My First Affair

Best Friends Turned Lovers

[myfirstaffair]

Car Accident

Tonight I was in a car accident. Nothing major. I texted J that I had been in an accident. He immediately called me as soon as he got the message. “Are you okay? Where are you? Do you need me?”

I choked back the tears (not very well I might add) as I said “I’m okay. I’m in front of the stupid home improvement store. I’m..I’m not going to pull you away from work or from home...it’s your choice...” Without hesitation “I’m on my way.”

He stood with me the entire time until finally I was able to go home. It wasn’t until a little bit ago that I realized I needed him to show up. I needed him to be there and be my strength while I started to fall apart. He held me and talked to me. He kept making me laugh. I needed all that. He needed to check and make sure I was okay. That I really was in one piece. Then he needed to make me smile. 

I wanted nothing more than to be able to go home with him. To curl up in bed with him and cry. To just shake off the jitters that I have. But I can't. We each had to go home separately and he’s going out of town this weekend for a long weekend. 

Work is being shitty. 

in short my day fucking sucked and the only positive is that I got to see him today.

[myfirstaffair]

I’m still here

It’s been a while but I’m still here. Things have slowed down a little bit with J. At first I spent a lot of time panicking. Now I have ventured into calm acceptance. Things get busy. Plans have to change, you just have to adapt with that change sometimes. And that’s okay. J has been busy with work and fighting off the plague for a while. It’s okay. We’re okay. 

I spent a lot of my weekend thinking. A lot of my weekend remembering. 

I fell asleep last night remembering the night that this all started. How J tested the waters by casually putting his arm around me during the hockey game. It’s so silly, such a little touch but I remember being hyper aware of that touch. Of looking at the hand and trying not to read into it. Why should I? In my mind he was happily married. He had never once let on that he had feelings...

Correction. He had. I was just very oblivious to that fact. 

Seven months. Seven months Tuesday since this all started. Seven months since my life changed. Seven months since I walked a path I never imagined I would walk.

This is the month of writing. hopefully I will be able to write more.

[wnq-writers]

And then I keep asking myself over and over again why the hell did you act the way you did if you already knew we wouldn’t last? Why did you act the way you did if you already knew you’d forget me. Why did you act the way you did if you already knew I wouldn’t have mattered anyways?

kiikiiriiki  (via wnq-writers)

[myfirstaffair]

I wish you were here.

I wish you had been able to come tonigh.

I wish you were in bed with me tonight.

I miss your kisses. I miss your touches.

I just fucking miss you.

[wnq-writers]

Don’t leave me alone at night with my thoughts.

this velvet sky makes it hard to breathe, scribblingaway  (via wnq-writers)

[myfirstaffair]

When it's your lover's anniversary with his wife and you avoid all social media that has reminders of previous events because you were at their wedding 🙃

[myfirstaffair]

My actual boyfriend D and I broke up officially. So there's that.

[linesx]

[thelovejournals]

I’m terrified of falling in love.

Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides

[blossomfully]

Why are you so scared?“ he asked. “Because,” I say, “because you could leave at any moment and there isn’t a single thing I can do about it.”

Sue Zhao (via blossomfully)

[myfirstaffair]

Ages Ago

It feels like ages since I last wrote here. Things have been progressing but also staying the same. 

J leaves tomorrow to go out of town for a guys adventure. We haven’t been able to spend much time together because of work and just timing. My anxiety is almost on a constant all hands on deck. While my logical brain knows that there is nothing wrong, that everything is fine...because of the lack of time together I’m also panicking.

I’m hoping we can do lunch tomorrow maybe. To see him one last time before he leaves for a week. 

I wish my anxiety would calm the fuck down...

[wnq-writers]

I miss being around you. I miss the sound of your voice, Your laugh when I tell the worst jokes, The feeling of being in your embrace. I’ve gone from seeing you everyday to not at all, and it hurts more than I thought it ever would.

maddicierra775  (via wnq-writers)

[fyp-psychology]

A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.

Carl Jung (via wordsnquotes)

[wnq-writers]

She’s honestly the girl you don’t see coming at first. She’s the only girl you find yourself wanting to try for. You’ll find yourself remaining soft for her no matter how hard life gets. Even when you’ve built your strong exterior she’ll be the one who can see right through it. She knows exactly how to crumble every wall you build. You’ll still find yourself craving her. Even when she’s a chaotic storm herself. You find yourself storm chasing into the unknown because she’s the one who makes you feel safe when your mind is raging and confused. She’ll be your calm. In her eyes, you’ll find beyond them lies a familiar soul. And that’s why she’s different than every other girl. I want nothing more than to be able to take her hand and guide her through showing her how to love again. Just like she taught me to remain open and soft. Good things do come to good people. And I believe she’s one of them even if she’s not mine.

S.S.  (via wnq-writers)

[wnq-writers]

If I have a choice, I would rather listen to your voice over the noise.

elementalalchemist

[myfirstaffair]

The Wife works in a hospital. She helps people. But for some reason...I can’t get over the fact she treats her husband like a trophy...like something that is owed to her. And knowing J like I do it drives me mad. It makes me sick to see this sweet man treated like that.

Even though she’s in the business of saving lives...

I can’t help but be in love with her husband.

[myfirstaffair]

J was very much catholic. He’s excommunicated now but you don’t just drop what you believed for years. I’m writing up things that are very honest in my spiritual sense of how I would be in a haunting. or during every scary movie,...