I am a 40 year old woman that doesn't have a lot of sexual experiences. I lost my virginity later in life (late compared to most) at 24 years old. I waited for a relationship but that turned out to be a huge mistake. I chose the wrong person, not the fact I waited for a relationship. He turned out to be abusive in every way. Unfortunately I was with him for years. Aside from the very beginning when he was so eager to be my first, sex was not a positive thing for me. I am not the type to cheat, even though part of me wish I was if I am honest, but I'm not. So I waited until I got away from him to try with someone else. I tried with 2 more people, both years apart. I was honest about my experiences and I don't know if it was a good or bad thing. I just had/have no sexual confidence and wanted to be upfront I guess. Those 2 short experiences did not go well. I am a bad picker when it comes to partners it seems. So...I gave up. I was celibate for almost 8 years. Just 3 weeks shy of 8 years to be exact. Then at the end of 2024 I met someone. It felt like an instant connection. We had a 24 hour date, talking about everything. I was honest with him as well. He really seemed to understand and wanted to take time to help me explore. The relationship lasted a year. He became a best friend. All was good, except for our sex life, it was almost non-existent. He seemed to want me to initiate all the time and when I did, it was one-sided. I did enjoy pleasing him but I wanted to feel it as well. I kinda felt like I was having to beg and that is not a good feeling for me. There was always a reason why he was having trouble with it. Fast forward, we end up breaking up for other reasons. Couple months have gone by and he reaches out. We talk. He finally tells me his reasons why he never wanted to be physical with me. In a nutshell, he blames being autistic and the fact I have pubic hair. I did trim for him during the relationship because it was mentioned in the past so I can't believe that is the entire reason. He gave a couple other trivial (in my opinion) reasons and I am just embarrassed at this point. Something about me is not appealing enough to be able to have a healthy, satisfying sex life. I am an open minded woman and was willing to try things to learn what I liked and l liked learning how to please the one I chose to give myself to in that way but it was never enough. I will be 41 soon and I give up. I am humiliated and back to feeling the shame that I felt from my abusive ex that took my virginity. I am not worthy of being touched. It is a depressing thought and I am just trying to finally accept it.
