The silver lining of the No-spanking concourt ruling
Since the Concourt ruling that parents can't spank their kids, many parents feel that the government has taken away their ability to discipline their kids or their religious freedom to raise their kids according to their beliefs. The old me (pre-kids & pre-research ) would probably have agreed on this narrative, feeling doomed to either end up with crazy unruly kids or in a jail cell, neither option appealing. I was taught that a spanking equaled discipline, in fact, so were my parents, it's one of those teachings that's been passed down through the generations. But if there’s anything our kids should teach us it’s to ask the question Why. Which is what I did.
The origin of the word Discipline is the Latin word discipulu, and in English, Disciple. To disciple means to teach and to guide, so by its definition discipline is not spanking (or other forms of punishment including time outs, yelling, shaming etc.). Furthermore, there is no research that links spanking to long term positive outcomes, while in fact the research points to the opposite of desired outcomes. Some of us received (& gave) spankings from a loving, well meaning place, which is one of the many variables that may have resulted in you and I turning out just fine. But rules are made for the population at large, and research supports the ban of spanking for the population at large. Okay, but what about “he who spares the rod hates his child”? For most of my life, I just assumed the rod meant a belt, wooden spoon, or other spanking apparatus, and only when I took a step back to reflect and research did I realize how that context doesn't make any sense. In biblical times, shepherds used their rods mainly to guide their sheep towards grazing pastures and to protect them from wild animals, not to beat them into submission. So yes, he who spares the rod (guidance, protection, teaching) hates his child. And so I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that my kids will not be undisciplined simply because the courts took away my ability to spank them.
So what does discipline look like, if not like a wooden spoon, belt or slipper? I came across the work of Dr Justin Coulson, a child psychologist, his suggestions make sense and is backed by research (besides the research he also has 6 kids himself- that's 6 personal tests to his theories) . He has some great basic discipline techniques which I summarize below:
The first step is Explain. I was raised in the 'because I say so' culture, if a child asked a question it was literally okay for a adult to say 'because I said so'. Kinda rude, right? Isn't it ironic that we'd be so proud of our kids when they grow up to be great thinkers and problem solvers, leaders, and pioneers yet we raise them to be followers, not even acknowledging their need to understand the reason behind our requests? And then, to add to the confusion, we instruct our kids to only apply the 'coz i say so' kind of obedience to some adults but not to others because of child abuse concerns. Why don't we just parent our kids to be the thinking, leading adults we actually hope them to be? We may need to change the culture and consciously drop the 'because I say so' card and spend the extra time in explaining why we are asking them to do something.
Next is Exploring with our kids. An exploration is normally a team effort, it’s also time consuming, and it’s no different here. Examples of explorations include exploring with them alternative and healthier ways that they can respond to their frustrations. As a 30-something adult, I am now learning about techniques to manage my thoughts and frustrations, and I wish I was taught these techniques as a kid when I struggled with regulating my emotions (& consequential outbursts) instead of simply being punished for an outburst. Another example is to explore the situation from their side and in the process teach them about empathy and model the very important skill of seeing things from another's perspective. The possible exploration list is long.
And then once we’ve been through this he suggests we must empower our kids to make better decisions. Because this is the end goal, to guide them into making better decisions even when we are not around to enforce or monitor them.
I wonder if the concourt ruling is the nudge we so desperately need to slow down and spend more time with our kids. What will South Africa look like if we as parents take a slower approach to parenting, explaining, exploring, encouraging, and empowering healthy behaviors instead of simply punishing misbehavior? If we aim to connect before we correct. I think we'd start seeing kids grow up to be adults who are equipped to respond better to their frustrations, and who are keen problem solvers. I think violence would decrease, I think we'd become more empathetic and bullying will decrease. The concourt ruling means one of two things to us as parents, we either going be non-law abiding citizens (with little kids watching) or we on our way to slower parenting. I’m hopeful that its the latter. Yeah we’ll get it wrong many times, and so will our kids. And that’s okay, because we’ll explore ways to do it better together the next time.
