Wondering if I should come back here after so long. I remember during my heyday here like ten years ago, I felt like some sort of microcelebrity because I had a few thousand followers - I think social media notoriety was in its infancy then, now basically everyone is some sort of “internet famous” it feels like. The idea of every person being a public figure is kind of terrifying to me, and I’m at a point in my life where I’ve gone from saying “Look at me, look at me, look at me!” to “Leave me be.” Which I suppose has its ups and downs - I don’t really feel the need to share every thought I have with the world, which I guess is healthy to an extent, but I do sometimes miss being a part of the world - and make no mistake, a lot of the world does feel like it lives online now, especially in the last year or two.
Tumblr feels like the only place that’s not destroying people’s sense of self worth (Instagram) or, you know, destroying democracy and destabilizing world governments. I actually still look at my dashboard each day and it’s a nice escape from the reality in other platforms. Maybe it is better to keep your social media intake limited to various jokes and memes and pictures of Timothée Chalamet’s feet.
My 2020-21 was tumultuous, not as much as some people’s but probably more than others. I (temporarily) lost my job. I no longer speak to my closest friend. More significantly, my dad died six months ago, which was probably more traumatizing than I like to let on. One of the last things he said to me was “I want to die” and I didn’t know what else to say so I said “It’ll be soon, don’t worry.” I helped change his diapers and was there at the very end. I saw things it might not have been mentally healthy to see but I still feel it was important to see them.
Lately I’ve been feeling old for the first time in my life. My age is on my profile description, but it’s my age in 2017 so it’s like encased in amber. Forever 28. But nah, I’m 32 going on 33. It feels like I was 20 just yesterday. And I know it’s just going to be faster and faster from here on out, just like they tell you. But you never really believe it until you experience it, you just imagine you’ll be 20 forever.
I struggle with my self esteem, more than I did when I was posting a lot here. I felt lost in sex addiction for a while, now I mostly don’t look for sex at all. I suppose there are bigger things in life. I both fear and crave real emotional intimacy. I’ll spill my guts out to a stranger on a dating app but feel terrified if they want to meet in person.
I’m embarrassed of some of the things I wrote here in the past, the way I craved attention and approval. The times I was needlessly cruel to people just to get a laugh. But I suppose if you’re the same person at 32 that you were at 20 you’re doing something wrong. I feel more secure and mature in some ways. In other ways I still feel like a scared little boy.
I looked at my follower count just now and it’s, strangely enough, about the same as when I made my last post. Maybe it’s just a lot of inactive accounts. Maybe some of you will get a push notification that I’ve posted for the first time in a while and you’ll be like “Who the fuck is that.” Which is okay. Maybe it’s good even.
Thank you for reading. To my friends and strangers on here, thank you for being a part of my little life. Hope to speak to you again soon.
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