Reflection

[mymomentaryreflections]

Courage

I have always been scared. I live with fear and apprehension perhaps more than anyone else I know.. BUT I have always been able to do the right thing in the end. I have always been able to turn around and face the thing the scares me.

I have always been able to display courage. In facing fear I feel like I have no where to run from myself. I have to turn around and look it in the eye and defeat it. I have to experience it for what it is...  

I don’t like having no control over my fate. That is the ultimate source of fear, but one way or another I will need to preserve my integrity. 

[mymomentaryreflections]

Suffering

Do you think you are hurting? Why do you you feel hurt so much? Why do you feel so much pain? Worse than pain is the feeling of being numb. You don't know what you are supposed to be feeling. Pain is fresh. Pain is dynamic, pain forces you to be in the moment, pain takes your mind away from suffering, but what if you feel no pain but still suffer? What if your face is grinding against the very earth you walk on, its worn out to the bone and raw and you don't feel it? You don't know that state that you are in. Your very soul is tormented, you welcome pain if pain ever came, you beg for pain, only pain can come to your rescue, only pain is your savior and yet pain is so far away, you are so afraid of pain, I am... so afraid of pain.  How much can you suffer? Is there a limit? Is it your fault, have you felt so much pain that you can feel no more? Are you addicted to it? It is time to look deep inside, only courage can save you. Only courage can welcome pain and only pain can give you freedom.

Imagine you are in the middle of a blizzard, imagine that you are utterly alone, imagine that there is no one there, imagine that there is no shelter, imagine that there is no hope... imagine that it is dark, that you are blinded by the wind and ice against your face, imagine that you can fall of a cliff at any moment, imagine utter despair, imagine your solitude, imagine your independence, imagine your oneness, imagine... think, think, think, despair, be afraid but do not cower, shake but remain intact in your core, you are a collection of different parts that come together but in the end you are one and for the better. For the good. Look within you.

Be true. Be true. Be true. Be focused. Nothing else matters. You are already devastated. Nothing else matters. Pull your parts together, one by one. Slow progress is still progress.  

[mymomentaryreflections]

Loneliness

Sometimes that utter loneliness you feel, that disconnect from the rest of humanity is not loneliness at all. You have grown so much and so distinct that you cannot constantly relate. You have let yourself down and disappointed yourself over and over again and now you are tired and cynical. People can't relate to you either because you are rarely approachable. You are angry but who are you angry at? What are you angry for? That loneliness is just a need for solitude and calm that you misinterpret for abandonment. The only person who has really left you hanging is yourself. That is why you are angry. It is time to embrace loneliness and drink it like bitter medicine you deserve.