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You Call It Madness (But I Call It Love)

Zalgo gets drunk, and Slenderman is the one who has to pick him up.

☾.⋆˙⟡ Contents: Alcohol consumption (off-screen), alcohol, crack treated seriously, established relationship, fluff, domestic fluff, soft, comfort no hurt, kissing, they're seriously just disgustingly in love

ִֶָ☾.⋆˙⟡ Words: 3.2k

ִֶָ☾.⋆˙⟡ A/N: Title from You Call It Madness (But I Call It Love) by Don Byas There's a little more worldbuilding spread throughout this! And I'm also spreading my 'Zalgo likes Lady Gaga's music' propaganda lol This is based on a conversation between @skellinore, @machinev1, and me in the discord server lmao. It's literally just crack. But soft and domestic and silly <3 Enjoy!

ִֶָ☾.⋆˙⟡ Read on Ao3

Sometimes, Slenderman wonders why he puts up with his husband at all.

When one of the messenger birds flies through the window, interrupting the Court meeting he is oh-so-graciously attending in Zalgo's absence, he expects quite a few things.

Reading that his husband had gotten piss-drunk in a liquor store and is now passed out in the bathroom, is not one of them.

Slenderman calmly folds the letter in half. Folds it again.

Debates burning the paper and leaving Zalgo in the bathroom to deal with his fate.

''Pardon me,'' he sighs after a few tense seconds of silence. He stands up, his seat screeching against the tile, and a few demons flinch at the noise. ''I have just been informed of pressing matters I must deal with. Meeting adjourned.''

It wasn't like they had made any progress. Just the usual squabbles about territory, trade routes, and other important matters that the demons of the Court always managed to fight both of them tooth and nail on.

He walks out of the room, the demons behind him sputtering like they actually care about any of it. Damn nobles, uncaring for anyone but their own agendas…

''Y-Your Majesty, you can't just-''

''But we still-''

''Your Majesty, what about-''

But Slenderman has already left in search of his troublesome husband.

The address isn't hard to find.

Especially not with Zalgo's Chaos spiking all over the place.

The shop sign says 'closed', but Slenderman heeds it no mind.

The owner - seven feet of a trembling, dark blue skinned demon, none of their seven black eyes meeting his gaze - bows deeply as Slenderman walks in. "Your- Your Majesty, I'm so sorry for troubling you-"

"It is alright," Slenderman responds curtly. This is much more interesting than dealing with the nobility of Hell, after all. "I was not busy. Where is he?"

"In- In the bathroom, sire," the demon winces as they realize what that must sound like. "I- I did not want to disturb His Majesty, and with all the Chaos around…"

Slenderman eyes the bottles of liquor - or rather, what used to be bottles of liquor, and have now been warped by Zalgo's powers into something resembling balloon animals. Balloon animals if they somehow were on steroids, that is.

Yes. Letting Zalgo be seems like a smart choice for the shop owner.

He nods as they make their way to the bathroom. "That seems like a wise choice. It might even teach him a lesson."

It probably won't.

The demon blinks, its thoughts revealing a whirlwind of emotions - confusion, fear, a hint of amusement.

''Be at ease,'' Slenderman says, his voice a little more amused than before. ''There is no harm done. Zalgo did this to himself.''

''… I suppose so, but still-''

''None of that,'' Slenderman cuts in, walking through the chaos with familiarity. The ground feels like jelly and acts like quicksand, but Slenderman is quick to draw on his own powers so neither of them sink through the ground, stabilizing the atoms.

''To your left, sire,'' the demon says timidly as they approach a series of doors. ''At least, it used to be the left one…''

''And it still is,'' Slenderman responds with unwavering certainty. He can feel Zalgo's signature chaotic energy behind the door. He turns back to the demon. ''Thank you for notifying me. You may leave.''

The demon bows and leaves the hallway. Seconds later, the bell at the front of the shop chimes once, and then again as the door closes behind the poor shop owner.

Slenderman turns back to the left door, and pushes it open.

Inside is his darling husband, laying on the bathroom floor - ew - surrounded by multiple bottles of hard liquor. Enough to kill a mortal ten times over.

Several of Zalgo's lidded, drunk-hazed eyes focus on him, but most stay trained on the… is that a galaxy he's creating?

He promptly decides that it is none of his business.

(Even if it very much is. If Zalgo really wanted to create a galaxy without it exploding in his face, Slenderman would have to help. They'd have to mix Slenderman's Order with Zalgo's Chaos, to stabilize the atoms, to create perfect harmony.)

But even from his vantage point by the door, Slenderman can see this isn't going to be anything substantial. Zalgo is way too drunk for that.

Instead, he sighs and walks forward.

''And what,'' he deadpans, disappointment dripping from every syllable, ''is the meaning of this?''

Big red eyes stare at him.

Slenderman waits.

One… Two…

''Slendy!'' Zalgo slurs, a lopsided grin appearing on his face. He leans forward, almost falling flat on his face. ''Heeeey!''

Slenderman wants to be mad. He's filled in for Zalgo during today's Court meeting, after all, under the assumption that Zalgo had to take care of something important. Not get drunk in a godsdamned liquor store.

But Gods, that grin. How Zalgo immediately brightens when he sees him. It makes his heart melt each and every time.

''Hey,'' Slenderman responds, crouching next to Zalgo. ''What're you doing, hmm?''

''I dunno!'' his darling demon giggles unhelpfully. The tip of his tail swishes happily. ''Messin' around!''

Ah.

For as much as Slenderman knows Zalgo has incredible control over his powers, he also can't help but be worried.

''And what if we messed around somewhere outside of the city centre, darling?'' he suggests.

Zalgo stills.

The galaxy he'd been carefully crafting explodes, much to Slenderman's bewilderment. On pure instinct, he reaches out to stabilize the mess, before it becomes a chain reaction.

The sparks and glitter - since when is glitter involved in creating a galaxy? Whatever, this is Zalgo, applying logic to a God of Chaos would be insane - cover his face, which is now a bright, glowing red.

What the fuck?

''What-''

''Darling?'' Zalgo repeats, his voice strangled. Flustered, Slenderman realizes.

''… Yes, 'darling','' Slenderman repeats. His hands still hover over Zalgo's. ''Is that… an issue?''

''… No,'' Zalgo slurs after a while, eyes still wide. All of his eyes are trained on Slenderman. ''Just… surprised me, is all.''

''Why?''

''Because,'' Zalgo gestures at him like it's obvious. ''you're, like, super hot.''

A beat of silence. Slenderman can feel the grey flush creep up on his cheeks.

''… Zalgo, I have no face.''

''Exactly.'' Zalgo leans a little closer, grinning wildly. ''Ohhh, you're so adorable when you blush~!''

''Do not try to change the topic, my Chaos.'' Slenderman clears his throat, willing himself to concentrate. ''Why, in the Nine Circles, would you be surprised by me calling you darling?''

''I told you! You're hot!'' Zalgo stares at him earnesty. Slenderman stares back.

Just as he's about to push further, to get to the bottom of this, Zalgo starts singing. ''… then you're cold, you're yes, then you're no!''

… Yeah, Slenderman is getting nowhere with this. Not when Zalgo is this drunk and his thoughts are even more incomprehensible than usual.

''… You still have stardust on your face,'' Slenderman interrupts. He needs to get back on track. He needs to get them home as soon as possible. And for Zalgo to take a shower. He does not want to think about just how dirty the floor is.

He stands up and grabs one of the towels. Reaching out, he grabs one of the remnants of a small, marble-sizes star, and bends the atoms to his will. It condenses into water, and he uses it to wet the towel.

''You're so cool.'' He hears Zalgo sigh behind him. A glance reveals his husband, now laying on his stomach, with his head propped up on his fists. His feet are kicked up in the air and swinging, just as playfully as his tail.

Slenderman snorts. ''And you're acting ridiculous.''

''Excuse you! I am a delight~!''

He sighs fondly as he crouches in front of Zalgo. ''Adorable, is what you are.''

The purr that erupts from Zalgo's throat is cute. It stutters and lulls in some places, as if even this instinctual reaction is altered by the alcohol.

Slenderman starts to wipe the stardust from Zalgo's face. ''Hold still.''

Surprisingly, Zalgo does. The only movement he makes is when the towel moves over his sensitive nose. It scrunches up, before he sneezes and giggles. ''That- That tickles!''

Slenderman chuckles fondly. ''I bet it does. Now, what were you doing here, causing mischief on your own?''

''Hmmm, Thir'ir insisted that I try the new booze he made,'' Zalgo shares happily. ''It was sooooo good!''

Slenderman eyes the bottles of liquor strewn around. ''I can see that.''

''Mhm!'' Zalgo smacks his lips and reaches clumsily for a bottle. ''Here, try this one! 's got souls of the damned infused to it, got a real kicker!''

Slenderman gently lowers Zalgo's hand, the liquid sloshing inside. ''Maybe later, my love. We have to go home.''

''Already?'' Zalgo whines. ''C'mon, just one drink!''

''No,'' Slenderman declines again. ''Later.''

Zalgo boos - loudly - then promptly becomes dead weight as Slenderman tries to pick him up.

''… Seriously?'' Slenderman groans. ''You are not a child, Zalgo.''

Zalgo mutters something.

''… I shall pretend I did not hear that,'' Slenderman says, narrowing his eyes. ''Get up. Do not make me drag you home by the horns.''

Zalgo lifted his face and glared - the effect ruined by the flush on his face due to the alcohol. ''Make me.''

Dragging the drunk King of Hell back to their castle by his horns had not been part of Slenderman's plans when he woke up this morning.

And it all could have been avoided if Zalgo had just listened and got up so Slenderman could teleport them back.

As it was, though, the King just has to tolerate the humiliation of being dragged through the city centre by his horns. And not in the hot kind, if Zalgo's hissing and growling is any indication.

It probably doesn't help that the demon has to bend down due to their height difference. Or that people are staring, bewildered at the sight of their king being dragged along like a misbehaving child throwing a hissy fit.

Which, in Slenderman's opinion, is a pretty apt description.

''Hey! Lemme go!'' Zalgo growls, eyes blazing. He bucks, trying to yank his head back, but Slenderman only tightens his grip. A bad idea on Zalgo's end, since the demon is still pretty drunk and stumbles even more.

''No,'' Slenderman says for the nth time. ''You brought this upon yourself.''

''Did not!''

''Yes, you did.''

''Did not!''

''Zalgo,'' Slenderman snaps, patience fraying. ''Cease this childishness.''

''Ya can't tell me what to do!''

''Oh for the love of-'' Slenderman counts to ten in his mind, and exhales slowly.

''Hold onto me and hold your breath.''

''Try me, you-''

''Oh my Gods, stop being so stubborn for five seconds!'' Slenderman hisses. A burst of static makes Zalgo pause.

It's silent for a few, long seconds.

Slenderman swears heads are about to roll if Zalgo doesn't cooperate.

''… Okay,'' the demon acquiesces, finally sensing the mood. ''Fine.''

Slenderman breathes a sigh of relief, and waits until Zalgo's hand rests on his shoulder.

He teleports them straight to their bedroom, and Zalgo collapses into their bed immediately.

''Zalgo.'' Slenderman cringes at the thought of all the filth that is now in their bed. ''You need to shower. And drink some water.''

''No,'' Zalgo hums, already melting into the soft pelts and blankets of their nest. '''m comfy.''

Slenderman sighs.

Looks at the ceiling.

Mentally counts to ten.

''Zalgo.''

''Hmm.''

''Get up.''

''No.''

Slenderman lets out another heavy sigh.

Then, resolutely, he walks over to the bed, flips Zalgo around, and starts to unbutton his dress shirt.

''Hey- Wait! Wait, wait, stop!'' Zalgo immediately protests, and the panic in his voice makes Slenderman pause immediately.

''What? What is wrong?''

''Lemme go!'' Zalgo protests, trying to wiggle out of his grip. He pushes at his hands, trying to get them off, with the strength of a wet noodle. ''I've already got a mate, you perv!''

A beat.

''Zalgo,'' Slenderman says, exasperated, and trying very hard not to laugh. He's so adorable when he's drunk. ''I am your mate.''

Zalgo pauses, and all of his eyes focus on him. The demon leans closer, and scents the air.

The room temperature spikes ten degrees.

''… Oh.''

''Yes, 'oh'.'' Slenderman snorts fondly. ''Goodness, my love, how strong was that stuff?''

''Pretty strong, apparently,'' Zalgo mumbles, still looking at Slenderman with a quiet look of reverence. ''Wow. I'm the damn luckiest demon alive.''

Slenderman laughs quietly, a low, static-y sound that makes Zalgo purr and his tail swish.

''May I continue to undress you, love?'' Slenderman asks.

The temperature spikes another five degrees.

''That might be the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me,'' Zalgo swoons.

''You need to shower, and you are about as coordinated as a newborn deer right now, my love,'' Slenderman states bluntly. The room temperature lowers again.

''Buzzkill,'' Zalgo pouts. ''I was trying to flirt.''

''I know,'' Slenderman responds, pressing a kiss to those pouty lips. ''But I also know you, my love. If you had it your way, that shower would be the last thing to happen.''

Zalgo sighs dramatically. ''Ugh, fine, undress me or whatever.''

''Now, none of that,'' Slenderman huffs a laugh. ''I am just trying to take care of you.''

''You're also being a neatfreak,'' his husband points out. ''C'moooon, kiss me.''

''You are so clingy when you are drunk,'' Slenderman sighs fondly. ''Water and shower first. Then, we can cuddle and kiss as much as you want.''

Zalgo's eyes sparkle and he grins widely. ''I'll keep you to that.''

Slenderman takes one look at his swaying husband and decides the shower won't work.

So a bath it is.

Their bath - which is a brimstone pit filled with lava, embedded into the floor itself - glows faintly as they approach, bubbling invitingly.

However, trying to corral Zalgo into the bath is… a far more difficult task than it ought to be.

Only when he adds bubbles to the bath does Zalgo finally settle down.

(And no, he does not want to think of the logistics of adding bubbles to lava, this is Zalgo's department of chaos. Not his division.)

… As much as 'playing with the bubbles in drunken, childish glee and flooding the bathroom as a result' can be considered settling down.

''Stay still,'' Slenderman grumbles as he tries to clean Zalgo with a washcloth. Zalgo just snickers and blows more bubbles at him. ''Love…''

''You should see your face,'' Zalgo snorts. ''You're so grumpy, Slendy. Heh. y-y. Grump-y, Slend-y. It rhymes!''

''It… does not,'' Slenderman sighs. ''And I do not have a face.''

But, whatever nonsensical, insane thing Zalgo's mind now hones in on - drunkenly yell-singing 'grumpy Slendy' - at least keeps him still, and Slenderman takes the opportunity to rinse off his husband.

Zalgo continues his affront on the theatrical and musical arts by inexplicably matching the two-word lyrics to the melody of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. Slenderman hates that it doesn't sound terrible, even if the two-word lyrics makes him want to bash his head against the wall after the first one and a half minute.

''I'm going to wash of your tail now,'' he warns, because he knows it is sensitive and he does not want to find out how well Zalgo's claws could tear through his skin.

''Okay,'' Zalgo responds happily, draping it on the edge for easier access, and goes back to singing.

After another minute of it, Slenderman considers gagging him. Or dunking his head in the lava to shut him up.

''Zalgo,'' Slenderman grits out. His non-existent eye twitches as the demon's voice starts to grate on his nerves. ''Please, for the love of everything holy and unholy, stop.''

Zalgo, thank the fucking Gods, stops singing. ''But I was having fun!''

''You are behaving like a child,'' Slenderman responds. ''Cease it, or I shall sleep in the guest room tonight.''

Zalgo gasps. He looks aghast, his eyes wide and his mouth dropped open in shock. ''You- You wouldn't dare!''

Slenderman meets his gaze. ''Would I not?''

A beat of silence.

''… Okay, fine, I'll stop,'' Zalgo sulks.

Then, he rolls around, now leaning on the brimstone edge with crossed arms. There's a pout on his face, and it's far more adorable than it should be. ''Can I still have my cuddles, though, my flame?''

''As many as you'd like,'' Slenderman responds, his icy facade melting. He cards a long, slender hand through the wet strands of Zalgo's hair. Zalgo immediately brightens, and leans into the touch with a happy purr.

Gods.

Slenderman really does love him. Even if Zalgo drives him absolutely insane at times.

Getting Zalgo out of the bath is a much easier ordeal.

The buzz of alcohol is starting to fade, and under threat of being separated from his mate, Zalgo is much more docile.

''There we go,'' Slenderman groans, satisfied, as they lean against the back wall of their nest. With the help of several of his tendrils, he pulls Zalgo close, nice and snug. ''Clean and safe.''

Zalgo snorts something that sounds dangerously close to 'old man', but Slenderman lets it slide. The atmosphere is much too relaxed to keep correcting his husband.

Besides, as Zalgo starts peppering his neck with soft kisses, it seems like his husband has other plans.

''Affectionate today, are we?'' Slenderman teases softly, his fingers finding the silky strands of Zalgo's hair once again.

''For you? Always,'' Zalgo murmurs. His lips slowly travel upwards, from his neck to his jawline, to the corner of his mouth - or rather, where it would be.

Slenderman huffs a laugh, all but melting under the affection. ''You are… ridiculous.''

''I think you meant 'devilishly handsome','' Zalgo leans back, grinning at him. ''I am a delight, my flame.''

''Sure,'' Slenderman murmurs indulgently. His hands cup his strong jaw, thumbs smoothing over warm skin. He leans forward, and their heads tilt, bodies already familiar with this millennia-old song and dance.

Their lips connect, and both of them melt into it. Zalgo sighs and eases into it, like he's been starved for this all day. Even Slenderman can't help his shoulders from relaxing, the stress from the day finally ebbing away in his husband's presence.

They share slow, languid kisses, filled with love and affection and admiration. This is less about passion, and more about the comfort they find in each other.

Eventually, they pull away for air, and Slenderman presses their foreheads together. Zalgo presses another kiss to his mouth - when it had appeared, Slenderman doesn't know.

All he knows is, when Zalgo snuggles against him like a demonic teddy bear, that his heart is warm and full.

I hope you enjoyed reading! I certainly enjoy writing my old eldritch yaoi. If you have any requests, my inbox is open!

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