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Online Anonymous Journal

[glitterboob]

today I told my mom about the boy who used to touch me as a little girl and she literally almost cried in the middle of kroger but it was nice to get it off my chest yay for run on sentences

[glitterboob]

So, today was weird. Weirder than my normal weird.

A shooting happened in my city and I wasn’t even phased by it. I guess in a way, I saw it coming in advance. If you’re reading this, you might be wondering what I mean by that, and to answer you, all I can say is this:

I’ll start off by mentioning that my psychic abilities are growing more and more, and they have been for the past several months. I’m not sure it’s something I can really control, these things come randomly as little insights and I don’t even know what it all means sometimes. But I took today as a sign that yes, this psychic stuff is actually happening to me. It’s real.

Not too long ago, I was talking to Kris about shootings because of what happened recently at that video game tournament. I mentioned that if something were to happen in Cincinnati, it would probably happen at Fountain Square. I don’t know what prompted me to even think in that way, but I said what I said….The strange thing is, I immediately got a bad feeling and started tearing up after saying it. A sense of dread filled my body, and while this was happening neither Kris or I understood why I was acting this way. He was able to calm me down though and I later forgot about it.

Until today, when I heard the news that a shooting occured across from Fountain Square. The same feeling filled my body and now I am officially freaked out by…myself.

[glitterboob]

It’s been about a month but I’m doing a lot better now, meaning I’m not as sad and depressed as I have been. Leaving Breakout has helped me be less anxious and I love my newer job at Larosas. I also have an interview for a banquet server position tomorrow so if it pays more than CMC I might leave. 🤷🏻 Not sure what I’ll do yet.

I’ve come to realize I can make more than $8.42 an hour and I honestly believe my time is worth more now, so it’s been easy to look for better options. I have an optimistic outlook for this summer and hopefully I can find the time to continue self reflection and personal growth 😊🌱

[mutedmadness]

I think im sad again

I think I need to get away from Kris so I can figure myself out and find my own wants and needs. I feel so lost and bored and not myself.

[mutedmadness]

• Brooke's senior prom is tonight. She looks beautiful and I hope she is and does have a good time. She told me she's getting her belly button pierced tomorrow and asked if she should tell mom or not lol (I don't think she should)

• I did 5 grams of shrooms tonight... with the same results of the first 5g trip: not up to par with my expectations. (I did not meet any aliens or otherworldly beings. I really just want to be blasted into another dimension for some reason) So a part of me wants to be like, alright, maybe I just need to take a lot more...but I don't want to have to keep paying for it...because it's expensive and I really cant afford any of these drugs I'm doing. 🤷🏻 One thought I have is to grow them myself. That way I know what kind they are and where they came from. I get a lot more product for the amount of investment. I would enjoy the experience of doing it and learning how. Then of course I would have alot of them and could experiment to see if more (and better) shrooms would give me the affects I want. BUT another part of me is thinking: Maybe I just really should be sober. It keeps poking at my brain that it's best for me. However it's really hard to resist the temptations of weed. Especially when Kris likes it so much and doesn't want to give it up. I don't feel like I can tell him what to do or not, so, I really feel at a loss. (Which is why I just want to move back in home. So I can't be on drugs and won't be around it.) I can't make up my mind on what to do. Maybe I'll stop smoking weed but have the fun trying to grow shrooms? Only time will tell. I need to have better self discipline. 🙄

• I can't wait for the weather to be consistently warm and sunny. I miss wanting to be outside!

[shez-a-dove-deactivated20161204]

i hope im a positive influence on somebody’s life

[mutedmadness]

The problem with Kris is that he doesn't believe I will leave.

He doesn't think I'm serious when I say I need more effort around the apartment from him, if he wants me to continue to live with him.

He doesn't think I'm serious when I tell him that if I don't get my alone time (which he continues to not give, and constantly hovers) that I will move away in order to receive my own space.

He won't listen now, but when it happens he'll sure damn realize that he should have.

[glitterboob]

It’s currently 2:13 am on my 22nd birthday and my biggest wish for this year is to finally buy a car and get my license. I’m starting to realize how much freedom it can actually give me. I wouldn’t have to rely on my parents, or Kris, an uber, or public transportation - which lately I’ve been trying to avoid, to get to places I want to go.

I really want to go to the gym, but Kris doesn’t care to so I hate to ask for rides. I also would love to go to the store more often so I can pick fresh produce regularly. Getting to and from work on my own is the biggest advantage. It may even allow me more job opportunities in the future, since I wouldn’t have to worry about buslines.

I think I have enough money from student loans to purchase an old, used car here soon. I’d love to be able to practice enough driving, to pass my test by April or May if possible.

Hoping for the best!

[glitterboob]

I’m not focusing as much as I thought I would on school. I keep procrastinating on assignments, skipping class, and avoiding UCBA like the plague…which all continues to perpetuate an ongoing cycle of heightened anxiety and thus further procrastination, and the overall feeling of being a failure.

I say my biggest fear is wasted potential, and currently I feel I’m the embodiment of it. I am even aware of this issue yet I can’t muster up the grit to hold myself accountable and do my work.

I’m not sure what it is that needs to change, but something does. I can, and will, do better than this.

[minuty]

It was a privilege to love you, and it was a privilege to let you go. Both helped shape me into the person I have become.

Beau Taplin (via minuty)

[mutedmadness]

I've been feeling the urge to journal lately, but I'm too paranoid about my boyfriend being nosy for my private thoughts and feelings if I were to write them in a physical notebook.

I don't mean to exclude him, but I never feel I can be alone or by myself anymore and it really is needed for my sanity. He always wants to be around me or touching me or texting me and I see more than enough of him. I really don't see much of anyone else besides my coworkers and they don't count. I miss seeing my family as much as I used to. I miss seeing and hanging out with just Barry and Brandon. I miss having friends but all I have is Kris and it's very, very lonely. And probably not healthy. I've never been good at making friends so I'm not really sure how to go find more people similar to me or even how to build a relationship if I were to get to the first part.

I feel lost and stuck but hopefully going to school starting this January will help me focus on a goal and be surrounded by other students. Only time will tell.