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Snake, 22yo 🍂 Fuck winter, I'm keeping my fall backgroud because it's cute ù-ú (and cuz I'm lazy also yes)

[mx-snake]

Helloo

If you found this, you found my secret side journal

I'll be info dumping random daily things on here

Meanwhile, my main blog is meant for introspection and poetry

On here I'll be more personal in the sense that imma tell you about my real life

Hope you like it c:

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Si tu as trouvé ce blog, c'est que t'as découvert mon blog secondaire / journal secret

Je vais balancer des infos de manière spontanée sur mon quotidien ici

Alors que mon blog principal est plutôt dédié à de la réflexion introspective et à de la poésie

Ici ce sera plus personnel dans le sens que je vais parler d'événements de ma vie en vrai

J'espère que ce sera plaisant à lire c:

Snake (aka Laurie)

[mx-snake]

Oh hey! I'm still alive, I survived my last psych B.A. semester!!

Annnd right after, I got hit with the ✨influenza💃✨ for a week! 😂🥲 What a way to start Christmas break. Buuuut I was planning to work pretty much none stop all two weeks ahead so I guess, by failing me, my body told me to chill and I got to actually take care of myself so humm even though that sucked physically, it was nice for my mental health I guess.

But today was the first day I finally felt functional enough to be MOTIVATED! 🔥

I cleaned my room (that was super messy from going through my exams and everything else), made myself tea, wrote a science communication article on implicit biases, and looked into passport stuff to start preparing for a summer trip. I found my old passport from the last time I travelled and I was 7-8 years old sooo I doubt I can just renew it with my little kid photo in there 😂

I also sorted aaall the Asian candies I got as a Christmas present and I'm so excited to try them all! My father found a kit that comes in a bag, so you don't pay for the box and can afford more for the same price 😎 So I got fifty and most of them, I never got to try before even though it's my fourth Asian kit I recieve (yes, I never get sick of it, it's a classic gift I always ask for) c:

I had two family Christmas parties planned, but they both got cancelled because of health problems, feels like we all got some sort of sickness somehow 😭 But I really really hope I'll be available next time they schedule those.

Anyway I FEEL LIGHT AGAIN!~

I have so many things to enjoy right now and so much to look forward, I'm so happyyyy! I'm ready to live 2026 baby 😎

[mx-snake]

Having my grandma consider I might be more into women than men and asking me about it was so unexpected. It's not a topic I ever really talked about with her, but I feel so lucky to have an overall pretty accepting family. Coming out as pansexual has been the easiest and most chill thing ever.

[mx-snake]

Got a gnaphosidae spider running around in my bedroom. I saw it when I was focused, then tried to kill it, but that little bitch is so fast and smart, it stays under stuff and I can't reach it. I ended up failing on my hunting mission. Now I don't know where it is and I'm supposed to sleep knowing it's still out there!! 😭 These spiders are nocturnal creatures so it'll likely get out again after some time. I'm now unable to sleep. Also my desk is in quarantine because it's near there, so I'm basically fucked. No desk to work, no peace of mind to sleep. What if it runs around onto my foot or something, what if it climbs into my bed while I'm asleep?? AND NO IT'S NOT IRRATIONAL BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE BEFORE.

Also, what were the odds that two nights ago, I had a dream in which I was killing a bunch of spiders in my room, like A LOT. It's not even like I saw any in my room up until now.

Anyway, should I book an hotel room or what? 🥹

[mx-snake]

Je vais animer un groupe d'entraide hebdomadaire pour des personnes souffrant de troubles anxieux.

Alors que j'ai souffert d'anxiété sociale pendant des années. Et que j'ai un TPOC. L'ironie à son comble. Mais on dirait que ça me met en confiance de travailler auprès de personnes qui ont vécu et vivent encore des difficultés similaires aux miennes.

Je veux arrêter de me prendre la tête et juste me lancer. Je suis bonne pour écouter en individuel et pour expliquer des choses, vulgariser, faire du tutorat, des formations, mettre la personne à l'aise et la mettre en confiance de ses capacités, tout ça. J'adore adopter ce genre de rôle, alors pourquoi je m'empêcherais de faire du clinique sur un sujet qui me touche et pour lequel j'aimerais vraiment développer une expertise professionnelle, juste parce que c'est en groupe?

Mes premières expertises cliniques vont être la psychiatrie légale, l'anxiété, les troubles liés à l'utilisation de substances et le neurofeedback. Et c'est tellement gratifiant, tellement motivant de se dire "J'ai un bagage de connaissances assez lourd pour mieux comprendre ces personnes et pour leur apporter une aide significative." Peu importe la discipline vers laquelle je me dirige, au moins, je sais avec certitude que la relation d'aide, c'est vraiment ce que je veux faire.

[mx-snake]

Je n'arrête pas de faire des rêves dans lesquels je travaille, c'est chiant. Ça va faire deux nuits de suite là, mon cerveau ne veut pas décrocher 😭

[mx-snake]

I did a lot of bar pulldowns and dumbbell flies, so now my arms are shaking only by holding a cup of tea xd I'm really out of shape, I have a feeling my gym/fitness comeback is gonna hit me haaarrrd.

[mx-snake]

I see myself still working this job in 5-10 years. I really love it so far. I started looking for specialized degrees and found a microprogram in forensics mental health that's only recently been created, which would fit so well to develop my expertise into that field. I'll probably do it in two years.

[mx-snake]

I smile a lot, because I know I have a resting bitch face.

[mx-snake]

Ma logique subjective : Puisque je suis une personne nocturne de base qui s'endort vers 3h du matin, faire un shift de nuit de 22h à 7h équivaut à deux jours de congé avec de quoi m'occuper la nuit et un tite sieste de 4 heures en rentrant. Du coup, je me sens plus reposé en faisant ça qu'en travaillant deux jours de suite (sachant que pour un shift de jour, je pars de chez moi à 5h30 et je rentre vers 16h30), n'est-ce pas merveilleux? 😌 Sans parler de ma prime de nuit et du fait que j'ai toujours aimé l'ambiance de nuit. Je compte profiter de mes quatres mois de vacances d'été pour jouer avec mon mode de vie.

[mx-snake]

I met a new person and within only a few minutes of conversation, I thought to myself : "People in his life must be so lucky, because he feels like such a genuinely sweet person who's so easy to talk to, he'd feel like a safe person to be around." And what sucks is that we won't see each other often enough to actually become friends and neither do I feel capable of actually making a move because of my crippling social anxiety. And I really wish that was as easy to change as it sounds. But taking risks in relationships feels so hard to me and I'm also so scared of getting hurt the same as I've been in past relationships, it's sickening. Like I'm aware it seems so easy to just ask someone for their contacts and start hanging out, but I can't bring myself to do it. It feels so frustrating how I let my fears stop that from happening. It's easier to keep thinking I'm not missing out on wholesome relationships because everything I had before turned to shit. I need therapy. Maybe one day I'll adress it. When grief and that empty feeling inside start getting too unbearable to keep it up.

[mx-snake]

J'ai travaillé 35h en 4 jours, je suis crevée, j'étais habituée à rester assise à longueur de journée à cause de l'uni, pas debout et en mouvement constamment 😭 Et j'ai encore 21h à faire au cours des 3 prochains jours... À l'aide xd Mais au moins, je finirais la semaine plus riche I guess 🤷

[mx-snake]

Things are actually going so well that I MIGHT end up with 4 jobs and 2 volunteer positions in september. I was like "this field is so competitive, let me apply EVERYWHERE so I get a chance". But then I got a bunch of interviews and everything seems so interesting I don't want to turn anything dooown, especially because they're not common positions and I know I won't get the same offers elsewhere. I'm so happy, but if I get those last two jobs, I'm gonna have to let go of something or really work hard to make it till graduation in december!

[mx-snake]

Last night, I had a dream in which I lost two teeth and had a big dent in another one. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but I know it's not good 😬 Also I never usually remember my dreams, but that one was so vivid. The internet talks about loss, guilt and stress. I AM stressed, but it's good stress related to positive changes. And well loss and guilt... These are always there, but they've been there for a long time already, so I doubt this is it 🤷 Kinda sucks that THIS is the one dream I remember, a boring and negative one, meanwhile I bet I get much more interesting and fun dreams that I always forget about 😔

[mx-snake]

I had not pulled an all-nighter in so long, but damn does it feel good to study the night before an exam knowing ALL THESE WEAK SOULS ARE WASTING TIME OVER SLEEP, MEANWHILE I'M CARVING ALL THOSE NEUROPSYCHO NOTIONS DEEP INTO MY BRAIN LIKE I'VE KNOWN THEM MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE HAHAHAHAHA

I'm not gonna lie, I really missed those neuro/bio courses even tho they require much more studying than regular psychology courses. And pulling an all-nighter before a big exam, not because I procrastinated and I'm not feeling confident, but only because I'm competitive and enjoy the topic, makes me feel like a god. I feel good. And I'm not even tired yet, even tho I slept 5 hours last night and felt tired from the very first moment I woke up.

Today I had that first interview for a job in forensic psychiatry (I got the position for the first interview I mentionned on this blog, this is a different thing) and made a good impression, so I got to the second and last step of the selection process. Also I worked a shift. Also I applied for a lab and got a positive feedback, so I might be selected there. Big day, good things coming my way. It's 5 am now, I've been studying for 7h straight. For my last exam of this semester. The end of a routine, of a race for performance and against deadlines. I'm so ready for whatever next step I'm gonna take.

The locations on my schema aren't accurate, especially for the horizontal cut I made, it's only to help organize the info in my mind. Also, I feel like I look tired, but I don't actually feel tired 🤷

[mx-snake]

I had an interview Tuesday and I was sooo out of it on my way there... I rarely ever take the metro, and when I do, it's always the same path. But this time, it was a path I used to take before, so I was like "I got this" "Who needs Google Maps when I know the way?" I was SO wrong. I left myself be so distracted, thinking of things I could bring up in my interview, that I missed my station and went past it. So I took the next wagon in the other way and got off at the right station this time. Except nowww, instead of doing that transfer I was supposed to do, I was convinced that I was there already and looked for the exit, even though I was confused about why all of the station felt familiar, yet the way out didn't. It sounds so dumb now, how I didn't even start worrying, but I guess it shows how my AD(no H)D shows up sometimes. Anyway, I went all the way outside, just to go "This doesn't look right". Only then did I realise I should've done that transfer. Thank LORD I was like an hour early, so I got there 30 minutes in advance. I'm still amazed by how chill I was about all this, cuz I would've expected myself to be stressed and alert, but I guess I grew less anxious about interviews and social stuff? Or maybe that 4h of sleep just wasn't enough for my brain to work properly that day? xd At least, my interview turned out great, even tho I forgot about some points I wanted to bring up and got nervous at the start when I had to monologue for too long. I'm proud of myself for overcoming that social anxiety and reaching out for the things I want to do, that I would be passionate about!

[mx-snake]

I spent weeks avoiding that one task. Then thought it was stupid of me to see it as something so complex and intimidating, finally decided to start it this morning thinking it's gonna take 2h.

It took me 5h for just half of it. 😐 Now I'm starting to think I wasn't wrong xd