musings & misconceptions

I'm just here because I was promised free booze and drugs. So far...not happening. So I guess I'll just write to pass the time. I think I've been had here

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Jesus

Now I realize why I hardly check Tumblr anymore. Calm down with the "Lemonade" praise. Fucking hell.

[theonion]

Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do

Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, Lemonade, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song Monday about how purchasing a subscription to the streaming music service Tidal is the most empowering action a woman can take, sources confirmed. “Beyoncé’s latest track is a spirited feminist anthem that sharply strikes at the patriarchy beginning with the opening verse, ‘Ladies, don’t ever let your man tell you what to do,’ before offering potent validation to her predominantly female listeners by stating that ‘High-quality streaming audio was made for queens like you,’” wrote New Yorker music critic Carrie Battan in a review of the new track, titled “Rise (And Sign In),” which was accompanied by a lush music video depicting the 20-time Grammy winner sitting in the study of a mansion clad in a majestic, diamond-studded fur coat while entering her credit card information into an online form.

More.

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Yup

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Here’s a scary, true story: Instagram captions are some people’s sole source of wisdom.

@markleggett

This also applies to Tumblr's social warriors

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Ruining Facebook for all my friends is my Super Bowl.

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Perfect. Absolutely perfect

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Marki Plier is just some guy with a great voice that plays video games and all of you VOLUNTARILY watch his "funny" videos AS HE SIMPLY PLAYS GAMES?! That's why nobody takes you stupid millennials seriously.

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All of Tumblr

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"@puddinstrip: I'm thankful for not spending Thanksgiving with any millennials who recently read 'A People's History of the United States'" -God damn YES.

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Ugh

Just finished “Big Hero 6.”

What a shhhhiiiiitttttyyyyyyy movie. I knew it was terrible after 40 minutes (and it didn’t help that I pretty much figured out the whole forced fucking plot by then either) but I stuck it out just to say I gave it a fair shot. What an awful, AWFUL movie. The forced sentiment. The predictable plot line and its HUGE holes in story logic. The heinous “jokes.” And that terrible Bay-max “fa-la-la-la” was like taking a knife and scraping my fucking spine. I’ll never get that hour 45 minutes of my life back. Ugh.

[musings-and-misconceptions]

So You Think You Know Your Toddler

Today, my toddler is a year and 7 months old. She can sing along to many songs (albeit with some made up lyrics), she can count from 1-10 in Spanish, Vietnamese, and English. She loves being read to and is starting to try to read along in English and Spanish. She's using short phrases in all three languages to communicate and has recently developed a fascination with the piano and drums. She's got a temper you wouldn't believe-or maybe if you know me, it wouldn't surprise you. If she feels something is unjust, she'll let you know and to be honest with you, it fascinates me how it isn't baby bullshit. It isn't "you keep a pair of scissors away from me?! wahhhh!" Or "what do you mean I can't touch the electrical outlets?! Fuck you waaaahhh!" No, it's with things she feels capable of handling without any help. Trying to draw letters, or carrying objects that are too heavy for her-she doesn't want to be helped. She looks at you with a determined gaze; as if she's insulted that you dared think she couldn't handle the task at hand. I'm not saying my kid is a genius or some sort of Mozart prodigy (she's not into shit jokes...yet), but I can tell you I've never personally encountered such awareness in a baby in my life. Most of the time, toddlers seemed like babbling, cute, little dummies to me. But my kid has this strange awareness and she's had this since the day she was born-eyes wide open, trying to decipher the room despite the fact that she was basically blind. She was stubborn and wanted to see the world. It tripped me out, man. As each month passes, my toddler keeps randomly jumping in awareness and intelligence. She keeps showing that her knowledge isn't some sort of lucky fluke. She keeps showing that her awareness isn't some sappy proud parent, Instagram bullshit. She keeps standing up for herself and trying to show my wife and I that she's smart, she isn't helpless, and she's ready to learn more and more. It's funny, my wife and I had months of sleepless nights and days right from the start as our baby just refused to be denied experiencing the world and learning. She'd fight naps, fight bed times, and fight peace and quiet. But it wasn't colic, it wasn't manipulative baby bullshit, it was this unflappable need to experience and learn as much as she can. And she wasn't going to let some trivial thing like sleep and relaxation get in the way. My wife and I always said to each other, "She's a pain in the ass, but she's OUR pain in the ass" during those tough, TOUGH first 9 months. We said that lovingly as we realised she was a treasure after an unfortunate miscarriage. But I think I'm gonna switch up that little reassuring joke; I think my wife and I should start saying "She's a fucking challenge, alright. But she's OUR pride and joy. And she'll prove herself worthy of the admiration."

[fuckyeahcomicsbaby]

Disney Presents Mid-Life

[friendshipismax]

I really enjoyed this entire comic.

[uncletarby]

that was way more real than i expected it to be, wow

[gatorsnack]

That was a hell of a ride.

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Brilliant

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@JimGaffigan: I’ve been busy. What are we unnecessarily outraged about now?

95% of tumblr posts so many of you reblog incessantly

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Blessed

The fact that I don't give a shit about the VMA's and can't possibly fathom what all the commotion is about with Nikki Minaj, Miley Cyrus etc etc just has me feeling like I'm having a great life. A great fucking LIFE.

[musings-and-misconceptions]

Empathy

My wife and I are about to go through a second miscarriage in the last 3 pregnancies. And the pain doesn’t get any easier with each painful miscarriage-quite the opposite, actually. In between these 2 heartbreaking moments, my wife and I conceived a daughter that in our eyes reflects the pure happiness we’ve given each other since we decided to take the leap from best friends for almost 10 years to a happily unified couple. Trust me, my 1 and a half year old has filled my heart with a love and appreciation that simply cannot be replicated.

But as my wife approaches our aforementioned miscarriage, I find the pain of this second tragic bit of news to be unquestionably stronger than the first sad miscarriage. I think it’s because for the first time maybe ever, I feel a sadness that is tinged in no small part by the pain my wife and my 9 year old stepdaughter have shown.

You see, this is my second marriage (my wife’s second marriage as well). In my first marriage, my ex-wife and I tried for almost a full year to conceive a child with no luck. We didn’t even have the cheap thrill of a late period. Ultimately, it was a good thing because she ended up asking for a divorce so in that annoying “grand scheme of things”, we dodged a fucking bullet there. So when my NOW lovely wife and I conceived about a year into our relationship, I’m sure you understand it felt like what I had been waiting for years to happen was finally going to brighten my life and complete my need for a child to love (well, in addition to my wonderful step-daughter). That happiness was short lived; only 6 weeks into pregnancy, my wife suddenly had a miscarriage. I was devastated. But to be honest, I was mostly angry. It felt like God or fate or Buddha or whatever was just fucking with me at this point? I took it personally. I didn’t get why life would fuck with me that way. I felt like I was being toyed with by an infinite asshole of a God. What the fuck was the point of this? Why would I need to experience this?

And that’s the thing…have you noticed how EVERY one of my pained thoughts was all about me? Despite the fact that my wife was feeling absolutely crushed, I managed to make that terrible moment ALL ABOUT ME.

It’s dreadful, really. It’s greedy and an absolutely wretched way to react. What about my wife? What about my then 7 year old step-daughter that was looking forward to a sibling? What of her little broken heart? Nope. Too busy thinking I was the fucking victim.

And now, I sit here typing this out with a lump in my throat. Yes, yes I feel shattered and empty. And yes, yes I wonder how the hell this could happen again. But what pains me to no end is my lovely wife and her ever present dignity. She’s so strong, so lovely, so quiet and honest. She’s my balance, my partner, and my best friend (going on 11 years). The pain in her eyes and tears that quietly trickled down as we both realized the doctor wouldn’t get a second opinion for the ultrasound today if that heartbeat had been present…like it was 2 weeks ago. I felt her confidence erode as her grip on my hand soon gave way to the limp feeling of remorse. I wanted to take all her pain and find a way to make it my own so that I could see her quiet, lovely smile again. And as we embraced before walking out to make our decision of just how this miscarriage would be induced, I thought about just how lucky I was to have her. And how lucky I was to realize that her happiness is connected to my happiness directly.

When we told my step-daughter, I could see her little innocent 9 year old face contort and show a pain I hadn’t seen before. It was almost like she knew this was unfair for all of us-not just for her. Her tears flowed as she whispered in my ear “Oh no, daddy.” And it crushed me. I felt like all I wanted was for my 2 ladies to no longer feel pain. I wanted them to never feel heartbroken again. And I knew all I could do was hold them.

In the next 24 hours, my wife will be going through the physical pain of this sad ending. I’ll be there from beginning to end. And I’ll never be the same. For better, or for worse.

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@TheTweetOfGod: The Teen Choice Awards are teenagers' annual chance to prove they have the lack of judgment needed to become full-fledged voters.

Amongst other things

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@Will_Bunch: I love #BlackLivesMatter but they've made their point w/ most pro- civil-rights candidate - let's see action on the 20 more backwards ones

Exactly.

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@puddinstrip: I just hope this Will and Jada Smith divorce doesn't screw up their kids

Just thought I'd break the millions of social injustice/Internet outrage posts for some comedy. Thanks.