MY LIFE AS MILLS

California dreamin'

[mylifeasmills]

Nothings impossible.. but some shit be feelin like it.

9:53pm on a Tuesday afternoon, and there’s 10,000 things on my mind. Where to start is the most puzzling question at this moment. Do we go Love? Do we go finances? Do we go in tha room, turn the lights out and not discuss any of this shit at all? Na… too easy. Only thing I’ve ever really known how to be in my writing is transparent. The walls seem to be closing in. This shit might feel like a group of random thoughts.. and it kinda is, but stay with me. I didn’t intend to come here and be super poetic or introspective tonight (although one might call this introspection). That isn’t what my heart is telling me to do. Just tryna get some shit off that has been extremely heavy. Fuck it, let’s go love first. It puzzles me sometimes that though I’ve fucked with hella women in my lifetime, I’m left with no one. And it’s not to say that any of them were MY one… it’s more so realizing that throughout the years, I’ve failed to choose love properly. Like what the fuck? Nobody? Even though I wouldn’t consider myself to be too old at the age of 37, it’s feels like it’s too late. It just FEELS like it. Can you feel it too? Love doesn’t feel as magical as it once did. As of late, tha Love stories are usually followed by tales of infidelity. Am I trippin? I feel like most of us are suffocating in a cloud of unrealistic expectations. I no longer feel like I can go to the corner store and run into the love of my life. Instagrams have replaced phone #’s. Ran into a bad lil joint a few weeks ago. Of course, I’m already programmed to ask for her handle cause it just feels a little less invasive. Rush home to see what’s goin on with shorty, and it’s exactly what I feared. She’s an influencer. 12,000 followers, following 900. I don’t bother. Idk man. One of my dreams was to have a loving wife, and a house full of love. I think I might’ve fucked that up way earlier than I realize chat. Shit just doesn’t feel the same anymore. I’m afraid I just can’t connect. One more thing before I go. I’m not sure what I want anymore. The things I once loved don’t seem to mean as much. I wonder what changed? I’m always daydreaming about exploring other shit. Sometimes it leaves me feeling lost. Some of the things I once loved became my identity. Now that the mask is halfway off, who will I be when it falls completely? Sometimes I get emotional, because I understand my gifts, and I never believed that there would ever possibly be a world in which my gifts didn’t reach the masses. That’s when I have to remind myself.. a star is still a star, even when it’s behind a cloud. It’s discouraging when I look over the course of my life, and realize maybe.. just MAYBE.. I mishandled some of the most important parts.

[mylifeasmills]

Decor explained.

I find myself worrying more often than not. Trying to understand why my life is mine. Trying to uncover gratefulness under all this grief. Trying to figure out where I went wrong. What special quality did God accidentally forget to slip in the concoction that was used to create me? Trying to appreciate the blessings I’ve received instead of overlook them. Usually we’d be giving you shit like “75 at midnight” around this time of year. You kno.. tha summer bops. But although the pictures painted on this album are bright and colorful, to me, it feels as if tha winter never left. These decorations could fill up any dwelling. I hope that the people out there having trouble with pictures placement, find some direction through these songs. Or even find out that they aren’t the only ones that find it difficult to put shit in the proper places at times. Life is a process. I touch on subjects like hating every job you get, alcoholism, feeling like you’re not worthy of love, and tussling with thoughts of not becoming who or what you thought you would before your time is up. Sometimes you can figure out exactly who a person is by stepping into their home and glancing at their decor. I present to you mine. Some of the pictures aren’t the prettiest, but I truly believe that’s what makes them beautiful. Unique In their own way.

[mylifeasmills]

The art of stealing a girls heart.

There’s a certain beauty in the chase. Learning the perfect words to match yo verbs. Being able to infiltrate that guard that’s been up for months. Knowing which direction to go. Yo daddy was a smoove mufucka, and you were born wit tha proper programmin. You like a chameleon how you can fix your emotional state to blend so perfectly. You know how to make her feel like you need her. But you also know how to make her feel like you don’t want her, even if both are completely the opposite. Running through women, finding all the loopholes of love. You know that one kiss can lock her in. At least temporarily. It’s something about getting a “I ain’t heard from you” text. It’s soul food for your ego. You love how it feels to be wanted, so you study it. You love it so much that one is no longer enough. It’s validation. You paint vivid depictions of the love that you never truly longed for in the minds of unsuspecting girls. You’ve heard the dreams of so many women that you’ve taken elements from each one to create the perfect scene. You know that most women want love more than they wanna be smart. Beautiful thang how well you manage tha game. You like Mike, game tied, tongue out, drivin through the lane. School might be something that could never keep your attention. Shit, maybe you always shied away from topics in which you NEEDED to be heard. But anytime it’s pussy involved, you find the perfect words.

[mylifeasmills]

If you wanna be somebody..

I hope that all the people close to me got here. I hope that all the people who support and admire my views came through as well. To get straight to it, Im a new nigga (person). I say this because Im separating myself from all things that serve me no positive purpose in life. And this time Im standing on it. Why? Its bigger than me now. I been fighting for years to get some kind of understanding. So many times I wanted to blame everybody else for my own storm of shit. I wondered so many nights what the problem was. Im not sure how it never dawned on me walking past the mirror. Whole time I’ve been my own worst enemy. Subconsciously answering all of my own questions, just to ignore them and make the mistake I could’ve avoided. For years, Ive surrounded myself with people that were spiraling just like myself. Maybe different situations, but the same attitudes. Ive listened to peoples problems and walked away knowing that they were to blame. But I never had the gall to tell them so. Instead I was enabling them which makes me realize that this sword has two edges. Im just as good for them as they are for me. Ive been lost. But its almost like Ive chosen to be. I sat around and drank my early 30’s away, when I shoulda been BECOMING. All yall out there that told me yall believed in me.. told me I was destined to be a star.. Yall were fucking right. But when cant nobody stop you, guess who can stop you. I owe an apology to my devoted supporters. I took your words, your well wishes, your money.. and I invested it into failure. Whats making a couple hundred dollars off your art if you just gon blow tha shit on Liquor. Whats sitting through a conversation about your greatness, If the words are only fuel for you to belittle others. You aint shit.. just yet. Sometimes it takes going to the rock bottom.. and I mean ROCK BOTTOM to begin to realize that nothing was ever guaranteed. Our greats didn’t become great just because they were good at what they did. They became great because they realized early that they had to protect their dreams. They learned to sacrifice. They learned patience. You think Mike (any one of em) was sittin around gettin fucked up 24/7 when they were chasing their dreams? Denzel? Spike Lee? Na. Its been a long hard fight with self doubt, alcoholism, and fornication. Alcoholism being tha demon that held them all together. It cant have me no more. Im not sure what God has in store for me. Im not sure if Ive f**ked it up yet. But I am sure that I won’t allow that toxicity to keep me away from what’s coming my way movin forward. Im grateful to be here to tell you about some of what Ive been learning from experience these last couple years. And I hope that I inspire you in some kind of way. That part of my journey is complete and Im happy to be stepping into a brighter space. If I ever did anything to offend any of you in these past couple Years, take it light on me. I was prob drunk. Wont happen again.

[mylifeasmills]

Yerrr.

[mylifeasmills]

HEADED NOWHERE. Fast.

This can’t be real. As I sit on the counter at this part time job that I signed up for, I see people walking past the glass. Every person passing, I stare at them and wonder what’s keeping them alive. What kind of car do they drive? Him, he looks like one of those ones that will tell you he’s pullin 75K a year if you asked em. How the fuck did you manage? Even tho I’ve had the same opportunities as most of these people walking past this window, I can’t help but believe that I took one too many shortcuts in my life. I see more people pass. I see a pretty ass, brown skinned woman. No kids. No family. Just bags. This life has left me without anything to say. Assuming that every woman I’ll cross will only be moved by materials. Only be wowed by dollars. These days it’s hard. These days there isn’t a day where I don’t worry. I find it hard to concentrate on this text, with all the voices circulating in my mind. Each one wants to control this piece. One wants to express how it doesn’t feel like it is enough. How no matter the love inside of its heart, or the passion flowing through its veins, it will always be measured by its fortunes. Drives itself crazy trying to figure out how to make enough money to simply be accepted. Loved. Another is a dreamer. It believes that there is a place for it. It truly believes that there isn’t a being on this planet that could duplicate its energy. Feels as though if it could just put its whole soul into being a creative, there would be no denying it. But then, there’s the voice that refutes it. I feel stuck. I feel like my feet have cement blocks attached. Sometimes I feel like even when I walk, I stand still. I feel like crying. I feel frustrated. I feel like no amount of liquor can ease this shit. I feel like no amount of pussy can make me feel secure. I feel like if I continue to beat myself up daily, I’ll eventually knock myself out.

[ratednoire]

[mylifeasmills]

Black women. I adore..

[mylifeasmills]

Is it the weather?

I’m tired of being down. I’m super tired of feeling stuck. Tired of not being financially fit. Tired of not being able to take advantage of life while I have it. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced happiness, I’m not sure what makes me happy anymore. Tired of making bad decisions. Mentally, it feels like prison sometimes. You’d think the things that I’m naming are easy fixes. But sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Your own road block. I’m tired of being afraid. Tired of under reacting. Tired of over reacting. I just wanna be free. I want better. I want different. I want a clear mind. A clean heart. I want to rid my heart of all resentment. I’m callin Gods name, but I’m not sure if he hears me.

[moodsandmatters]

[mylifeasmills]

I been grinding for a long ass time. Me and my best homie (my producer). We just dropped what we truly feel is the album of the year.

THE RALEIGH SESSIONS.

The Raleigh Sessions. | Linktree

Linktree. Make your link do more.

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

your future self loves you. they will look through old photos of you with affection, not disgust, nor embarrassment. they wish they could tell you stories of your future, of how much you’ll change, of the people you’ll meet, of how you’ll eventually learn to accept yourself, then love yourself. they will read your diary entries and poems and favourite lyrics, heart aching, tears in their eyes. if only you knew...

your future self loves you. if only they could show you. they are living proof. you’ll turn out okay after all. they wish they were there to console you, dance with you, and make you write it a hundred times: “I AM LOVED”. they will listen to playlists you made, just to experience you again. they will write you a letter - of forgiveness, longing, reassurance. you will never read it. but you will know.

[mylifeasmills]

I went 30 days with no alcohol. And I wrote about it.

On June 19th I decided it was time for a lil break from the bottle. I ain’t feel like I was an alcoholic or no shit like that.. I just didn’t like the fact that I was seemingly going in circles. Bad decisions were being repeated, and the common denominator was alcohol. Although, as I said before, I wasnt on no sun up to sundown alcoholic shit, I can definitely agree that alcohol was usually included somewhere in my schedule. I remember I used to be the nigga that would take a drink at a party as if I was gon actually sip it, and sneak off and pour it in the sink. Times seemed Much simpler then. So I went on a journey. A 30 day, non-alcoholic one. This what I got from it. My mental is clear. In the last 30 days, I haven’t made one decision that I regret. All the bad that has happened was simply out of my control. Everything I have said, I have meant. That’s the second best part about this journey to me. Well.. maybe tied for first. Another great thing was finding myself without tha alcohol. I had gotten to a point where I needed alcohol to cope with a lot of shit. Well… I won’t say needed… But it helped. When I could, I would consume that shit. Simple things like… Chatting with friends and fam, going to parties (kid or adult), talking to girls… I didn’t want to do without a drink. My feelings. My emotions. I gave it all to the bottle. And 99% of the time, that bottle caused me to completely mishandle situations. You sober up and realize the damage, and drink again later that night to escape it. These 30 days have allowed me to feel again. Drinking so much had me putting on faces that I really didn’t want to wear. I’m learning to be real with myself again. Be genuine. Know and understand my likes and dislikes. Another benefit was the health. The first 10 days of no alcohol, I dropped 10 pounds that I had been desperately trying to get rid of. I was trying everything to drop some fat. Had no clue all I had to do was put the brew down for a lil bit. I feel lighter. I feel stronger. The downside of 30 days no alcohol? Being more aware. It’s a plus for sure, but at the same time some of your Dopest nights do come from being oblivious to shit. Trying to hang with tha homies at the bar was tough. You see everything. You notice everything. Those drunken conversations that would usually hold you for 45 minutes annoy tf out of you. The girls that you would usually drive drunk for 30 minutes to get to, you don’t even look in their direction. You realize that your time would have been better spent at the crib, or doing something more constructive other than chop it with drunk strangers. I can see why niggas get drunk though. At the same time I can see why niggas need a break from time to time. Its dope going out having a drunk night with the Homies. But I think it’s even doper waking up in the morning with no regrets. No wild texts. No fears of pregnancy. No DUI’s. Will I ever drink again? Definitely. But I’ll never allow a substance to be a substitute for the real me. If you thinkin bout takin a lil breather, do it. Your body will thank you.

[mylifeasmills]

Dressed like a pops.

[mylifeasmills]

Made you a couple jams 4 tha Summer ☀️☁️. “75 at midnight II”, Produced entirely by tha great saxlovemoney. BASED ON TRUE EVENTS. Listen responsibly 😎🥃🎬.

https://songwhip.com/corey-miller/75-at-midnight-ii

[ebonicsoliloquies-blog]

[moodsandmatters]

[mylifeasmills]

I’m tired in all honesty. Tired of gettin it wrong. Everything wrong. Tired of ALWAYS getting the short end of every stick. Tired of everything being so hard. Why can’t it be ok sometimes? Why can’t the puzzle piece just fit sometimes? I’m not seeing the reasons. Shit just keeps getting harder. Everytime I think that this shit can only last for so long.. it lasts longer. Trying everything. Enough to drive a nigga crazy.