yu gets on the mic and spits what I presume to be the hottest fire at Bull and Dump. There's a scuffle and a pull apart. I think it's safe to say that Crane Yu is done with Gokuaku Domei.
Research tells me this match was right around Yu's retirement, so this was probably their way of sending her off on a high note, with the fans behind her. The match itself is nothing as far as wrestling goes, but the story that played out during was well worth the watch. This was some incredible, effective story telling, and I don't even know a lick of Japanese. MUSCLE RATING: ***
Date: 4/6-1985 (Korakuen Hall)
Fuji Cup Leage Match
Lioness Asuka vs. Chigusa Nagayo
THE CRUSH GALS EXPLODE!
Take all of my previous issues with the Dynamite Girls match, turn it around, kick it out of the front door, send it to the gym, have it angrily work out over a clip set to your favorite brand of montage music and have it come back a golden Greek god. What you'll get is this match.
The fans are apoplectic, as you would expect when the most popular tag team faces off against one another. A veritable rainbow of streamers are poured in for both, as the term “fever pitch” becomes meaningless at this, the height of religious fan frenzy.
What follows next is a match that had me giddy to the point of pain, an experience similar to the legendary Crush Gals/Dynamite Girls match this show had on a week or two ago. It's fast paced, vicious, skillful, a true display of wrestling prowess. There's a great story wrapped in the fabric of this match as well. Everyone loves the Gals, but Chigusa is clearly the popular one. Asuka responds to this obvious turn of events by unleashing an unrelenting barrage of kicks and strikes to Chigusa, often to the point of heelish malice. Chigusa eventually responds in kind.
The first chunk of this match is dedicated to the stalemate from two top tier wrestlers who also know each other, in and out. After a breaking point, the two throw everything they can at each other, bombs and submissions, trying to keep the other down long enough to stake their claim for victory. Eventually time decides for the two of them, as the time limit is reached and the match is declared a draw.
I cannot gush much more about this match. These two work well together and , shock of shocks, just as wondrously against each other. The match doesn't even feel half as long as the two tear into each other, and often times you wonder if these two ever got along. This match has some of my favorite “receipts” in a match, with German suplexes answered with German suplexes, reverse piledrivers for reverse piledrivers. It's like Hammurabi was the agent for this match. Great, great, great stuff. At the end, the two hug each other in the middle of the ring, perhaps receiving the biggest praise and fanfare of the night. AJW has excelled at giving me these reassurances of my wrestling fandom, and this match was no different. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4 (OMEGA MUSCLE)
STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:
Best of the Super Juniors 2016
Night Seven:
Dave Finlay vs. Gedo: **1/2
BUSHI vs. Rocky Romero: ***1/2
Matt Sydal vs. Kyle O'Reilly: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)
KUSHIDA vs. Ruysuke Taguchi: **** ¼ (STRONG MUSCLE)
Night Eight:
Chase Owens vs. Trent Beretta: **1/2
Will Ospreay vs. Tiger Mask IV: ***1/4
Bobby Fish vs. Voldaor Jr.: ***3/4
Ricochet vs. Jushin Thunder Liger: ***3/4
Night Nine:
BUSHI vs. Dave Finlay: ***
Rocky Romero vs. Matt Sydal: ***1/2
KUSHIDA vs. Gedo: ***1/2
Ryusuke Taguchi vs. Kyle O'Reilly: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE, though it's super tragic to see KO having to tap out to Taguchi, I don't care how great Taguchi's been in this tournament)
Night Ten:
Chase Owens vs. Volador Jr.: ***3/4
Jushin Thunder Liger vs. Tiger Mask: *3/4
Bobby Fish vs. Will Ospreay: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)
Ricochet vs. Trent Beretta: ****
Night Eleven:
Dave Finlay vs. Kyle O'Reilly: ***3/4
Rocky Romero vs. Gedo: **1/4 (funny as hell)
BUSHI vs. Ryusuke Taguchi: ***1/4
Matt Sydal vs. KUSHIDA: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)
Night Twelve:
Tiger Mask vs. Trent Beretta: **3/4
Jushin Thunder Liger vs. Will Ospreay: ****
Bobby Fish v. Chase Owens: ***1/4
Ricochet vs. Volador Jr.: ***3/4
Night Thirteen:
BLOCK A:
Trent Beretta vs. Jushin Thunder Liger: ***
Bobby Fish vs. Tiger Mask: ***3/4
Chase Owens vs. Ricochet: ***1/4
Will Ospreay vs. Volador Jr.: *** 3/4
BLOCK B:
Rocky Romero vs. Kyle O'Reilly: ****
Matt Sydal vs. Dave Finlay: ***1/2
Ryusuke Taguchi vs. Gedo: ***1/4
KUSHIDA vs. BUSHI: ****
BOSJ FINALS:
Will Ospreay vs. Ryusuke Taguchi: ****1/2 (STRONG MUSCLE)
What a god damn tournament.
The general consensus seems to be that this BOSJ was one of the best in recent years, and – having watch the entire thing – I can attest that this year was high quality. Ryusuke Taguchi really showed the hell up on nearly every night he wrestled; once he eschews his mostly terrible (though likely culturally targeted) comedy, his match quality always increases by factors of magnitude. While I still think there were far better potential match ups coming out of his block, he had a splendid outing in the finals, a match bolstered by the energetic thunder of his hometown crowd.
Will Ospreay is a made man (not in the Pesci way, thankfully). If ever there was a coming out party for a wrestler, this was tournament was in; he had consistently great performances and the compelling storyline of having to fight from a deficit to win his block. As the series grew closer to a definitive end, more and more statisticians started playing out odds and scenarios. As more and more competitors were mathematically eliminated from heading to the finals, outcomes were drawn up, leading to a very tight race for the Aerial Assassin. The scenarios played themselves out, and not only did Ospreay reach the finals but he won the entire tournament, securing him a title shot and making him even more of a superstar in NJPW than he was after his debuting showing against KUSHIDA.
Let's also not forget the crux of the tournament, the flashpoint that this entire BOSJ will be known for: Ricochet vs. Ospreay.
I've already written plenty about this match, as have many others. With the incredible talent on display and all of the controversy swarming around it like a Hitchcockian aviary, fueling discussions about what wrestling “is” and “is not,” the match became a viral sensation, coming so far as to even show up on ESPN and major news outlets' front pages. NJPW even made the match free for a week.
A memorable tournament, one that has set nearly insurmountable highs for the Super J Cup and the WWE CWC to reach. BOSJ XXIII – its success, its apex quality – has me even more hype for the much anticipated NJPW G1 Climax later in the summer.
Other BOSJ bits:
I'm not high on Chase Owens, but he was at least a fine replacement for one half of the injured Bucks. Dave Finlay has really grown into an exceptional talent, having a great go at it replacing the other injured Buck. Truth is, Owens and Finlay likely provided far better matches than either of the Bucks would have in a singles capacity. Also, Finlay finally gets a win!
BUSHI was decent, I guess, but I don't understand why so many were gunning for a BOSJ win. It's likely because he's simply a member of Los Ingobernables de Japon, the New Japan stable that's hotter than the Bullet Club.
Other notable wrestlers: Both members of reDragon being stupendous bastards, as always. Interesting to note tha KO wants to bulk up and compete in the heavyweight division. Volador Jr. was great, Rocky Romero showed how talented and diverse he was (even bringing back one of my favorite finishers, the Diablo Arm-bar). Ricochet, of course, was elite, and Sydal was quite brilliant. Liger is Liger, and it's hard to give better praise than that.
GREAT STUFF.
Fortune Dream 3
Hiroyo Matsumoto vs. Kairi Hojo: ****
RPW
Kurt Angle vs. Zack Sabre Jr.: ****
A much anticipated match up, even though it wound up being a glorified “Best Of” Kurt Angle video, though that's not an indictment. Far, far too short for what it was, these two did pack in a TON of action in the ten or fewer minutes that the contest stood for. I would love to see Angle throw in with more matches away from TNA, but I have a feeling instances such as that will be few and far in between. Still, glad I watched it.
OBLIQUE MUSCLES:
The WWE has released a damned cavalcade of names for the CWC – pretty much the entire list. I genuinely do not know enough about a good half of the competitors to give any worthwhile information, but there are a good number of bios and such on the WWE website right here: http://www.wwe.com/section/cruiserweight-classic-competitors
Regardin the previous: the web design is AWFUL, and actually might not show all of the information on some phones/browsers. Here's a better, simplified list: https://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/4nwfz5/30_out_of_the_32_participants_for_the_cwc_are_all/
Regarding THAT previous: some interesting names, like Ibushi, Gran Metalik (Mascara Dorada), Tajiri, Kendrick, Cedric Alexander (which we kinda new already), Tyson Dux, an Ariya Daivari, who is apparently Shawn Daivari's brother. Huh. Of note: Andrade is not on the list, throwing the commonplace belief that this was a showcase for the former La Sombra into turmoil.
Nikki Bella looks to be wrestling again by summer's end. Well, it was good while it lasted, I guess. Actual ugh.
I hate John Cena promos. The only one of his promos I ever liked was when he verbally curb-stomped poor Randy Orton on the title ascension Raw, the one most famous for the Seattle crowd going chimp feces over Daniel Bryan
I miss Daniel Bryan Danielson
Misawa died seven years ago yesterday. Time to drown myself in Misawa matches.
Obviously the next issuing of Flex Muscle is going to be another double wide, well endowed edition. It's going to have two weeks of AJW, ROH, LU, and NXT.
Speaking of NXT, (it's almost like he saved that one for last to engage in some form of primitive segue!) this Hype Muscle is going to be fast and dirty like your mom – whom I've heard is actually a very pleasant woman who's past and history are hers and hers alone and should not be impugned on or otherwise invaded by, well, anyone really.
Tonight is the end is the beginning is the end, as NXT promises another great card with NXT TakeOver: The End!
The “The End” tag has led to much speculation, some of which I have addressed in a previous Flex. It has all of the encroaching speculative dread of a comic book promising a finale or the death of a character. Like a comic book, the “The End' title is likely mostly for show. No doubt the NXT episodes right after this will be a “Point One” release, a sort of reset with the roster likely being absconded off with to fill the ranks of both main rosters after the inevitable and divisive (in every sense of the word) brand split.
This card has flown somewhat under the radar of many, some of which could be ascribed to a lack of interest following (and in some cases, even preceding) the fantastic Dallas TakeOver. It would be hard to blame someone for their being over NXT; even before Dallas, the show was idling on the runway, killing time in between the large gaps between London and Dallas – I say this, even as someone who was not as down on the post London, pre-Dallas shows as many others.
Since Dallas, the show had become, at times, dreadful, just a bore, which is impressive considering Baron Corbin had mostly gone to the main roster after Mania. Endless wastes of talent going against the likes of Elias Samson and time wasting squash matches dominated the television time. It's the main sacrifice of A) having “live specials” and B) increasing the number of “live specials”; you take away from each week's episode potentially have an incredible match or two, because you know it's going to get saved for the specials.
Still, even with the depletion of their ranks, and even with the promise of more graduated talent to come, this card looks pretty decent. It's essentially “NXT TakeOver: Backlash,” but the two big rematches – Joe/Balor, American Alpha/Revival – are promising, as their respective past matches have been fantastic. It's a well rounded card, I think, and might surprise people.
But enough idle chit and chat!
Andrade “Cien” Almas vs. Tye Dillenger
I don't even see how Tye can win. He's the perfect ten, but Almas is “one hundred” for whatever reason.
This is Almas' debut match, and he is ushered in against Tye who clearly has become the new CJ Parker in his absence. This is fine for both, as Tye can work with anyone, and Almas has a lot of potential at being the newest big star that WWE will inevitably waste. What's great about someone like Tye is that he can even make squash matches (which this will be a glorified form of) interesting. This will likely be a good introduction of Almas.
MUSCLE PREDICTION: The most beautiful man, Andrade.
MUSCLE HYPE: fairly decent. The potential of a scrawny kid who just received his first batch of weights, protein shakes, and a mac truck of HGH.
This is a rematch from the fantastic Dallas bout. The build to this has been simple: Revival are pissed that they lost the belts and want a rematch. It's simple, though this story reeks more of a last minute throw on following the NXT TV narrative than some grand build. Still, these two teams are fantastic and fantastic with each other. It's going to be heelin' and suplexing for about ten to fifteen minutes, and this will no doubt be another fun bout between the two.
I'm sticking with AA retaining – there is a kernel of wavering trust in that theory, however, considering the approaching brand split and the fact that the Revival just had a shock loss to GarCiampa on NXT. It's possible AA could get called up in the draftpocalypse. But I'll play it safe, because I'm boring like Baron Corbin, and stick with my initial decision.
MUSCLE PREDICTION: American Alpha
MUSCLE HYPE: Fairly high. Jacked, like the “do not approach in a dark or even a lit alley just avoid this person okay” kind of jacked. The “society is scared of your being” kind of jacked.
Look, I am going to be quite engorged with saltiness if Jax winds up winning. Asuka is one of the best personalities in the ring, and has a magnetic charm inside and out. She's also deserving of a nice title run. Nia Jax has improved since her debut, but the success of this match will still rely heavily on Asuka in getting the best out of her.
I think you'll get a different dynamic from this than you will from the Jax/Bayley match in London; there is still an underdog feel in this match, but there's much more of a “deadly challenge” factor as the undefeated Asuka faces her potentially most lethal opponent to date – think more a Danielson/Morishima, perhaps, though with a great disparity of talent. It will be fun, I think, to see Asuka whittling Jax down. I still am running with my prediction that Asuka retains to set up the big Bayley/Asuka rematch in Brooklyn at summer's end.
MUSCLE PREDICTION: Asuka
MUSCLE HYPE: High middle, low high. Like a dad who has a “dad bod” that's way better than traditional dad bods, like so much so you wonder if you should still call it a dad bod. He'll never pose for a beefcake magazine...or maybe he could, you know? Hey, is your dad home?
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Austin Aries
A personal dream match for me, the kind you classify in the “never thought it could ever happen” folder. Honestly, I never even conceived of such a pairing, but it's coming, and it's coming tonight (much like your dad, although I could be misreading the situation).
The story is another simple plot, one that has been mostly thrown together in recent episodes; Aries is pissed that he's being overshadowed by Nakamura who, despite how incredible he's been, has been mostly kneeing terrible people in the face for a few months, which might not be the worst thing to do.
Nakamura is great to the point of needing to say almost nothing to build up his aura and abilities. Aries is nowhere near as popular, and his real life persona is – problematic – but, kept strictly to a wrestling medium, the man has always been great, and I have little doubt he will exceed here. Plus, it could serve as a nice showcase of what Aries can do when he's not being forced to get beat down by Baron Corbin, of whom I now promise to never mention his name again for the rest of the preview.
It won't have the sheer golden hype factor of the Zayn match, but I think these two are going to deliver a solid followup.
MUSCLE PREDICTION: lol Kinshasa lol
MUSCLE HYPE: High. Dense. Like the musculature of Terry Crews compacted into a man the size of Peter Dinklage. I swear I'm not talking about Austin Aries.
This is it. This is the end. Not the kind of “the end” where you get high on drugs and listen to music about killing your family while you stalk the jungles of Vietnam and remark how eerily similar your mission has been to the plot of the book Heart of Darkness, though you're close.
Of all the matches, this match has had the biggest, longest, and best build up. Joe made a splash when he debuted last year, though to be honest, his early NXT run didn't get but so wet. He truly started to find his footing during the Dusty Classic tournament, which he won with his partner, Balor. Annoyed with his perception of Balor as someone who kept finding ways to not give Joe a title shot, he turned and eventually got his chance in London. The two had a great match, but Balor kept the title.
Joe worked his way back up to contention, knocking off challengers like Sami Zayn, this time challenging Balor in Dallas. What followed was a memorable blood fest of a match, one in which Balor won – barely. The running theme was that Balor was only just surviving the Samoan juggernaut, eking out win after win. This trend would cease during a house show in LOL, Mass, in an as-of-yet fully un-aired match (which I am totally not still fucking shit fuck mad about I swear) in which Balor would lose the title to Joe, a shocking event that sent waves throughout NXT.
Now, it's Balor's turn to go on the offensive. After a locker room clearing, pull apart brawl during yet another house show, Regal decided that, after the brawl and the bloody, chaos strung events of Dallas, that the title would be defended at The End – this time, in an NXT first: a steel cage.
Personally, I've loved the entire Joe/Balor feud, even enjoying their first match, which some folks were not as hot on. It's another classic, simple formula, and one that has been calculated and crafted as oppose to some of the ramshackle stories cobbled together that some of the other matches have. It's got betrayal, blood, and two immensely talented performers. Joe in particular has become perhaps the most vicious and most intimidating he's been since his world champion days in Ring of Honor, and it's nice to see him back to form nearly a decade later.
I also appreciate the old school minding of this event; the finale is a steel cage match. Nowadays, cage matches are pretty much the first match in a feud, their impact lessened over the years thanks to spotty booking and an over reliance (looking at you, ladder matches). Back then, they were treated as true, match ending spectacles; things had to get pretty violent to warrant a cage match. You always got the feeling that the promoters were tired of other wrestlers and crowd members getting hurt in the path of two competitor's destructive hate-fuck spiral. Now, it's come to this; put the two mad dogs in a cage and let the last beast standing win. The cage match wasn't just, “it's time for a stipulation match.” The cage match was the final straw of an exasperated promotion. It was throwing knives in a pit of psycho killer cannibals and shutting the lid. And now, here, at TakeOver, a cage match is “the end.”
We'll see what happens to the victor – and NXT as whole –when the cage is lifted.
MUSCLE PREDICTION: Again, it's a game of roster splits. I think we finally get the main card rendition of the Demon, so I pick Samoa Joe as the last face you see before whatever happens next to NXT.
MUSCLE HYPE: High. Like eighties Schwarzenegger at the gym when he hears that a Stallone movie just overtook his latest action romp.
(Now fucking introduce Athena you slug scums!)
MUSCLE MUSEUM
Flex Muscle #15: Extreme Rules and Every God Damn Thing Else
[7,148 words]
Ton of crap today. This week’s edition includes: Extreme Rules, Lucha Underground, NXT, Ring of Honor (sorta) with quick ratings for the Best of the Super Junior tournament. And even more than that!
I’m not going to tell you how long it took me to write all of this.
WWE Extreme Rules
Pre-Show
Baron Corbin vs. Dolph ZIggler
No DQ
As good as it was memorable, meaning not at all and not at all. It was an inert match, void of meaning and worth, with meaning being utterly absent from the ten or so minutes this thing took place. Not that I was expecting anything from this match, but it was too low caliber for even a pre-show bout. I can’t believe I live in a world where I can see this match as much as I want but I will be unable to see Asuka vs. Bayley and Natalya in the Japanese house shows in a month’s time. Cruel world, nothing match.
MUSCLE RATING: **
The Usos vs. The Club
Tornado Tag Match
This match went about as predicted, which is not exactly a problem. It was a fine and capable flurry of offense, though Karl Anderson was oddly absent for much of the match. This match alone is better than just about any match I can remember involving Gallows in his New Japan days. That says little, nearly nothing at all, but at least this match was a nice little piece of brawling. Gallows’ pants are nice, as they hide the fact that he has legs like a shaved toothpick. I can’t even say he has chicken legs; they’re more like chicken bones actively being gnawed on by a sated fox. Gallows doesn’t miss leg day; he misses leg year, leg score.
I cannot tell you why I’m talking about Luke Gallows’ legs.
The intensity for my harping on this subject is inversely proportional to the inferior leg quality of one Luke Gallows; Kalisto very well could have been on his way to legit stardom, or at least an incredibly popular upper midcarder. We’ll never know how right or wrong I am, I guess, seeing as how they – in vintage WWE fashion – never gave the man a chance. He had one surprisingly decent match against Ryback – in what will be the big guy’s swan song – and then went missing to do promotional work in Mexico. I know everyone loves Rusev, but he’s only just above Corbin tier insofar as inexplicable popularity amongst the internet faithful is concerned.
This match is fine, and follows the traditional WWE big man/small man format: big man dominates until little man steps up, eventually leading to, likely, big man winning. It’s usually not compelling drama, but these two actually make it work here, with Kalisto bouncing off of the Bulgarian bounce castle. I have no interest in Rusev winning, but at least the ending was sensible; Rusev throws Kalisto back first onto the apron, which injures Kailsto so back he is immediately susceptible to a particularly brutal looking Accolade submission. About as technically sufficient as Ryback’s last match, without anything to make it truly pop out.
I will say this about Rusev: the man has great emotes and mannerisims. Pairing him back up with Rocky III Lana was a smart move. You know what’s even smarter? Not breaking them up in the first damn place. Back to the un-card with you, Kalisto. You coulda been someone.
New Day out first for Promo Time. We get some hoe-based prop humor from the trio, and constant usage of the term “shoot my shot,” which I literally just looked up on Urban Dictionary so I can be completely sure it had nothing to do with semen. Woods seemed, as the kids say, thirsty (af), though I was relatively sure the man was married.
OR, alternatively, I don’t really care.
We get the rare New Day variation of Woods and Big E. I genuinely like seeing Woods wrestle, so I’ve no complaints about this shake up of the New Day paradigm.
What we get isn’t gangbusters. In fact, the gang is quite well intact, and their resolve seems even stronger than ever. The match was quite short anyway, though at least both teams looked competent enough during. I think the VV have a pretty nice mean streak, and seem to have almost a heel version of a “hot tag” (a “tundra tag?”). The match sits cushioned in its comfort zone and never goes anywhere interesting. Would have liked to have seen a VV victory, but the status quo it is.
Sami Zayn reenacts Survivor Series 2009 by kicking Owens out of the early part of the match. Afterwards, it takes a small while before the four way can get going, but once it does it becomes the exact contest you imagined. A lot of great teases as these four went at it, with exemplary action tying it all together. These four worked extremely well together, and some of the best reactions of the night came thanks to the near falls. A little oddly framed at certain points, with the sort of awkward setups for big moves that tends to be common for matches such as this.
Each beef man had their moment to shine, which is pretty much needed in multi-mans, otherwise, what’s the point and suspense in even having them there? Miz wins and, yes, it is the Miz but I can’t even be all that salty at the finish. Zayn knocks out Cesaro with his Helluva kick, but right after Owens stops him from getting a win. Zayn retaliates on Owens, but in the midst of him doing so Miz steals the win and retains the title. Cesaro was a monster throughout this match, and was only put down by a progressive series of moves and Zayn’s finisher; Zayn and Owens could have won at several points, but their overriding, perpetual hatred (one of the best storylines in wrestling) again costs the both of them everything; Miz, well, is a cheat and an opportunist, and seized his moment to retain. Great match, great finish, though, as much as I love the perpetual consistency and the enteral through line of Zayn and Owens, at some point there should be more to Zayn rather than “fuck Kevin Owens, amirite guys?” Right now, it seems to be building the nearly decade long narrative that Zayn’s obsession with destroying Owens is costing him everything. He could learn a lesson from Black Panther.
Now I want to see a heel Baron Zayn-mo gimmick. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
Chris Jericho vs. Dean Ambrose
Asylum Match
If we played a word association game – and, Christ, are we that bored, is this what our lives have come to? – then, if you said to me, “Jericho vs. Ambrose, Asulym Match,” I would not say “boring.” I would not say anything. My eyes would roll into the back of my home like I was the Undertaker receiving the finest mint julep blowjob known in all the lands. Foam would gather at the corners of my mouth. I would fall, heavy, like a leaden mass, right into a state of catatonia, the likes of which I likely would never recover from. “Jericho vs. Ambrose, Asulym Match,” is my trigger word for a coma, rendering me unto a level of torpor not seen since that time I watched old episode of Columbo when I was in England.
This match is almost worse than bad, it’s dull and, like the horrific Mania match against Lesnar, it’s a promise of vorpal blades with the execution of a dull plastic butter knife. There was mostly no edge to the match, no bite for most of it. Tepid moves performed in a tepid manner, with many, elongated interludes of intense scenes of wrestler climbing things, slowly. It was like watching a centenarian rock climb party. They would go up, grab an item, come back down, use the item for a few minutes, and repeat the process for ALL OF ETERNITY.
If anything comes close to saving this match – which was not a train wreck, more like an idle fender bender on a sweltering summer afternoon in a sleepy town with a population of seventy four people – it’s the last few minutes, as Ambrose unleashes THUMBTACKS, which I don’t think have been used since – what, Flair in his random WWECW days? The Edge/Foley feud back around WrestleMania 22? Jericho really sold (not like you need to sell too much with thumbtacks) the horror and pain of being thrown on the pushpins.
The whole bit involving them, from their unveiling to the end of the match, was a good stretch of drama, though it came so little and far too late. It didn’t even have some grander impact because there was nothing about this feud that felt intense enough to justify its usage. Zayn and Owens, that feud deserves thumbtacks. Cole and Briscoe, sure. Me and Ted Nugent, thumbtacks is how I would start. Ambrose and Jericho? Feuding over jackets and ruined potted plants? I mean, use what you need to, but it was a strange escalation, honestly. Hell, Ambrose and Wyatt and Ambrose and Rollins were both feuds that had, in theory, a more sensible case for thumbtacks than this match.
It seems this (of all matches) was extended to compensate for ten minutes that was lost thanks to a match involving Cody Rhodes fell by the wayside, as Rhodes announced his leaving the company earlier in the day. It wasn’t a good use of the time. It wasn’t a good match. MUSCLE RATING: ** (I need you to understand how generous I am being here do you understand the words I am saying to you right now)
Easily the worst of their live special/PPV series. The whole women’s scene is predictably dire, with Sasha out due to injury, Becky lost in the dust of incompetent booking, Emma being out indefinitely with a back injury, Nikki Bella possibly coming back, and Dana Brooks – whom I don’t mind, but is clearly outclassed by most of the female talent – apparently being chosen by the old shit up top as the female version of Roman Reigns.
(As an aside, the “the guy,” John Cena/Roman Reigns formula needs to die as of a decade ago. It’s unneeded)
The match these two are able to put together is fine, with the whole match centered on working limbs, trying to accrue a submission win. So much of this match felt like all parties involved were going through the motions, killing time until the inevitable screwy finish that has typified the entirety of this could-have-been-great feud. This time, Dana Brooks dressed as Ric Flair comes out, distracting Natalya enough for Charlotte to take her out by the legs and put on the figure eight.
If WWE had bothered to actually put faith in both women to have a number of great matches, this all could have been a proper follow up to the WrestleMania triple threat. Instead, well, it’s WWE; they are experts in nothing else if not squandered, wasted opportunities. I’m still not yet ready to totally dismiss the “women’s revolution,” but my lack of confidence has frequently been well founded so far, and tonight refuses to be different.
Although I would enjoy if they did a women’s MITB match. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
Extreme Rules Match for the WWE Heavyweight Championship
This was a really good match.
Simply stated, to be sure, but that’s the world of a “The Guy.” You don’t get challengers, you get victims. This match was certainly better than the solid – if McMahon marred – Payback affair. There was still shenanigans, yes, but it was kept scaled down, even within the confines (or not-confines) of an Extreme Rules match. They even had a few moments when you thought Styles was going to get the win. But, well, WWE is inevitability of disappointment, personified.
I suppose not entirely. I’m sure there are plenty satisfied, even happy with a Reigns reign. I’m not, but it’s the continuing acceptance of, I guess, another decade of this actual nonsense. Much has been made – least online – of the finish. Predictably, painfully predictably, I was not fond of it. Styles took plenty of abuse during the match, but with all of the finishers and chair shots Reigns took in succession, it reeks of the same, over powered “hero” archetype that is painfully boring, and that of course Vince loves (because, again, Vince is one of the worst storytellers of a majorly seen piece of media to have ever lived). I think, more than nearly anything else – the inevitability, the super powers, the push-against-all-logic – I am nearly most bothered by the constant single spear bit.
Reigns’ finisher is not particularly interesting as a visual, nor does it have much impact (better than Edge’s, though, but then so is the scrawny embrace of an over excited toddler) yet, all it takes is one (technically, I suppose, two in this case) to take down nearly any important. Meanwhile, Reigns can be hit with a dropped battleship filled with C4 and Tsar bombas and kick out at a 2.6.
Reigns can have good matches with good talent, and that has been true for at least a year now. It’s just pointless, as is all things, when the conclusion is set in stone; when there are better, more talented options out there; when his victories aren’t even dramatic, like he’s fighting in a playpen and he’s the only one given a gun; when, like with Cena, we get this super human, Vince main event face booking, a McMahon Tabula Rasa – nothing engaging, nothing interesting, nothing challenging. You accept, or you turn away. It’s the new normal, same as etc. etc.
If you can isolate that, and many can, this match was well worth a watch, if for nothing else to see – again – why Styles is one of the best wrestlers in the world. He does absolutely everything he can to get a good match out of Reigns – a necessary quality for a good Reigns match – and he excels. Make no mistake, this is a Styles showcase. Another piece of the Roman problem: in all of his “great” matches, he is never the interesting element. Here, Styles puts on a carrying master class, and receives an ignoble spear for his trouble.
Again, you accept, or turn away.
Good match. MUSCLE RATING: ****
Rollins arrives and lays out Reigns. Can’t even be excited; Rollins was frequently chumped by Reigns before he won the title at Mania 31, he was going to get chumped out before his injury late last year, and he will almost assuredly get chumped again the next time he faces Reigns. He has been shown as nothing but cowardly and ineffective, despite his ability, as Vince is just as terrible booking a top tier face as he is booking a top tier heel.
SEE Y’ALL AT MONEY IN THE BANK I GUESS
NXT #336
A rare, proven prediction comes to fruition: Regal announces that Bayley cannot compete at TakeOver due to being injured by Nia Jax. To compensate, tonight’s main event is Jax vs. Carmella vs. Alexa Bliss in a triple threat for the right to challenge – and get wrecked the fuck out by -- Asuka at the next special. It’s a “new generation of NXT women’s wrestlers that are in no way as good as the previous one but god dammit we’ll try” match.
Garciampa! For the second week in a row! I must have done something right, must have been involved in less honor killings than normal because the dear good universe has graced me with a second week of Gargano/CIampa goodness. Even more than that, they are not just going to indie fuck their way through some generic rent-a-nobody; this is TM61, formerly known as The Mighty Don’t Kneel, of Pro Wrestling Noah and New Japan That One WrestleKindgom fame. They arrive with music that sounds like a Queens of the Stone Age warm up riff.
NO PANTS IN THIS MATCH.
I’ve never heard them speak before but my goodness TM61 are not – gasp – Americans. Any damn ways, this was an engaging little TV match, surprisingly even, with a great showing by TM61, even in a somewhat shocking loss. Hard hitting, with a fast paced few minutes at the end, culminating in another GarCiampa win. Can’t wait to see me of either team. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
Hype for Joe and Balor in their cage match in a few weeks. Congrats; am hyped.
Bayley shows up in a backstage segment, lamenting her being unable to take on Asuka in a rematch. She is interrupted by Nia Jax, who insists Bayley will never be the same again. Carmella shows up to protect her friend from what is, clearly, bullying. Be a star, Jax. Jax says she’s going to run through Carmella and Alexa Bliss tonight. Bliss’ ears were burning, as she ventures out. Jax leaves, utterly dismissive of the diminutive female.
A hype promo next for Manny Andrade, or “Andrade ‘Cien” Almas.” A masked luchadore watches old, vintage footage of lucha libre. The luchadore takes off his mask…it’s (probably) Manny Andrade, who always looked like a sexy, Mexican Dominic Cooper to me. The promo is in Spanish, but I’m too much of a stinking American to know what any of it means.
Baby Metal is one of the musical selections for TakeOver. This is one of the best musical choices ever, in WWE or NXT.
I am not even kidding.
Aries out for a promo. He is always great at these lite, worked shoot promos, skills he perfected in his time on the indies. He talks about how a man can be the best, but that timing will disrupt the perception of greatness. Mainly, how he’s been shuffled to the side on the popularity scale since he showed up right around the time of Nakamura. Nakamura comes out, proving Aries’ point. He cuts a promo, first in Japanese, only he soon realizes no one understands him. He then cuts a very short promo with a surprising amount of comprehensible English. Regal comes out, and short story turned even more into micro fiction: Aries vs. Nakamura at TakeOver.
I am about as hype for that match as I am for Baby Metal.
Seriously.
No Way Jose comes out, and I have to look out because that means the cameras are going to be swaying in awkward, nauseating angles. It’s a squash match. He looks even better here than he has before, but it’s still a niche-ish dancing gimmick with no proven matches yet. He clearly has stronger fists than KUSHIDA; he always clutches his hands in pain after a baseball punch. NWJ dances with the commentators. THEY’RE JUST HAVING FUN oh man I hope NWJ never goes to RAW. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Another hype package, this time centering on Balor all smoldering mad from losing his title in that match that they maybe should have actually shown on the Network you ridiculous shit birds. He talks about obsession – maybe cologne – and says that Finn Balor will rise again, which will be infinitely more entertaining than the South doing the same.
Asuka backstage interview! Man, all the Japanese folks are throwing spit tonight. Hers is clearly more orchestrated and less fluid than Nakamura, as she says of her opponents, “No matter who wins, I will defeat them.” If you need some sort of measure of hotness here, hearing Asuka speak devious, broken English, is like the aural version of my feelings for Natalaya, Taeler Hendrix, and Christina Hendrix.
It’s very special.
Next week: a Joe and Balor interview! Aries vs. Samson! Can we just cancel the Samson match and extend the interview? The man is like a walking Asylum Match, but worse, somehow.
The triple threat shows up in the main event. In contrast – as always – to the main roster, it’s genuinely incredible and soothing to see women’s matches main event NXT TV with such regularity. It’s nowhere near as often as the men, sure, but it’s fairly often, and with no special attention drawn to it; of COURSE this is the main event, this is for the number one contenders spot. Obviously it’s the most important piece of this episode.
Heels gonna heel early, as Bliss bows out and Jax tries to physically belittle and intimidate Carmella. Great spot as Bliss goes to dive on Jax, only to second guess her life choices when JAx notices; this might be my favorite thing Bliss has ever done. As an aside, I swear Bliss could be the daughter of Jane Krakowski. This might just be a recency bias, as I’ve been watching a lot of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt .
I was actually quite impressed with this match. All three girls have shown fits of promise, but I’d never rate any of them too highly. Whether it’s something finally clicking or the diverse nature of the match, all three here looked better than almost any other time I’ve seen them, especially Alexa Bliss, whom I’ve never rated as high as many others have. It’s no, say, coming out party like the four way Four Horsewoman’s match from an earlier TakeOver special (which was the first time I truly took notice of Bayley) but it’s changed my thoughts on the three from wondering if they could ever be decent, to thinking it’s now a matter of time. Still, not the cleanest match, but I was entertained well enough. MUSCLE RATING: ***
Jax wins, and Asuka comes down. We get a face to face to end what was a pretty decent episode of NXT.
IT’S NO POST TAKEOVER: DALLAS TAPINS THOUGH AMIRITE
LUCHA UNDERGROUND: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
“Mein fuhrer…cero miedo!”
I already made that joke but I personally like it like a mother loves her own serial killer son.
We go back to Vampiro’s love shack, sans love equipment, thank goodness. Pentagon Jr. can walk! He gets ready to go back to the Temple to snap arms and cause…harms. Vampiro insists Pentagon is not ready to face Matanza. To prove his point, they engage in Lucha Underground Brand Kung Fu. Vampiro tells Pentagon to never question him again. He insists he’s not ready dot dot dot…not yet, anyway.
To start off, it’s time to get faaaame. Mascarita Sagrada takes on Joey Ryan, and here’s just another bit of wrestling that Lucha Underground does well; this is a quick, silly, mostly joke match, but it still entertains (well, it did me anyway), and still ties into the Famous B story where, so far, Sagrada has been less famed and more maimed in his outings. Sagrada still gets some decent offense in against the well-penis’d one, and yes, there’s even a “dong style” spot with Ryan. MUSCLE RATING: *
Next: A LU Vignette Combo!
There’s a hype package for Taya, as she destroys the best mooks – Lucha thug mooks – while slinking around in a red dress in some club that clearly needs to have its license revoked. She has a voice over about being perfection while straight murdering the lucha thugs, before exiting and getting in a fancy car with Johnny Mundo. Good little package, though it’s baffling that it’s being shown now, months after Taya has made her actual debut. Strange, but not uncommon; it’s not even all that egregious a case, since you get someone like Killshot who recieved back story a whole season after he debuted.
NEXT VIGNETTE
King Cuerno is in his trophy room talking about his greatest trophy: MIL MUERTES, AND HE’S STUFFED INSIDE A GLASS CASE. This is, objectively, amazing. The centerpiece of Cuerno’s entire room is based around the corpse of Muertes, whose mask appears to be stitched up, probably covering the damage done by Matanza; history does indicate, however, that he may need a tighter box.
Chavo’s one (and only???) defense of his recently acquired Gift of the Gods belt is up on the docket as he takes on Cage. I’ve never been all that high on Cage as a wrestler, and Chavo is an inconsistent watch, but this match is really quite good. Chavo plays the cowardly heel so well, his abilities likely honed from experience and years wrestling around the world. He drives hard support on the already-popular Cage. When they get to the action itself it’s nice and constant and technically appealing. It’s surprisingly level as well, with Chavo using all manner of Guerrero trickery to undercut the more powerful not-human that is Cage. It ultimately doesn’t work, however, and a Steiner Screwdriver seals the title for Cage, who immediately cashes in the GotG belt for a match against Matanza next week! It’s a beef-off more meaty than perhaps even Muertes and Matanza! Cage insists he’s not worried for he is no monster, he is a machine! MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
Update the list!
Things Cage Is Not In Lieu of Being a Machine
- Man
- Monster
We will update the list as Cage shares more information.
Another vignette combo!
Tonight, Los Vengadores defend their trios title against Jack Evans, PJ Black, and Fenix…OR DO THEY? Taya shows Jack and Black (huh…) a present: an unconscious Fenix. Their questions are answered when Johnny Mundo reveals himself. In what is perhaps one of the finest segments on a show engorged with fine and stellar segments, the Flip Men air guitar, Wyld Stallyens style, before going off to be evil elsewhere.
It was really quite brilliant.
Joey Ryan and Castro are rummaging through Dario’s office, trying to find some evidence so they can turn him in. Ryan, clean, disease free cop that he is, tries to pocket some of the cash that Dario has been hoarding these last few weeks. Mr. Cisco arrives, catching the undercover cops in the act. Ryan pulls a gun. Cortez, not knowing what else to do, arrests Cisco. I cannot wait to see what happens next on this new, strange, tights wearing season of The Wire.
It’s your (and, presumably, my) main event, as the Flippers of Mundo, Evans, and Black take on the champions, the Lucha Besties of Dragon Azteka Jr., Rey Mysterio, and Prince Puma.
It’s the match you think it is, and it’s the match it needed to be. It’s a great, fast paced match that, like many of the wrestlers in the ring, takes almost no consideration into what it’s going to do next, and instead just does it. With all of the vibrant colors in the ring, colors like pink, green, black, red, and so on, the match winds up looking like a series of vomiting-rainbows-on-acid jumping over the top rope. You get the highlights of each competitor, along with some heeling from Taya as she intervenes to try to help her boys win. There comes an absurd number of nut kicks in the match (really, this whole episode) but even that fails to end the conflict. Eventually, more heelin’ and more steel chairs get the win for the Stallyns as they become the new Trios Champions, the fourth new team overall. A wild match that got perhaps a mite too excessive with the shenanigans at the end, this was a capper to yet another fun episode of Lucha Underground. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
ROH TV
Remember how last time it was all about Jay Lethal? This time it’s all about the Bullet Club.
All Japan Women’s Classic Episode 3
Date: 10/6-1984 (Korakuen Hall)
WWWA Tag Team Championship
Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka (c) vs. La Galactica & Lola Gonzales
Crush Gals’ theme sounds awesome, except I can’t possibly find a copy anywhere right now. Some day.
So, the match: CHRIST. The thing is like an old school ECW match with much better wrestling. The Crush Gals are popular to some stratospheric degree. The wrestling is intense when the match is not being broken down into a Russian LiveLeak video of a gang war between packs of feral dogs, as Dump Matsumoto (I think) and her she-goons interrupt at every possible interval. It really takes up huge chunks of the match, as they run in, break up pins; Dump (I think) even goes wild with weapons, bashing the Gals in the head with trash cans, beating their legs with pipes, and even using a screwdriver to bust poor Asuka wide the hell open.
I really don’t get the AJW’s refs being impotent in the face of this wholesale massacre. At points, there are women everywhere; Dump’s army trying to straight up kill the Gals, seconds and Young Girls trying to stop them, at one point attempting to drag a bloodied Asuka out of the ring as Gonzales tries to cause more damage. It’s some bizarre hell scape of eighties women’s hairs, puffy Japanese perms and striped, oldey timey beach onesies. It’s like something out of Mad Max, only without the discipline and decorum. I will say, there is an old school element at wondrous work here, as I desperately wanted Galactica, Gonzales (who also, eventually, gets her share of color), and the rest of the Dump girls to get theirs, and – in my inner voice, of course – I was even chanting along with the crowd of young girls who were, by the way, insane the entire match.
Cathartically, the Gals get the final pinfall. The crowd is going ballistic, the ring filled with blood, streamers, and debris. The Gals are standing bloodied and tall, a flag or a bandana covering Asuka’s head. God damn. I got more invested in this mostly context-less, likely clipped, decades old Japanese women’s match than I have for the WWE main event scene in 2016. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
Special Singles Match
Itsuki Yamazaki vs. Yumi Ogura
Yamakzaki is one half of the Jumping Bomb Angels, a fantastic Japanese women’s team that had dalliances in old school WWF. Yumi Ogura is not only a seeming jobber that seemed to have not done much in the industry, it’s also the name of a character from a horror anime I wouldn’t recommend to anyone.
I expected a squash, but this wound up being a little more than that. Yamazaki never truly looked in danger, and at a few times during the match it seems like Ogura triggers a switch in Yamazaki, and she goes on an offensive blitzkrieg, like the overdriven A.I. of Dhalsim and Storm from the Versus series of fight games – he said, citing perhaps a more esoteric reference than he likely should.
Yamazaki also employs a few heelish tactics, though in this post-apocalyptic wrestling world of roving gangs of puff-haired killer women, a few face rakes on the laces is virtually angelic. Yamazaki wins. MUSCLE RATING: **1/2
Date: 1/5-1985 (Korakuen Hall)
WWWA Tag Team Championship
Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka (c) vs. Dump Matsumoto & Rossy Moreno
Can you even call this a match?
It’s Dump and one of her girls, Rossy Moreno, who quick research indicates has family and dealings with AAA in Mexico. Because it’s Dump, you know what that means: villainy unparalleled and a weapon surplus like 1980’s Afhganistan.
The first few minutes is a weapons based brawl, as Dump and Rossy try to use a Singapore cane to break the Gals. The gals eventually retaliate. This match – like any Dump match, it seems – is chaos uncontained, as again more weapons get involved, as well as the utterly corrupt official who counts slow for the Gals and stops them from helping each other. At one point, one of the other, non-Dump army wrestlers (they all wear pink and have their name and the word “Sailors” so there you go) even chokes out the ref to prevent him from more terrible officiating. Here’s where I wish I knew more Japanese or had a better understanding of the promotion’ history, because these sinister refs are obscene.
Two falls later, the Gals just win by getting into the ring first during a twenty count. Another wild brawl intermingled with some captivating wrestling, and I wonder when the Gals are going to clash with Dump and her her-marauders next. Side note: Lioness Asuka has one of the most intense giant swings I’ve ever seen, and that includes Cesaro. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
Date: 1/6-1985 (Korakuen Hall)
WWA Tag Team Championship
Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka (c) vs. Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki
The bloodline for matches like the legendary Manami Toyota/Toshiya Yamada versis Dynamite Kansai and Mayumi Ozakii manna can be traced back to here, as the Crush Gals defend their title against the Jumping Bomb Angels (who had one of the best WWF matches of the eighties when they wrestled for the WWF women’s tag titles on the very first Royal Rumble).
The fans were beyond psyched (especially, as always, for the Gals) and the wrestling was fantastic. No evil refs, no platoon of Dump army members and Sailors dragging their enemies around, just two of the best teams going at it.
The match has a lot of that endearing “sloppiness” you would see in a lot of older matches; moves look unpolished in a realistic – not botchy – kind of way, like more effort has to be put into executing the moves due to fatigue or fighting against a struggling opponent. It only adds to the intensity and realism here, and intensity is a key word, as these two teams throw everything they have at each other and refuse to slow down for fear of exploited weakness. The match feels every bit a race as it does a struggle, two teams who would rather burn out than lose.
I say this a lot, but this is the mid-eighties. This is women’s wrestling in the wrestling dark ages, and it’s some of the most incredible, raw, authentically passionate wrestling around, with the women doing moves and showing the kind of heart that is almost utterly void in today’s wrestling. I hate that I’ve been a supposed wrestling fan this whole time and only now have seen this match, and I hate knowing that there are more matches like this, scuttled by history and the degenerative loss of information to time, that I have not seen.
It’s a very earnest, grueling match. There is more blood, more endurance, more nerve in this match than nearly anything the WWE has had to offer this last decade that didn’t include a Punk or a Bryan or a Zayn, and even then. This match will be surpassed by the later Toyota matches, certainly, but the hunt for glory in this match, the mad, cultish zeal of this match that makes you want to punch a hole in the face of every god, it just makes this match incredible. I might be over selling it, but I don’t care. This match is better than anything the WWF could have produced in the eighties, and most – if not all – of their nineties. Great, great watch. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4
Here, have some incredibly quick micro reviews of rando shows.
FLASH MUSCLE
Here, have some incredibly quick micro reviews of rando shows.
New Japan Pro Wrestling’s Best of the Super Juniors
Night One:
MAIN EVENT—BOSJ A BLOCK MATCH (1f / 30m)
KUSHIDA vs. Kyle O’Reilly ****1/2 (not as good as their BOSJ finals from last year, but easily their second best effort. Check out the KUSHIDA armbar snatch from out of nowhere)
BOSJ A BLOCK MATCH (1f / 30m)
Ryusuke Taguchi vs. Matt Sydal ***3/4
BOSJ A BLOCK MATCH (1f / 30m)
Gedo (CHAOS) vs. BUSHI (LIJ) ***
BOSJ A BLOCK MATCH (1f / 30m)
David Finlay vs. Rocky Romero ***3/4 (Dave Finlay is doing some awesome work! Pull up those knee pads, though)
SIX-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH (1f / 20m)
YOSHI-HASHI, Hirooki Goto & Kazuchika Okada (CHAOS) vs. EVIL, SANADA & Tetsuya Naito (LIJ) ***1/4
EIGHT-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH (1f / 20m)
Ricochet, Captain New Japan, Yoshitatsu & Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Chase Owens, Yujiro Takahashi, Bad Luck Fale & Kenny Omega (The Bullet Club): **3/4
SIX-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH (1f / 20m)
Tiger Mask, Jushin “Thunder” Liger & Yuji Nagata vs. Jay White, Juice Robinson & Katsuyori Shibata: ***
SIX-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH (1f / 20m)
Bobby Fish, Volador Jr. & Satoshi Kojima vs. Will Ospreay, Baretta & Tomohiro Ishii (CHAOS): ***1/2
Night Two:
Jushin Liger vs. Bobby Fish: ***1/2
Will Ospreay vs. Chase Owens: ***1/2
Trent? vs. Volador Jr.: ***1/4
Ricochet vs. Tiger Mask: **3/4
Night Three:
Matt Sydal vs. BUSHI: ***1/4
Gedo vs. Kyle O’Reilly: ***1/4
Dave Finlay vs. Ryusuke Taguchi: ***1/2 (Taguchi can be pretty damned good when he’s not doing any of his lame shtick. So, rarely)
Rocky Romero vs. KUSHIDA: ***1/2
Night Four:
Volador Jr. vs. Tiger Mask: ***1/2
Chase Owens vs. Jushin Liger: **3/4
Ricochet vs. Bobby Fish: ***3/4 (so hyped for this. Want another, longer encounter)
Will Ospreay vs. Trent: ***3/4 (Ospreay has yet to get a win, but boy he wrestlers pretty)
Night Five:
Gedo vs. Matt Sydal: **1/2
Kyle O’Reilly vs. BUSHI: ***
KUSHIDA vs. Dave Finlay: ***1/2
Ryusuke Taguchi vs. Rocky Romero: **3/4
Night Six:
Sydal/Elgin vs. Rocky Romero YOSHI HASHI: ***
HIROYOSHI TENZAN, YUJI NAGATA, MANABU NAKANISHI, DAVID FINLAY & KYLE O’REILLY vs. KATSUYORI SHIBATA, KUSHIDA, JUICE ROBINSON, RYUSUKE TAGUCHI & JAY WHITE: ***
Chase Owens vs. Tiger Mask: **3/4
Trent vs. Bobby Fish: ***1/2
Bullet Club vs. Kojima, Captain New Japan, YOSHITATSU: **1/2
CHAOS vs. Ingobernables de Japon: ***1/2
Volador Jr. vs. Jushin Liger: ***1/4
Will Ospreay vs. Ricochet: Okay, so this one requires just a bit more context. This match was the sequel to their epic exhibition back in Dallas. The stakes here were such: Ricochet was thus far undefeated, while Ospreay, with all of his hype and talent, had yet to win a single match in the BOSJ. A loss here would pretty much make it impossible for Ospreay to have a chance at winning his block.
That is perhaps why I might just place this match over their previous meeting: stakes. As incredible and amazing as their last bout was, it was mostly an exhibition match, a special showcase, a first time meeting of two premier high flying talents. Here, there’s more pressure being placed on both wrestlers, there’s something on the line. In Ricochet’s case, it’s his continued dominance over his block and to accrue even more points to solidify his chances at getting into the finals. For Ospreay, it’s to even stay alive.
Another reason why this match might just eke out their Dallas showdown is because of the crowd. Being there live for their first meeting, I can attest that the place was an aural salvo of enthusiasm. This sequel, however, was in the legendary Korakuen Hall, one of the greatest wrestling venues in history. The match itself was so spectacular that the traditionally “reserved” Japanese crowd was going nuts the entire match, shouting their names, issuing forth “this is awesome” and even “holy shit” chants. It’s like every American indie smark fan in Japan coalesced in Korakuen. After the match concluded, there was even a “one more match” chant. I’ve never been so jazzed for something that I start singing its praises in a whole other language.
The match itself was amazing. The inevitable swarm of dinguses who will decry this match as having “no psychology” will continue their long and tiring journey into being wrong; the psychology here was the same as Dallas: who is the best high flyer in the world? Couple that with having league points on the line and there you have it. Not everything needs to be working a ring finger for forty minutes.
And if you’re (wrongly) decrying a lack of psychology or ring work, I direct you to the reports that say that WWE talent are now being discouraged from selling injuries and body parts. There’s an official mandate on that nonsense.
This match had a great tempo; much like a piece of music, it had its ebbs and flows, its soft bridges closing gaps in between powerful upticks of symphonic chaos. The things these two can do in general are amazing, and the things they can do together are stelliferous. Ospreay gets a much needed win here. I believe from here we will see more of an evening of the top end of the two blocks, as Ospreay will likely go on a roll. Best match of the tournament so far and that even includes the brilliant KUSHIDA/KO rematch. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4
ALL MANNER OF MUSCLE
- I may write more on the new WWE brand split later. For now, a concise opinion: no, no, Jesus hell no. I hated the first draft, ironically up until it broke apart, because by then I realized its potential. That potential will almost assuredly not be realized by the toxic booking of the WWE. No one mature or intelligent is running this thing, so expect more stories of talent getting drafted without prior notice, or favorite tag teams splitting up, or even worse, more shallow stories. Plus, with the inevitable ruin of Reigns being the eternal champion on RAW and Cena being the eternal champion on Smackdown, the future is bleak – unless you’re one of those freaks who likes both. In which case, well, good times are ahead.
- As mentioned before, there apparently will be no more selling of attacks or limbs in the WWE, at least until Vince inevitably forgets about it. All the WWE sycophants who gnash teeth at indies and Dragongate can now get their personal effects in order before they jump off a bridge.
- The most suspenseful thing in wrestling right now is the Janken tournament in Stardom. It’s literally a tournament of the Stardom roster engaging in rock, paper, scissors matches. They are all master classes in psychology. The whole thing is presented like a fighting game, complete with life bars. I love Stardom World. Also, the announcer lady person who tells the competitors to throw hands has an oddly way of saying…whatever she’s saying. I suspect its “ready, set, go.”
- It’s more captivating than a Reigns angle.
- THAT’S IT. Everyone go home, okay.
- I still need to finish my Dallas Trilogy. Maaaaaybe next week?
This Sunday, WWE gets EXTREME! Which, for the better part of a decade, has meant that they go for a slightly harder PG than normal, if even that. What it really means is the start of the creative coasting cruise as we ride stale stories right on through to SummerSlam. This year, honestly, does have a few extra wrinkles in it, namely with the oddly compelling (though slightly less interesting than it had been a month before) angle of Styles versus Reigns.
For this edition of HYPE MUSCLE, it's time to get EXTREME! Or rather, slightly, marginally away from our comfort zone at best. Moderation, and a n egregious amount of it.
Pre-Show
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin
No DQ Match
Guffaw.
Well, the internet hates Ziggler now and loves Corbin. The internet also gave us Stormfront, MRA's, and Reddit comments.
Fuck the internet. And this match.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Baron Corbin and the slow, eventual death of my dreams.
MUSCLE HYPE: Andrew Jackson. Because fuck this match, and fuck Andrew Jackson.
The Usos vs. The Club
Tornado Tag
It's the battle of the main eventer's loser friends. These two teams have demonstrated some ability to have decent matches with each other, so this may not be a terrible outing. Plus, the tornado tag rules – AKA the wrestling-game-mode-favorite-while-playing-with-my-brother – should allow for some constant action, as the thought of either of these two teams doing heat segments shrivels mah wrestling loins.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: The Club. Gimme back my bullets.
MUSCLE HYPE: The considerable stamina and well chosen apparel of William Henry Harrison. Some promise, with a fair chance of disappointment.
Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho
This entire chapter of their not-long and not-illustrious feud has centered around stuffs. Ambrose stole Jericho's show. Jericho broke Ambrose's plant. Ambrose destroyed Jericho's jacket. If either of these two degenerates were Buddhists they wouldn't even be fighting, so that's for them to consider.
Ambrose introduced an upgrade to their feud in the form of a mid-2000's TNA special: the Asylum match It's a cage match? But with stuff in it? Like, hanging off of it? Little was made clear in Ambrose's Bukowski-esque rambling. Their last match at Payback was decent, and there's a high level of bit and also pieces in this match, so who knows? They can probably scrounge out some modicum of entertainment out of this gimmick pile.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Jericho. I want to say Ambrose, but I feel like they want to extend this one more month, somehow, someway. Plus, stupid idiots, Jericho looks like he's going to stay for a little while longer.
MUSCLE HYPE: Decent. The shifty eyed, Alec Baldwin husk of Millard Fillmore.
This feud has been one of the best built feuds in the WWE this year, and I'm currently even more invested in this clash than even the unfathomably intriguing Styles/Reigns matchup. There's some great talent in this ring, with Miz carrying his weight outside of it. Any of my normal complaints about the Miz's lack of in-ring ability should be mostly rendered inert here, as the unreasonably high level of talent and ability in the other three should more than make up for it. Great, classic feud so far that, for my money, has made the IC Title more prestigious than the Cena Indie reign did for the U.S title. Highly anticipated.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Cesaro, to leave Zayn and Owens to continue feuding. (Although you can convince me of a Zayn or Owens win, to give a prop for their feud...Miz could retain, I don't know! Some great booking at work here)
MUSCLE HYPE: Great. The towering, domineering physical imposition of LBJ, All The Way.
Kalisto (c) vs. Rusev
U.S Title Match
On the other EXTREME end of booking, comes this match. Kalisto has been dumped with the classic WWE storytelling of being somehow burdened with a title. The title that was psuedo “elevated” by Cena had almost immediately been cast down back to its sub-card hovel, and the genuine surprise here is that this match isn't on the pre-show. They could have really, honestly done something with Kalisto here. As it is, I think they are more interested in Rusev (whom I never rated highly). They must figure that Rusev is far enough away from the stink of the impossibly dreadful Lana/Ziggler story from last year to try and maybe make him legitimate again.
That is, until Cena gets back on Memorial Day.
It's really a shame. They could have made Kalisto something. Even his Ryback feud was decent.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Rusev matchka.
MUSCLE HYPE: Little. The dark, obese caterpillar eye brows of the disgraced, scandal ridden Warren G. Harding.
I don't want to say the women's revolution is over but it's certainly braining itself crashing headlong against the gates of WWE booking. Charlotte and Natalya's feud has been mostly pretty good, save an unwanted, outmoded “Screwjob” ending.
Outside of that feud, however, the women's scene looks dire: no Sasha Banks to speak of, two minute matches, Emma requiring back surgery, Becky being predictably shunted to the rear. It's like WWE still cannot concentrate on more than two women at a time, which is a problem usually reserved for the likes of Archie during his many romps 'round Riverdale.
As before, these two will likely never again reach the heights of their NXT encounter, but I expect another decent match here, with the appetizing prospect of a submission stipulation being laid out. Ric Flair – who has done nothing but be a tendon ripping grindstone forcing this feud to drag along his bloated weight – is supposedly banned, which either means a legitimate win for Charlotte or even MORE of Flair's long tired presence in the match. I want Natalya to win – desperately – but it doesn't look like it will be in the cards for her tonight, if ever.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Dejectedly. Charlotte.
MUSCLE HYPE: Moderate-High. The secret power and clandestine statesmanship of the politically burly Eleanor Roosevelt.
This feud has been surprisingly gripping (a little), and I say that knowing they've had little contact. Unfortunately for Enzo Amore, the VV acquired this opportunity after the former rendered a real concussion during the last PPV.
The VV, I think, have done a tremendous job of subtly modernizing their oddball gimmick and getting over, in spurts and spats, with the crowd. In particular I speak of the New Day “time travel” skit, which is just about one of the most bizarrely hilarious pieces of entertainment I've ever seen in the WWE. The VV crashed the bit, destroying the time machine and The New Day.
A shock VV team would give me a great deal of personal delight (I actually think the VV are better wrestlers than The New Day, though TND might just be somewhat boxed by their gimmick). Feelings aside, I fully expect the VV to go home feeling sour.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: New. Day wins. New. Day wins.
MUSCLE HYPE: Medium, with a slight tick upwards. The jovial, jolly girth of Taft.
EXTREME RULES! match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
While my interest isn't quite as pronounced as it once was, let me not mince words: I'm looking forward to this match, though less for the inevitable outcome than for how the match itself plays out.
These two are having one of the most organic rivalries I've seen in wrestling in recent years, and this includes even my darling indie promotions. Styles is really carrying the weight here, as even the obvious face he still is towing that grey line, as you still wonder what his true affiliation with The Club is. He's more aligned with them now, it seems, and the story has logically presented a reason for that to be so. The Club have gone out of their way to try and help Styles, and Reigns not only does not believe Styles but has attacked him while heaping on accusations. It's only natural for Styles to side with his buddies.
Reigns is still the champion-against-all-logic, and that's just going to be the seeming reality for the foreseeable future. He's getting some classic WWE Top Card Face booking, where he is ostensibly the major good guy even though by any rational person's logic he comes across in nearly every facet as a sheer, unlikeable crotch stain.
This is an EXTREME RULEZ match, so expect a Staten Island landfill of shenanigans to occur, including run-ins by The Club and The Usos. While my thoughts on such has diminished, I am still thinking there will be some Club betrayal, leading for something for Styles to do as they cycle in the next, more over wrestler to occupy Reigns' time as they continue to pad the reign of their one true champion. The match itself should be decent. Their last encounter was good (I thought a little overrated by many) and I expect no less from here, especially with Styles carrying the brunt of the work.
MUSCLE PREDICTIONS: Reigns. Then. Now. Forever. I guess.
MUSCLE HYPE: Low-high. The svelte, angular physique of Barack Obama, complete with a wait-and-see presidency that will excel in some regards and disappoint in others.
OTHER MUSCLE
The Cruiserweight (“can cruiser-wait, brother”) Classic is officially a thing. There's a logo leaked from NXT tapings, along with dates (late June going into July, I think). I can't wait to see the finest Indie Mooks That Were Never Any Good go at it, and go at it hard for what is rumored to maybe be a new cruiserweight title! I R Hyped.
In other SMALL MUSCLE MEN news, the Battle of the Super Juniors over in New Japan will either be close to starting or will have began in earnest by the time you read this text laden word drivel. I get so logged behind, so it's hard for me to also include New Japan stuff on here, but I have high hopes I will get to it, eventually. As it is, I plan on diving into the thing with gusto. Here, if nothing else, is a list of the participants: Bushi, Beretta, David Finlay, Bobby Fish, Gedo, Chase Owens, Kushida, Jushin Thunder Liger, Kyle O'Reilly, Ricochet, Matt Sydal, Tiger Mask IV, Rocky Romero, Volador Jr., Ryusuke Taguchi, Will Ospreay
I am fighting dread illnesses borne off the leathery scrote of the most heinous of dark gods! This will be a low effort post! Okay!
NXT
NXT! Where a kid can be a kid!
Flashbacks to that time Pokemon gave the whole world epileptic fits start the show proper, which can only mean the return of BAMF to the ring! Really, it feels like Alexa Bliss and two rando dudes, which has mostly been the team dynamic since they first got together anyway.
Aries comes out next. His music strikes me as the type of composition you would use for a movie trailer. Something within the PG-PG13 range. He has revealed his partner, and HIS NAME IS JOHN CENAit's Shinsuke Nakamura. Picking Nakamura as his partner is no surprise, and it's like picking Akuma in Super Street Fighter II Turbo (assuming that these are filthy casuals playing). Nakamura and Aries are the team I never knew I wanted
Aries and Nakamura predictably dominate, with Nakamura getting so involved in delightfully kicking people in the face that he refuses to tag in Aries. Nakamura wins, and this new pairing I've dubbed “Friends Forever” surely have many years of tagging ahead of them, without any scenario playing out where Aries – angry at Nakamura because he didn't want to tag him in and jealous that Nakamura has overshadowed Aries' own time in NXT – betrays Nakamaura, conviently setting up a match at the next TakeOver.
That would be silly.
A fun squash match. Aries reminds me of Jericho in that, even when they are faces, their natural inclination is to slide to the role of villain, like it's a pull they can only occasionally resist. Bliss is angry at her failure boys of Blake and Murphy, and leaves them. Afterward, Blake leaves Murphy. BAMF EXPLODES??? MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
A Bayley promo, as tonight she faces Nia Jax in a rematch from their London encounter. She plans for a repeat performance.
Asuka gets a great little hype package. They should do this more often, fill in more time both on NXT and the main roster with these videos.
No Way Jose promo. It's all big smiles and positivity. In spite of this, I like the guy well enough.
Carmella promo. What is this, an episode of Lucha Underground? She addresses her not being with Enzo and Cass, as she wants to concentrate on being the women's champion.
In a fine bout of segue magic, Carmella has a match. She takes on Peyton Royce, the most prominent flower wielding persona of the billion Australian women infiltrating the ranks of NXT. Royce looks pretty good, one of the better of the newer crop of lady folks. Carmella looks slightly better than she has previously, so improvement is slow, but there. Carmella wins, but I'm still here asking exactly where the fuck Athena is at. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
They show footage of Balor and Joe brawling after a match at a live show, and I'm still not sour over them not showing the title change match from LOL, Mass. On a live Facebook stream, Regal declares that they will have a title match at the next TakeOver and, for the first time in NXT history, it will be in a steel cage. I like that NXT incorporates social media and alternate platforms to promote their stories. It makes infinitely more sense for NXT, a one hour weekly show, to do this sort of thing over the trillions of weekly hours that the WWE has, which they use to waste their time on recaps and dead end matches that last minutes at a time.
Ciampa and Gargano – CiamGano, or maybe Gargampa – are here to indie all over two jobbers, perpetual leader of the “L” column Danny Burch and Ryzer, who looks like a character Gary Busey's son would have played in 1999. The match is typified by murderous strikes by Gargampa, ending with a knee strike/superkick double team move that looks like a brutality move from Mortal Kombat. Another great little squash. Gargampa looked great; plus, a tag team finisher? A squash match? Are they going to put pushed as a tag from here on out? MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE
Regal announces that The Revival and American Alpha are having a rematch for the tag titles at the next TakeOver. Neat.
Bayley vs. Nia Jax is next. It's not quite as good as their London encounter (which I thought was high drama), but it's pretty decent for a TV match featuring one still relatively inexperienced wrestler. The story here is Jax dominating Bayley, even smartly injuring her arm which renders the guillotine choke – the move Bayley used to beat Jax in London – less effective. We're still talking about Bayley here, however, and she battles back as best she can, though it really says something story wise about Jax's intelligence that she was able to learn from London and cut off the choke – the one move that's been shown to truly wear her down – while using her power and size to beat down her opponents. Bayley begins a comeback, only for a reversed suplex to cause her to land on her feet, injuring her knee. Bayley can't recover from her one leg in time, and loses in what might have been considered a minor upset to Jax. Not related to anything, Jax is gorgeous. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
The injury might be used to write Bayley off of not appearing for the next TakeOver. I feel like I have the women's scene accurately mapped out: Jax injures and defeats Bayley. Jax challenges Asuka for the women's title. Asuka defeats Jax, while Bayley runs the redemption story as she fights her way back to the top. This is played out until the presumptive NXT TakeOver in August over SummerSlam weekend, where we get Bayley vs. Asuka II. The winner, I would think, depends on when they plan on bringing Bayley up.
All Japan Women's Classic #2
I really need to get a hold of that theme song.
Date: 4/1-1984 (Korakuen Hall)
Mimi Hagiwara & Tarantula Retirement Match
Mimi Hagiwara vs. Tarantula
One episode in, and it seems both Haigwara AND Tarantula are retiring? AJPW had an age limit at the time – 26 – and, after that, it was forced retirement. It seems awfully regressive and dumb, like Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon having season caps on shows regardless of popularity. It seems like you're spiting yourself, forcing yourself to churn out more stars at a higher rate, though the age limit was likely to keep the roster young to appeal to their younger fan base. It didn't work, obviously, as we see that AJPW is no longer around, and I tentatively say that this age limit is one of the reasons why.
Tarantula looks great here, employing some incredibly tight looking head scissor moves. Hagiwara looks better here without her teammate constantly interrupting, even doing dives and curb stomps. Keep in mind, this is 1984, and these women are doing moves and having matches you wouldn't see in the states for literal decades. Meanwhile, the American women's scene is still in the quagmire of that shit sop of a human, Fabulous Moolah.
The match is only five minutes (which, what the hell?) and ends in a draw. Tarantula takes her mask off, as a big, emotional ceremony takes place honoring the two women. MUSCLE RATING: **
Date: 8/25-1984 (Korakuen Hall)
WWWA Tag Team Championship
Jumbo Hori & Yukari Ohmori (c) vs. Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka
Holy hell, the crowd loves Chigusa. They practically cheer for her the entire match.
This was a great match, with some of the perfect amounts of those tag team “heat” segments I usually dread. There's such great emotionality with the wrestlers here, and I mean in the entire company so far, not just this match. They are constantly going at each other, and even in some of the lesser matches I always felt like these women were trying to win. They look like they've gone through hell and a little more than that, their hair stuck to their faces like seaweed, a torrent of sweat pouring off of them, like any match, big or small, would decide the fate of a thousand worlds.
Great match, one of the best I've seen so far on this show. The Dynamite Girls versus the Crush Gals. I need to check out more of their matches. MUSCLE RATING: ****
Date: 9/17-1984 (Ota Ward Gymnasium)
Fuji TV Tag League Match
Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka vs. Dump Matsumoto & Crane Yuu)
The Crush Gals return as they take on Crane Yuu, whom I am not familiar with, and Dump Matsumoto, part of that contingency of large, malevolent, ultra violent Japanese women's wrestlers like Bull Nakano and Aja Kong.
Asuka and Nagayo engage in an insane brawl against Dump and Yuu, and the lenient Japanese ref continues to baffle me. Dump and Yuu openly cheat, using weapons to try and injure the legs of the Gals, and all of this is allowed. The two teams just breaks down into a small scale riot, and the Gals get so angry at the ref they even attack and bust him up. The match ends in a no contest, which is about the sanest thing that could be done in a match like this, where the whole thing just turns to anarchy. Even more good stuff. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
WWWA World Championship & UWA World Championship
Jaguar Yokota (c) vs. La Galáctica (c)
THE REVENGE.
I assume. If I remember correctly, this match should have taken place somewhere like nine months to a year or more after these two battled in a hair versus mask match, which saw Yokota get shaved clean thanks to the perpetual cheating of Galactica and her cohort, Monster Ripper.
The match is intense, which seems to be a hallmark of a lot of these AJPW matches. I grant you, I am only seeing the highlights, so it could be fairly assumed that I'm seeing the best of the best. Even still, there's more passion shown in these matches than in many modern day main events, and I am not just talking about WWE.
At the end of this match, when Jaguar finally gets her revenge on Galatica (or maybe not, I do not know what they were doing in the intervening months since the hair match), it comes off like the most important victory in history. The crowd is frothing, Galactica is bloodied, Jaguar looks – both physically and emotionally – like she won the Super Bowl, World Series, NBA Finals, World Cup, and the Hunger Games at the same time. Even the ref is exhausted and lathered in a thick suit of sweat.
Again, most big moment, supposedly emotionally charged moments and matches in today's wrestling barely scratch the hide that these AJPW matches seem to successfully tear at with some strange frequency. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
Another great episode. I'm sure my perceptions of the show are being tempered somewhat by being shown presumably the best, but two episodes in and AJPW classic has already become one of the most entertaining wrestling shows in my weekly routine.
Lucha Underground: Crime and Punishment
Dario Cuerto is shown in his office, shuffling wads of cash into a sack, presumably thinking of making a pay off or, more likely, a hasty retreat from the Temple. He is interrupted by un-man, Cage. Tonight is the seven way match to determine the new Gift of the Gods champion, and Cage is miffed at Chavo having stole his medallion. Dario makes it clear: if Chavo puts the medallion in the belt before Cage, Cage will not be in the match. He tells Cage to escort him to the ring.
Dario introduces the seven competitors in hilarious fashion, reminiscent of Jericho making fun of the folks in that cruiserweight battle royal back in WCW. Chavo is last, but gets beat down by Cage. Cage takes the medallion – except it's not the medallion, but a decoy. Chavo lays out Cage and inserts the true medallion. Tonight's match is set: Texano, Joey Ryan, Sinestro, Aerostar, The Mack, Sexy Star, and Chavo Guerrero.
A four way follows with Argenis, Daga (whom hasn't been seen since he gave Texano a good match), Kobra Moon, and Famous B's number one and also only client, Mascarita Sagrada. B interrupts Melissa to announce and hype up his own boy. The match is without stakes, a conflict in a void. What little that's there is decent but short. There's a few comedy segments, with the running theme being that Moon totally digs Daga, so much so that she hits her finisher on Sagrada and allows Daga to pin him. S'alright. I enjoy Daga well enough from what I've seen, and Famous B is always fun. MUSCLE RATING: **
LUCHA VIGNETTE with Marty and Killshot. They have a match tonight. Marty is playing his creepy self, taunting the mostly silent Killshot. Shot retaliates with kung fu, because conversational skills. Marty lies on the floor, laughing like someone who clearly has not had braaaaand X.
They have a match immediately after, and it's one of Marty's better outings. I give Marty a ton of credit, he's gone from someone I had no interest in during the first season to a very defined, and pretty watchable character. His bits of character work are exemplary, and his wrestling seems to have gotten much better. Killshot and Marty have a good go at each other, and there's some impressive moves thrown throughout, especially on Marty's end as he powers Killshot through some devastating maneuvers. Killshot ultimately wins, but Marty succeeds in taking him out after and stealing Killshot's dog tags.
THAT SOUNDS FEUD WORTHY TO ME.
The main event!
All seven wrestlers into the ring, and almost instantly it devolves into a series of one on one encounters, a pet peeve of mine when it comes to multi-man matches. Still, LU exceeds at a lot of character details, and this match has its share; the chauvinistic chivalry and mouthiness of Texano, Mack and Star's friendship coming into play. What remains gloriously consistent across the board is that everyone hates Chavo, and this includes even undead highlander Mexican zombie man Sinestro, as just about everyone takes turn hitting big moves on the Guerrero.
Cage, to no one's surprise, interferes, taking out the competitors one by one, ending with a screwdriver on Ryan. Actually to some people's surprise, he allows Chavo to win the match and the title. Cage's intent is made almost instantly clear: he let Chavo win the belt so that, next week, he faces Cage for the title. Cage gets a chance to take the belt he was denied and a chance for some revengeance on Chavo. Well played, A Machine. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4
Back in the abandoned warehouse that seems to comprise all of Boyle Heights, Pentagon Jr. is swinging, being suspended in the air by ropes, attached to a device that looks like it came out of the pricier end of an Adam and Eve's catalog. Vampiro is there, beating our fallen anti-hero with a stick, giving him oddly inspirational messages, the kind that sadist's give each other. He tells Pentagon not to scream, not to be weak. Vampiro decides to up this course in brutalism to an AP class, and brings out a barbed wire bat to end the show. Pentagon presumably pleades, “this has nothing to do with bare, concrete architectural designs!”
No Ring of Honor this week. I mean, there is Ring of Honor, but it's a recap of Jay Lethal's career, which should just inherently be worth watching.
In the Flesh: Live Muscle #1 -- War of the Worlds 2016
[3,675 words]
(Yes, I suppose the Mania 32 writeup should have been Live Muscle #1, but it's in the past now)
There was an idea.
It actually had nothing to do with assembling a team of enhanced persons, with the eternal objective of protecting the world entire from its enemies, and – if failing to do so – avenge the victims.
That's a pretty swell idea, though, and I'm glad you thought of it, though it's odd that you led with that. Shoulder that thought, we'll get back to it someday.
The idea in question was to go see a Ring of Honor show in Dallas. Supercard of Honor X looked appetizing, in its way, though if we are all being Frank in a bizarre simulacrum of the poor guy, other shows that Mania weekend just looked even tastier, in a I-swear-not-cannibalistic way. I could see Nakamura,Asuka. I could see the Euro Wave claim dominance over the wrestling world. That's not to say there was nothing on the Ring of Honor show(s) worth a ticket and a watch, but everyone I had wanted to see live I had seen before in some way or fashion, except for I guess Taeler Hendrix.
I wasn't exactly clamoring to see Adam Page in the flesh when the other prospects were infinitely more appealing.
This time was different, however. My friends and I had not seen a Ring of Honor show in something like four years. If my memory serves, the last event we went to was Young Wolves Rising, featuring an outstanding, under appreciated tag match of Eddie Edwards and Adam Cole (pre BAYBAY) taking on Davey Richards and Kyle O'Rilley. Steen was still in the company, having returned months earlier and had been harrying Richards – the then ROH champ – for a title match. I do believe that show featured the infamous “Ju Jitsu jack off” line from Steen, with the amazing follow up of “trending on Twitter!”
Edwards and Richards' feud was just about ending. Adam Cole was still considered a hot prospect, far away from being a two-time ROH champion, and a two-time recipient of the “Dad Bod of the Year” award. KO was still in Cole's shadow, and was perhaps months from forming my current favorite tag team stretching limbs across the world today, reDRagon. All of that, and Jim Cornette was still in charge, a moment in ROH history that would not last much longer, as we slowly tipped the sails of history and ventured into the Sinclair Broadcasting Era.
What I mean to say is, it's been a long goddamn time.
What brought me back this Saturday night was a chance to see all of the wrestling stars from New Japan Pro Wrestling. In the time since seeing ROH last, New Japan hit upon a startling resurgence. Wrestlers like Hiroshi Tanahashi, Kazuchika Okada, Shinsuke Nakamura and more finally attained the perfect combination of talent with booking and, now, NJPW is the most dominant promotion in Japan, and possibly the most viable second worldwide to the WWE.
A few years back, ROH struck up another alliance with NJPW, and we got the Global Wars/War of the Worlds tours, featuring some classic matches like Nakamura vs. Kevin Steen, in Steen's last big match before heading to the WWE. Circumstances conspired, as they often do, to prevent me from seeing the last few years of shows. This time was different.
War of the Worlds was the end of the NJPW crossover tour. Their Global Wars PPV – which I reviewed last week – was fairly decent, though it did end on a controversial ending of Bullet Club ruckus-ing up the main event. With not much in the way of storylines, War of the Worlds seemed to promise more of the wrestling and less of the invasion angles.
Getting to the Terminal 5 venue in NYC was a bit of a mess. Gone are the days of the Manhattan Center shows; they raised the rent so high that it scared off wrestling promotions. Gone are the days of the sickening sweet of convenience, as one would simply take a train to Penn Station and – looming in the shadows of MSG – you could easily locate the center.
Now, some byzantine exodus was necessary to even get within sniffing distance of this new venue, one that ROH had been using for their NYC shows for a few years now. In my case, it required a trip with a good and well-coiffed pal to Hoboken, taking the PATH from there, taking the D (yes, yes) and heading...uptown? Despite my being within expectorating distance of the place, I've never shown the slightest talent at navigating the utterly labyrinthine passageways of the NYC transit system. From the D (yes) we emerged newly made by Central Park, near an obese roundabout, a traffic circle with a large Columbus statue, uniquely called Columbus Circle. Or something.
After requiring a dizzying amount of reorientation, we still had to walk what felt like about a half mile or more to get to the venue proper. I had some trepidation about the place, as I had heard nearly nothing but nightmare stories about how the place was situated and operated.
As is true of all terrible things, we wound find out, and soon enough at that.
Terminal 5 had the aesthetic of a 1980's movie about illegal pit fighting, with an accompanying charm to match. The place could not have even been said to have ever been run down, because that assumes there was ever an “up” for it to fall from. It was a venue caked in wear and tear, with black streaks of long forgotten struggles scratching the walls, with every surface chipped and worn. The place is rectangular in shape, about four stories high, with a stage bisected by the entrance ramp. Above us, pock marked white railings with cable wire running between them lined the upper floors, with what almost appeared to be a bar on each level. A disco ball was hung from the ceiling, creating a pixelated scape of the action below. The venue would need nearly no revisions to make it appear like some post apocalyptic court room, with the howling mad adorned in fur and black leather and steel studs, yelling at the condemned below as they rain down saliva and judgment.
Aesthetically, I fucking loved the place. The worn look of a world in decline, that urban decay chic, the oppressive down light that rendered everyone's eyes into black, scowling holes.
Practically, I can now understand why everyone complains about the place.
We were seated on the stage. Except our tickets said “stage” and the seats on stage were labeled “C.” This required us to move all the way around to the other side of the stage to see if anything was clearer there. It was not. The staff were almost infuriatingly unhelpful, with a potent attitudinal mixture of both an inability and an uninterest in helping us. Finally, after conferring with other patrons who have had similar problems, we settled in what we assumed were our seats, four rows back on the stage. Which would have been fine, but it's a stage and offered no stadium seating, so the night was spent trying to decide to view the five inches of viewable action in between the heads and shoulders of the fans in front of us, or to stand for the duration of the matches.
I've heard little else but complaints else wise. Fans getting the wrong seats, paying a lot of money for terrible positions, breaking the shoddy chairs and only getting a replacement from other show goers, with little effort if any put forth by the disinterested, inconsequential staff. It's a great visual, Terminal 5, but I utterly get the derision from fans, and I've only been there once.
We missed what appeared to be the first two preliminary matches. We did settle just in time for show start, which led on the evening with:
reDragon (Fish and O’Reilly) vs ANX (Kenny King and Rhett Titus)
What we started off with was a fine match. Titus is into doing D'Lo Brown impressions, it seems, though there's nothing wrong with that. It was pretty standard as far as tag matches go, with your heat segments and your rallies, but both teams, reDragon in particular, brought along enough talent to not make it dull. Decent opener, plus I got to see Bobby Fish live again. Is Fish my favorite ROH competitor right now? I need to confer with Jay Lethal. MUSCLE RATING: ***
Dalton Castle vs Moose vs Lio Rush vs Michael Elgin
One of the people I saw the show with became instantly smitten with Dalton Castle. Such is peacock power.
This was a fantastic four corner survival match, and really helped bring the crowd into the show. All four, to varying degrees, are supremely talented individuals, and proved a healthy and fun quartet to watch. You had power from Moose, power from Elgin, high flying from Rush and...peacock, from Castle. Castle himself is somehow even better to see live, where you can truly experience his nuances and the antics of his boys out of the ring.
This match should be like the template for four way matches. Lots of great action, with great moments from each. Every wrestler got to display their abilities, and you also got times in the match for character displaying from each person.
I have said this countless times, but Castle is MUCH stronger than you would think. Great stuff. MUSCLE RATING: ****
Silas Young vs. KUSHIDA
KUSHIDA is always oddly placed in these shows, which I think is mostly contributed by the fact that NJPW thinks lesser of their juniors. Not that it's a penalty to wrestle Silas Young, KUSHIDA just seems to come in with little fanfare compared to his heavyweight associates.
The match itself was hardly memorable, save for getting to see what Young's bare buttocks look like. Some classic heeling on Young's part. The match has a better ending sequence than the rest before it. Explaining to my friend why KUSHIDA looks like a Back to the Future cosplayer was my favorite part. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4
Motor City Machine Guns vs Trent and Gedo
One of many matches resulting from the card being altered by injury. Instead of getting RPG Vice proper, we got Trent and Gedo, since it seems Rocky Romero was injured.
The match itself was another fair bout that I will mostly forget about soon after typing this. It's not bad, and it could never be bad with all of the talents included. It was a head nod match, as you sit there swaying your head in idle approval. They were good. Everyone was good. But, it was a match. You get pulled in some by the joyously silly antics of Trent and Gedo, and that's mostly it. NYC loves Gedo, because why would you not? MUSCLE RATING: **34
Jushin “Thunder” Liger & the Briscoes vs Bullet Club (Tama Tonga, Tanga Loa & Adam Page)
Fans, as should be mandatory, were hot molten plasma for Liger. The Briscoes still look like prisoners who made the most of their time in incarceration. Also, Adam Page joined the BC at some point in the last week, and it feels like BC is furthering itself into the “one thousand member, only three of which are actually good” NWO era, making their shameless open rip off gimmick complete. I mean, Adam Page isn't bad, but he's a lot closer to a sedated Scott Norton in terms of worth to the stable rather than a Hogan, Nash, or a Hennig.
Another good – not great – match, though it's true worth is being there in the crowd who were openly abundant with joy over seeing Liger do anything. As well they should, for Liger is great and still exciting even with his incredibly advanced years. The twelfth string of the Bullet Club didn't leave much of an impression, though Tama seemed a little better here than he has in his recent tag excursions with his brother, Tanga Loa, who was a lump on the back of this match. But really, this match is about shoteis, too sweets, and some man up chants, and what else could be said? MUSCLE RATING: ***
Cedric Alexander vs Donovan Dijak w/ Prince Nana
The late breaking news to hear was that Cedric was going to leave ROH after this show. It seems he's being carted off to compete in EVOLVE and the Cruiserweight Classic. As such, this was the swan song of an underused man.
I keep ragging on Dijak, and he chronically keeps at making me feel foolish. I'm not sold on the man being the future of the company, but he and Alexander had a pretty even handed, blow for blow match here that was entertaining to see. It was Cedric's agility versus Dijak's power and surprisingly athletic offense, with an obligatory outcome but was all still told pretty well.
Dijak gets the inevitable win, as the crowd thanks Cedric, which I liked seeing. I've always lamented how Cedric Alexander was offensively misused in Ring of Honor, and it confuses me to say this but I hope the WWE treats him better, at least EVOLVE. I mark for Cedric, and I am curious to see where he goes from here. A great loss for ROH, even if they seemingly don't realize it. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2
ROH WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
Addiction (c) vs War Machine
Since Global Wars, the Addiction shockingly won the tag titles from War Machine. This was the rematch.
War Machine had the advantage for a time, their aggression and thick bearded brawling putting them at an early lead. Things fall apart when the eventual chicanery made itself known, as the Addiction began to cheat and scheme to get away with the titles. Eventually, they just use the belts on War Machine, giving them the DQ loss but allowing them to keep the belts.
Not a very interesting match. Dull, at many times, though the teams did try. Screw fest DQ endings tend to contain little interest for me, as the rating shows. Nothing special. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4
Intermission slid us into the next half of the show. Nothing much to report here, although at some point during the show there were tales of people getting beer thrown on them. Some of the wrestlers hung out around the sides by the flaked and wilting beige walls, hawking wares, autographs. I got a reDRagon DVD.
At some point, Taeler Hendrix beat up Mandy Leon, and two former Rosebuds explode! I've been meaning to watch the Women of Honor matches on YouTube, but I can't believe a day would come that I could confidently say that the WWE has a better women's division than anyone, but it's true here, especially when compared to the almost nebulous women's scene in Ring of Honor, a promotion that has never been big on the concept.
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs Reborn Matt Sydal
It's rare you get to see a living legend, and tonight there's at least three. Tanahashi is the Ace of the Century over in New Japan, and legitimately one of the best in the world with future, equally legitimate arguments for his being one of the greatest of all time. Originally he was supposed to have been tag teaming with Okada (which itself would have been huge, as I think they've only tagged once six years ago, before the “Rainmaker”). One shuffled card later, he takes on Matt Sydal, an incredible wrestler in his own right.
Tanahashi has what I consider to be the hallmark of the top tier of legendary wrestlers, a trait shared by the likes of Shawn Michaels and Bryan Danielson: the ability to work with any style. Used to fighting more of the NJPW heavyweight main event scene, Tanahashi easily adapts to battling the agile Sydal. Another great thing about this match is that, despite both of these wrestlers being NJPW regulars, because of story structure and weight class there is almost no chance that the two would ever face each other, especially in a singles scenario.
Tanahashi wins, but if you didn't figure that was to be the case then you haven't been paying attention. It was a great match, and it was amazing to see Tanahashi in a singles match and to see, in person, the type of aura and feel he brings. A great, back and forth match, and the second half of the show is already kicking hard into a higher gear. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4
Tetsuya Naito vs ACH
The crowd loves Naito, the newly crowned IWGP Heavyweight Champion. His trip to Mexico and the incorporation of his Los Ingobernables behavior is one of the greatest character changes since Nakamura started to shave the sides of his head and developed physical spasms like Vincent D'onofrio in Men In Black. ACH was popular as well, which was nice to see. I still have no idea what ROH is doing with ACH, and I worry he will eventually go the way of Cedric Alexander. It seems they only ever want to use him for dream match scenarios, which is fine, but ACH is a talent more deserving of longer term booking.
Another fantastic match here, made all the more impressive when you realize that Naito was legit suffering from a fever and an elbow injury, so much so that there were rumors that he would not be able to attend the show. The match has all the high flying moments and spots that you would expect from these two, with a surprising layer of aggressiveness, as the two engaged in some relatively hard hitting fisticuffs throughout. This also includes what appeared to be one of the more brutal instances of ACH's “flash kick” move, which looked like it damn near kicked Naito's face off. Naito wins, of course, but this match was stellar. The second half continues to impress. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4
Bullet Club (Adam Cole & Matt Jackson) vs “Rainmaker” Kazuchika Okada & Tomohiro Ishii vs ROH World Champion Jay Lethal & Roderick Strong
Before the injuries began to pile up, this was supposed to be an ROH All-Stars vs. New Japan tag match. I wonder how that would have gone, but it's hard for me to imagine it being much better than this.
This match had just about everything, from fun, audience participating schtick (Matt Jackson's “SUCK IT” and Adam Cole's “ADAM COLE, BAYBAY”) to all of the wrestling clinics and breakneck action you would expect from the three teams. The match had some minor allusions to storylines (like Lethal hating the BC and Ishii versus Strong) and some great real or pseudo hype for potential future matches (the crowd went crazy when Okada and Lethal faced each other).
The match was devoid of dull moments, and you pretty much couldn't look away the entire time. Seeing Ishii no sell the BC offense and Okada doing the “suck it” to Cole and Jackson were great bits of comedy thrown into a rigorous match. Strong in particular looked alpha here, and the ending stretch of the match boiled down to Strong throwing himself at everything that dared moved, throwing kicks and jumping knees halfway across the ring to take out anyone in front of him, finally hitting Ishii with one last knee strike and winning the match.
The crowd was hyped, and the match was great, and there's little more one could ask for there. It was disappointing to see no Rainmaker, but I wonder if they were trying to preserve the lore of the move, which NJPW is generally good at with some of their finishers. I wonder just how fruitful were the teases of some of these potential match ups, as I would drown saints to get an Okada and Lethal match. Will the Bullet Club and Lethal feud continue on? Also, is this Strong getting his win back on Ishii or are the two destined for one more match? MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2
Puddles of what I hope was beer sat still on the floor of Terminal 5 like many small lakes of diluted hopps and barley. Hundreds of “Okada bucks,” given to the audience to rain down on Okada for his entrance, lied on the ground like thick confetti, covered in parts by cardboard advertisements for no-name indie shows. The sea of the shouting and the drunk poured out the far exit and back out unleashed like zoo animals onto the streets of a late New York night,all of them now the world's problems, no longer beholden to the poor care of Terminal 5.
Getting back home was less of a struggle. We walked, talking about the evening's shows and the occasionally empty world of women's wrestling in 2016. We split up during the train rides back home, me and my pal eventually finding out way back to Hoboken, and from their home, talking about Ryback and the failure of flesh that is Alex Riley. I got home but didn't sleep thanks to my illness, which made the next day – the Rutgers graduation with Obama as the headliner – mostly unbearable.
War of the Worlds is over, as is this recent tour of the annual ROH/New Japan crossover. It wasn't the best live show I've ever seen, but it was a fun time with good people and terrible staff. This almost feels like a reset for Ring of Honor, one would hope, as they take on the rest of the year with a new slate. For me, I have nothing else live lined up for the foreseeable future, unless they announce another TakeOver special in Brooklyn.
All in all, a decent night, with memories of 2009-2012, when we used to go to live shows all the time.
MUSCLE MATCH OF THE NIGHT: Bullet Club (Adam Cole & Matt Jackson) vs “Rainmaker” Kazuchika Okada & Tomohiro Ishii vs ROH World Champion Jay Lethal & Roderick Strong
MUSCLE MAN OF THE NIGHT: Roderick Strong
MUSCLE JAPAN MAN OF THE NIGHT: Tetsuya Naito
ROSEBUD OF THE NIGHT: Taeler Hendrix
BEST STREETFIGHTER MOVED USED IN REAL LIFE: ACH's Flash Kick
BEST VENUE TO USE IN CASE OF POST APOCALYPTIC, POST WAR HORROR TRIALS: Terminal 5
WORST STAFF: Terminal 5
LARGEST HEAD TO BODY RATIO IN REAL LIFE: KUSHIDA. Seriously, that dude came off like a kokeshi doll.
