Watching Maid (Netflix) hit a spot I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready to unpack anywhere other than here. And if he happens to ever find my tumblr still, just know he's not the villain in my life story anymore. this is super in the past, it's just what my life was at that moment and the trauma I carry. I remember so many fucking good times. But it was also really really, life altering bad (and I know I was no better of a human being).
I don't know what you're like with other people and I could never pretend to know other than I hope you're better for them. I hope they get the best side of you bc I know how happy you made me. For no other reason other than to make me smile. I can honestly say nobody will ever love me the way you will. It was the most passionate, synergenic, intoxicating love I've ever experienced while simultaneously feeling like imprisonment. I deeply apologize for not understanding myself better. I know it was halfly my fault for being just as toxic and awful.
I remember very little about this one specific evening on the domestic abuse hotline to call and vent because there was no way I could call anyone that knew I went back to him. They never would've let me stay. I remember that whole heartedly. I was in the same position as "Alex". I had no hard evidence other than verbal abuse in texts. I was never physically harmed. I was never financially stripped. I was never unable to drive. But I was verbally berated for wearing shorts that appeared too short. I was verbally scorned for being in a group project with a man that I had to share my number with. I will never forget crying in front of so many people, in so so many of my jobs. I was terrified of a man being too nice to me or looking at me for too long. I don't even remember which conversation triggered me to call. But I knew I shouldn't be berated for being a generally attractive woman. All I knew was he didn't like me for me. He wanted this bottled up version of me where he could pick and choose the broken pieces he wanted to keep for his mural in the basement. In chains.
other than that, it was a cold evening. I was in absolute tears crying outside on the street so my roommate wouldn't hear. Wouldn't hear after she told me not to go back. After he convinced me things would be different this time. I remember questioning if this is going to be my life the rest of my life and how would I ever get out? How was I so fucking dumb to go back and think it would be different? How did I get here that I'm already a shell of a human I almost rather be 6 ft under than continue to live like this
This brings me back to Maid. Is this what my life would've turned into if I had stayed? Would I have finished college if he somehow convinced me to be a mom? I mean, im back in my hometown now bc my mom's health, but it's so different than being stuck in my town bc i have nothing else to do with no job, no income, no independence. Sometimes I assume I was thinking the worst but honestly, I will never forget not having the energy to exist bc I didn't want him to get triggered.
