The save point

This space is designed to be a place I could come to if I feel I've lost my way; a save point for myself as I travel.

[myittybittyconsciousness]

i thought maybe my love might pull you in, hold you at a *stable distance* like  the gravity of a star

but it wasn’t until i felt your tug, your longing pull

that i realized we were binary stars all along

mutually revolving around the space in our hearts

..

until we coalesce

[myittybittyconsciousness]

i was staring at my penis

cuz im frugal (read: cheapaf) and my boxers are old and a little torn and im sitting in them cuz i ran and wanted to dry off a little and lil fella pops out

i had been knudging lil fella a little previously through my boxers, no real intention or anything, just idly- figure everyone does this kinda shit (i feel lil guy proppin up a lil bit now at the thought)

and i decided to stare at my penis with an attempt at looking at it objectively; at first i thought of my feelings of a duck’s penis, an example of “just another penis,” decided that view point did me no good, so i decided to look at it as my penis. as it slowly started to fall a little bit, i realized that i really have no good and/or proper contextualization of sex. i have no idea wtf im doing! honestly that would explain so much. took a little time to think on it today, i am sure there is more thinking to come in the future.

oh also if i become a billionaire, would it be weird if i hired someone to search for people who look like previous crushes who were willing to have sex for money? i have it all worked out, if they’re into it, we’ll correspond with a sheet of kinks/boundaries, dates, payment, etc. dunno. guess it’d be healthier (and way cheaper) to find closure another way. OH that’s another fucknig thing about this brainheartbody of mine. closure! it takes SOooOOo long??! like i shit you not i have things from like 5 years old that i never really quite got? or contextualized or what have you, and it’s still hard for me to do it as an adult. i mean i guess we’re all like that though, right, in some fashion or another.. battling past traumas and shit from who knows when..

but yeah back to sex i am totally a premature ejaculator- or at least i used to be? i have sex sooo infrequently. actually with a condom on it’s not so bad or.. “normal” ? but without, i am soooo sensitive ^_^ :) :) omg i needd to have more sex in my life fuck i keep saying that and processing feelings of loneliness but not acting. i was thinking of that earlier today. all of the girls, young women, women that have smiled at me kinda shyly throughout life.. like.. idk. actually. i do know. i’ve really only returned intentions of interested parties, very rarely does it work out when i pursue someone actually it never has worked out once in my life if i think about holy fuck that’s depressing i have been turned down lots in my life never thought about it like that shit no wonder im so nervous at the prospect. maaaaaaaaaan

met a dude who told me that where he lived women were very forward and i thought to myself well fuck where’s that been my whole life, i am totally more built for the receiving end of that- but in a pinch can do opposite.. holy shit ive had a lot of crushes in my life, mostly dumb. people who were prob good for me, i never really saw. or wasn’t interested in or idk whatever. thinking of this one girl i tried to let down easy in 7th grade who was into me. honestly she would’ve been very good for me, i think. fuuuck, choices i would make if i relived shit.. she was sweet, honest, hardworking, determined, yet somehow soft..? yeah that would’ve been good for 7th grade me man really she would’ve helped me get my head straight early on, put things into perspective.

i bet i been meeting people like that my whole life and rejecting them for the same reason lol- if they remind me too much of my dad i feel funny.

he’s alright, not the greatest not the worst, i spent lots of time with my mom and i know she still has pent up negative feelings about them, i assume i picked some of that up, bet she’s noticed that, and kinda let down a bit. from what i’ve heard (too young to have experienced it) they hid their fights from my sibs pretty well

this post has gone on long enough

[fuckedupbutnotfuckedover]

i just had the most pure acid trip in my dream

and there was a dmt part but i don’t remember it so well. actually the dmt part came first(?)

but i woke up feeling pretty good, emotionally, like i’d let a lot go (good interactions in the dream)

went for a short walk/meditate. back now. wondering if i should go back to sleep.. feel asleep around 2, woke up 5:30ish feel a little tired

i gotta remember to blink more/close my eyes sometimes when looking at screens

[myittybittyconsciousness]

was walking back from gas station high, had just retrieved new lighter, was ready to cross the street, kinda “lost” in thought, hyperfocused on one side of the street, didn’t even look at the other side til i started to cross; luckily it was a double yellow line area and i walked down a bit to where it widened into an island, no trouble- probably spooked the drivers lol, one was a bus driver of a short yellow one.

i don’t like this or that it happened. i handled it very well and with minimal fear/hesitation any of that, but i don’t like that it happened in the first place. i love the idea of having that hyperfocus but at what cost? i am learning a sort of feeling-based hyperfocus for music, and i wonder if opening myself up to that level of freedom of thought (read allocation of energy) ive also opened myself up to a distractionless process? distraction is a very important part of exogenous attention, so like, if i lose that, or have moments where it’s gone, i could be fucked right? driving, daydreaming, miss something important.. I don’t like this so i wanna do something about it. i got one of those kinda weird out there somewhat subtle ideas, like there could be a part of myself that could be devoted to paying more attention to shit while i am in this hyperfocus, but i don’t know what it is exactly (other than a kinda faded image from “right field”) nor how it works but i think im going to give it a little investigation today, also gonna smoke more. guitar playing is  getting better, i am picking up more subtle things about my rhythm and playing and stuff, exciting times,

with love,

-fucked!

[myittybittyconsciousness]

6-17-17

ariana’s->alf bein kinda useless->watching over the food->her friends arrive->we leave, see her and a friend hit by a car, bloodied, friends across the street/walking away->perro doesn’t wanna help but i do->gas station, dude steals $5 in change (leprechaun?), the chase (i go the wrong way and into two backyards before coming back to the station and seeing him)->we both have big grins, the chase soon ends, he leaves me a 20. alf->pate we’re in the gas station cuz i wanted to split the 20 in half 10ea->tiny drink selection->interesting musical instrument selection->talk to old lady at counter->pate leaves after a time->im looking at music stuff but feel its unrealistic (price mostly)->she and i talk a little and i borrow an acoustic to show my style->she says my success is in my ears, i say im glad to hear she thinks that too (last night i recorded some sample of stoned playing, it’s in the work folder dated 6/17/17, i *hear* what im going for and i know i can achieve it or better)->she recommends a modified style of throat singing (i wake up thinking about it)!!->she also says something about my friends not supporting my musical thing but i didn’t too well connect with that, like i get it, but eh we’ll see old lady of my “unconscious” mind->she says she’ll see me again on my wedding day/night and i say maybe sooner?? (i wake up like maybe im not getting married though i mean shit)

interesting dream. am i hypo-manic or something? the increase in energy, the things taking me down less, me handling being really high pretty damn well/staying in the moment more than usual. me reaching out to rami showing basic technique, my own technique vastly improving, and of course the “big” moment while high in which i saw my pain and self quite differently--the moment yesterday of removing myself from *outerspace* (disassociative pain?)

written stream of consciousness like my music style when i let it be. right hand hurts, shouldn’t play video games but i will

i thank me for taking the time and showing myself wisdom and love. we’ll see how i proceed

looking for work, need cash.

[myittybittyconsciousness]

i knowingly committed a dishonest/immoral act. the reward seemed worth it. i can undo it now, but i have no plans to do such. thus i send myself to hell (guilt/negative self perceptions) i realize/feel like i could just not feel bad if i wanted to. i keep feeling bad around because it seems important, but already things have *shifted*->realization--> i need to feel bad in order to be good. that sounds like old raised up in christian reasoning me. my newish worldview is a lot more.. open.. rather, it’s more of a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  shit happens kinda way of viewing things, a lot less serious (i’m growing a lot less serious i think. or at least less serious about my seriousness) a shit happens kinda way of viewing things, but also a bit about personal responsibility and at least making a genuine effort not to be shitty. it’s going okay so far, the not being shitty part. i think. oh yeah. how does that differ from needing to feel bad to feel good.. ideally a sense of responsibility and some sort of love toward others would guide me; i would still feel bad, cuz how else do you know what not to do and shit, but it would be.. different.. if any of this makes sense.

well either way. writing this could’ve alleviated some guilt but i prevented that from happening.. but i don’t plan on changing my decision (doing the right thing) so what would be the point of hanging onto the guilt? similarly, vows to *make it right* would be misguided, the only way to make it right is to not do it, which i plan on doing it anyway. not so much a moral dilemma but more like i made a choice and i.. y’know.

small voice in my head: what if i become a teacher? how could i teach good shit if i don’t actually do good shit. maybe im taking it too far over this one act, wasn’t even that big a thing. any wrongful act though is huge eh?

rambles.

i haven’t changed my mind. hope the thing is worth it (right now me believes it will be definitely)

[myittybittyconsciousness]

That funky connection between the  considerations of. Hmph I seem to have temporarily forgotten. So it goes.

Might've met a colab artist with the same mindset so that's cool we'll see.

Was a bit more free open idk think I was manipulative I'm.. eh we'll see. Live learn grow, that kinda thinking. Umm.. I think I'm starting to remember thing. Went to pee oh yeah might've been crazy for a while maybe still am haha perspective dependent is life. I think Swype has adjusted to my typos. Incredible.

Anyway what sparked the bed for this past is..sonna  bitch man! It was this thought I had on salvia.. uuugh and connected/associated with one on mushrooms oh there were two big ones tonight actually. As well as plenty of inner turmoil about decisions related to A. Maybe I'm a jerk, maybe I'm just like the others. Pretty sure I told him that long ago and yet.. eh. Well anyway. Also drunk kung fu day mother fucker let's get it.

Will reflect on important thoughts and events and Y'know

[myittybittyconsciousness]

copied from a reddit post i just authored

Okay so I saw this youtube vid a while ago, that explained how you could change your eye color, by altering your DNA, by really concentrating. I'm sure there will be mixed reactions; some might be like "YEAH! YOU TOTALLY CAN!" Others, "No that's impossible and dumb," and everyone in-between.

Some people claim you can change your eye color by focusing on it, wanting to. Some people claim this is impossible.

Some people claim that one can move objects with their mind. Some people claim this is impossible.

Some members of our species claim to be able to feel their own brain.

Some people report feeling tingles up and down their spine.

I heard a yogi was once documented in stopping his own heart.

I've heard that there are some people who can flex the tiniest muscle in their back, by itself.

Some people claim to see a lot more colors than the average person. Some people claim this is not the case. Others are starting to investigate the possibility that this claim holds merit.

Some people claim to see fewer colors than others. There has been a decent amount of research into this area. The consensus is it is a thing, and recent technology has provided "relief" for this condition.

Some people claim to be able to astroproject. Some people claim this is all only in the mind. Some people claim differently.

Some people claim to be able to spontaneously produce goosebumps (piloerection). This has been documented.

Some people claim to be able to calm themselves down. This is documented.

I've heard that some members of our species have expired due to spontaneous combustion

Some members of our species claim to be able to induce orgasm by thinking about it, wanting to. This is documented.

I heard that one member of our species was deaf, but was a musical genius. There's probably more than one.

--Some members of our species think, or are able to think in a similar fashion to the author of this thread, and can appreciate the thought process that is being used for this topic, human capabilities.--

I heard that one member of our species recited pi up to "67,890 digits in 24 hours and 7 minutes in 2005." Shit's documented, and shit's crazy.

I heard that one member of our species can learn a language in about a week. Same member of our species is a math savant, and experiences synesthesia.

I heard that some people can experience synesthesia. There is more than one form and type of it too!

I saw a documentary where-in-which a member of our species did not record any numbers in its cellphone, because it was unnecessary; this creature had memorized all of the phone numbers.

I saw this one guy on T.V. that could spell words backward, very quickly, easily.

I heard that some members of our species, perhaps as much as a thousand years ago, probably more, had competitions testing memory, developed methods to remember things more easily. If I am not mistaken, the method of Loci may have come from that era (also known as a memory palace).

Some people claim to be lucid in their sleep.

Some members of our species claim to be able to recite a song after only hearing it once. This is documented with a piano player, musical savant.

Some members of our species do not appear to have the cognitive capabilities of others (a normal, or average is assumed). Some of members of this subcategory have trouble functioning in a day-to-day life setting, and/or have trouble performing tasks that would be required in a "normal" life. (Normal is subject to cultural, and/or religious bias; in this case it is meant as the way an "average" citizen of my home country, the U.S.A., is viewed/constructed: a tax paying, self-sufficient individual.") It is widely accepted that the best, most compassionate thing to do for these individuals is to look out for them. Some members of our species disagree.

Some members of our species appear to have tremendous cognitive capabilities (a normal or average is assumed). Most of us look up to these people for leadership, inventions, entertainment, genius. If you note any similarity at all between this section and the previous section, well... Well. I hope that some of these creatures with superior cognitive skills are benevolent, for the sake of the rest of us. Someday this may include AI. This is in the works.

(*) I believe these can greatly assist in certain cognitive capabilities. Some members of our species appear to be highly capable in social situations. Others are not.

Some members of our species claim to be very attuned to the feelings of other people. This is likely documented. Haven't bothered checking, didn't feel the need to.

I heard there was a person who was able to read two pages at the same time, one with each eye.

Some members of our species claim to be able to imagine,

Some members of our species claim to be able to contemplate with more than one internal monologue, a subset of these can do multiple inner monologues simultaneously (for some members of our species this appears to be very detrimental to their capabilities).

I heard that some people can experience synesthesia. There is more than one form and type of it too!

Some members of our species claim to be able to imagine (see in their mind) three dimensional objects, and rotate them. others still can add on and take off things to the imagined object, or otherwise alter it.

I heard some members of our species are able to remember up to a 97% detail about the occurrences of their life. Something like that. Feel free to look it up, correct me in comments if necessary, I'll update.

Some members of our species claim to have elaborate revelations in their dreams.

Some members of our species claim to be able to imagine vivid imagery, and later produce it in a drawing or a painting.

Some people claim to be able to produce music with their imagination (hear and construct a pattern of sounds with a melody).

Some people claim to be able to reproduce smells or tastes via this same mechanism of imagination (meant as mental phenomena produced unrelated to current physical environment)/memory/recall.

Some people claim to be able to reproduce the feelings of physical touch via imagination/memory/recall.

Some people claim to be able to remember long passages, verbatim. This is documented.

I claim to be a member of our species with a knack for analyzing the thought process of other members of our species that I come into contact with.

(*) I believe these greatly assist in cognitive capability.

I heard this one guy ran a 100 meter dash at 27.8 MPH, setting a world record.

I heard some people are born with both male and female genitalia. I heard some people are born with ambiguous genitalia.

As I understand it, some members of our species are born with one sex assigned at birth, but do not feel that they are truly that sex, thus originated the difference between sex and gender identity. As it appears, both sex identified at birth, and gender identity are a spectrum, as one might expect of a biological entity.

It seems that some people are heterosexual, whereas others might be homosexual, polysexual, pansexual, demisexual, asexual, and many other different documented types of sexualities, as well as undocumented.

It seems that some people are born without the ability to see, others hear, others walk under their own power, others still are born without limbs.

Some members of our species are born at or around the same time from their parent. A subset of these members have identical DNA. Some are also born conjoined.

I've noticed some people smell good. Others, not so much for me. :) a little humor as a break in this great text wall.

Some people seem to like to talk about anything. Others are more selective.

Some people appear have preferences for musical genres. Others have different ones.

I know some members of our species like to eat or otherwise imbibe psychoactive substances, for the purpose of changing their thinking or capabilities. A subset of these individuals have positive experiences, others negative. Some substances are more dangerous than others, in terms of health effects, mental and physical. Some members of our species may experience side affects or other negative attributes that others do not.

Members of our species appear to be all over the world. Thanks to modern technology, you can communicate with many of them.

Some people claim to be shamen, or otherwise imbued with spiritual power, knowledge, or capabilities. Some people claim they are not.

Some very clever members of our species have, in the past, created impressive lines of thought, perceptual cues, and other thought technology, that are followed, and/or employed by many members of our species today.

These are just some observed, talked about, documented, theorized human traits, qualities, and capabilities that I thought would be interesting to explore for this given topic. The topic is human capabilities, traits, as from a perspective of people as people (social), and an attempt at a more objective perspective (philosophical, scientific). It is up to the reader to investigate each topic, fact-check and reify as necessary. The point of the exercise is to entice the reader to perform the line of thinking that the author claims to be capable of, and claims is worthwhile; viewing human trains in this manner (possibilities that have occurred in the past) provides the thinker with a new, hopefully useful way of viewing the fellow members of their species.

I think that some types of thought patterns, thought-technology are limited in their usage in any given different area of thought. If humans are often seen in a binary-driven perspective, man or woman, rich or poor, friend or foe, these heuristics will prevent the thinker from seeing any nuances between the categories- the so-called, "grey area" between black and white. However, stopping at grey, when the color spectrum is so grand, one begins to explore free of this way of thinking. From there I claim there are many other ways of approaching a given situation, each with their own results. Find what works for you, continue to produce thought in the way that best fits your mind. For some situations, black and white, for others, feels bad but needs doing, red and purple apple sauce in December, "Oh yeah, I remember that because my aunt told me it when I was 9," by combining 英語と日本語 different languages in the same line of thinking in order to approach a situation from the perspective of another culture. Anything way you can think, act, behave, that produces your desired result is deemed "beneficial." However, make sure that this thought process, act, behavior, is the thing contributing to the benefit, and contains as little error and/or detriment as possible. Grow on, do great things.

-signed, a guy who seriously forgot how to spell "testicle," while he thought he was making a genitalia joke into something clever. Edited as little as possible, written via stream of conscious, after making the conscious decision to write some of my thoughts down.

[myittybittyconsciousness]

haven’t been writing here in a while

guess i haven’t really felt the need

which might be good?

might be bad?

haha

we’ll see. i guess.

october 2016- the 12th. i found the thing as i have before. but now it is different. and i keep finding it again and again. sometimes holding it while i do stuff. i think it helps me improve my performance

i keep putting off the deep-delving into. im scared, tired, don’t think i can manage, seem to fall out of it so quick. blll don’t really feel like trying. the usual problems, really. guess something has to change.

paraphrasing a quote i read earlier: “the beaches of hesitation are littered with bleached white bones of ‘i’ll do it tomorrows’“

[myittybittyconsciousness]

come out day just passed and looking over my sexual habits, i wonder if i am really bi-

which is funny if you know some of the sexual stuff ive gone through in the last 1.5 years. lots of questioning and unknowns and deletion/unearthing of internalized homophobia and shit like that

come out day just passed, and looking over my sexual habits/history, i wonder if i am really bi-

i mean only dick i’ve sucked is in a dream. and i think i was demonstrating to this lovely lady how i wanted mine sucked?? irl, i only kissed a boy, wasn’t a bad experienced, am interested in doing more. probably not with him though, there’s some stuff there. ai yai yai human relationships are bleeh sometimes. have definitely had crushes. male sexual energy is interesting. i kinda like it but i don’t know/not entirely sure what’s up. idk where i stand on being penetrated. im interested in being pegged, i have this one friend that showed me her strapon, and i was like oooh. arousal. but i am iffy about being penetrated by a man, so naturally i gotta investigate, is that more internalized homophobia bullshit? it doesn’t feel like it is. i don’t know. i think i should just let the heat of  the moment decide. that sounds right right now. obviously there’s more to man-man sex than penetration. no need in rushing. only discovered my attraction to males like 4 years ago? i think i should give it time to blossom. haha, considering im 26 and not even sure wtf about some stuff when it comes to women (or myself for that matter).

somewhere along the way in that paragraph^ “oh right. straight men probably don’t experience this huh..”

like anyone have those times when sex doesn’t even like .. ?? it makes 0 sense. wtf is even sex. sometimes im like that, other times it’s super obvious and all over the place.

meh. done writing, fucked out.

[purplebuddhaproject]

[postingwhileblack]

Two photos

1.Former Philadelphia Police Captain Ray Lewis Is standing with Protesters in #Ferguson against police brutality

 2.Here’s a picture of Lewis being arrested.

[myittybittyconsciousness]

experientially speaking:

the other day i had a brief moment where i was practicing japanese aloud, and focusing on my environment. I was walking down a suburban block it lasted 13 seconds, tops, and i was out of it without noticing, when i brought it back, i got like 5 seconds, and became tired. gotta work this muscle out. it’s easy to get lost in something, listening to music, focus on the music, lose your environment, is there a way to focus on the music, and keep information about your environment, while being conscious of it all?

[myittybittyconsciousness]

being affected by constant pain means something is wrong, something is going on, something you’d *ordinarily have, is unavailable to you. if the pain is in the brain/mind/experience, hereto referred as ‘psyche’, something that might ordinarily steer you right, may begin to steer you wrong. Your mental image of your surroundings could be inaccurate, you could be unable to tell the difference between sounds originating from your mind or your environment. These are an example of some of the possible afflictions that I’ve heard of. I can think of several options. My favorite: what if the ability to overlay thoughts/information with your typical experience could be developed? That sounds highly desirable to/for me; this represents the fastest style of thought I’d heard of. [Example: you detect **the mood in a room, you look around and there is a light blue mist in the air, particularly thick over one individual; you know who to talk to, to most quickly affect the moods of others in the room now. (Requires prior knowledge/understanding/ability to sense of/ moods) What if you followed the hours of the day, and could imagine a timer in your bottom right vision field? When you need to wake up, an alarm goes (it follows into your dreams) When you want to time something you just make the numbers red for the time passed. This requires you to already be a fairly good timer, I’m a musician, so of course I would imagine something like this] What I am getting at, is what if these abilities can be made useful? What if imagining a person that isn’t there could help you stay more cognizant of information/memories at a given moment?

I’ve noticed something about druqse/meditation: certain entheogens seem to show you what’s ahead on the path, that you would otherwise get to via meditation. Some show you way, way ahead. If you see too far ahead, part of you will stay there, but if you can’t keep up, you will become confused. You will have a piece of this, but still largely be at your old understanding. Entheogens do in a matter of minutes, what would take the experiencer considerably longer. Working from the bottom up is better, as it puts everything in its place as you go without skipping any steps- experiencing fun instead of pain is nice, but sometimes you need to work through pain to understand

[Tl:dr;] If a process is busted over time, an area of your brain lesioned, other parts of the brain will try to pick up the slack for what’s lost. In using entheogens, it is possible to see too much, distracting yourself form the necessary work

What if some of these inaccurate inputs people experience (e.g., a voice that isn’t really there) are errors from the brain trying to recoup on a loss, or perhaps, a person understanding one aspect of something/having one piece of something in place, but not others? In socially outcasting mentally ill people, we are likely making things worse. You seen pictures of what depression does to a body?

Side-note! Many cultures throughout the world view early stages of epilepsy, mental illness, anxiety, as a sign of being a shaman, connected to the spirit world. I think for mental illness, you have to be a bit on the inside for the experiences to take place; according to the “old way,” upon mastering yourself, you would be able to guide others through issues, a very external person might be living a certain way, and not even realize it; an internal person can help. Did I just call internal experience the spirit world? I think I did. Deal with it (it’s all real!).

Epilepsy.. I know little about. I’ve gotten really excited, and felt energy coursing through my body, twitching, bouncing my legs up and down, thoughts not completely clear, there were a lot of inputs at that time, I was having trouble holding it all together in that moment. Is that epilepsy? Probably something else. Significant overlap between some ailments. The old way, if epilepsy is a sign of being a shaman, why? Can some epileptic people, through any sort of practice, find some way to balance out? Receive a great amount of inputs, and remain steady? If so, I could see a person becoming very observant, in this manner. Enough conjecture for now.

*(considering changing word, as it leads to an understanding of human biology that relies on “typical” cases, which may be founded upon bodies unlike my own, or the reader’s-  some people are born without certain things many others are born with, some with more of these things than most other people are, I don’t want to discourage, some with “new” things - exciting thought..  but keeping it because pain implies something isn’t going right).

** picking up on the mood in a room is a real thing, and ive heard stories where twins can pick up one another’s mood from a great distance; thinking about it from the perspective of the body itself, being a large cell with many organelles, several different kinds of inputs from the environment, and so on, you begin to wonder about certain so-called “extra sensory” experiences- maybe it’s just an ordinary sense that most people aren’t using? Hard to say; generalizing does no good, case by case basis needed.

[myittybittyconsciousness]

it is time to start writing

after getting the urge to write my current experience, i finally began.

felasi kuti - water no enemy, view from space by muriel anderson, silence, occasional short break, more resin smoked

subject: auric body, began by googling, came with another one of those charts with the chakra system (i remember this one having 9) (i’m not as crazy as I thought persists) thought about “passive voice” and experience and the left hemisphere (and the idea of things coming through you/channeling), went on to search about it, eventually landed of neural correlates of consciousness wiki, physiological prematurity (thoughts about how this likely wasn’t always the case.. social increased with time, we’ve changed a lot dramatically and quickly.. hey kinda like how cells were before enveloping mitochondria.. what is it with me and biology/chemistry comparisons/pattern-searching? my views will likely greatly differ from the general scientific community, but what i am doing is not really science, it piggybacks off it though)

writing felt important and necessary. the more i document my experience, and hold my memories in place, the further i can work information, the clearer, and the better chance i have of getting *there*

ZOMBIE MODES and the idea that conscious interaction can interrupt them.. is it so? conscious って should interrupt, shouldn’t it? it should direct flow to the best possible things you can come up with, interrupting the nonsense- if your motivation is in place and everything is working “right” but i think socialって gets in the way of this quite heavily, at least for me. so people like me (everyone?) are deeply in this experience thing, and some stuff we learn from one another, social shit, is just plain bad for us-deeply related to the EGO post i read from thelazyyogi

i am disturbed by the pain in my right foot, a little by the left. i hear the screen. this morning after waking up before getting up i convinced myself to try meditating for a little, and i realized why pursue all these other methods when i was born with one? i activated the screen, knew what to do, now i am wondering why i ever bothered leaving it (OMG ASC IS HERE YESS!) Perhaps I can play with it for a bit. There is more to write, it can come later

[myittybittyconsciousness]

currently hearing: anaguma shamanic dream 2

have been listening to what i assume is native american based shaman music mostly for the past hour, nearing 2?

a little cannabis resin smoked (using matches, likely inhaled match stuffs many times over)

*followed a thread.*

put match out with my spit

googled why water extinguishes fire (explanation said water takes away the heat, decreasing the probability that the fuel will get hot enough to burn)

i was hopin’ for some cool molecular reaction or something, i don’t know. Really though, the heat exchange- it’s there if I am looking for it.

idea for my project: use water, combine it with something that helps it capture more ambient heat (become billionaire loool)

i wanted an atomic explanation, i googled h20 vs rapid oxidation (oxydation looks so much cooler) instead i landed on a yahoo question: “ Is co2   h2 = 2co   h2o a reduction or oxidation reaction and what is the oxidation number? “

           Best Answer:             CO2 + H2 = CO + H2O is a redox reaction CO2 + 2H+ + 2e- = CO + H2O is the reduction half-reaction in which C goes from oxidation number +4 to +2 H2+ H2O= H2O + 2H+ + 2e- is the oxidation half-reaction in which H goes from oxidation number 0 to +1 

i haven’t actually paid that much mind yet, i went on too look for a picture of a carbon atom, which lead to a googling about orbitals, i shied away from the mathematics element of it; it appears to me that the method for detection of electrons is at least part of why we have the wave/particle way of thought. a logic with more outcomes than yes or no wouldn’t produce such problems. the yes and no of a thing is contained within the same space. this is taught/learned early on, yet it took years for me to truly grasp

went onto electron configuration, once again shied from certain aspects (i guess my knowledge search is very specific to what i want) googled atoms fusing at some point, lead to the picture above, and this post

something else brought me to this post; the entire time i was reading/exploring i kept thinking about auric fields and human energies, as a likeness to electrons to an atom, like some kind of projected/exhibited/a balance in existence, the negative space around it. pulsing, moving. the picture above. i kept resisting the thought process, then stopped, finally. now i am deeper into it it many doubts still, but a lot of understanding arising very quickly as well. what if the brain/mind (though brain, cuz physical) and the “negative space” it projects can work similarly? or maybe even the body! (cell thought)

*reads electrons move individually* holy shit i gotta.. idk. im done with this thought process for now.

[myittybittyconsciousness]

it’s hard to feel like im not on a schedule or somehow experiencing the future abit

aside from the deja vu, and times where i explicitly told myself if something like this happens in the future, i will accept it as proof (which as happened twice)

it’s some of the little things. I made a small, very small shift the day before yesterday, i remember it, how it felt, and to an extent why is was important in the moment

last night i got a chance to use it and i think my heart grew a little bit

*slow smile forms, still feels pain though* and it was gratifying.

there’s so much i still don’t know