your pal, stefani paige @myfriendstef - Tumblr Blog

What to do when your ex moves on and doesn’t want to be your friend anymore.

-- I wrote this in the summer of 2014 when I was 21 years old (probably about to turn 22). It is easily, in my opinion, the funniest thing I’ve ever written. I’ve made some edits to make it flow better, be gender neutral, and also to respect my ex’s pronouns (I also am not even sure if my ex is dating anyone right now but this was written when they were). When you notice extreme or specific examples of things, I am v. obviously pulling from my personal experience. I also have never stolen a goldfish.--

Eventually, we all learn that our ex doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I won’t say that my time with my ex-lover was any more tumultuous than anyone else’s time with their ex-fave. Or that my ex is any more of a pain in my ass than anyone else’s ex. We’ve all had ex-somethings, but there’s always the hope that we can ‘be friends’ (can also be read has ‘have hate sex with when we’re drunk’) afterwards.

When I reflect on my past with my ex-babefriend, with which started way back when I was fifteen with little to no self-esteem, I realize that what I thought was the most epic love of all time was really just me being desperate for attention. Not in a bad way, but in a ‘Hey, is there a reason that you’ve moved across the country four times for other women on a whim but told me that it would ‘cost too much’ to leave Chicago to come with me to get a hypothetical abortion?’ kind of way.

What I’m trying to say is, is that there will be signs really early on telling you when you scoot a boot over to the next one. Trust me, my ex has done it plenty of times. In fact they’ve scooted their boot mere days after reuniting with me and confessing their love to me (even that one time after my cousin’s funeral!). Be it moving on without telling you, or not caring when your dad gets cancer, or when your parents get divorced, or hell, not even being there on your birthday: these are all big red flags that this person is so over it, and probably so over you.

So here’s what you have to do about it.

1. Let yourself be fucking mad.

Yo, this person is a DICK (to you, not to other people). You can be SO MAD at this person. You can tell your friends how MAD YOU ARE that this person sponged all your happiness up and then when you needed to be a sponge they decided to be the Sahara on steroids. You can be SO MAD AND ANNOYED that they are banging their new fave and telling their new babe how cute and perfect they are because you probably taught them how to be that nice in the first place. But remember: just because your ex is telling someone else how beautiful and great they are does not mean that you are no longer beautiful and great. And yeah you can be mad, but don’t be mad for too long. Like I said, this person was a dick but to a lot of other people in their life they’re not so dickish. The best way to ruin a dick is to keep it soft, so when you’re done being mad at it, just ignore it.

2. And when you’re done being mad, be nice to yourself.

It is super easy to hate yourself when your ex moves on. After you have your ‘wow I hope they get in a car accident’ phase (they actually did get in a car accident), or the ‘fall in a fire’ phase (they actually did fall in a fire); it’s likely to fall into the ‘But why did they leave me?’ phase. Pro tip: DO NOT ASK THEM WHY. For some reason, they either won’t tell you or if they are mad at you they will say something really mean out of anger and probably something that wasn’t true in the first place. 10/10 would not recommend. Instead of taking your sadness out on yourself, listen to ‘Hit ‘em Up Style (Oops!)’ by Blu Cantrell and ‘Obsessed’ by Mariah Carey and convince yourself that none of what happened was your fault and that you’re a bad bitch (i feel like ‘bad bitch’ is gender neutral) who can go on huge shopping sprees. Buy yourself things you like whether its lipsticks or LL Bean hiking gear, I don’t know your preferences and frankly I don’t really care (just like your ex!) Ultimately, be mad, but then understand that everyone has their faults, even you, but that doesn’t mean that you’re shitty. So do awesome things for yourself and with yourself so you can remember what’s great about YOU with or without your (actually shitty) ex.

3. Don’t over analyze, but analyze a little bit.

When you and your beau break up and they move on and you’re still miserable and single (or awesome and single at this rate), it’s easy to over think and move backwards a step. ‘If only I had..’ – if only you had what? Put out more? Talked less? Listened to their shitty music? Let them get away with treating you like garbage and not stood up for yourself? Didn’t eat the last slice of pizza? Worn a fez on your first date? Wished their turtle a happy birthday? If only you’d not been yourself? Fuck THAT. There’s no reason to think about ‘if only’ in relationships that ended because hellll0o0o0 nimrod, they ENDED. They’re over. They happened. The damage here is done so I guess I be leavin~*,’ kind of over. Here’s the thing, you can think about why it ended, but you can’t go back and fix it. The best thing to do is think back and realize where you might have gone wrong, recognize it, own it, and if it was shitty enough that they still remember it or you yourself still feel guilty about it: apologize for it. If you genuinely hurt your ex and they expressed that you hurt them and why, even if it’s ridiculous sounding, apologize for it (unless they tell your that your feelings are stupid and don’t make sense and that you’re making it all up in your head, don’t ever apologize for having feelings). If your ex is not a total shit bag (debatable), discuss your pain and express how they might have hurt you. If they can own up to that and apologize for it, then maybe they weren’t so shitty in the first place and it’ll be a quicker journey to closure. If they claim that they never did anything wrong even though there were times that they made you cry in public and then tried to get everyone in public to pay attention to it to embarrass you and cause a scene then they are trash and you really shouldn’t have dated them in the first place. What I’m trying to say is, think about the things that happened; but don’t dwell too hard on them. See where you might have gone wrong and try to better yourself from it instead of hating yourself for it. We all make mistakes; your ex did too. Ultimately, not everyone is innocent in cases like these so see where you could have been the guilty one. You never know when you’re the villain in another person’s story.

4. Don’t hate.

Now that you’ve aligned your self-pity chakras and stopped being sad about everything and taken responsibility for your actions, treated yourself to some expensive ass sunglasses or I don’t know, a delicious crepe, you gotta face the facts. Your ex-slampiece is lovin’ up hard on their new babefriend and the may or may not be rubbing it in your face. This will sting if only for a moment. Here’s a piece of steaming hot truth flavored pie: the new person they are seeing is not a fugly slut. It is not their fault that your ex is banging them or buying them croissants from your favorite café. It is not their fault that your ex is bringing them to all of ‘your’ spots. It’s your ex’s fault that they are not original in their dating endeavors and you can hold true to the fact that you will so not be boring as fuck the next time you’re dating a fine ass biddy. I have had many moments of false pride where I say to my friends: yep, still the cutest bitch in the ex’s little black book (of lies and excuses). But that’s not to say that the person they’re dating isn’t a wonderful person with a caring heart who might understand their blatant attempts at making me miserable in the past. In fact, they might not even be sad now that they’re with this person, and this person doesn’t even know who I am. Just like the new boo probably does not know who you are. Case and point: you might have better eyebrows, a cuter butt, more chiseled jaw-line, a bigger comic book collection, be smarter (nerd), or have sweet fucking pecks bro (I’m trying to cater to all audiences here, relax.) but that doesn’t mean that you’re better than the new person your ex is dating. Hating the new person because you’re upset that your ex left makes zero sense because the new person probably does not know you and has very little desire to hurt you; and if your ex is dating someone else in order to hurt you and have made those intentions clear then steal their goldfish (the snack or the pet, who really cares?). If they have neither, bulldoze their house and call it even.

When worse comes to worse its going to suck when your ex moves on. You’re going to text them randomly, you’re going to text them when you’re drunk, you’re going to text them three weeks later when you’re bored; they will probably not text back. It’s not because they never loved you. It’s not because their new beau is better at oral. It’s not because they have a hotter body. It’s not because your ex thinks you’re a crazy ignorant bitch who doesn’t know anything because you’re two years younger than them. It’s because they’re over you, you’re not special to them in that moment or at all anymore. A text from you might look like a text from any other friend that they’ll get back to or forget to get back to, or frankly just aren’t in the mood to talk to. It’s not because you suck. So stop thinking you suck, stop thinking it’s about you, stop hating yourself for a failed relationship when a really awesome relationship could be coming up for you. Or y’know, a really nice kitten, or a really nice set of weights to lift, or a parasailing lesson, or a fruit salad, or consensual anal at a strip club. Whatever makes you happy.

Your ex moved on, okay?

And guess what:

So will you.

BRANDS YOU’RE SLEEPING ON: NUDESTIX

photo: nudestix instagram

WHAT IS IT?

#GONUDEBUTBETTER

Nudestix is a Toronto based makeup company created by Jenny Frankel and her two daughters Taylor and Ally. If Jenny’s name rings a bell for you, it might be because she was the Executive Vice President and co-creator of Cover FX for 11 years and was a product developer for MAC in the 90s. (Science and chemistry, y’all! Girl power!). The brand is pretty self explanatory: they are sticks of nude colors (with some pops) that can be used on the eyes, lips, and face. Most face products, like their concealer sticks, are created with vitamin E and shea butter to condition the skin and hydrate areas that might be patchy. But don’t worry, my oily skin readers! The finish is more of a satin-matte so you don’t have to worry about it melting away. Everything is packaged in a ego friendly tin that can fit up to SIX pencils, so you and literally do a look in a box. The products range from concealer, eye pencils in soft hues to their magnetic eye pencils with bold color saturated color, lip/cheek pencils in a variety of finishes, to brows and blur pencils.

Ultimately, the brand is great for the make-up wearer on the go, a person just getting into make-up, the natural look lover, and the ‘I wanna scroll through Instagram for twenty more minutes before I get out of bed’ kind of make-up wearer.

Nudestix are also proud supporters of the Love is Louder foundation.

HERO/HOT PRODUCTS:

1) Lip & Cheek Cream Pencil in Whisper 2) Eyebrow Stylus Pencil & Gel 3) Magnetic Eye Color in Night 4) Sheer Eye Color in Shimmer 5) NUDESTIX Blur Pencil

WHY I LIKE IT:

I can do an entire face in less than five minutes and make it fashion (#tyra). The products are easy to explain to clients and there is more than one use for every product in the line. The skin pencils: BLUR, MOISTURIZE, CLEAN-UP, and MATTIFY are amazing in a pinch if you need to blur pores or are out of lip liner, if you missed a patch with your moisturizer, messed up your eyeliner, or have a pimple that just won’t quit producing sebum. I nearly gagged when I tried to wipe off the Magnetic Eye Colors after I swatched them and found that they didn’t even budge. The quality of the lip products is amazing and long wear with a color for everyone. I use the concealers to contour and high light very often because of how natural and seamlessly they blend on the skin. There is not a product in the line that I’m not a fan of. Everything is multi-purpose, even the eye pencils. (You can usually see me using them on the lid, inner corner, and as a face highlighter.) You don’t need a primer with the eye pencils because they are just that good. I honestly want to stock my entire kit with them because I lose it every time I use them or introduce them to a client.

Also, I met Jenny, Taylor, and Ally at work when they introduced the brand to us and they are nothing but nice, genuine, and passionate about their products. They ask questions and are always open to feedback and really show how much they care about the client and the people who are using and educating consumers about the brand. My only gripe is the lack of deeper concealer shades BUT I touch on the super cool rumors I heard in the ‘why you’ll like it’ section of this post.

WHY YOU’LL LIKE IT:

Are you not great a smokey eyes or wish you could just do your face in five minutes and have it look clean and glowing without trying? Bam, boom, NUDESTIX. It’s eco-friendly and cruelty free and independently owned, so no sneaky 3rd party testing to worry about. The packaging is reusable and adorable, you also get a sharpener with your purchase so you don’t have to go bumbling back into a store when you fin the product has hit the flat zone.

The ingredients are great for the skin and they are such a great brand for the summer when you want to keep it minimal but pretty. (I find I’m reaching for it on my days off when I just wanna look like I haven’t died.) If you’re a beginner to make-up, it’s the line for you to get started. If you’re a professional make-up artist, it is the ideal set of products to have on set while your kit sits in HMU holding. While they are more on the ‘nude’ side of things, the products pack a punch and give the face the lift and glow most of us are looking for. The brand, rumor has it, is also developing more shades in their concealer line so that everybody can utilize their concealer products along with the rest of what the brand has to offer.

Everything in the line retails for $24.

WHERE CAN I GET IT?

NUDESTIX is currently sold at Sephora, Urban Outfitters, Aerie, Space.NK, Beautylish, and a number of other retailers found here.

BRANDS YOU’RE SLEEPING ON: MILK MAKEUP.

photo by: me, for legal reasons, duh

WHAT IS IT?

High Concept Low Maintenance.

Milk Makeup is a make-up brand produced by the cultural and multimedia hub Milk (also known as Milk Studios to some homies), based in both NY and LA. The brand focuses on innovative formulas, products, packaging, and colors to make make-up easy but edgy. Milk Makeup is cruelty-free, 100% gluten free and over 60% vegan, giving gluten intolerant and animal loving make-up junkies a chance to try (almost) everything from lipstick to face mist.

‘We see beauty in originality and authenticity. Our multi-use products are designed for experimentation and self-expression. We have long-lasting shades from bold to bare, whatever your look, we're into it. At Milk Makeup, there are no rules.’ - The Line as described by the Milk Makeup Website

HOT/HERO PRODUCTS:

1) Face Gloss 2) Sunshine Oil 3) Matte Quad 4) Creamy Lip Color 5) Coverage Duo

WHY I LIKE IT:

Okay, I love it, let’s be real. When I was trained on the products I was told ‘The Milk girl does her make-up quick,’ and boy do I. Everything in the line is made to be used without a brush. It can be done on the fly on the subway or used as a touch up on set with my finger tips. Everything in the line is made to be used efficiently and made to have textures that blend out smoothly (aside from any marker products, obv). Not only that, but so much of it has skin care benefits included so I can feel good about using it on my own face as well as my clients’ faces.

My current favorite products from the line are the Matt Bronzer cream stick, the Creamy Lip Color in New Whip, the Cooling Water gel stick, the Eye Pigment in Rave, and the Face Gloss, hello duh.

WHY YOU’LL LIKE IT:

Milk Makeup is made with a lot of good-for-you products like coconut oil, mango butter, etc. It is paraben-free and the packaging is sustainable and recyclable. The line is geared to all genders and skin tones. The advertisements and Instagram feature skintones of all ranges and often feature men and gender-fluid models (and every day people!) lookin’ glam AF.

You can shop the whole collection to fit your daily skin care and make-up needs. The line is so multi-faceted and multi-purpose so you can go from plain jane to rockstar grunge ethereal goddess punk lord in .02 seconds. You can hydrate, cleanse, moisturize, primp, cover, glow, flush, and everything else with only one or two products used a multiple of different ways; whether you have an hour and half to get ready or you’re transferring from the 4 to the L (I rolled my eyes as I wrote that, I hate myself).

WHERE CAN I GET IT?

Milk is currently available on their website, select Sephora stores, Sephora.com, and select Urban Outfitters.

TL;DR

MILK IS COOL, HERE’S THE BRAND VIDEO:

My Friend Stef: What my POST GRAD LIFE looks like (You should really get health insurance.) - EP 2

I get a little rambly and weird at the beginning but then it gets fun at about the half way mark and you realize why it’s REALLY IMPORTANT TO GET HEALTH INSURANCE OKAY. LEARN FROM MY SWOLLEN KNEE MISTAKES!

BUT GUYS!

Please don’t hesitate to request or ask questions! I’m trying to make these fun and cool for you! Is there anything I’ve posted hear that you’d like me to expand on? Contact me through these links:

www.twitter.com/myfriendstefani

www.myfriendstefani.tumblr.com/ask

or:

[email protected]

Thanks again for listening!

#podcast #myfriendstef #myfriendstefani #myfriendstef podcast

MY FRIEND STEF: The Podcast Pilot - EP 1

Yep y’all, I did it. And I talk about where POST GRAD LIFE went and how it will be revived.

Please feel free to contact me with comments, questions, concerns, or suggestions at either:

TWITTER: twitter.com/myfriendstefani EMAIL: [email protected] HERE: myfriendstef.tumblr.com/ask

#podcast #myfriendstef #stefanipaige #beauty #life advice #beaty podcast #life podcast #coffeewithchrachel #coffee with chrachel

life in hi-resolution, 2016p

See what I did there?

I guess I’ve been thinking about stuff I want to get done this year that has nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with who I am as a person. As I grazed through my friends list on facebook (the modern day way to track every human I’ve ever met) I kept note of how a couple of people weren’t showing up, not even as acquaintances, not even as friends of friends, that brings me to my first thing I need to change up as I enter the second half of twenty-three:

stop holding onto petty bullshit (those people probably wouldn’t have blocked you if you didn’t, you probably would have more friends).

Here’s the thing, I spend an excruciating amount of time comparing myself to other people. I also have this stupid idea where I think I know the correct way to approach life and other situations (probably why I have few boyfriends and romantic prospects), so if I’m not wishing I was somebody, I am judging that somebody. (Tell me are you that somebody?) I wasted a lot of time not liking people based off of petty bullshit, leaving me with their work, fucking the dude I had a crush on, blatantly not liking me for not reason when not everyone has to like me. And really, not everyone has to like me, and I should need everyone to like me either (unless it’s a business prospect in which I absolutely need everyone to think I am the best at everything). Holding onto stupid shit that won’t matter in three months is only holding me back as a human bean and I can’t grow if I’m weighed down by stuff I don’t need to be mad about anymore. If I can find ways to forgive my ex, I can forgive someone for annoying me more than one time. I spend too much time talking shit and not enough time getting my shit together, and maybe that’s cute in college but it’s not cute in real life.

take a damn risk because you are one cowardly bitch.

Okay so I already started doing this by unpettily getting rid of people in my life who are really horrible for me and deleting a whole bunch of phone numbers that I don’t need. I’m basically the next feature on HOARDERS: Feelings Edition, so getting rid of people who might have made me emote in some way is a big risk for me. Surprise, I use pain as a crutch to make myself interesting and I’m SO OVER THAT, so let me start by being risky and telling those people how I really feel and then gettin’ rid of ‘em so then I can’t bitch about it anymore. But in terms of REAL RISKS, I am horrible at that, and I have been since I was super young. As young as five I have been afraid of failure of any kind, down to sobbing to my mom about getting a 97% on a math test I studied really hard on because it wasn’t an 100% and anything less to me was a failure. Because of this I have never strayed too far out of my comfort zone, always sticking to things I was good at the keep me afloat. I’m afraid to see what my potential is as a person and an artist because what if I’m actually not good enough at all? What if I’m actually a really shitty writer? What if no one cares about this blog? What if making videos is a waste of time? What if I never have enough credits to join the union for MUAs? What if? Well, BITCH (me), you won’t KNOW if you don’t DO THE THING! I need to be open to failure and look at it as something that I will meet eventually, like a weird internet friend that likes all of my stuff and is a huge fan of me and I guess I sort of like them but would rather them leave me alone than reblog my mental breakdown posts. (We all have that one mutual, y’know?) But jokes aside, sometimes failing happens and I can either choose to let that stop me from my own potential greatness or I can stay comfortable and complain about how I’m not doing big things. The choice is mine, I just have to go DO.

like yourself Self explanatory. But the less you like yourself, the less you will like a lot of things and the less you will believe in yourself. If I wanna take more risks, I need to believe I can take those risks, so I gotta start liking myself and thinking I’m cool and working hard and knowing I can do it or else I will literally set myself up to fail before I even start.

be a lot softer, let someone love you, go on shitty dates I am guarded, which seems weird since I tell you guys a lot of stuff about me. But in real life, like, if you ever met me and tried to be my friend or romantically pursue me you will find that I talk a lot but I never really say anything. (One of my very close friends from childhood told me that about myself and I thought it was interesting.) I don’t like to let people know that I need help or need anything, even down to someone offering me a sweater when it’s cold. It weirds me out, I don’t like letting people take care of me and I reject the offers without even realizing I’m doing it. When you’re someone I’m close with you will know that I’m a big giver: compliments, food, lil’ gift things, plan ideas, etc. I give back rubs and head scratches (and if we’re talking sexually I am v. gifted in all of the giving types of departments okay, hi mom sry). The last person I was romantically involved with was one of the first people to call me out on the fact that I don’t let people take care of me, and I think it’s time I did. I need to let myself be more vulnerable with people and allowing them to be there even if I think I don’t need them. You will always need love at the end of the day, even if it isn’t romantic, and the more relationships I can create this year the better. The more I can take in the better, the more shitty dates, the more bad kissing, the more friendships, it all adds to the story. Being the cold hearted ‘don’t love me’ girl doesn’t look good on me anymore, it’s just not my style. I have to be more forgiving, I need to let go of being bitter, I have to let go of this safety net that is my anger and disillusioned idea that I’m not ‘enough’ for other people. People are not as scary as they look.

stay cute

v. easy

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model: yurie collins photographer: andrew fennell makeup&hair: stefani paige vivian

updated my website, added a fashion tab, more of these guys are on here.

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excuse me hi look at this angel

#makeupbyme

myfriendstef

super powers.

when you’re fifteen years old your idea of strength is not sitting in the shower at midnight dry heaving and sobbing into your knees. when you’re twenty-three, it isn’t your idea of strength either; but it is definitely better than doing other things.

i watched the jessica jones series on netflix after reading this article and speaking with some friends from home who have both watched the series and have had similar experiences to me. the article itself was nothing short of a punch in the gut but the show did not effect me in full until i finished it. ya see, my experience with my ex-boyfriend never actually seemed real until i watched it happen in front of me in a television show (minus super strength and great rough sex with mike colter and my ex not being british with mind control powers of the super variety). of course there were moments of clarity where i knew that it happened but when you have slipped in and out of something so gross and horrible for you it stops being fact and starts to become a feeling.

after eight on and off years it is still hard to refer to my ex-boyfriend as my abuser.

i remember watching a vhs tape in my health class about abusive relationships. your average after school special where one day the guys tells the girl to change her outfit because he doesn’t like it, the next day he shoves her against a car, and before you know it he beats her to a pulp and then says he’ll kill her or kill himself if she leaves. the ending is always that she is strong enough in the end and leaves and gets an adult involved, there’s a restraining order, what’s done is done. what they never told me in health class is that sometimes abuse doesn’t have to leave a mark, that you can feel stained without feeling a fist against your cheek. without wiping your blood out of your eyes or scrubbing it out of your clothes. that someone following you to work because you won’t stop to talk to them isn’t romantic but actually super scary. i think it’s important to have shows that depict abuse survivors and accurate recounts of emotional and psychological abuse to be a stand in for the new ‘after-school special’ and for an audience that was brought up thinking differently about what abuse is and how many forms there are and how they work. it’s really damaging to watch shows that try to make girls and boys believe that manipulation and stalking is a form of romance.

as much as i bring up my past relationship on my personal blog and with friends, i found i was never really expressing how i felt as much as i was just story telling. i sometimes believe that my past relationship is the most interesting thing about me; i’m so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that. it’s something that i am great at cracking witty jokes about or stating plainly and immediately emotionally recoiling to prove to whoever i’m talking to that i’m past it, that i’m not bitter. except, i am bitter and i’m not past that pain yet because i was never letting myself really believe that it happened, i turned it into something i could separate from myself and only remember parts of, just the bad parts.

my ex told me that i had a selective memory and that it’s ‘unnerving’ to him that i can’t remember the great things he did for me because of ‘how badly i want to be the victim’.

‘it’s almost like you meet people and immediately say ‘hi i’m stefani, let me tell you about my shitty ex-boyfriend’.’

sometimes and some days i agree with how he said that.

but instead of getting into the things my ex did, because hey lets not relive it for the internet to see, let’s talk about something positive (but still sort of sad, whoops).

when i was done with the last episode i took a minute to look up some other articles to see what else i could relate to. half-way through the second paragraph of the first one i found my heart settled itself in my throat. it finally hit me all at once, that the pain that i dealt with, and still deal with, was valid. after spending years not thinking it ‘really was’ or that maybe i was over reacting because that’s what he said or that’s what my mom thought i was doing; i felt like it was okay to be upset about it. not angry, not the way i had been before, but sad, aching, but in some weird way: free. for once i knew what i was dealing with and could put a name to it.

i haven’t talked to my ex in about two months which doesn’t sound promising or whatever, but for the first time it feels like it really was and is the last time. since our last conversation, where i finally put into words all of the things i was afraid to say to him, i was able to remove him as a person in my life and be comfortable with that. but like i said, abuse stops being a person and starts becoming a feeling (at least for me, please if anyone relates to what i mean i urge you to express it to me because hi, feelings are weird). since i moved officially to new york i’ve been going through what i can only describe as a mild form of ptsd. in college i depended a lot on closing myself off and being sarcastic and caustic (but also really funny ok) in order to keep from seeming vulnerable (give or take a few ‘really drunk at the kingston ave 3 train stop and crying at a boy that kissed me a few times’ moments). i related to jessica’s biting sarcasm and blunt comments because i’ve been that, and i’m still that. it’s very hard for me to be nice to people i’m just meeting without hiding behind the guise of that ‘funny dark haired bitchy girl with a fat ass (ayy!) who i can never tell if she’s joking when she tells me i’m an embarrassment to the human race’. don’t try to hurt me or get to know me because i’m going to hurt your feelings and walk away from you first sort of mentality.

and it’s not for lack of not wanting to be with someone again, it’s just not really knowing how to be. it’s being afraid that i’m capable of hurting other people the way i’ve been hurt. it’s understanding that i have also been manipulative and have been just as shitty to my ex as he’s been to me because i’ve closed off just the same. i’m making an active promise to myself, after crying for four hours in the dark on my floor, to be more vulnerable as i move on in my life. not only in romantic relationships, but just in general. being more vulnerable with myself because i spent so much time not being that and shutting down in order to let room in for other people’s pain. i never felt like i was allowed to really hurt because i was constantly reminded that someone, my ex in particular, was hurting worse than i was. that what i felt wasn’t important. i still struggle with thinking my thoughts and feelings are important or interesting to other people.

something that watching this show helped me realize is that you can start over after destroying something that was holding you back. that’s what i’m working on now, facing what is staring me in the face. all the fear i have about actually becoming my full potential as a person and not being a shell of myself. looking in the mirror and not feeling stained or bruised anymore. realizing that any other men in my life are not and are never going to be my ex, and that i cannot expect that whatever love i get in the future is going to be that kind of love. not stressing out when someone doesn’t text me back (holy shit i know it’s so petty but there are reasons why !!!). not being afraid to be open and genuine at the first sign of friendship or romantic feelings.

most importantly, i need to stop apologizing to other people for being myself. i need to stop being insecure with being vulnerable or missing people or wanting to talk to someone.

i don’t want my best friend from home to think my laugh still sounds like there is nothing behind it. i want to be better than that girl now, i want to push myself past this and grow from it instead of holding onto all of that anger.

maybe that’s my power, is finding the strength to want to move on and start over from square one.

and y’know, i think that’s pretty super if you ask me.