This straight guy, who weâll call Mike, has been roommates with Alex for a year. When Alex told Mike he was gay, he was absolutely fine with it. But then when Alex started to bring guys homeâŠhe started getting annoyed, resentful, disgusted.
Posting on Reddit, he said: âFirst things first, let me say that Iâve never thought of myself as being discriminatory before. I had a gay friend in high school and we made it through some tough times together, I never felt weird about him dating a guy. So all of this is coming out of nowhere.
ââAlexâ has been my roommate for one year, and I pretty much knew upfront about him being gay. At some point we became friendly enough with each other that we could even joke about it, as in, sometimes heâll pretend to flirt with me and Iâll pretend to flirt back. Iâm straight and he knows that, but I donât feel threatened by him flirting with me and he says most straight guys do.
âThe problems started because of this: Alex brings guys home sometimes. At the start I thought I was okay with it, since itâs really not my business who he sleeps with. Heâs usually discreet enough about it that I donât see/hear anything I wouldnât want to see/hear from anyone else, but for some reason Iâve started feeling weird if I even see him with other guys.
âI donât know when it started but one time that really sticks out to me is when I came home and saw him and some guy making out on the couch. I donât know how to describe what it was like to see that, except that for a moment I felt so bad I thought I was going to throw up. Alex was embarrassed (he didnât think Iâd be back for a while), but I told him it was okay since I was embarrassed too.
âI felt bad for being as disgusted as I was, since thereâs NO good reason for me to have a reaction like that. I thought maybe they just caught me by surprise and thatâs why I reacted so strongly, but it turned out it wasnât a one-time thing. After that, every time he has a guy over (not that often, but every once in a while) I just start feeling like shit and wishing that guy would leave, and I canât stop thinking about what these guys might have done to him even though I donât want to imagine that. It makes me really uncomfortable and grossed out. And these are just guys he fools around with, I donât know what Iâd do if he ends up getting an actual boyfriend.
âAlex has started to notice and itâs affecting our friendship. The other day I came home right when some guy was about to leave, and the guy tried to be polite to me but I ended up being rude to him (donât remember what I said, but it was really obvious I was pissed). When the guy left, Alex asked me why I was being an asshole. I didnât know what to say, but then he asked if I had a problem with him sleeping with other guys. I said no. For some reason that pissed him off more and he said I canât complain since I used to bring my fuckbuddy over and he was forced to see me being affectionate with her sometimes. (I was in an FWB situation with a girl in the early days of me and Alex living together, but I broke it off after a few months and I havenât done anything with anyone since.) I agreed with him and told him I was just having a bad day and I donât care who he sleeps with, but he looked more upset and told me heâs going to a friendâs place to cool off. I said okay. When he was leaving for some reason he casually said, âand youâll be okay if I sleep with him as long as I do at his place and not ours, right?â Or something like that. I told him itâs none of my business what he does at someone elseâs place, but when he said that I felt sick to my stomach and couldnât stop thinking about it.
âHe didnât show up later that night even though he was supposed to hang out with me and my sister. Heâs never blown me off before and it made me feel like shit, but part of it was my fault since I made him feel like I was judging him for sleeping with guys. Now heâs acting like nothing happened but Iâm worried I might mess things up if it happens again. I want to keep him as a friend, but heâd be hurt if he knew that whenever I think about him with other guys it disgusts me.
âHow do I deal with this? Iâve never been homophobic but Iâve suddenly developed some kind of homophobia where just the idea of my roommateâs sex life makes me uncomfortable. And I donât react like this to other gay people either, itâs just Alex. I donât know if this means Iâm only okay with gay people as long as Iâm not living with them or what. Does anyone else have experience with this? I want to get over myself and stop whatever this is, but if I canât Iâm going to have to leave since the last thing I want to do is hurt Alex, and if I stay here and keep automatically judging him for his lifestyle thatâs whatâs going to happen.
âtl;dr: Roommate is gay, I am not but I thought I was okay with him being gay until I realised I feel crappy when I see him with other guys and itâs started to affect our friendship. How to deal with this/stop being such a dick?â
One Redditor asked: âAre you sure that weird feeling isnât jealousyâŠ? i mean, this only seems to revolve around Alex specifically.â
And Mike responded: âI thought about that, but I donât know what Iâm meant to be jealous of. He definitely has a more active sex life than I do, but reacting like this to something like that seems really strange and irrational.â
The Redditor responded: âYeah i thought maybe you donât like seeing Alex with other people because you want his attention to yourself?â
âThe day I made the post, I met up with my sister Laura [24F] and I showed her the post. She read the whole thing and called me an oblivious walnut and said it sounds like I have a crush on Alex. The same conclusion some of you came to in the original post.
âAnyway, she talked me through it and we confirmed Iâm not as straight as I thought I was. She also pointed out something in my original post, where I said the more I tried to reassure him I didnât mind who he slept with, the more he got upset. Also: how he brought my old FWB situation into it. I just thought he was understandably mad with me for being an asshole, but Laura thought it sounded like maybe Alex wanted me to be jealous? We moved on from that topic pretty quickly, though, since I couldnât really handle the implications of that when Iâd JUST started to understand that I like this guy.
âThe next few days were mostly me sitting on my ass trying to wrap my head around everything. I was scared of messing up our friendship and losing him, but I was even more scared that I might just let this pass without saying anything and then he gets a boyfriend and I have to see him with another guyâŠetc. Because if that happened I would probably have to end it anyway, since as weâve established, Iâm not great at dealing with him being with other guys.
âProbably could have planned it better, but I told him. Right after a Tarantino marathon, if anyoneâs interested, since nothing says romance like graphic violence. I told him Iâve been such a dick because I was jealous. I donât think he got what I was getting at because he just laughed a little and said I didnât have to be jealous since it wasnât like Iâd have any trouble finding people to sleep with me. No clue how I explained, itâs a blur. Luckily he saw how nervous I was so he knew I was serious.
âWe talked. Long story short: all that flirting was real, but Alex didnât have any hope of it going further because of me being an oblivious âstraightâ guy. So heâs been trying to get over me. He laughed really hard when I told him about how I mistook my jealousy for homophobia, and he teased me by saying heâd never expected me to be the jealous type. Then again, we both ended up laughing a lot of out of nervousness and awkwardness. Iâve never seen him like that before since heâs usually pretty confident. In the end we agreed to maybe try something out, and we kissed. Never kissed anyone with a beard before, soâŠinteresting experience, but also really good. (Plot twist: it turns out I donât have any problem with Alex kissing guys if itâs me heâs kissing.)
âSince then weâve kind of been easing into the whole dating thing, I guess? I know this place is wary about roommate relationships and I get why, but itâs been great so far. We had our first proper date last weekend and it was incredible, though a bit weird since weâve done that a thousand times already and this time there was a new context. At home we still do our normal thing, but sometimes we get distracted. Last night I almost burned dinner because I had to kiss him and we got kind of carried away, haha. Weâre taking the whole sex thing slow though since Iâve never done anything with another guy before.
âIâm a little worried about coming out to my family and my other friends, especially since this is almost as new for me as it would be for them. My parents are very openminded and my mom especially loves Alex. But I have some more conservative family members on my dadâs side, and I can already imagine them blaming Alex for turning me gay. They can also be pretty racist (Lauraâs boyfriend is Latino so she knows all about that) and Alex is mixed. Itâs something to think about in the longterm, I guess. Alex has said he doesnât expect me to jump out of the closet right away, but if we end up calling ourselves a couple then Iâm not going to keep him a secret or anything.
âSoâŠweâre trying. And I am not a homophobe, and nobody needed therapy. Honestly, I canât remember the last time I was this happy, and I never would have expected this when I made that first post. Itâs a good thing some of you picked up on the actual problem and tried to get it through to me despite me being an oblivious walnut, soâŠthanks, guys.â
Funniest self-realization in the world? âPlot twist: it turns out I donât have any problem with Alex kissing guys if itâs me heâs kissing.â
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