My Life in Frames

I photograph to remember. This are the frames of my life.

[beckarmrz]

Come home.

Lets pretend is 2012 and im feeling sick.

Its my day off from work and my mom’s not home. Say you’re making me soup in my unused kitchen and bring me flowers you stole from one of my neighbors gardens.

Come and say you missed me.

Lay next to me on my mattress on the floor and whisper to my ear how much you love me. Tell me how beautiful you think i am despite my runny nose. Tell me about how you’ve been bragging to your friends about me lately.

Come and hold me, sing our songs to my ear as I fall asleep. Just hold me. I know you cant stay because my moms coming later and she’s always in a mood but... can you imagen when we grow up and have a place of our own?

Waking up every day together, to your stinky feet and my burned quedadillas... maybe we’ll even get a dog.

Come home, pretend is 2012 and you wanted me enough to stay. Let’s play pretend.

[beckarmrz]

9 years ago today, we kissed for the very first time.

I remember spendig the entire night waiting for him to make a move but he didn’t until I dropped him off at his place after walking on the beach almost ‘till midnight.

We saw 3 shooting stars and thousands of fireworks from far away that night.

We shared what now seems like an entire life together after that and yet, somehow... 9 years later im just the idiot who swore to love him forever even after he’s gone.

[beckarmrz]

The love that remains.

[myjournalinframes]

I carry you with me, I carry you IN me.

Siempre.

[myjournalinframes]

October 5th, 2014.

He came to pick me up at work and said he wanted to take me on a date so we went to the movies, it was one of those cold nights that no one is expecting and keep progressing over night… I was cold and he kept taking my hand and rubbing my arms so I wouldn’t freeze to death.

There was this stupid commercial where Pepsi implied that you shouldn’t settle with having one girl when you could have a bunch and I just punched him as a joke.

He spent the entire movie with his hand in mine and kept giving me random kisses in the cheeks and forehead and all I could think about is that I couldn’t believe it was us there… it was us all over again. WE were there.

When it ended, we went back home fooled around and he kept hugging me and kissing me as if he was giving me everything he’d missed over time. He spooned me and said “finally” and asked what? and he said “this was all I needed” he kept telling me how much he loved me and loved being there with me.

So, I took courage… Can I ask you something?, he said sure. “When you hold my hand, when you hug me, caress me, kiss me… are you just doing it, or doing it to me? are you really holding and kissing ME? or is it just a transition from hand to hand and lips to lips, same thing different person.”

At what he answered that he was with me. That things never feel the same. That things had always felt RIGHT with me, and that’s where he wanted to be.

After that, he fell asleep and every time he felt me moving around because I couldn’t sleep he apologized for being so tired and said that it was my bed’s fault. That he’s never as comfortable as when he’s there with me. That he just feels safe and at home and so, he lets go.

My anxiety kept getting worse and I couldn’t calm my mind… I was so afraid to scare him off but I kept waking him up to ask him questions and tell him how much i loved him.

He just kept repeating that he loved me too, very very much.

I told him I was really scared of everything, of us, of what could happened and he said that he understood because of everything shitty he ever did, but that he was going to do everything in his power to show me I could trust him.

So I asked for how long… he replied "for as long as it takes"

Then he said that, for example, when we were at the movies and saw the commercial, all he was thinking about was “no… I won’t do that to her, I know what life has been without her and I can’t lose her again”

I told him that it didn’t matter how many people had been in my life in this lapse we were apart, that he had always been the one. He was my only one. And I asked if he thinks he could ever fall in love with me again and he just said “more?… of course, love”

He cuddled with me trying to calm my anxiety and kept caressing my cheeks and telling me he loved me and hugging me and pulling me closer to him. Saying “I’m here” every time I couldn’t breath well.

It was one of those cold nights that no one is expecting… and I found the men I’d fell in love with years ago.

[myjournalinframes]

[myjournalinframes]

[myjournalinframes]

The girl who lost things.

I lost my best friend when you walked through the door.

I lost my car when it broke and couldn't afford to fix it anymore. I lost the things I once thought I believed about love when you never wondered if we were ok.

I lost my girl when her little heart broke. I lost her smile when summer ended.

I lost my job.

I lost my reflection when he didn't turn around to see me and my voice when he refused to hear me. Hope, when I couldn't pick myself up anymore.

I lost sleep when I couldn't handle all the nightmares. I lost my strength trying to forget.

I lost faith when they all pretended to never have known me. I lost the stars, an ocean, our tomorrows and my past.

Lost the love of my life, my self, my happy little girl.

[myjournalinframes]

For the day you start to forget.

Listen to For the day you start to forget. by whosbecka #np on #SoundCloud

I hope this reaches you in time.

[myjournalinframes]

Fall.

I had been having bad "fibro" symptoms that day since early morning but as always, I tried to ignore them and walked to and back from work. Later that afternoon my mom called me to ask me to lunch and so I said I was going to wait for her in the corner, grabbed my things and left home.

Just as many other times, I got really dizzy as I started to walk down the concrete stairs outside and everything started spinning. I tried to grab on to something but missed and in my stupidity, I reached back for your hand to catch me like I always did, except his time you weren't there... and for the first time, I fell.

My jeans tore completely on the right leg leaving a couple of wounds and large scratches in my calf, not to mention the large bruises on both my legs, my entire left side, my arms and another cut in my hip and back. I landed in the last step of the stairs and I only saved my face by putting in my hand that I still can't move much.

I crawled myself up and sat there alone, trying to breathe in, not sure if I was going to cry or throw up because of the pain.

Eventually my mom arrived, asked me what happened and if I needed to go to the doctors, which I did... but since I had absolutely no money at the moment, I just said no and did my best to swallow the pain and keep breathing deeply throughout lunch, that of course, I ended up throwing up as soon as I got back home.

I took a bunch on painkillers I found and went to bed.

The next morning my body had cooled off and I could feel EVERY single bruise, cut and impact in my body. I had never in my life been in so much pain. It took me two hours to manage to get up and get dressed... and again, had to walk to work and cry the pain a little just to make it there and back.

Ollie kept barking at me for days to get up and I couldn't even move, all I could do was try and breathe through the pain just praying to fall asleep so I could stop thinking that all I wanted, needed, was to be held.

[myjournalinframes]

Ollie.

I have talked to Ollie at least 2 times a week since you left and I'm afraid she's too much of a naive loving soul to ever let you go.

Meaning that as I patch up my life, I'm very much aware I am also nursing her fragile little-broken heart. 

My sweet girl is lost. She has peed herself while getting scared 3 times, I sleep in the living room floor or couch with her at least once a week so she's not lonely when she waits and I've heard her cry in her sleep harder than ever.

Anytime I go to the bathroom or leave the room for a second, she crawls to the back of the closet and hides until I convince her to come out, she has shattered a lot of my clothes, she carries her little ball everywhere but doesn't wanna play with me and she's barely eating which makes her tired.

I cannot be mad at her for misbehaving, I cannot mend her little heart, I cannot explain to her that she'll be alright.

She's lost... she lost her support system, her playdate, her dad.

Any night I'm not sleeping in the living room, I go to bed alone, to that big empty bed by myself and when I wake up between 3 and 4 am she's still not with me... it's only when I get up to go to work that I have this sense of something touching my back and the first weeks I got confused thinking it was you because that's how your leg touching me felt like but eventually, I figured out she only laid so close to me because she was leaving "your" side empty, meaning that even in sunrise when she stops waiting by the door, she still waits for you in bed.

One day I remembered that time after my dad left, I kept a picture of him next to my bed just to have something to hold on to, a little memory of the person he once was and my mom took it away saying I was only hugging a piece of paper... and every time I see ollie sitting by the door and feel the need to carry her back to the room and force her to stay there, I think about that and how I can't do the same thing to her.

So, with that in mind, when I got home I tapped a little picture of you two to the side of your bedside table, and now after she finally gives up at night and comes to bed, I find her little back like I used to find yours and my heart breaks a little knowing she fell asleep looking at a picture of the family we most likely never be again, but at least she doesn't cry as much when she falls asleep anymore.

All I can think about is god I hope you have finally found the happiness you were looking for so that all of this at the end was worth it to you.

Maybe not seeing her again and not knowing any of this helps you move on... but I wonder what would help my little girl now? will she ever give up? will she wait forever? will she be truly happy again? will I?

Some people can't afford to be selfish because when there's a little heartbroken soul sleeping next to the door... all I can do is sit next to her and hold her and tell her I'm here for her over and over again and I'm stuck with no idea how to help her other than loving her twice as much.

I've had her out with me pretty much every day, and of course, seeing people or other pups distracts her and she plays around a little and thank god the weather has been hot so I can see her smile even if it's just because of it, then again... as soon as we're home again she gets sad.

In one of our talks I remember trying to explain to her that some people just leave and move on without having nothing to do with you (her)... and for the first time I saw her cry, not in a sound, not like a dog, but her actual sad little eyes filled with tears and I held her close and took her picture to never forget how fragile her little heart is and how I have to always put my selfishness aside and everything I feel to hold her tight and hope one day she'll be alright.

It is horrible how life always comes around to repeat history when you least expect it. Just like I once had to explain a 4-year-old toddler, now I have to explain my 4-year-old dogther "I'm here, I'll take care of you... Dad's not coming back, but I'll always be here for you"... as I hope one day they'll stop waiting by the door.

I really, really, from the bottom of my heart hope you finally found the happiness  our littlle home couldn’t give you.

We almost made it little girl, we almost had it all.

[beckarmrz]

Sundays 🐶💕 (at El Pan Nuestro Express)

[myjournalinframes]

It takes a certain kind of magic, a series of factors to align.

The forecast of rain even though you never see a drop. Cold air running through the plants around me, the sound of the leaves brushing each other and a remote smell of a fresh pot of coffee.

That's it. My heart is on the edge waiting for her to arrive.

And as I try to stop my hands from shaking a little bird taps my window... and it's her.

Hi, grandma.

[beckarmrz]

You should totally buy this because *woof*!💕 . . . . #sadeyesollie #chihuahuaretriever #chihuahua #puppy #onlychihuahuas #dogs #dogofinstagram #dogsinstagram #goldenpuppies #goldenpuppy #dogscorner #worldofcutepets #cutepetclub #dogeaze #bestwoof #dogboolove #awdogs #topdogsofinstagram #dog #dogsofinstagram #puppylove #puppyeyes #bestwoof #buzzfeedanimals #excellent_dogs #weeklyfluff #barkpost #dogofthedayjp #puppylove (at Domingos de Diseño del Centro Cultural Tijuana)

[myjournalinframes]

[myjournalinframes]

[myjournalinframes]

My portrait by her.

Nov, 2016