I have this Professional Football Player Friend that took My ass for a loop one time. Wait. That didn’t sound right. Let’s start over. I have this Professional Football Player Friend that really shocked the hell out of Me one time. That sounds better. You see, for some reason, EVERYBODY confides in Me. I mean fuckin’ everybody. I’m the youngest of My siblings but for as long as I can remember; they would always come to Me for help. Advice, fights, it didn’t matter. As I grew up and went on to college, work, Church, it was always the same. I am like a magnet for confessions, transgressions, and other mayhem. Sometimes it’s fun. I asked a Friend of mine once why did they believe this was the case and they responded, “Because You don’t judge”. Hmmm. Fair enough. I didn’t judge this time either…but damn.
My Player Friend has been in the NFL for 9 years and is ready to come out. He’s a 6 time Pro Bowler and has been to the Super Bowl. He’s an Amazing human being and will literally give you the shirt off his back. At least 3 times a year, We find each other and hang out. On this particular time, We ended up in Miami. We were on Ocean Drive at Prime 112 where We met for a late lunch. The season was about to start full swing so I knew this very well may be the last time this year, if not Christmas, We would get to hang. After shooting the regular shit, he broke into this over the top somber fucking mode that quite frankly killed the buzz My “Lemonade Bang” was giving Me. His sharp, chiseled face went to stone and his voice dropped to Morpheus tone.
“Sooooo…I want to tell You something I’ve never told anyone”, he opened out of the fuckin’ blue. (What the fuck man? I didn’t want to hear about any secret desires, or affairs, or illegal activity, or fetishes to fuck stuffed animals while watching “Sesame Street”. Noooooooo. I just wanted to chill in Miami, get tipsy off this small ass quantity of liquor, (I can’t drink worth shit), and fall asleep in My bed overlooking the ocean. But nooooo. This rich Muthafucka has prooooblems).
“Sure man. What is it?” I can be a fake ass friend sometimes. Lol.
“Ok Rudy. You can NEVER tell anybody what I’m about to tell you”.
“Awww hell naw Bruh. If it’s some Ray Lewis jail time shit, keep it to ya gawddamn self”.
“Naw Fam. It ain’t nuthin’ like that. It’s some personal thing I want to run by You… and see if maybe You could offer some recourse for Me. I know You know a lotta shit and I just need Your thoughts that’s all”.
“Cool. But You ain’t stabbed nobody or no shit like that have You? Because if so, I’m blackmailing the shit out of Yo 26 million dollar contract ass”. We laughed but then I brought it back down because I could see something was really bothering Him.
He started, “Ok. I have this problem. I think it’s psychological, but I’m not sure. I haven’t talked to a professional in that field, but I might have to”. (Wow this Dude crazy…possibly). I shook My head intently as if I were hanging on His every word, which indeed I was. “It’s always happened, like for as long as I can remember. It’s like…a curse My Dude, for real. And it’s really bothering me now because I’ve looked back and seen a pattern”.
“Ok Dude. The suspense is killing Me. Why don’t You just come out and say it as simply as You can and let’s see where We at, and go from there. Cool?”
“Cool”, He said with a labored sigh. There was a long silence. I mean a real looooong silence. Like a song had played and gone off long silence.
“Bruh???” I said with a huff and laugh. “You don’t have to te………”
“I pee in girls’ beds”, He blurted.
“Like…piss on their beds? Like a fetish or something? Like marking Your territory?” I laughed a little but THIS muthafucka was well bothered about this shit.
“Nooo. It’s not a fetish. It’s like I…pee in the bed”.
“Hold on…let Me understand this. Ok…like if the girl isn’t there, You go in and pee in her bed?’
“Ok, what the fuck Man. I’m not getting it so You just gon’ have to come out with it”.
“Alright”, He said paused. “When I sleep over at a Woman’s house….I……end up…..peeing in her bed”.
“Like…wet the bed, pee in the bed???” I asked cautiously.
“Yes”, He said very matter of factly.
My fucking insides felt like warm jelly running through and tickling every part of My body. I wanted to laugh, BUT, I didn’t quite understand or maybe it was I didn’t want to accept what I was hearing, so I needed more info to digest all of this. “You gotta explain Dude”
“Ok man. Rudy, You can’t tell anybody this. You have to promise”. Promise??? Fuck that. Either You trust Me to tell Me something or not. I hate when people come with that You gotta promise shit. Fuck You and Yo problems.
“I promise My Dude”. Fake Friend shit.
“Ok. For some reason…when I sleep at a woman’s house…I pee in the bed. Now… it don’t happen every time…but like 90% of the time”. (Damn dude. 90% is pretty much EVERY TIME. If He caught 90% of the passes thrown His way, He’d be a fuckin’ legend…continue). “It’s like…. We’ll be layin’ there sleep…and I’ll feel it…sometimes I catch it…sometimes I don’t. (Yeah like in the game against Pittsburgh; continue). “I be so embarrassed…I’m embarrassed now telling You”.
“Ok”, I said putting a pause to this bullshit story. “Is this a joke?”
“No it is not Bruh. This shit is confusing the shit outta Me Man. I mean ….why can’t I stop this shit? It’s like I’m 6 fuckin’ years old or something”.
At that, I fuckin’ lost all kinds of composure to remain composed because I was thinking the same gawddamn thing. The laugh burst past My tightly pursed lips. It was one of those “Bwwwwwooooouuuggaaaahhhh” laughs that shakes your lips and little projectiles of spit comes out and it ends with your chest heaving uncontrollably in your clothes. My head hit the table as I tried in vain to hide My finding hilarity in His pain and muffle My laughs from others in the restaurant. It was useless. I had My head down for at least 20 seconds when I heard this accompanying hoot and chuckle. I looked up and saw He was reared back in His chair, chin to His chest, cracking up. Finally, We found control of Ourselves again.
“Dude…You have to tell Me everything. You have to tell Me about the Women, their responses, how do You face them again, everything”.
“Well, it’s pretty simple”, He started. “None of them know about it”.
“How is that?”, I asked with the most honest of child like curiosity.
“Dude…how in the fuck do You cover it up?”
“I be prepared just in case it happens. I’ll take a little bottle of something, “Henny”, or “Jack”, or beer, or something like that into the bedroom, and if it happens, I pretend like I spilt it in the bed whilst drinking on it. Now being that it’s liquor and shit, it’s going to be dark and have a smell to it. Thereby covering it up. But it also damages the mattress. So I apologize and the next day she and I go out and buy her a whole new mattress set”.
“Bwwwwwooooouuuggaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” My head went back down to the damn table. I stood up to relieve the blood rush to My brain. “Maaaaan; are You serious?” I said hushed. He nodded. Soooo…I had to ask; at the risk of peeing My own damn pants, I had to ask. “How many mattress sets have You bought?”
With a grin and chumping on salad he chortle, “Too many”.
I fucking died. I saw Heaven I shit you not. This was the best fuckin’ day of My life. We were both in muthafuckin’ tears up in this bitch. I couldn’t take it. My heart was giving out. It was probably because I hadn’t breathed in over 5 minutes. This big, 260-pound, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson built muthafucka, was going around the country, not as a “Serial Killer” of Women, but a “Serial Pisser” of their beds. Ya’ll, We laughed and laughed to the point We had people around Us laughing. From now on this muthafucka’s Serial name is going to be “Pee Pee Willy”
NEWS BROADCAST: IN OTHER NEWS, THE NOTORIOUS PEE PEE WILLY HAS STRUCK AGAIN; THIS TIME IN LOWER MANHATTAN. AUTHORITIES SAY THEY WERE ALERTED BY THE LOCAL SLEEPY’S MATTRESS STORE WHEN A MAN FITTING PEE PEE WILLY’S INFAMOUS DESCRIPTION, BOUGHT 7 QUEEN SIZED MATTRESSES AND BOX SPRINGS IN LESS THAN A MONTH. AUTHORITIES WENT BACK TO THE LAST ADDRESS GIVEN FOR DELIVERY AND FOUND NO SIGN OF STRUGGLE OR STAINS. HOWEVER THEY DID DISCOVER A TRAIL OF GOLDEN, YELLOW, DROPLETS, WHICH THEY FOLLOWED AND SUBSEQUENTLY LOST IN CENTRAL PARK. AT THIS HOUR IT SEEMS PEE PEE HAS STRUCK AGAIN AND IS STILL ON THE LOOSE. BACK TO YOU JANE.
After We came down from Our high, We talked more in depth about the situations and circumstances surrounding these episodes. We found common denominators and other things that may be contributing factors. Eventually it boiled down to anxiety. Yes He sought professional help, which I call bullshit on their diagnosis, but it seemed to have helped. The episodes subsided and became manageable. Whoooo, that was some shit. I will never forget that day on Ocean Drive. The day I found out My Boy was the Notorious “Pee Pee Willy”……………. “Bwwwwwooooouuugghhhh.
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