Confessions of an Atelophobe @myselfoverme - Tumblr Blog

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📝 I’m really not all that sure why I haven’t been posting much. There are reasons of course, but also none of them are the reason. I think about it often and then just decide to do other things. Just not the season for it, I suppose.

⏳ I’ve been settling still. Finding my footing in this new life. Finding it takes a lot of time and energy even when it is deeply better than what came before it. My practice with patience is improving. There is a lot of joy and love in this (re)building phase.

🏠 YD and I are apartment searching. We had thought we would stay here (his existing lease) longer, but some circumstances have led us to make changes sooner. We are thankfully not in a major rush. An NYC late spring real estate search is really not for the faint hearted. I’ve got all my fingers and toes crossed that a really lovely option we applied for on Friday night will come through.

🎨 I think I have decided to start selling some of my art. I may start with a couple of my old pieces just to see how it feels and make some more space. I may just make some new things for it. Might even try some commissions (as I have had a couple people allude interest in this to me recently). I’ll post some things here if I do move forward with a plan.

✈️ I currently have a couple of trips planned in the next few months. The thoughts around our move may change/delay those plans, but it will be good for some next travel adventures with YD. First we will go to San Diego where I will have the joy of introducing him and some of my besties and the *experience* of introducing him to my family. But he’s taking me to Amsterdam as a treat the month following. Will be my first time to Europe!

🌍 So much about the world really does seem so shitty now, but disconnecting more and more from the internet really has made it so much easier to remember all of the beauty and magic in the world. Being grounded and in touch with material, especially natural material, is so filling and freeing.

💖 I do miss you all though when I am here less. This corner of the internet continues to always remind me of the good days of the internet. Before the internet was just one big huge data mining and advertising project. When it was just people connecting, creating, storytelling. I am always hoping you all are well and that what is good in life finds you.

#A little bed time Seven for Sunday #This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for thoughts about life #This is the tag for arts & crafts #This is the tag for moving #This is the tag for boy stuff #This is the tag for dreaming of a better world

Help! I have not really loved a single book that I’ve read yet this year. Some are interesting but not well written. Some are well written but not that interesting. Most of them just felt flat in some way.

Please tell me a book that has truly gripped you and stuck with you! I would like to experience loving a book again soon.

#This is the tag for books #This is the tag for tumblr crowdsourcing

Life lately 💖✨

#This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for food #This is the tag for cooking and baking #This is the tag for nyc things #This is the tag for pictures of me #This is the tag for Gemini the cat

I married YD today !

#At our favorite omakase sushi counter 🍣#It was a really perfect day 🥹#And hopefully soon I’ll have some more bandwidth to share about this day and how I decided to get married in a way that feels right to me #This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for boy stuff #This is the tag for relationship anarchy #This is the tag for pictures of me #This is the tag for Gemini the cat #This is the tag for books

Life lately 💖

Glorious sunny (false) spring day 🌤️🍃🌸

#Sunshine and open windows!! 🥹#The winter has been lovely but I am ready for more sunny days #I ❤️ nyc on the first warm sunny day of the year… just top tier energy 🙂‍↕️#This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for pictures of me #This is the tag for Gemini the cat

Took a lovely little roadtrip over the weekend to see the unicorns and my hug friends 🌈💖🦄

#This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for friendship stuff #This is the tag for boy stuff #This is the tag for relationship anarchy #This is the tag for traveling #This is the tag for tarot #This is the tag for pictures of me

A+ Snow Walk 💖❄️

#People in new york are so creative ☃️🍆😂#SO MUCH SNOW! And still snowing 🤗#Also I went down the slide on the playground and that was so so fun!#This is the tag for pictures of me #This is the tag for snow #This is the tag for nyc things #This is the tag for days that are good

Late night and first morning light ❄️✨

#I don’t think I’ve experienced so much sideways sticking snow before— it’s so cool!!#Very excited for my snow walk later today!!#This is the tag for snow #This is the tag for the weather #This is the tag for things I like #This is the tag for plants

😌 It still has not 100% sunk in, but not having a job is so peaceful and lovely! I’ve been able to get so much done over the last week and have read two whole books.

🏠 I have officially moved in with YD! Moved all of my things yesterday after packing all of my things in 4.5 days. Thankfully it all went very smoothly, even though the rain yesterday was a bit of a nusiance.

😴 I’ve been sleeping very well since my job has been over, but last night finally sleeping in my own bed (I love this mattress!) in my new home was probably the best I’ve slept in years. Bless.

📦 I’m not feeling in a big rush to unpack, but I’ll probably get started today. I’m so excited to start settling in and that I have the capacity to really make this place feel good and right for both of us.

🎴 YD and I hosted a little informal Lunar New Year gathering with some friends on Tuesday that was so lovely and sweet and perfect. We ate Korean snacks (from YD’s mom) and Asian bakery treats, YD made drinks, and we played with tarot to share about our lives going into the fire horse year. It left me feeling so loved, so grateful, so inspired, and so sure I am on the right path for me (finally after so many years of suffering through things that were never quite right). I love this life we’re all building together.

📑 YD and I are also a few steps closer to our legal entanglement! Picked up our marriage license last week and now on our final steps of drafting our prenup. I really never imagined I would get married for most of my life, but I’m so excited for our commitments to all that we’re building to be formalized and legally protected.

☃️ I’m so excited for another big snowstorm coming tomorrow and Monday!

💖 Hope you all are finding joy, light, hope, and love always. Even, especially, when things are dark and awful. Take care of yourself and each other. I love you all so much.

#This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for work things #This is the tag for boy stuff #This is the tag for moving #This is the tag for relationship anarchy

I AM DONE 🥹

#Scenes from my last two office days #This is the tag for work things #This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for pictures of me #This is the tag for nyc things

It’s my last week of work!!! 😱

#Still barely feels real but I’m so excited it will all be over soon!!#This is the tag for work things

🦷 I went to the dentist today for the first time in ~6 years and got an “honestly not that bad considering you haven’t been to a dentist in 6 years.” Feels like the first time ever I have not had cavities so feeling proud of myself for the significant improvements to my dental hygiene over the last several years (it is HARD when you are depressed and ND and just struggling to survive). They were also very nice about my fears of dentists and sensory troubles and used the numbing gel on my whole mouth before my cleaning. So I will go back in six months for the next cleaning like they asked.

🙃 My colleagues decided to throw me a going away thing on Tuesday. Which is nice in theory except now I have to stay at least an hour later at my office than I like to spend time with all of the people I really will not miss. I cannot wait until next week is over and I am done.

📦 Moving day is officially set with the movers booked! I’m so excited that all of my things will be here soon and I can turn my attention to making our home just the way we both want it to be. I miss my art a lot, in particular, and can’t wait to cover my bedroom walls in it here.

📚 It’s been a little bit of a slow time for reading lately. I really look forward to at least a few rest days in a row once I get done with my job and moving. YD is actually on a work trip in March will be very good timing for alone time with a lot of time for reading through my current giant stack of library books.

🫣 My (bio)family still doesn’t know about any of these big changes in my life. I vacillate all of the time on if I think I want to share things with them or not. I do not think they are bad people but they are not safe people to me.

💖 Wishing you all a lovely weekend that lifts your spirits, comforts for your soul, and refills your cup.

#A little five for Friday feels good for the soul today #And of course a bonus +1 to send love to you all #This is the tag for ND things #This is the tag for doctors #This is the tag for work things #This is the tag for boy stuff #This is the tag for family stuff #This is the tag for moving #This is the tag for adulting #This is the tag for days that are weird

🛏️ My room at YD’s my new apartment was very much in “long-term visit” mode. I did no furniture rearranging, his stuff still in the closet, limited clothing, etc. But I decided to do some early-stage move-in tasks today! YD was out as I decided to start moving his stuff out, and he was so happy to return to me getting settled and jumped right in to help me. I feel so loved and cared for and desired here. So excited to be 100% moved in here in a few more weeks!

🔗 I am beginning to work diligently creating bridges between all of the close people in my life to help connect them and empower them to build their own relationships with each other. It is deeply important to me in building the kind community I want to live in. The collectiveness and the autonomy at the core of relationship anarchy. It brings me joy to see people I love come to love and care for one another in the ways that feel authentic to them.

🙂‍↔️ I’ve been so happy all day not thinking about my job! And I got to talk to another close friend for the first time since I officially quit and it was so fun to have him be so happy for me. I’m so glad to be surrounded by people now who really see me and support me. I am so excited that soon I will have so much more time and energy to pour into loving and supporting my friends.

(😤 Two more weeks!!)

🎹 This weekend, neighbor bestie had a music recital (that her and her hobby chamber group all performed at) to celebrate her birthday. It was so cute and perfect and magical. I baked a (vegan) turmeric cake that was praised. Every person there was so present and joyous and full of love.

💖 And I think to myself, what a wonderful world. Even when it is so dark and terrible, too. I hope you all continue to find the light, the joy, the love, the magic.

#A little Six for Sunday I suppose #This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for relationship anarchy #This is the tag for boy stuff #This is the tag for dreaming of a better world #This is the tag for work things

Blessed snow day ❄️💖😌

#This is the tag for days that are good #This is the tag for snow #This is the tag for weather #This is the tag for pictures of me #This is the tag for Gemini the cat #This is the tag for boy stuff #This is the tag for cooking and baking

☃️ So far I have received notifications that my gym and the public libraries will be closed all day tomorrow. Seems like the storm warnings may be real! Hoping we get lots of good snow but also thinking of everyone who doesn’t have a safe place to go. Always hoping the beauty outweighs the pain.

🥞 There are still plans on my calendar to visit a friend for brunch tomorrow, but I am fairly sure they will be cancelled. But still playing it by ear for now because I really would like to see my friend if it’s not a terrible idea to go outside.

🏠 I still need to spend some time in my own apartment to pack and there will be movers to hire for some furniture relocation, but I am no longer planning to be living there! No more sleepovers with YD, because this is home now (though more officially will be home March 1st (with a friend taking over my current lease)). I’ve never felt so at home anywhere before. I am so so happy here.

⏳ This week has been SO fucking long. I can’t believe it was only five days ago that I had 15 tubes of my blood taken and three days ago that I had a total meltdown after a meeting ran to 6pm at work. Actually unsure how I am going to make it through three more weeks of work with my sanity in tact (and perhaps I won’t lol). But! So so SO glad there are only three more weeks until I am done forever!

💖 It’s easy to get lost in the darkness. Wishing you all light and love and joy even (especially) in the darkest times. Hope is a verb. Wishing us all the strength to practice it everyday. Stay warm. Stay safe. Stay committed to loving and looking out for one another. Goodnight, tumblr friends.

#This is the tag for weather #This is the tag for nyc things #This is the tag for boy stuff #This is the tag for work things #This is the tag for being exhausted #This is the tag for dreaming of a better world

Went to do my full panel of blood work this morning. They took FIFTEEN TUBES of my blood. Around probably number ten I started feeling nauseous, but I thought it was near the end so I didn’t say anything at first, but then I started to see stars and thought I may actually throw up if we kept going, so told the tech I was nauseous. Thankfully he was on the last tube then, so he got it done quickly and then had me put my head down and went and got me an ice pack for my neck. Feeling very surprised I did not actually faint. I am so tired now. I am also still feeling a bit lightheaded, even though I did manage to have some eggs and toast a little bit ago. Looking at the computer is also making me feel like I’m moments away from triggering a migraine. So I might just go take a nap and try again later (I have two more meetings this afternoon I can’t miss). There is definitely plenty of work for me to do today, but nothing that can’t wait one more day.

#Also had a mild panic attack last night because job anxiety which probs does not help the fatigue!#25 days until I am done with this job forever!!#This is the tag for doctors #This is the tag for being exhausted #This is the tag for work things

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Confessions of an Atelophobe