TW: mentions of abuse, mentions of child abuse, dark themes, unreliable narration, implied references of suicide
January 1st, 2018
Orpheus,
I know this sounds weird, but i’ve compiled a list of reasons why you need to come home.
1. Sometimes when I see Icarus he has dried tears all over his face.
2. Your mother doesn’t care if i’m around anymore, she yells so loud these days.
3. How does she act when I am not there?
4. I know you probably think it’s too late now. That you can’t come back from this, or that staying away is now an obligation. That too much time has passed you by. But if you came home today, i think he’d stop crying. I think he’d never cry again. I think you can make this all better.
5. I asked him to move in with me, he said this was his home.
6. He won’t leave this house, he thinks you’re coming back.
7. Sometimes at night, when i’m half asleep in my bed, I reach out for him. My brain plays tricks on me, and I think he is laying next to me. I think everything is okay and he is safe. But he’s never there. He is unsafe. He is in a different bed, and his hands are shaking and his door is locked.
8. If he lived here, i’d lock the door for him.
9. I want to love him so much, he’ll feel nothing else. I want my love to burn his senses. I want him to feel it in his fingertips, and I want my love to dry up all the tears. I want my love to guide you home. I want my love to be so heavy, he can’t even think of bearing the weight of anything else. But I am just a boy. And I can’t love him enough to save him. I can’t love him enough to blur the line of fear: I can’t love him enough to make it all go away.
10. You can.
11. Please come back. Please help me help him.
12. If you came back today, I know exactly how you could do it. Icarus isn’t home right now, he won’t be until six. So all you have to do is be there before he gets back. Bring him something sweet. A piece of cake, maybe. Not an entire cake, that will make him feel like you’re going to leave again. It’s too flashy, too good to be true. But if you brought him a piece of cake and waited there until he got home, he’ll eat the cake and you can tell him that you missed him. I think he needs to hear that, plus, with his mind mostly occupied by cake, he won’t have time to overthink the sentiment. It’ll be just the right amount of sweets and just the right amount of love and I think he will forgive you.
13. He’ll forgive you in an Icarus way. In a, well you did bring me a piece of cake and you’re already home, way. And it won’t be too late and it won’t be too much.
14. When I was thirteen I read Dead Poets Society, I think in some ways Icarus is Neil. Only in this case, your mother is the father here. The desperate person pushing everything they couldn’t become onto their child. Sometimes the angry man is a women.
15. I think in this case, you are the mother. Sometimes the sweet women is a boy who doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know who I am in this. Maybe Knox, the over romantic boy who wants the girl. Or maybe I am Keating. Sometimes the older wiser teacher is just a wishful naive kid. And maybe this metaphor is slightly intangible. Maybe I forgot some leading components to the story. But whoever I am. And whatever this is. I know that if you don’t come home soon, I will become Todd and I think that’s reason enough for you to backpedal. I think, even if you can’t come home for yourself, or if you can’t come home for him, maybe there’s a chance you’ll come back for me. Maybe you can make it all better for me. Maybe you can save me from this, too.
