How to start this story…. Hm. There were so many things right about her. She was smart, funny, feisty, sweet, sexy, honest, kind. She was 5'2, and she was mighty. A little spitfire when she wanted to be. When we met she was a brunette and she had beautiful blue eyes. They pulled me in like waves in the ocean. Her smile went from ear to ear, the kind that you can't help but smile back at. Her voice was so innocent, so soft, yet so stern when she wanted it to be. She loved whole heartedly and deeply. She was completely committed to me. She consumed my whole world, my thoughts, my dreams, my days and nights. Every moment I spent not talking to her I spent thinking about her. Every time I said bye I missed her instantly. Correction: every time I said I’ll talk to you later, she never liked to say bye because it was so final. We had an emotional and mental connection unlike any I had ever had. She would introduce me to new music and I would show her new movies. We would talk for hours about our lives and our pasts and just random nothings that we would lose track of time and before we knew it the sun would be coming up. We connected on every level possible. So deeply it was as if we were made for one another. Similar yet so different. She spoke German, always embarrassed to speak it to me, but never shy to tell me she loved me and missed me. Ich liebe dich (I love you) she would say and Ich vermierse dich (I miss you). We started slow, building a friendship. She wanted to develop something we could keep even if we didn’t work out on a romantic level. I agreed. Within a month the attraction was undeniable and we could no longer just be friends. I quickly saw that what I had felt before was never real. What I thought I had wasn’t love… And this was. We gave ourselves to one another completely. I was always there for her no matter what she needed. When her dad died I was there immediately. Any and every way she needed me. She went to Texas to be with her sister in the hospital and it strained our relationship but we always made it work. There was nothing we couldn’t get through. She went into the hospital for seizures. I tried to be there as best I could. I never managed to go out to Texas tho. I know that broke her heart. She went to Germany to be with her family when her grandma died and back home when her brother passed. It was Christmas when she lost her sister. This amazing person had lost everyone close to her. And still I never managed to make it out to Texas to be with her and be what she needed. She went in and out of the hospital for months. Then it happened. She had a seizure that put her into a coma. She was out for a month. It seemed like an eternity. And when she woke up she didn’t remember me. I remember thinking to myself when I found out, "what if I just disappear. What if this is a new beginning for her, where she doesn't have to feel that heartache anymore. Where she doesn't have to remember the things I did, the pain i caused, the pain of losing so many people." When she finally did, she remembered everything. All the pain, all the heartache, all the lies. Everything. I remember the day it ended the first time. It was a heartbreak I thought I’d never survive. I was sitting in my car with three of my friends. We were planning to smoke weed when I got a phone call. It was her. She had gotten the letter I wrote apologizing for everything I'd done and trying to make sense of it in my own head. Her-" I read your letter. How could you say such things? How dare you try to pin it on your past, and make it seem like it wasn't your fault. I gave you everything. I have you my entire heart, I loved you with everything I had and not once but twice you broke it and then you walked away. Why? You say you love me so much but you can't stick around and take responsibility for what you did? You say you want to be with me but you were the one who left. I'm done. I can't do this with you anymore. I can't hurt anymore. I don't want to. I'm tired of crying over you, I'm tired of hurting. You broke me. And I'm done." That conversation pierced my heart like a knife. I remember going back to the car, telling everyone I had to go, driving home and hoping my dad was awake. All I wanted in that moment was him, was to cry and have him tell me everything was going to be ok like dads are supposed to when their daughter's hearts get broken. But he was passed out on the couch in another drunken slumber. I went upstairs and woke up my mom. She got scared seeing the tears in my eyes and jumped up: Her-" what happened? Is everything ok?" Me- "no. I think ****** and I are really over. I talked to her on the phone tonight and it's real. We're really done." She hugged me and I cried harder than I ever have in my entire life. I wasn’t ok for a very long time. And neither was she. I broke my own heart and hers in the process.
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