My Life is a Simple Thing

I'm Lanie, and this is my record of my quiet but mostly happy life with my husband, Jason, and two cats, Ponzu and Sake, in beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia.

[mylifeisasimplething]

Welcome Home, Nori!

She's not ours officially until Thursday after her spay.

We started looking to adopt a cat kind of seriously in March, but last month started going to the Vancouver BC SPCA on Saturdays but to no avail. There were some cute cats but none that clicked.

Then yesterday we went back and there were 3 kittens and 4 people looking at them. The volunteer was also very judgemental about the fact that we both work full-time. We've had cats, kittens, before. It's a little newer to us since it's been so long, but we know what we're doing, and working full-time isn't a problem.

So we left and decided that since we were already on the train, we'd stay on the train and try the Burnaby SPCA.

Lo and behold, there were two 2-month-old kittens, sisters named Sun and Shine, and no one else looking for cats. We met Sun and loved her right away.

We fell in love with how crazy she was, and that she licked my fingers and splashed my face with water. She's ours (on Thursday).

With Jason going out of town for 4 to 5 weeks at the end of this month, I couldn't imagine coming home to an empty apartment. I needed someone to come home to. And the fact that it's been 2 1/2 years since we lost Sake. I miss my girl, but it was time to welcome another critter into our lives.

Nori is a cuddly, purring, insane little monster. She's already loved and cherished.

[mylifeisasimplething]

I hate my anxiety.

I'm scheduled to work until 2:30 for 3 days this week, including yesterday. On Monday, a friend asked me to look after her cat and we made plans for me to come over at 3 on Tuesday. Since we live in the same building, it allowed me enough time to come home and shower and change before going down.

Well, work was busy. It was a delivery day and for my first hour of opening, I could barely work on the order because of customers. There were only 2 of us until the closer came in at 12:45. We had just finished the totes when the 3rd person came in. I took my (owed) lunch break at 1. Until that time, I had barely stopped moving at all.

Well, 2:30 was coming up quickly and we still hadn't finished putting everything away and my coworker hadn't taken their break yet. So I was asked by another coworker if I would stay another half hour.

On any other day, I would have had no problem staying. But I had made plans and didn't want to cancel or postpone them, even though I could have and my friend would have understood. (And it turned out that I absolutely could have done that; I could have stayed another hour and it wouldn't have mattered. But I didn't know that when I was at work.)

I'm just worried that I'm going to get in shit with my manager for leaving on time and not staying to help. But I had plans. And I'm worried I'm going to be accused of lying so I screenshot our texts.

Logic says I didn't technically do anything wrong, but my anxiety says I'm still going to get shit for not staying. I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation and I absolutely despise being accused of or thought a liar. I'm so worried about what will be said today when my boss gets in.

[mylifeisasimplething]

When you realize that you don't know someone as well as you think you do, when they say something that seems so off-base for them, but it's actually something they believe.

[mylifeisasimplething]

I feel like any time anyone ever says they don't understand why X is triggered by Y, they're beyond debate.

[mylifeisasimplething]

I'm allowed to not like people

I have this relatively new coworker. She's a perfectly lovely person. She's kind, hard-working, and great with the dogs that come in. She's a mom so she's patient and seems to genuinely care about everyone. Everyone loves her.

Everyone but me.

For reasons I can't explain, I just don't really like her. I don't know if her kindness is SO REAL that it feels fake, or that I feel just a little patronized when she deals with me because I'm on the autism spectrum and am pretty honest in what I say. I don't know, man. There's something about her that I don't jive with.

I had a smidge of confirmation last night when the topic of contraception came up and how great BC and Canada are doing in the area of pro-choice options for women. Somehow it got to abortion and she said something along the lines of how there are real women out in the world who have abortions at 6 months as a legit means of birth control. I was like, um no, most women who have late-term abortions only do so in extreme medical distress, not as a laissez-faire decision. She was about to disagree with me but thankfully, the conversation had to end because of a customer.

I told another coworker about my thoughts, which maybe I shouldn't have done, and it's like she disapproved of my opinion. She said I like another coworker who has some pretty extreme views and while that's a valid argument, we connect differently. The new coworker and I just haven't found a way to connect. And I don't know if I even WANT to connect with her.

It seems like I'm a bad person for not liking a universally liked person. So I have to remind myself that just as I don't expect everyone to like me, I know myself, I know I can be hard to like, I can't be expected to like every person I work with. As long as we can be respectful of and to each other, that's all I care about.

[mylifeisasimplething]

What I've been up to..

Just in case anyone in the Void is interested in knowing. (Wow, looking back at the blog, it's actually less time than I thought!)

We, obviously, survived the pandemic. Around this time a year ago, we both got sick with the virus. Jason had gotten his booster a few days before, and I was scheduled to get my shot two days after the test confirmed it.

It was rough on my end. The headache the first couple of nights had me super worried because of my existing brain condition. I seriously considered going to the hospital because of that. But i, we, made it through okay in the end.

2. I "celebrated" 10 years with my company this past summer. As a thank you for my service, the company took 5 months to email my boss about which gift cards I want. I still have not received them.

3. My Moyamoya disease got worse. In May last year, I went in for an MRI with contrast, and in August my doctors said I was having TIA's, aka mini-strokes. I was then put on the list for surgery.

4. I had brain surgery in late November. It was bypass surgery, where they took part of a donor vessel from my scalp in the temple area and reattached it to the narrowing carotid artery in my brain. I had 15 staples in my head! I had 8 weeks off from work and just went back on January 18th. I'm still recovering, my head still feels funky, like there's a permanent band at the site. BUT it's good because the disease is considered treated and the ticking time bomb that was in my head has been diffused. They aren't worried about "the big one" that would essentially destroy or take my life. I'm still at risk for stroke, I'll be on daily aspirin for the rest of my life, but my odds are greatly decreased.

[honey-wine-and-time]

Petition to the Government of Canada to grant asylum to transgender and non-binary people from any country that has laws hostile to them, including countries historically considered “safe” such as the UK and the USA.

You must be Canadian to sign, but please share

[quasi-normalcy]

@allthecanadianpolitics

[cheddar-baby]

actually important addition, remember to check your email to confirm you signed it. If you hit sign and close the tab you did not actually sign the petition.

[mylifeisasimplething]

I'm back!

After.. a few years? I am back online! Tumblr is a data BEAST and I didn't have the internet speeds to accommodate the graphics. Reddit has been my best friend for a while now. Reddit is nice, but it's really impersonal. I really missed this place, missed a place I can share my thoughts.

[leeshadow]

[mylifeisasimplething]

Today I turn 40

It's been a while, Tumblr. You eat a lot of internet and I've been spending more time on Reddit. It's not the same and I always miss this place, but it's hard to load.

Anyway, I'm 40 today.

I've spent a lot of time feeling bad about this, for a few reasons, but not the one you think. I'm okay with getting older, 40 doesn't bother me.

But every time I thought about celebrating this day, something in me felt sad.

And I know it's the expectation to DO something. After over a year in this pandemic, I'm really tired. I just want to stay in bed and do as little as possible and I don't want anyone to acknowledge it.

Jason took the day off and I wish he'd just gone to work - BUT I am actively trying to remember that he did this because he loves me and wants to spend time with me and is trying to make me feel better in spite of this morose state. I truly love him and appreciate what he's trying to do.

And that I shouldn't be annoyed with my friends and family who want to do the same.

But I'm still a little bit sad today.

[mylifeisasimplething]

Someone I knew a long time ago died yesterday. She was my mom's best friend. I haven't had contact with her in many years, but I'm so sad this happened. Why did she go back? My heart is broken, for her and her family and for my mother.

When my brother in law died, at his funeral, I thanked him for loving my sister..

Thank you, Faith, for loving my mother, and us.

[mamalazzer]

An alternate universe where Vader knows his kids, makes dinners and doesn’t approve of Leia’s boyfriend.

Bonus: Later that night while Han is sleeping

My Star Wars tag

[mylifeisasimplething]

Sometimes I have a hard time controlling my facial expressions or tone of voice. Sometimes I speak in monotone. Usually, I'm not even aware that I'm doing it until I catch myself. It's gotten me in trouble before, like when I asked a customer to hold onto their leashed dog and he thought I was chastising him and he stormed away from me. I was very confused by his sudden change in attitude, and when I asked my assistant manager, who is also a friend and who's worked with me for a very long time, she said it was the tone of my voice. This morning, a customer came in, and as he was shopping for stuff, he asked about something unrelated to what he was buying. When I explained we don't have the thing, he changed the wording of what it was. In response I simply said, "Sure." It was on the edge of monotone, but also clearly not sarcastic.

In my mind, nothing nefarious or offensive had occurred in this entire conversation. I have no idea what it was about that tiny little word that set him off. He stopped in mid-sentence and demanded to know what I meant by sure. I said I'm replying to his comment. Whatever I did or said was apparently so awful that he just stopped and stormed out of the store.

I mean, if he'd just explained to me that he thought my tone was off or rude, I would have been able to explain myself.

We're all tired, we all have bad days, we all have mental health shit that sometimes makes relating to people, especially strangers, difficult. Some of us more than others. If only he'd just been a little bit more patient.

[mylifeisasimplething]

So I posted here that I was/am worried that the rise in cases could delay my surgery, even though I don't technically have a date set.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/covid-numbers-april22-1.5997753

This is disconcerting. I haven't heard from my doctors after my appointment on the 13th, so I'm not sure what's going on exactly, but I'm a little more worried with what this article says.

[mylifeisasimplething]

I'm going to speak the quiet part out loud..

I had my physical exam on Tuesday with the rheumatologist. The doctor said that she didn't see any reason not to move forward with revascularization. Which means there's nothing standing in my way of having the surgery, ie: revascularization.

Which means I can worry a lot less about stroke.

But here's the problem:

Cases of Covid in BC among young people in my age bracket (20-39) are rising. We're in the middle of a heatwave here and I guess they're tired of isolating, or whatever. I mean, I get it. It's been a year and everyone is stressed and tired. But so many cases are being sent to the very same hospital I will be at for my surgery and recovery. And because I'm non-emergent, I'm less of a priority. But that artery in my brain is still getting smaller. And I need this to be fixed.

And while I'm sorry and sad that people are getting sick, I'm also very fearful that, selfishly, I won't get the care that I need. That it will delay it and the artery will just get smaller and I'll have another stroke and I won't know who or what to blame, other than my stupid head.

I feel like such an ass for thinking only of myself, but this is important. On top of the fear of getting sick, I always have the fear of another stroke, and on top of that is more fear of being left behind.

[mylifeisasimplething]

Is this overreacting to stuff at work that I keep doing a response to what's happened in the last year with Covid and losing Sake? I tend to make a "big" mistake about once a year, but my reactions to small stuff are becoming way more dramatic. I think that after a certain point with the virus I kind of became numb to it because I just had to shut up and work, like everyone, and now everything wrong feels so much more magnified.

[mylifeisasimplething]

It's 5 am and my dumbass brain decided, in the middle of a dead sleep, to give me a panic attack. I made a mistake at work yesterday with labels and price increases that was too late to fix before I left, and because I have a doctor's appointment today and was given the entire day off for it, I won't be there to explain or fix it myself.

But the mistake isn't a huge one and can be done by someone else, so my stupid brain decided to escalate the issue and change it to money, something much harder to fix and way more serious.

Yes, brain, I put the money into the till after coming back from the bank. No, I don't remember doing it because it was such a simple task that I don't have to remember doing it. It's there, you did it. Please leave me alone.

Also, I know this appointment is not in the usual place but you're being given so much extra time to find it that making more anxiety over this morning is ridiculous.

Please, if I can't go back to sleep, at least calm the nerves.