A Mistake Either Way

I made a promise a while back that no matter what happened, I would not kill myself. This is a growing collection of works that showcase my regret for that.

[mypromisedlife]

I wonder what you were thinking

In those last moments, high as fuck

Angry at the world for being mundane

So upset with everyone for being the same

Disturbed from the start finding pills to drown whatever remained human inside of you

I loved you, but you knew that

That last thing you said to me

"I love you so much"

Was that goodbye? Did you know?

I told you to be careful

Thats my best friend you're hurting

Ill regret letting you leave, forever

I should have pushed harder

I know you would have stayed

I miss you. Its been less than 24 hours.

But ill spend every hour from now on

With everything but you

So these hours closer to your departure

Are so bitter sweet

But at least they're closer to you

[mypromisedlife]

It's really not my fault that your eyes looked that way

Melting even while you stared so curiously at everything

Melting my heart especially, and i hate cheesy lines

But you changed that in me, you made me come alive

I can never quite place what your voice reminded me of

All i know is that no sweeter sound has graced my ears

i could practically taste you in every word, dripping sweet and intense

And especially in those words which you whispered, against my skin

I dont think ive spent a single day without you, in so many years

Though you haven't been here for several still

i dont really need your presence to feel, like a miracle,

Everything that I've ever felt for you from the start, love

You must know by now that I've tried to move on

so many poems written for other women, like false advertising

But only you have ever seen the very depths of my soul

And spoken in no uncertain terms, that you thought it was beautiful

I know I would feel bad for all that I've done, if not for you

You hold my hand through it all, keeping me rooted in what makes me good

lately I've felt you slipping, falling away from me, seeking closure

If only I had the strength to let you go, perhaps we could both find it

[mypromisedlife]

And i love you for everything

that you're not

Like a body lying quiet among

the rocks

Salt water licking away trauma

And pulling us slowly

to the sea

[mypromisedlife]

Drunk mess

sipping silence from the air

to be a whisper on your ear

ill crawl through goblets filled with lies

Drink till you can hear

Ive just met your father, oh my god

I can see where you get it all

Ive destroyed a welcome silence

till i fall i beg you love me dearly

Show me something i can take

Into an early grave

ill bring statuettes and memories

and i hope you bring the same

i dont want to be remembered

I dont want to be forgot

I just want happiness to find

everyone that ive saught

[mypromisedlife]

Look at this fancy shit lmfao

It's all about the lows, im sure

The points of desperation

where you don't even know

What it is you're desperate for

I feel it like a hunger, with pains and all

something I'm just missing

I'll keep convincing myself it's love

But we all know that's not right

I'm missing purpose, meaning, insight

Im missing a solution to everything

how akin is life to a sickness

that i suffer so thoroughly for a cure

[mypromisedlife]

Quiet, a short story.

The quiet things hiding in curious shadows have spoken to me again. I ponder their whispers as though they hold keys to forgotten realms. They crawl across my ceiling, seeking shelter from the light of morning. They keep me company, while i seek shelter from my own mourning.

Watching them squirm brings me little comfort, but it is familiar. It would seem that even those things that are horrible can be home. Of the twisting portals they use to come and go, we speak naught. Even the things staring back through them are unmentioned.

Im curious to know from where they come, but their voice wont support the name. They have taken to calling it The Next, and i have done just the same. They say it is terribly bleak, and quite hostile, and I say the same of our realm. My jokes never elicit their laughter, so ive stopped telling them. Im so relieved.

They keep telling me they have to leave soon. That coming was a mistake. I tell them they are welcome to stay, that they may share my mind. They insist, though, and already their numbers are dwindling. My last encounter was quite curious, however, and my reason for writing.

I asked, purely to spark conversation mind, what was to become of them. The hideous creature of whose kind id grown so fond stared for some time. Finally, as though struggling against the enormous weight of its words, it spoke. "We are to return", it said, "but in another time, another place, another victim."

They are gone now, having left behind that ominous implication. To what have i fallen victim to? Is it what has been rendered or what is yet to come? Why do they not simply come back through the portals? They left them everywhere! No one is answering me! No one is listening! All they do it stare! They wont stop staring at me!

[mypromisedlife]

A Decrepit Stride

Worn or ruined, either by age or neglect But I'm sure you could have guessed my meaning Without me feeling the need to tell you Alas, a superiority complex so complex it's staggering Forbade me from allowing you to reach your own conclusion

Well here we are again. Sitting here half naked A cup of water to keep me company but I haven't sipped In some twenty-three hours or so its just been Gathering dust to skim it's surface to surprise me when I find the energy to hydrate what feels already dead

It's all in my head! They say, walking swiftly in other directions A Decrepit Stride I have to make to catch them and scream That in my head there be monsters, the kind that hide and weep Deeply into the darkness of my mind why oh why did they have to be mine? If I could I'd hold them, to keep them safe from my memories

Who could know what love was like for one like me to love so unlike me? It's always three, I said, telling others about myself like I was a story Like something about me warranted a fairy tale ending and cinematic start It's my heart, it's just too big for my brain cause one wants us to love But the others gone insane and the envy that I'm feeling is really fucking…

I don't know. I don't have words which is a first since I'm always the guy Who's got the letters on his lips like a soft spoken lie I try to find every vowel That I think will make me seem like I'm somebody who's got a fuckin reason for being But I'm no Bard. I'm no fairy tale thing, no I'm just a loser who can't fucking sing Even though it's the only thing I wanna do in the whole world it's quite depressing

Sorry, sometimes it just gets to me. Writing is my passion for lack of any talent In anything I want to do but it's alright. It'll be okay one day sitting still in a café Looking unfocused through the panes as you speak to me and say what a day You've had all wrapped up in your story all enticed by mediocrity while I picture The details of my lost life raining down to fight away the teardrops in my eyes

I'm a broken man, that's for sure. No other way of saying that I don't find joy In anything, like pouring rain or thunderclouds are supposed to be impressive But a clap of thunder loud enough to make me jump is stressful not a story And the raindrops on my windshield only serve as deterrents from swerving Cause that ditch is looking nice and those trees seem oh so friendly I know this ride has been confusing but it seems we've reached the ending

[mypromisedlife]

Now I've never considered myself to be “White trash”, due only to a lack of pigment And the occasional sifting I may do Around the piles of to-go bags that Make up the passenger seat of my car Looking for a half a cigarette that's guaranteed to taste like bad memories™

No That's not what makes me trashy

Neither, ironically, is it my lack Of will or desire to clean after myself Like maintaining an immaculate space To live in, work in, love in, had ever helped like fine the dishes are finished but I still Wanna kill myself, Deborah, so really Living that dream is not my prerogative

No That's not what makes me trashy

It's probably my complete lack of etiquette As if every moment were an open door I burst into conversations with a moronic Reckless abandon in an attempt to steal Literally any amount of attention I can So I can feel like a contribution to the world And it's always worked so now I can't stop

Yeah(!)  That kinda makes me trashy

Don't get me twisted like I'm basically fine I just desire attention, it fills up my mind And honestly I'm not even trying to rhyme It's just so fucking gross to always feel like slime

See what I did there? That definitely makes me trashy.

[mypromisedlife]

Cause I wanna see an endless green  Or blue or pink just colorful things A dream of a stream a cloud made of cream A wonderful red that'll fall and kill me Electric blue like a night spent with you Or a pale horse, riding forth right on queue Turquoise was always a favorite of mother But I hate my father, sisters and brother So perhaps I'll just keep the green and see How I fair without the blue left in me

[mypromisedlife]

[mypromisedlife]

Wonderful thoughts cascading like raindrops

As if a blanket of memories meant to comfort

Raging, this torrent of power sweeps and covers

What quiet moments we share, holed away from the world

Purchased seconds confusing counted moments

Like change handed from the beggar to the rich, an old exchange

A Commodity so common it's almost an oddity

Like righteous anger targeted to the rain

Foreign these sounds seem, I believe

But taste them lying restless against your tongue and scream

For every sentence you manage to speak such guttural nonsense

All the while knowing the poetry behind your teeth.

[mypromisedlife]

I wouldn’t like to add a caption, no. Thank you though.

[mypromisedlife]

Watching these old candles burn is exhausting

I need new ones.

Trying to write a metaphor for an imaginary audience is exhausting.

I need new ones.

Listening to a thousand little lies, rushed in quiet tones, is exhausting.

I need new ones.

Wrapping my fingers round a trinket that whispers of calm seas and short breaths is exhausting.

I need new ones.

[mypromisedlife]

Good Enough

Screaming into every soft embrace I wake to find my tears echoed on your face, the pale morning crying with our plight

Knowing how I try to stand and gain myself a fighting chance but now I'm down I can't arise, I'm no longer who I am

A salve that burns like acid pulls together shards of a broken heart, melting either side as the cracks seal away

Don't resent the love for giving in where sense can't fight, a battleground for emotion only, with no room for you

Forget to breathe and lose your mind, a noose will find a cure for us, a moment to feel true love, true happiness

Screaming into every soft embrace I sleep so deep I won't awake, the pills I take to drown the fake side of me aren't working

[mypromisedlife]

(Still Alive)

Holding effort in hand im scrubbing dirt from every pore in my lifeless corpse

Searching for something to numb the pain so im picking through my own vomit

Standing is impossible so I roll to my side, a crumpled mess of a man, broken and hallow

Tears fall before I know they're forming, my expression speaking not a word

Angels cry out but I've become lost in my vanity, imagined suicide attempts are my Lord

A springtime of poetry falls in red droplets from the corners of my mouth

Whispers like shadows on the filthy tiles, crawling up my back and retching in my thoughts

Baring all to be seen, we welcome the Fall

[mypromisedlife]

Like tides, and ropes from gallows We sway In memories, and cemetery plots We stay With toy cars, and assault rifles We play And anytime we're asked to explain, We say      It wasn't me.

[mypromisedlife]

Love Isn't Happiness

Love is loss Love is wishing every moment Could last forever Then watching it pass Hoping that the next Will be just as grand It never is Love is crying between kisses Tears pooled to the corners of your smile In some sort of grotesque testament of devotion To every suffocating second of silence Love is fear you seek to feel Fear that you could never be enough That somebody else already is Fear of every unknown to come And excitement for it But most of all Love is not happiness Love is so far beyond that Love is smiling alone in the dark Thinking of a thousand happy memories to come Love is holding onto a hand And feeling in your palm Everything that makes the world spin All at once Love is what happiness aspires to be And everything it never could Love is lifes greatest misery The most lovely way to die Love will remind you That you're still just a spoiled child While aging you so far beyond What you have any right to be Love is spectacular Love is devastating And there is Nothing In this world More worth suffering for.