My Little Messed up Head

I am a 27 year old female who is diagnosed with OCD, OSFED, Schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type), Autism and a few other things. i am not pro anything specific this is just a place for me to share my feelings.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Intrusive thoughts are NOT the same as unwanted or unpleasant thoughts

[mylittlemesseduphead]

it sucks how people dont let you talk about your psychotic experiences and immediately just go "see a doctor about that" or "i am not qualified to help with this" like i actually am not asking you to fix this i just need someone to listen to me because this experience is incredibly isolating and lonely and scary and no one seems to be able to deal with me when i really just need a friend. like why is it ok to talk about your autism or adhd struggles but as soon as it is psychosis it is chucked in the too hard basket.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

It is hard to explain to non schizo spec people how the whole world can be a trigger for psychotic experiences I am always getting told to get out of my house more and that if I don’t it will ruin my mental health but people don’t realise that going outside brings a host of problems for me for example at times the trees will talk to me and not just trees any plants bushes shrubs all of it is fair game then there are the clouds and the sun and moon that all try and send me messages and other people outside could be trying to read my mind or spy on me or hurt me or attack me in some way even the wind is sending me messages my car radio will also talk to me and shops are full of hidden messages. Anything and everything outside is fair game for being dangerous and triggering. At least at home in my little apartment I know what to expect and yes I still hear and see things inside but they are easier to locate and identify because I know what is going to be in my apartment and what is not supposed to be in there. I don’t have to do so much guessing in my little box.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

I really hate how when you try and get support in online circles as someone who experiences psychosis the response is nearly always “we are not qualified to help your situation please go somewhere else” even if you just wanted someone to listen to you for a minute like everyone just says nope you are too much and too difficult straight to the too hard basket for you we aren’t going to help you here but if you ask for help for anxiety or depression or autism or adhd people bring up all these resources and lists of things they found helpful and that they found online for support like people actually try and support you but the second you have a scary disorder you are cast away and seen as a problem and bringing the space down. I am honestly sick of it like I am not expecting you to cure me heck the professionals can’t even do that but maybe a little support would be nice.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

This is not mental health related so if that isn’t your thing stop reading here.

It’s pride month and for those who don’t know I am aroace and for some reason there is always a lot of confusion about what it is like to be aroace so I am going to give you an example being aroace is like being gluten and dairy free at a communal picnic. Most of the time you have to bring your own food to the picnic because the event provider hasn’t made anything suitable and no one else is going to bring anything you can eat either. You also have to spend a lot of time explaining to people why you can’t try their food because it isn’t that you don’t want to but if you do it will make you sick and sure some aroace people are just intolerant and maybe they can have a little bit of the other food before they get sick but some aroaces are fully allergic and any amount of gluten or dairy will make them very very sick. You spend the whole picnic feeling like you don’t quite fit in because everyone is enjoying the same food while you are eating your home made snack and fending off comments like “you’ll build up a tolerance if you just start eating a little bit now” or “my kid couldn’t eat gluten but he grew out of it you must just be a late bloomer” and no matter how many times you say trying this food won’t cure my allergy a well meaning health enthusiast will try and convince you that not eating gluten and dairy is unhealthy and unnatural. No matter how many times the provider says you are welcome to be at the event it never quite feels that way because nothing at the event is made with you in mind even the plates and cutlery have to be separated because any bit of gluten or dairy is end game for you, you bring your own bottle of water or soda to drink because you don’t want to risk something having milk in it and people call you a scaredy cat because you won’t do a toast with them. And sure you might meet one other person who is gluten free or one other person who is dairy free but no one else seems to be able to have neither just like you… you are not like the other allergy people with only one allergy because you have 2 to avoid and then you might find one food on the table you can eat but before you know it someone who wasn’t thinking about you has contaminated it.

This is what it is like being aroace constantly having to explain yourself and your choices and why you can’t just be like everyone else and no one considers you at first thought you are always an after thought anyway it can be isolating and sad at times but if you can find inclusive events and spaces it can be great fun and joy to be able to be yourself.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Happy autism acceptance month

It has taken me a while to understand how my autism affects me and how to best help it but no matter where you are on that journey i wish you luck and good vibes.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Wow 8 years sorry I haven't been active much lately I am not sure when I will be back to posting but hopefully soon.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

You shouldn't have to sacrifice your physical health for your mental health or sacrifice your mental health for your physical health. You are allowed to be completely healthy and if a doctor wont listen to you about your health concerns then it is time for a second opinion. mental health meds can have some serious physical health impacts and even cause long term health conditions and you shouldn't have to put up with that just because it helps with your mental health.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

What kind of mentally ill are you

Anxiety disorder eg, ocd, gad, social anxiety

Mood disorder eg. depression, bipolar

Personality disorder

Schizo spec

Dissociative disorder

Trauma related illness eg ptsd

Other (something I forgot) specify in the tags.

I have multiple mental illnesses

Voting ended onJun 22, 2023

[mylittlemesseduphead]

For all my fellow ace spec/aro spec people who also have mental health issues this is a reminder that intrusive thoughts are not the same thing as attraction. Intrusive thoughts can make things very confusing but they are not a reflection of your true feelings and desires and just because you have an intrusive sexual thought about someone does not mean you are attracted to them.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Me not responding doesn’t mean you “won” the argument it means I am choosing to disengage for my own safety.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

I hate the heavy feeling you get when you are depressed. When all your limbs feel weak and heavy like someone pumped them full of lead and it is hard to move and all you want to do is curl up and cry somewhere dark and quiet. When your thoughts feel slow and you can feel yourself sinking into the void. When you try and speak but the words come out too slowly and end up slurring because it is too much effort to speak normally. When you feel exhausted but too sad to sleep so you just lay there listening to the same sad song on repeat. When it feels like you have already failed at life even though you know life doesn’t work that way. When you lay there heavy wishing to disappear because it hurts too much to stay but you are so weak and heavy that you can’t even get up to make yourself disappear.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Having a psychotic illness is like living in 2 different worlds all the time only sometimes they merge and you can’t tell which bit belongs in which world. It is like the worlds are on each side of a thin line you are forced to walk down and sometimes you fall off the line and into one side or the other and spend some time there and see the sights but then it is back to the fine line to continue your journey never allowed to stay in either for too long and never fully accepted into either because your place is back on that thin line. It is like being held at a distance from everyone and everything because you don’t fit you are not like them in either world you can interact with them but you are never one of them.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Being told you are treatment resistant is kind of crushing and relieving at the same time. On the one hand it explains why the meds don’t just magically make things go away but it is also exhausting to think you will have to live like this forever never fully being allowed to just exist in either world peacefully knowing it will always be some sort of fight.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Psychotic people deserve to have their experiences heard and validated just as much as anyone else does.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Mental illness and dumb are NOT synonymous people with mental illnesses can be highly intelligent but not all people with mental illnesses are super geniuses either. Just like neurotypical people, mentally ill people come in all shapes, sizes and levels of ability. Do not judge people by the stereotypes that plague their condition. 

[mylittlemesseduphead]

It is mental health month

lets hope this year people with things other than depression and anxiety are also included in the discussions.