Coming to Terms

[myroadtokenya]

down about 1/2-1 inch all over in the last month. Still at the same weight as last week and the week before. Have to change my eating to jumpstart this crap.

Im taking down all of our couple pictures, removing anything in the main living area that indicates we are married. I am just done. Dunzo.

And every morning he still says the same thing. Do you still love me? I was so close to answering "ya still fingering that girl at work", but I didn't . Proud of myself for thinking twice. Not sure how often that will happen, but it happened at least once.

[myroadtokenya]

He sucks the life out of me. Makes me tired when he is around. Exhausted. His tantrums are overwhelming, draining. He threw a fit cause Kid3 asked to drive herself to her dental appt 45 min away. Sometimes he is so overwhelming. Not in a good way.

Found his 'orgasm delay' spray. He never used it with me. 10 pumps and he was done. He locked his computer down. He has hidden everything from me. I dont know why I am letting it bother me. He has his life and I have mine. It still hurts. Fragmented.

[myroadtokenya]

Find reasons to be happy...ok....but intrusive thoughts make it hard. I can be in mid run, happy, smiling and then it hits me that he was planning on cheating on me, and it falls apart again.

Friday I got a $10k a year raise and a promotion. I am so thrilled with myself. I have worked my ass off this last year and at the end of October I am going to celebrate me.

Insomnia sucks, but the dreams when I do sleep are weird. Its a lot about hiding and disguises and I don't know. I'm just trying to make each day better than the last. Because who knew rock bottom had a basement!?!?

[myroadtokenya]

Im vacillating between sadness and anger and i don't give a shit. LOL. He makes cheating jokes and still asks me if I want to have sex with him.

I found all my old downloaded songs and made a new playlist. Familiar songs are like a hug, But sometimes I want to cry. This is not fun.

But I have to focus on me and my healing. Im going for a walk tonight after work. Get some air and get away. Run some errands.

But the best thing about today is it is a friends birthday. I ordered her fav pineapple pizza and cinnamon twists for her. She will be so shocked! That will make my day!

[myroadtokenya]

no gain no loss this week. that is very good considering I am on the rag and my husband cheated on me. Bonus for me.

This week I am building a squat rack for my gym. I am also working on myself. I almost fell down a rabbit hole of looking up fillers and boob jobs. I thought about getting my lips plumped and my eyes botoxed. I thought how can I make myself more attractive to him.

Then I fucking realized...hey he cheated on me. I am not going to contort myself into some twisted view of what a fucking 47 year old woman should look like, and I am going to be what I should look like. I am gray haired, tattooed and pierced up. I am strong, I am capable and there is nothing I can do.

And he asked last night when we are going to have sex again. Um...I found out about your cheating ways a week or so ago...you were texting women on our fucking anniversary and on your birthday...I skirted the question and my dog wanted to be petted, so there's that. My dog has become a huge protector of me lately. So much so that she jumps between us if he tries to touch me. She is my best friend.

Oh and at random times I break out singing "cheater cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash ho".

Forgive me....

[myroadtokenya]

I did tell him that if he ever brings his little trick to my house, I would smash her teeth in. Plus my dog would gladly tear her apart.

Not the most mature thing to do. But I am still hurt and he is still blaming me and expecting me to be over it right now. Thats the fun part, huh? Why can't you just get over it??

I did do a great hike on my birthday, it really was amazing. And I did tell him I am planning my life without him. If he wants to make plans with me, he has to do it. I am no longer making plans with or for him. Period. Ever. Done.

So on that note, next week I am going hiking again! Going to a trail on the coast for the day. Then two weeks after that is my rescheduled birthday celebration. I am going to a hotel on the coast alone for two days. It has a huge claw foot tub, so I am going to go get some luxurious bath stuff, candles, robe and make a whole two days about me. Oh and the week before that I am going to get a new piercing and schedule a new tattoo.

This year, year 47, is going to be amazing for me. :)

[myroadtokenya]

now he's threatening to move back to Indiana. To what? Give his low and softy to some other woman? HUH?

It would hurt less if he took responsibility and apologized. Instead he asks if this is going to go on forever. Like I should be over this by now. 24 hours is long enough to be in pain over cheating. Im such a drama queen.

I have been able to get into his social media and emails. Nothing on them, but he did have an Am account under his primary email. He unsubscribed to it. I don't think that is how it works, but what ever. I don't trust him, but I don't have to.

But tomorrow I have my birthday hike. Alone. I've taken him out of my phone. Blocked his phone number so his messages won't come to my main account, I have to open a special folder. I just have to stop checking that folder 100 an hour. I have to remember that he doesn't care, and this is his way of showing me.

When people tell you who they are, believe them the first time.

Saves on heart ache.

[myroadtokenya]

Im still hurting and feeling stupid. My birthday is tomorrow. This is just too much for my heart to take.

I want to scream at him, punch the walls, make him feel as bad as he's mad me feel. I know its not my fault, but god dam it. I won't let him see me cry. I won't let him see my heart breaking and feeling like dying .

he keeps acting like everything is normal. Part of me wants him to see my pain, to see what he has caused. i am worth more than this. I know a I am.

after tomorrow, I will get up the courage to talk to him. Let him know that we can't afford a divorce, but we will open the marriage so he isn't cheating any more.

But I swear to god, if he brings that bitch to my house, I will knock her teeth down her throat. I swear I will.

[myroadtokenya]

Im down 4.4 pounds. Not in the mood to do the full format.

Found out why hubs has been screaming at me, having tantrums and being mean....cause he's cheating on me. again. Well he confirmed the first affair by accident. and he couldnt deny the dating apps and the gmail chats and the tick tocks. On our anniversary...and his birthday.

Oh did I mention my birthday is this weekend...happy birthday to me. 15 straight years where this man has made my birthday about him.

so theres that....

[myroadtokenya]

I have to put words to my feelings otherwise I am just feeling angry.

I feel alone, abandoned by my partner

I feel frustrated at the lack of support for years from my partner

I feel sad because of the abandonment from my partner.

Now I have to take action on those feelings. I can sit and feel like my partner is not with me, or i can live my life as if I have no partner.

I have no partner. I am choosing to be alone.

[myroadtokenya]

Another day, another week, another weigh in

SW: 199.8

GW: 140

CW: 187.6 CWL: -3.4

Total WL: -12.2

It was a good weigh in. I will admit, I was very pleased with myself. I have a real shot at being my actual drivers license weight when I have to renew it next year. Fingers crossed!

Well, food out of the mouth and it will happen!

[myroadtokenya]

crazy

crazy feeling of contentment and being happy. work is good. kids are good. brother's wife just had a healthy baby.

Just feeling good right now. Want to remember this feeling for later.

[myroadtokenya]

Do you think he is sitting there thinking about it....

Nope. Then why am I? I know he isn't wondering what he can do to make my day better, so why do I? He isn't thinking about how he hurt me, so why am I? He isn't thinking about me at all, so why am I?

Not anymore. Nope. All done. I said at the first of the year that this is the year I am going to put me first. And I am actually doing it. 9 months too late, but better late than never.

Its all about me baby. Just me.

[myroadtokenya]

List of reason to be proud of myself

*I took control of my health and have lost 8+ pounds in the last month

*I have transformed the backyard to a oasis of relaxation

*I bought the hot tub, chems, and accessories

*I left a job that did nothing for me and found one that is amazing

*I'm negotiating a new salary after 6 months

*I bbq'd the best chicken of my life last night. DELICIOUS!!

*I clean and maintain the house alone

*I have managed my finances to the point that in 3 months I will be 100% out of debt

*I take care of my dogs alone

*I plan my life alone

*I am not sitting on my ass and letting life pass me by. I may be (almost) 47, but I am living life

*I exercise 6-7 days a week. Consistently.

*Fasting has helped me gain clarity and set limits with myself

*I made the decision to grow my hair out for me. Not for a man this time

*I'm living my life for me now. I may be married, but I am single. I am ok with that

*I built two plant stands to transform the patio to a oasis. Next will be new doors and screening in the patio

*If I can track it, I can achieve it. Finances, weight loss, trips. Its all on me, and there is nothing I can't do

*I built a small patio for the fire pit in the back yard

*I took out two bad small gardens and built a dog playground

*I increased my squat weight from 35 to 40. Not much but it is an increase

*I can bench press 55 pounds on my own now

I am on my own now. Not alone, but on my own.

[myroadtokenya]

Over night solutions to long term issues

Why can't it happen???

SW 199.8

GW 140

CW 192.4

Total lost 7.4

I went up .2 pounds last week. I know why. I got lazy with my eating. Excused eating ice cream. Can't do that. But then I launched in to an amazing dinner the same day. It was an anniversary dinner, so I excused it. But back on track now!

I built a three tiered plant stand out of pallets. I love it. So proud of my work. I smashed my hand with a crow bar, it is a beautiful shade of blue now. Swollen but functional.

So my goals for this week are to get caught up on emails at work, stay true to my diet, and keep myself focused on the future. I get to go on a long hike next Monday, my favorite hike! And I am going to do it again on my birthday. Yeah! Alone and in the wilderness. Alone but not afraid. Alone and thriving!!

[myroadtokenya]

Weigh in #2

SW: 199.8

GW: 140

CW: 192.2

Total Lost: 7.6

I am down 2.8 pounds from last week. Total of 7.6 down. I am 5 weeks ahead of schedule, if I keep up the plan of 1 pound a week. Realistically I can be at my goal weight by my 48th birthday. I just have to keep the mindset that 1 pound a week is the goal.

But I am proud of myself. I have been good on eating in my food window time, not snacking, and making sure I take my vitamins and drink 100 oz of water. I make sure I am hitting all my step goals. Step goals are 5000 steps over my total workout steps. So if a run ends me at 12k steps, I make my daily goal 17k total steps.

This weeks goal is still 1 pound. But I want to make sure I am staying hydrated in this heat and keeping focused on the overall goal of health, vs skinny.

[myroadtokenya]

Isn't it funny

My body shut down yesterday. Nausea, exhaustion, aches and a low grade fever. Its because I haven't released the stress of the last week. I know I need to, but I am afraid if I start to cry, it won't stop until he comes home.

I slept on my lunch break and went to bed at 6 pm. I am better today, did a 6.5 mile run. Didn't feel good. LOL. But I did it. Refocusing on what I can control, vs what is out of control.

Meeting with my boss today, and then next week is the big 6 month review. I am asking for a raise. Fingers crossed on that one.

Other than that, I am just staying my course. I need to keep my head above water. I need to ride the waves of grief as it comes, not anticipating it, but just dealing with it.