“You belong...” a series pt 2
i realized i forgot to give credit to the inspiration for this series. it is a letter written from one artist to another; Sol LeWitt to Eva Hesse. i have no idea who these artists are. i have no context of what they do or anything. a friend saw i was going through a difficult time and she sent me the letter. she forwarded the video of Benedict Cumberbatch reading it as well. i have listened to it every day. it has become my inspiration. i think about it, i’ve started memorizing it just from listening to it so often. i listen to it because it is true. Sol speaks truth and it is harsh but inspiring. he says to JUST DO. and as an over thinker i have never just done.
it’s funny. i am re-watching private practice. i have anxiety and i have been told that people who have anxiety tend to re-watch the same shows. i know what’s going to happen so it’s safe. it’s comfy and warm. anyway one of the characters is a traditional over thinker. and at the end of the episode she is talking to her ex husband and she is frustrated and she says, why am i the only one who ever THINKS about ANYTHING. and then she pauses and she basically jumps on him. she stopped thinking and she did what she wanted and she got what she wanted. and sure, she is made up, and Shonda Rhimes makes her characters do anything. but still, it made me think, maybe, maybe i could stop thinking for one second and just DO.
i was talking to two close friends this morning. they both just had babies. and i was listening to them talk. and one goes well god just gives you the grace when you don’t get enough sleep. and the other goes god is so good. he is the reason i had my child this way and why i got laid of work and blah blah blah. and i just don’t understand how god can be good and let bad things happen and choose who he is going to be good to. why does her baby get to be the miracle baby? the other friend wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to have kids and here she has a beautiful child. and all i can think is... okay so what about me. i have always been healthy but i am terrified that for some reason i am going to be the friend that can’t. that doesn’t get married. that can’t have kids. that gets the shit beat out of her continually just because not everyone gets a miracle.
Christian’s have a lot of audacity. the most i would say. another friend came into my shop and shared how her and her family do not wear masks. she told me how her daughter (5) told someone well jesus can heal you so you don’t need a mask. it makes me angry. ANGRY. to hear that. ya jesus can heal. and we have a teeny tiny little bible that shares a few stories of him healing people in one place in the world thousands of years ago. but you know what. i would guess that more christians die and don’t get a miracle then do. because if everyone got a miracle it wouldn’t be special. the audacity and arrogance you have to have to say something like that. we as humans don’t get to choose who gets a miracle. and when we pray and a miracle doesn’t happen we say well it was god’s plan. BUT WAS IT? did god plan for eve to eat an apple from a tree and to condemn us all to this pitiful life of pain and sadness. and if he did which he must have because he knows everything why go through with it? if you knew that you could make something and it would lead to billions of people being in pain and seeing little glimpses of light and joy would you still make it. or would you change it up. make something different. do it differently.
i want to throw up. right now i am trying to hold back tears and not puke. HOW. HOW DOES THIS WORK. and if we don’t get answers then why believe anything. why not just live our silly little meaningless lives. if god wants to do something he’ll do it. that’s what miracles are.
i’ve been seeing a lot of people talk about manifestations. and after growing up in a christian household and working for a missions organization i realized that praying and manifesting are basically the same thing. you are sending a hail marry out into the void hoping that something or someone will hear you and that it will happen. i have prayed since i was 11 for a husband. for an amazing man to walk into my life. and here i am 16 years later with nothing. actually less than nothing. i have been raped twice. i have had boys treat me with blatant disrespect and shown me that i am worth little more than a glance. and yet here i am repeating a manifestation or prayer or whatever you want to call it everyday hoping that some guy will be good enough.
and before everyone chimes in with the you don’t need a man bullshit. i know. I KNOW. i am a strong independent, hot, amazing, talented, gorgeous, funny, creative woman. i know i don’t NEED a man. but guess what. i want a man. i want someone to grow old with and laugh with. i want someone to give a shit about me and i want to give a shit about someone. i want to argue and scream at each other and realize that we could never leave because of how much we love and want to be together. i want it. i don’t need it.