I can’t sleep again
I can’t shake of the feeling, my brain hurts from trying to redirect these negative thoughts. Every time something’s good, it always gets worse ten fold, I don’t mean to sound dramatic that’s just been my experience but worst is getting rejected, especially me as a women that’s in there mid twenties, I’ve always been unliked by the men I was attracted to but it’s so painful still. Now I just wonder if I’ll ever have a chance, if the only attribute people see is how pretty a woman is. I’m not smart, I’m not talented, I suck at learning, I’m chronically ill, I have too much childhood trauma and still live in an unstable household. I’ve tried so hard to work on myself to see a way out, I’ve done therapy so many times, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t and it’s these little things that chip away at me. My brain is on fire, my chest hurts, why would I send him that? I’m so disrespectful for sending him that when I didn’t even know whether or not he felt the same. How could I even think he liked me when all the clues were there but I let my friend’s voice give me false hope. Now I feel so stupid, I opened that part and now I’m hurt and I have to see this person at school everyday. It also sucks that I feel old, I’m about to be 26 and I’m still trying to finish my undergraduate , granted when I finished high school and started school for a year and a half, I left then joined the military, then took a few years raising my dog (to be a service animal but I failed at that too) and working while trying to deal with my mother and little sisters. Still though, I am so lonely because there’s no one who understands or is willing to understand, I just can’t truly connect with people and as soon as I feel too lonely I fall apart. I become annoying and volatile. How can I keep doing life like this, constantly self sabotaging? I had locked that part of myself but now all I want again is so desperately to be loved by someone who I’m attracted to, so many times it’s one sided either for me or for the person who likes me, and I just can’t force myself to like them so I understand the people that reject me but it still hurts like hell. I’m usually in such a deep depression that it’s hard to redirect my thoughts cuz everything has no meaning or joy but I think I can’t stop because I don’t live for myself, my family depends on me though it’s a heavy burden, all I wanted was a sense of security and unconditional love, something that I never received from even those I’m related to, how could I realistically expect it from others?
I don’t even have any real friends, they say in therapy,surround yourself by those who love you but what if you don’t have any of those?
I have a huge assignment I haven’t finished that’s due later today but I couldn’t will myself anymore, I’m a stem major and this is meant to be hard but I’m so overwhelmed and wonder if I’ll ever get better. I constantly fail my exams and I can’t do my homework without help, I’m a fraud. How can I get into grad school? How do I even graduate college? I want to just disappear from this pain.
I think though, if I’m being honest, this is unfair because I have to clean up the trash left behind from my abusers, I have to pick up the pieces and pretend to be a whole person in society, after all that, they still have their grip on me.
