musing at home

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Year of Epiphanies and Decisions

2020 has been weird for everyone including me. The sense of isolation that forced self-reflection had compelled me to confront my biggest questions. Years of avoiding have finally caught up and I had nowhere to escape. The time has finally come for me to decide. 

The year had started on a wrong foot but I had never expected it to warp into such a horrendous one. It started with a heavy and endless rain on the eve of 31st December 2019. Not long after, received news that my students’ homes in have been submerged in water since wee hours in the morning. Not knowing exactly what to do I went down anyway with the other volunteers. Gave some meals and water, hoping that it will provide some aid. Alas, it wasn’t the only time I had to do this.

The flooding came again and again. Heavy rain and poor waste management were to blame. January and February were filled with anxiety every time it rained. 3 live CCTVs’ streams had been my constant companions during these downpours, checking for any signs of raising water. 

It all finally cleared up.

When March came, I was glad that we haven’t heard any flooding news for a while. The month seemed poised that it will be a better month. How wrong was I.

Mid March marched along and the first order of lockdown was signed. Confusion and anxiety wafted throughout the city. I felt uncertain and worried but back then I felt some sort of confidence that everything was gonna be fleeting. I just needed to endure this state for a few weeks and maybe a month or so and everything would return to normal. Again, I was wrong.

The isolation extended to a much longer period. At first I didn’t mind or more like I didn’t have the time to mind. Work became crazy, all plans tossed out, new last-minute initiatives pushed in. All was an effort to stay relevant during the pandemic. It really had become blur to me now - all I could remember were the long hours, the stress and the push to just keep going. I was due for a rotation early June and kept looking at the date like a marathoner thinking of the finish line. 

The day finally came and I moved on to another department. Contrary to my expectations, I didn’t feel a pang of sadness. What I felt was a huge wave of relief. Finally, an escape from the long hours and dreadful responsibility.

I finally had time to breathe. 

The month started slow as expected and I was unwilling to move it faster. I felt like a newcomer again, learning everything. A nice pace of change, a new library of knowledge, new people to get familiar with. It was all pointing to me making the right decision to move. Despite having more time, my mind didn’t wander much. It was just a much deserved and needed break. 

July came and I was asked to finally go home. Having avoided months of returning home, I decided to go back to stay for a week during the long weekend, never planning to stay a day longer. However, I was asked to stay and didn’t have much reason to say no. At this point, I didn’t know that it would be a start of a grueling period.  

How different could it be, right? Working from home is working from home even if you’re in two different places. You still needed to make the calls. You still needed to work overtime. You still needed to meet deadlines. But they couldn’t be more different.

The first few weeks went without much of a hitch. Or at least I didn’t remember the first few weeks having been horrible. But as the time went on, I felt home was sucking out of my already limited energy. Having to do house chores that I would rather not, having listened to stories that drained my emotions, having to stay truly at home. I had no freedom. I had no escapes. Slowly but surely, I descended into a state of despair. 

It might be early September that I started thinking, “It’s okay for me to die”. I was never suicidal and even then never thought about taking my own life. But I was fine if all had to end. Then all this suffering would end. 

This feeling continued to haunt me for weeks and months. I was reluctant to find help or share my stories to others. I felt so scrutinised at home and thought that if I did the above they would ask questions that I would rather not entertain. So life went on and my feelings continued to worsen. 

It finally came to a breaking point. I had to escape and do something about it. With the weakest of reasons, I finally decided to leave home and back to my apartment. 

I had my freedom back; I was able to do what I want to do whenever I want to do it and however I want to do it. It was the best decision that I had made. And one of the first orders of business was to arrange a session with a therapist. 

I remembered that first session rather vividly. Not feeling 100% comfortable at my apartment, I decided to have the call at the office. The appointment was at 7 o’clock. I sat alone in one of the interview rooms with paper, a pen, my handphone and earphones. I was nervous and didn’t know what to expect of it all. The call finally came in and I picked up.

It was the first time that I finally was able to share all of the above stories with someone. The first time I could share without feeling that I would be judged. The first time that I truly felt that I would become better eventually. The first time that somebody told me, “It’s not okay to think that it’s okay to die”. The therapist biggest advice was for me to find a purpose.

Till today I still haven’t found that all grandeur purpose. I think my therapist wasn’t a particularly good one but to me it seemed that the real value was to be able to tell my stories to someone without any fear of a backlash. To hear someone else’s impartial perspective to your life was refreshing. And I did come away with one advice that still stuck with me: “Treat yo’self”. 

So I did the work. I treated myself, I started cooking again, feeding myself good breakfast. I started reading again, buying books almost indiscriminately. Trying to find some motion and enjoyment from the freedom that I recently earned. But one thing still bugged me, my volunteering commitment. 

It was something I never wanted and always felt unsupported. A committee of five felt more like a committee of one. Granted others were still doing their job but I felt lonely and exhausted. It reached a point where I just finally stopped doing anything. Resorting to an excuse that I am moving department at work which was true but we all knew it was an excuse.

This last stressor had finally gone and I could breathe freely again. 

This was the moment in months where I felt confident that everything was going to be okay. I still held dearly to it. Gradually, I felt better and better but something was still gnawing at me. Months of reflection and self-work finally brought me to confront questions that up until then I did not dare to answer.  

But answered I did.

I finally made the decisions that I knew had been true to my identity for so many years but never wanted to accept. Two facets of my identity that would alienate me from a lot of people, especially my family. But I could deny no longer.

I am an agnostic and a queer.

Fiuh, what a relief! To be able to put the declaration out there to the world. To live honestly without having to think that I need to change. Granted I still had a lot of things to figure out but this felt like a great first step to an amazing journey. 

Here’s hoping to a better 2021 and a year where I can live proudly with my decisions.

[musingathome-blog]

What Is Meant To Be

Late last year, an unfortunate incident befell upon me; a turn of event that changed everything that I had planned. Everything that I imagined my life to be, became mere wishes stored in boxes labelled unfulfilled dreams. I was extremely disappointed.

To make matters worse, I felt that I had no control whatsoever to the occurrence of the incidence. It was something out of my hands, something that I had no influence at all. Trying to rationalise all these, I believed that Power that Be had planned something for me. THERE HAS TO BE A MEANING TO ALL THIS, I said to myself. 

But is it true?

I’d like to believe that everything happens for a reason. An interaction of causes that result in an event that have a meaning to us. I had a motorbike accident because I was careless but it also reminded me to be more careful on the road. Granted, the causes may not be within our control but there HAS to be a meaning behind it, right?

It’s a question that I’ve asked myself time and again. It had left me wondering and at times felt frustrated and depressed. I couldn’t seem to find the meaning and lessons in all of these. I’ve paid my dues, I ticked all the boxes and felt like it’s time that I started reaping some benefits. But it didn’t turn out that way. I still am left in a situation that I hoped I had climbed out of after working my ass of. It felt terrible. It felt terrible for months.

I was in a funk for months. Working and all that, but it never felt really good. Something was always ‘wrong’.

Then came a conversation that I had with an old friend. It was not a session where I poured my hearts out trying to gain sympathy and a place to vent. It was just a catch-up. It was simply a conversation of what have you done for the past few years, do you remember this and we should do this again.

But to me, it was beyond that. It was an epiphany. 

From this conversation, I realised that opportunities are abound ahead. There are so many things that I can do and the incident doesn’t have to be a defining characteristic in my life.  Choices that I can make to turn things around. I started a new path towards true acceptance. To really accept everything that happened to me and start moving forward: start making meaning to my life. 

It was a new beginning.

The Higher Being may indeed have plans in store for me. That all of these were indeed for a reason. But I’ve gotten it all wrong. Instead of trying to guess whatever that is, it is up to me to take charge and make that meaning for myself. Stop being a passive agent in my life and start taking the steering wheel. Make choices that make me happy. Make choices that make meaning. Start living.

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Aspiration: Polyglot

The art of writing always has a special place in my heart. I’m mesmerised by the new world constructed by mere imagination and a string of sentences made up out of the 26 letters in the alphabet. This fascination is the origin of my aspiration to become a polyglot.

Then the interests in languages grew when I came to Singapore and began learning English in earnest (out of survival need). With limited mastery in the language and frequent consultations with my Longman Dictionary, I devoured books in its true from, without the dilution of translation, and was exposed to a whole new horizon. A deeper understanding of an author’s work, an ability to see nuances in the choice of words, a renewed fascination with writing. By then, I understood the power of languages and how it opened a new world.

With mastery in a new language comes a reflection and deeper understanding of my own native language. How certain ideas are better expressed in a certain language, how there are inherent moral and cultural values that are embedded in the language, how the absence or presence of certain words is explained by where the language comes from. It fascinates me. 

And when I began to learn Japanese, a language that interests me since I grew up reading mangas, I realised how rewarding the pursuit can be. Ability to understand letters foreign to me, a greater appreciation when the anime characters use “-chan” instead “-san”, a better understanding of the culture. But most of all, I enjoy the almost instantaneous feeling of personal development. One new word, one new achievement. Of course, mastering the language requires so much more than one word per day but you can’t deny that rewarding sense of progress.

This motivation to learn languages also comes from the fact that I think I’m quite good at it. I enjoyed and scored well for my French, a few of my friends said that my accent sounds rather on point, and I managed to get a seat for higher level Japanese despite being a self-learner. Learning languages become a simple ego boost.

It’s painfully obvious to me that mastery for these foreign languages won’t come easy especially without an opportunity for immersion and rather half-hearted learning. Nonetheless, I still enjoy it and I hope it might come handy sometime in the unknown future. A time where I can proudly say that I am a polyglot.

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You are the sum of your experiences

I never like the phrase “I was born this way”. It too conveniently explains a complex phenomenon and reduces it to genetic happenstance and luck, a mere coincidence which we have no control over. It defies our abilities to change, to be somebody that we wish to be, somebody that we can be. 

It limits us. 

Granted, there are, of course, things that are explained by our genetic makeup. Our eye colour, our blood type, our height, and more. Much can also be attributed to the circumstances of our birth like our social class and privileges. But it seems grossly unfair to try explaining who we are by blaming everything on nature.

When a person confronts you for your weakness, you can’t simply defend yourself by hiding behind the “born this way” argument. Say you are easily irritated and you get angry every other day, you can’t blame your genes and say that you’re “born that way” and it’s hard for you to change. That’s simply annoying and doesn’t make sense. 

It limits you. 

That quality of being hot-tempered is born out of your experiences. You maybe raised by short-tempered parents, you maybe raised in a household where anger is tolerated or you may not have faced any consequences of your anger. These experiences have shaped you to be who you are.  Of course, it goes beyond explaining your shortcomings. That strength that you are proud of is also a product of your experiences; your upbringing, your education, your friends and so much more. So, to understand who you are really begins with reviewing how your experiences and people around you have affected who you become.  

You may then start blaming other people for your shortcomings. And true enough, it may be 0% your fault and 100% their fault. But as a guy I follow on Facebook says, “It may not be your fault but it’s your responsibility.” It’s on your power to change how you live, to defy the experiences that you had and shape who you want to become. 

Don’t accord somebody else the power over your life. Start taking ownership and stop blaming others. Be the person who you want to be, be the person who you can be. 

Stop limiting yourself. 

[musingathome-blog]

I’m scared to write

When I was in high school, I didn’t understand when my arts friend said that he’s afraid of baring too much of himself in his work. What does a painting of a bowl of fruits have anything to do with baring your soul? It seems like an illogical proposition, almost a fallacy. Now, years after that comment, I finally understood what he meant and I do feel the same in showing too much of myself in my writing.

Granted, art pieces and writing are very different. When you express yourself through sculptures and drawings, the resulting piece can be too abstract too decipher. This same can be said about creative writing like poetry. It’s not that easy to understand the author’s aim and the true meaning of the poems just by reading them. That being said, every art piece and every poem carry a little piece of the creator be it an expression of emotion or a message to the world. Hence, my friend’s quote.

On the other hand, in essays, ideas are expressed so much more clearly with little or almost no room to venture a different interpretation. An author who espouses the value of communism can be easily be regarded as a communist and the reader is not wrong in interpreting that.

This is why I am very hesitant to write in public. I have always thought of doing a personal project for my development that have a bearing to people who are close to me and beyond. A blog where I shed some light on current issues and help people see the world in another perspective. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid of scrutiny and criticisms. But more than anything, I’m afraid that people will judge me just based on my writing without even knowing who I really am.  

"He writes about how conflict in the Rakhine state is more than religious persecution, he must be an infidel.”No! I’d like to think I’m seeing beyond the surface and trying to understand why the conflict persists for so long.

“He believes in leftist ideologies, he must be a communist and an atheist.” I do believe that equality sought by socialist has some merits and should not be dismissed without second thoughts. 

“He always comments about the latest soap operas, he must not have an exciting life and just spends his day watching day time television.” Ouch! I might be a lazy ass but I have life as well - I play games. 

So for now, let me retreat to my own personal space, write to my own content and without fear of any judgment. Maybe someday, I will gather enough courage to stand up for my beliefs and step out of my bubble. 

So long my CV-boosting personal development project.

[musingathome-blog]

Reputation is an idle and most false imposition; oft got without merit, and lost without deserving.

Shakespeare

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Persuasion: The Art of the Silver Tongues

59 seconds project is a project to optimise my learning from a book by Richard Wiseman, “59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot”.

Trying to persuade your unmotivated child to study by rewarding him a PS4 (or Xbox One) if he gets an A for his maths? Think again. The key may not lie in rewards but occasional surprises as well as encouraging comments praising their hard work. To master the skill of persuasion, you need not be a silver tongue. What you need is to understand how our minds work. 

Research analysed in the book shows that rewards can be counterproductive, it may signal to children that studying is not something they like to do hence they need rewards to complete the drudgery. 

Having a sneak peek to how our minds work can also help us ace that job interview. It turns out qualifications, job experience and other things may be secondary in importance compared to likability. And being likable isn't that hard.

During job interview, show how passionate you are in working for the company, be genuine in your words. Smile and eye contact are a given. How about the reason you were fired from the previous company? Mention your weaknesses in early in the interview to signal that you are a candid person. That employee of the month award? Mention it later, as you want to be seen as a modest person who doesn't go around brandishing your achievements. Lastly, keep it short and sweet. Avoid complicated language, unless you are required to discuss some technical stuff. All these enhance your likability and hopefully, help you land that dream job. And if you make any small mistake, worry not. Occasional slipup can actually enhance your likability, if you are in danger of being seen as too perfect. 

Trying to get somebody to do a favour? Start small. The so called "Franklin Effect" explains that people like you more when they do a favour for you. And avoid any gossip! People tend to assign the negative qualities of people you talk about to you (You should not gossip before knowing this piece of info anyway). When asking a favour, be polite. Ask the person how is he doing. People are more likely to agree with you when they have already said something positive. And another important thing to do is to ask the favour over a meal or a cup of coffee. Meal and coffee put people at ease and are more inclined to agree with you.

And if you helping a fund raising event to help that local charity organisation that you care about. Two important tips: Label your donation box, "Every penny helps" and tell that story about that girl who has been suffering from thalassemia. "Every penny helps" tells people that the amount they contribute is irrelevant as long as they contribute. And that heart-wrenching story makes the cause more relatable than some heartless statistics.

All in all, the art of persuasion does not always lie in how smooth-spoken you are. Aspiring to be a silver tongue? Think again. Master how minds work and you may get your way without sounding disgusting.

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I really wonder why Gerry Gergich is so clumsy, like really clumsy. And why doesn't he tell people that his real name is Gerry not Jerry?

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Happiness: Creating That Perfect Smile

59 seconds project is a project to optimise my learning from a book by Richard Wiseman, "59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot".

Put a pencil in your mouth. Ok, wipe it first. Hold the pencil between your teeth. But, don't let it touch your lips. Yes, like that. Hold that position for a few seconds. Great! Now, don't you feel happier? 

It turns out that doing that, forces lower part of your face to smile and this in turn make you happier! It seems that happiness that is so often deemed as elusive for many is as easy as having a pencil and putting it in your mouth. And this is just one of the many tips written by Wiseman in his book. There are many others like, sitting upright (doesn't work for woman apparently), act happy, be kind and et cetera. 

But, how can you smile when you have no money? Indeed money is often seen as the cornerstone of any happiness.Interestingly, a study done by Illinois University discovered that the richest Americans are only slightly happier than the average American. It seems that if you can afford necessities, any increase in income does not lead to significant increase in happiness.

This doesn't mean that money can't buy you happiness. Good news: money can still buy you happiness. Start spending money on experience, like going for a meal, a movie, or a trip which will leave you happier than buying that latest Prada bag. And if you still insist on buying that Prada bag, buy it for your girlfriend. While it sounds counterintuitive, it is proven scientifically that giving makes you happier. And if you really like that latest Prada bag and wants to keep it, just buy something else for your girlfriend. As long as you give something, you will still be happier regardless of the amount. 

Another important tip is to start writing a diary. It helps everybody including macho males who think diary is gay (and by the way that is a stereotype! You homophobes!). There are a few topics that can help you create that perfect smile. 

Write what you are thankful for. It is like during thanksgiving but you do it now. You can write anything even things like a good cup of coffee in the morning. For me, I am thankful for a lot of things. Two eyes that can see the azure sky. Two ears that can listen to 'I See Fire' by Ed Sheeran. Enough money to feed me bread for breakfast. Family that calls me while I am out barbecuing with my friend, asking me what I am doing. Opportunity to pursue undergraduate studies in a foreign land and many more. 

Write about your perfect future, but be realistic! Imagine all the obstacles that may stand in a way, and guess what? You have overcome them like a Leslie Knope. I imagine myself sitting on a beach in Wakatobi, Indonesia wearing a diving suit. Seeing a clear blue ocean with cute clown fish and pretty corals. Thinking how all those months working overtime has paid off. Then I sigh with relief and continue immersing myself in the beauty of Mother Nature.

Write about someone you love. It can be a letter telling this person how important he/she is in your life. And show how much you care about him/her. For me it will be my mom. A supermom. She wakes up early everyday to cook for the family, then leaves for work at around 7am and goes home at around 8pm. The sacrifice she makes is endless and uncountable. The least I can do is not to make her disappointed. And I really hope I have made her happy. 

So act happy, help people, write a diary and happiness will not be as elusive as a pegasus anymore. May we live happily ever after. 

[musingathome-blog]

59 Seconds Project

A quarter of a song, two bites of a pizza, two hundreds words of a book. There are only a few tasks you can do under a minute. The book, "59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot" by Richard Wiseman (http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6340948-59-seconds) attempts to teach you to do much more: To change your life. This project is my attempt to embed each byte of knowledge from the book on my brain and maybe yours too.

Underlying the book is a concept that is put forward by William James often regarded as one of the founding fathers of psychology. He states that not only do our our thoughts and feelings affect the way we act, but the way we act influences our thoughts and feelings.

In subsequent posts, I will sum up the points put forward in the book by chapter. Hopefully making it concise and memorable enough so that they will stay as long as Happy Birthday song in our brains. 

[musingathome-blog]

To feel music.

Maybe the greatest pleasures in life is to listen to music. To feel that shiver down your spine and the goosebumps. To feel the soothing tone of slow music and the agony of sad songs. To sense the anger, the frustration, the depression. The emotional roller coaster. And to enjoy that lingering music after the music ends.To savour every second of its beauty. 

Before we are thrust back to the real world.

[musingathome-blog]

One of the greatest life misfortunes is to be good at something you don't like

anonymous

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Tinted eyes

My vision is cloudy. I seem to have lost sight of things that are most important to me. Things that I value and enjoy tremendously now seem 'unimportant' enough that they fail to make it to my agenda of the week.

I have started college and things seem so blurry. From the very first lecture until now, I still have no clear idea what I have been doing. Things are moving very fast, school clubs, lecture, auditions, interviews and they just came and flew away like the merciless hands of a clock. 

The worst part is I don't allocate time for me to do things that I enjoy a lot, especially writing and reading. It's not exactly that I do not have time, it's just that I don't find time to do these hobbies. Which put me in quite a reflecting mood.

Do I really like reading and writing? But the answer seems to be an obvious yes. Reading transfers me to a whole new world constantly puts me in awe. Writing allows me to create this whole new world, a world that sprouts from nothing but an idea. Yet, I ask myself, why haven't I allocated enough time for these two exciting activities?

I still am looking for an answer, hoping that this writing will help me sort out of my thoughts, like it usually does. But I am at a loss. I cannot see that answer. Maybe time would tell. But time never tells anything, it really is how we use the time itself. Then until I find the answer myself. Perhaps at that moment I will know why.

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Walking paradox

He is a walking paradox. He is talkative but prefers solitude. He talks glibly but thinks deeply. He smiles when in sorrow. Is a hypocrite? I don't know. Is he a freak? Maybe. Is he normal? Certainly not.

He is just a walking paradox. 

[musingathome-blog]

Writing for me is like going for counselling, it helps me sort out my own thoughts and address my problems. The difference is just that I am both the patient and the counsellor. 

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How could you be so heartless?

I adapt too fast and too well. A dilemma that has kept me puzzled over the last few years.

When I first moved out, I wondered how my life was going to be. Can I eat food that is not cooked by my mother for months till vacation arrives? Can I sleep without the familiar walls and bed? Can I live with people who do not even speak my native language? These questions left unanswered when I left home.

Yet, just few days after moving out, the answers seemed pretty clear to me: "Of course, I can". I can survive pretty well by myself since I was 15 (Of course, with money from my dad and mom). Yet, this made me think that I was pretty heartless.

Adapting too well to the environment, I did not miss home so much. I did not even yearn to go home, unlike my friends who would count down to the days they would fly back home. I did not even miss my friends so much, I don't even try to keep in touch with them. I did not even miss my family that much. Geez, i am heartless, aren't I?

Yet, this adaptability is a trait that has enabled me to survive and survive well. I enjoy doing what I am doing and I don't spend my time thinking If I were still at home what would I be doing. 

Maybe this is not a completely wrong attitude. After all, being adaptable has its advantages. Perhaps, I should just be more sentimental and "heartful". I do not need to miss what I do not have anymore, but I should appreciate them more and give them the attention that they warrant.

[musingathome-blog]

Writing

I miss writing (or typing, whatever). I miss sitting down on my chair, thinking what is the best word to describe the feeling I got when I first left home. Or pondering, what should I write next here on my blog. 

It seems that I have a complicated relationship with writing. It's not a love-hate relationship. I like writing, I never hate writing, except those I did on exams where topics were restricted and I have to use 'formal' language of writing.  It is just that I never yearn to do it. I never feel like "Oh God!!! I need to write right now, if not, I am gonna die of happiness deprivation".

Or maybe, I never like writing that much? Maybe it's just my inner pride that compels me to write and prove to myself, "Hey, look, I can write too". But, my writing has never been awe-inspiring, I know I am not what-you-will-call-great at putting my thoughts on paper (or screen). Yet I still do this. It's like Karen from Harvest Moon who knows nothing about cooking but participates in Cooking Festival every year, presenting a charred plate, and calling it a dish. 

But I think my greatest motivation to write is to read. To see stories from the perspective of the author. To understand why the author chose certain words. To fully comprehend the greatness of the author. Well, I think this reason is good enough for me to continue writing.