hiiii

[mxkingout]

is too tired for me

is too burnt out for me

is too sleepy for me

but it’s 7pm

and he’s on social media

and he’s scrolling

and my text is unanswered

and all i fucking wanted was a phone call, for him to say god i missed you so much this weekend there was no way i wasn’t going to call you, i can’t be without you, you drive me crazy and i had to see you and hear you

but instead i am here

typing in a stream of conciousness

lonely

empty

dejected

needing some form of affection

that i will keep craving

until he spares it

[mxkingout]

i want a soul deep connection with you. i want to know parts of you nobody else does. i want to carve out a space in my brain to just keep memories with you, remember small things you do, catalog the exact way your lips move when you smile at me, when you talk to me, when you say the letter s. i am obsessed, and i wouldn’t have it any other way

[mxkingout]

i can’t do everything, but i’d do anything for you. i can’t do anything except be in love with you

[mxkingout]

take my hand, take my whole life too

[mxkingout]

god i love you

i love you so deeply

i want to memorize your body

know which spots are hard and which are soft

know where your veins are

know what it feels like to lick your stomach

find my new favorite place to kiss

find the spot that makes you ticklish

find the spot that make you breathe heavier

god i love you

i love you so deeply

i want to be inside your mind

make a permanent dwelling there

know how you work from the inside out

know your memories and your fears

know i’ll make a new discovery every day

find the things that makes you happy

find the things that make you at peace

find the things that make you scared

god

i just love you

[mxkingout]

one minute im her

i’m your future wife

the future mother of your children

you say you can’t wait to start a life together

how do we ping pong from excited and almost about to spend time together to

i’m sleepy

but not sleepy enough to sleep, i can text

then when i suggest a call

you all of a sudden should really get to bed

i want to love you

i want to trust you

but how can i

when time and time again

ive had promises made only to be discarded, forgotten, rotting by the wayside

those promises are still there, crumpled and decaying

and you do nothing to reassure me

not really

words can only go so far

and you say all the right ones

which terrifies me

[mxkingout]

hes perfect for me and i know he is and he says we were made for each other and i’m his favorite person and his mom will love me and he wants to do life together but

i just have this sinking feeling

i am no longer new

or exciting

or an unreachable fantasy

i am a girl who is devoted to him

is that boring?

is that a chore to keep up with?

is that something that you keep in your pocket until the next girl comes along?

is she hotter than me or funnier than me or cooler than me

i thought i was the prize

now i feel like a discarded participation ribbon

by my own doing, my own spiraling

i am driving myself mad

wondering and checking and reading into every word

comparing — my joy has been stolen

in its place lives anxiety and the crushing realization that

no man has ever taken me seriously