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[myshiro1993]

Seen

i have since stopped watching that video everyday. but i still get bits of it throughout the day. be AMAZINg. JUST DO. all of that jazz. and honestly, its helped. 

the last couple of days i have felt SEEN. i usually feel overlooked. or like i don’t do a good enough job to be seen. but a boy came into the shop and asked me out. and we went out and it was great. but i was also able to create a boundary of friendship. then a different person i had been on a date with knew i had a busy day and he sent me cookies. 

NO BOY I HAVE EVER DATED BEEN ON A DATE WITH has ever given me anything. but he sent me cookies. all of my favorite kind. 

and to make things even more overwhelming. one of our artisans listened to one of my ideas. made something and then gifted it to me. im speechless with how the last week has gone. it’s new and awkward but i feel SEEN and cared for and appreciated in ways i didn’t know i was missing.

therapy has been working. becoming comfortable with myself. letting myself be me. it’s all working. and none of this has been daisies and rainbows. and i know there is a lot of work still left. but these little glimpses of sunshine are magic. 

[myshiro1993]

“You belong...” a series pt 2

i realized i forgot to give credit to the inspiration for this series. it is a letter written from one artist to another; Sol LeWitt to Eva Hesse. i have no idea who these artists are. i have no context of what they do or anything. a friend saw i was going through a difficult time and she sent me the letter. she forwarded the video of Benedict Cumberbatch reading it as well. i have listened to it every day. it has become my inspiration. i think about it, i’ve started memorizing it just from listening to it so often. i listen to it because it is true. Sol speaks truth and it is harsh but inspiring. he says to JUST DO. and as an over thinker i have never just done. 

it’s funny. i am re-watching private practice. i have anxiety and i have been told that people who have anxiety tend to re-watch the same shows. i know what’s going to happen so it’s safe. it’s comfy and warm. anyway one of the characters is a traditional over thinker. and at the end of the episode she is talking to her ex husband and she is frustrated and she says, why am i the only one who ever THINKS about ANYTHING. and then she pauses and she basically jumps on him. she stopped thinking and she did what she wanted and she got what she wanted. and sure, she is made up, and Shonda Rhimes makes her characters do anything. but still, it made me think, maybe, maybe i could stop thinking for one second and just DO. 

i was talking to two close friends this morning. they both just had babies. and i was listening to them talk. and one goes well god just gives you the grace when you don’t get enough sleep. and the other goes god is so good. he is the reason i had my child this way and why i got laid of work and blah blah blah. and i just don’t understand how god can be good and let bad things happen and choose who he is going to be good to. why does her baby get to be the miracle baby? the other friend wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to have kids and here she has a beautiful child. and all i can think is... okay so what about me. i have always been healthy but i am terrified that for some reason i am going to be the friend that can’t. that doesn’t get married. that can’t have kids. that gets the shit beat out of her continually just because not everyone gets a miracle. 

Christian’s have a lot of audacity. the most i would say. another friend came into my shop and shared how her and her family do not wear masks. she told me how her daughter (5) told someone well jesus can heal you so you don’t need a mask. it makes me angry. ANGRY. to hear that. ya jesus can heal. and we have a teeny tiny little bible that shares a few stories of him healing people in one place in the world thousands of years ago. but you know what. i would guess that more christians die and don’t get a miracle then do. because if everyone got a miracle it wouldn’t be special. the audacity and arrogance you have to have to say something like that. we as humans don’t get to choose who gets a miracle. and when we pray and a miracle doesn’t happen we say well it was god’s plan. BUT WAS IT? did god plan for eve to eat an apple from a tree and to condemn us all to this pitiful life of pain and sadness. and if he did which he must have because he knows everything why go through with it? if you knew that you could make something and it would lead to billions of people being in pain and seeing little glimpses of light and joy would you still make it. or would you change it up. make something different. do it differently. 

i want to throw up. right now i am trying to hold back tears and not puke. HOW. HOW DOES THIS WORK. and if we don’t get answers then why believe anything. why not just live our silly little meaningless lives. if god wants to do something he’ll do it. that’s what miracles are. 

i’ve been seeing a lot of people talk about manifestations. and after growing up in a christian household and working for a missions organization i realized that praying and manifesting are basically the same thing. you are sending a hail marry out into the void hoping that something or someone will hear you and that it will happen. i have prayed since i was 11 for a husband. for an amazing man to walk into my life. and here i am 16 years later with nothing. actually less than nothing. i have been raped twice. i have had boys treat me with blatant disrespect and shown me that i am worth little more than a glance. and yet here i am repeating a manifestation or prayer or whatever you want to call it everyday hoping that some guy will be good enough. 

and before everyone chimes in with the you don’t need a man bullshit. i know. I KNOW. i am a strong independent, hot, amazing, talented, gorgeous, funny, creative woman. i know i don’t NEED a man. but guess what. i want a man. i want someone to grow old with and laugh with. i want someone to give a shit about me and i want to give a shit about someone. i want to argue and scream at each other and realize that we could never leave because of how much we love and want to be together. i want it. i don’t need it. 

[myshiro1993]

“You belong in the most secret part of you”- a series

this year has been an interesting one. you dated 2 boys and went on dates with so many others. you tried out a friends with benefits and he ended up raping you. you started therapy. you graduated with an associates. you lived through (hopefully) a global pandemic. you helped start a thriving candy shop with your parents. you started crocheting. you started talking to the man you've dreamt about for the last 8 years and might actually start something with him. you lost weight and are getting in shape. you're currently in the 160′s. you have never been prouder of yourself. 

yet this morning, as you were driving to work, you realized something. you have never stuck with anything. sure you have learned lots of things and tried different things. but you have never stuck with anything permanently. granted you have tattoos. but no music, no art, no hobbies that you always do. i dont know if that is bad or good. you have solid friendships with people. and honestly you have a great relationship with your family members. but you’ve always had a habit of wandering from one thing to the next. i mean take this, when was the last time you journal-ed? just look, the last entry is from a long time ago. and it is so angry. it’s so full of hurt and anger and hate. which isn’t bad. it’s okay to be angry. it’s okay to be hurt. it’s okay. and look. you’ve grown. today you are dancing to nat king cole in the shop. like... things have gotten better. 

now the trick is to get to know yourself. why do you jump from one thing to the next. why are you scared of commitment. why do you get all hot and bothered when you think of someone tying you up and hitting your ass with a belt till you cry? what is that. i know there are things that you want to try. things you want to do. things you would never do because you’ve always been to scared to try. learning the guitar. you always stop because you’re scared. waiting to date someone who actually values you. taking pictures of yourself and posting them. sharing about your life in groups. telling people to fuck off. having sex. wearing sparkly clothes and winged eyeliner. there are so many silly little things you have always wanted to do but you don’t. I GIVE YOU PERMISSION. I give YOU permission to do all of the things you want to do. buy the car. go on the trip. kiss the man. have sex with caleb. move to philly. get the dog. and the other dog. and fuck it the cat too. surround yourself with people you want to be around. smoke the weed. eat the cake. run the mile. read the book. try the new hobby. 

JUST DO IT.

[myshiro1993]

What would you do if you could do it all over.

I am sitting here listening to a musical. If/Then. It is beautiful and tragic and joyful all at the same time. And one song asks, What would you do if you could do it all over. 

I was crying before but now I am sobbing. 

What if I could redo it all. 

Everything. 

Just start over with a clean slate. 

I didn’t know I could be this unhappy. But still have no reason to be unhappy. Is that what depression is? Not understanding or having a reason for wanting to cry all the time. Constantly feeling like you have to stop and just tell yourself to breathe. 

I feel like that was my intention with this whole, going to school at 25 thing. I guess I thought maybe I could restart. I knew I had lost 6 years and really thats only like an 13th of my life. But when I think about it, I won’t graduate till I am 29. And if I am still single, then I won’t have kids till I’m over 30. And then when I do have kids it will be right when I started my real grown up job. And then I’ll have to quit and stay home with them. And then I won’t be able to do anything until they graduate. And then I’ll be over 50. And like that my life will be over. And I know that I am snowballing. I know. But I feel like a massive failure. I feel un-adept at everything I try. 

[myshiro1993]

Here I am again. Sitting at work. Totally miserable. Why? I have absolutely no reason to feel this way. I am a 25 year old white female who has been given every opportunity in life. I have traveled the world. I have made friends from every continent. I have seen more than most people could in their whole lives. And yet here I sit. I feel totally alone. 

Today started off great. I woke up, showered, drove to pick up my friend. We got smoothies and went hiking. We took pictures. We laughed. We had a great time. So, what happened? I went into work and this person berated me for not listening to the news. He asked me what the top three news stories were. I did not have an answer. I had not looked at my phone hardly at all. I had not read any headlines. I had barely listened to music. It was my first morning off in forever. I didn’t know. For some reason, that made me a failure. That made me useless. That made me stupid and irrelevant. That made it okay for him to treat me the way he did. I have never felt so frustrated. There was no reason or point to make me feel so small. To make me feel so irrelevant. Useless. I get that enough in my life. Hardly a day passes by where I end it thinking, you did a good job. Well done. I don’t remember the last time that happened. And now in my place of work I have someone who feels it is necessary to treat me with such disdain and disrespect. I never asked for his help. I never asked for advice. He is not my boss. He called me into his office and then proceeded to give me this wisdom like he was on Mount Olympus helping a weak and feeble human. 

So what do I do know? Do I write the stories he asked for. Outside of actual work. Do I do it and prove that he has the capability of controlling me. Or do I ignore him. The last thing I want is to turn into someone great and give him the satisfaction of saying, I did that. I turned this girl into who she is. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to quit. I can’t fight back. Fighting back plays into his hand. And I don’t want to quit. 

When your boss asks how it went when this person pulls you into their office. And you have to say fine while fighting back tears. And then your boss has to say, remember I’m your boss, not him. THAT IS A PROBLEM. That is bullying that is unfair that is not a safe work environment. It isn’t fair that someone should have to tell me that. That he thinks I would feel so threatened by a 5 minute conversation that he would have to remind me that I don’t work for the mean man that just yelled at me. What the fuck. How is that acceptable. How is that okay. 

So here I sit 7 hours later still crying. Still raging. Alone. Balling at work. 

[myshiro1993]

Thoughts 3/1/2019

Alright here it goes. I am going to start writing everything I am feeling. In a ridiculous attempt to make myself feel better about my life. 

I think I am depressed. Like honestly, really depressed. Like, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know why people pray. I don’t know why I pray. I don’t feel like if God was real I would be where I am right now. Why am I here. Why am I not a Somalian Refugee. Why did I spend so much time in ministry and end up bitter and tired and frustrated. Why does everyone want to talk and visit with Marci, but nobody asks me to come over for dinner. Noone wants to get coffee with me. Noone checks in with me. No one cares about what I am doing. I feel like I wasted three years of my life. I feel like I worked so hard on being nice and trying to put myself out there and make friends and I have nothing left to show for it. I have no friends. I kind of have Marci. Kind of. I don’t have people all over the world. I don’t keep up with people and they don’t keep up with me. And it all makes me beg the question, WHY THE FUCK. What is the fucking point of any of this. Why did I spend so much time and energy doing something like this. Why did I not just go to school. I could be married. I could be happy. I could have had meaningful relationships. I would not be struggling with money. I would not be living with my parents. I could pay someone to do my FUCKING taxes. I would not have to feel bad about swearing or drinking or doing drugs because I am a Christian and I am not supposed to. Why the fuck not. Why can’t I do what I want. Why do I constantly say no. Why do I consistently hold myself back from things. 

For one sex. Why I am so scared of having fucking sex. Why am I so uncomfortable seeing myself as a sexual being. Why can’t I get over the fact that I am 25 years old and a grown ass woman who is allowed to have sex. With a man or a woman. It actually doesn’t matter. And for that point if I believe in the God that I do, it really doesn’t fucking matter. I have waited my whole fucking life for God to send some fucking man in armor to my side. I thought that I would just see this man for the first time and fucking know. That’s him. That’s the man I am going to marry. WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. That apparently isn’t what happens in real life. AT ALL. Like not even a little bit. Instead what happens is guys tell you about a time in seventh grade that you fingered your girlfriend on a fucking bouncy castle. Guess what... GROSS. Also no one anywhere ever wants to ever know that ever. In any fucking world. 

People say that I am so nice. So great. You are amazing. I just love you. You are beautiful. But then I have never had a meaningful relationship. I have had three close friends in my whole life. More often than not people just disappear. I stop seeing them or talking to them. They don’t want to hang out and then we are separated. Gone. And I am, once again, back to being alone. I don’t know why I am still phased by it. I am always alone. I have been alone for so long now, that thinking about not being alone seems scarier than being alone. That is not okay. That is an unhealthy thought.

Or is it? Why is it unhealthy? Is that just what I have been taught. In the same way that I have been taught that if I have sex outside of marriage I am dirty and unclean. In the same way I have been taught that the man is the leader. That I should be held back for some reason. That someone somewhere should be able to decide my life. I am so sick of learning all of these things that are shattering my worldview. I grew up knowing that I knew so many things. I knew that God was real. I knew that I was going to have a good life. I knew that I was going to be married and have kids. I knew I was going to do something, something grand that nobody else could ever possibly do. But guess what. I grew up believing BULLSHIT. 

I guess I still believe God is real. I think it scares me to much to not believe that he is real. I believe in Jesus. I don’t know why I still do. But I do. Again, because without that, I have nothing. I legitimately have nothing. It terrifies me to think that he could possibly not be real. That is how grounded I am. It terrifies me to think that there could not be a heaven. That once you die you’re done. There is nothing after. It terrifies me that people are so set in believing that Jesus isn’t who he said he was. 

So I guess I do believe in Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit. I know in my heart of hearts the Trinity is real. I know that. But I guess I am just so tired. I am tired of never being able to not doubt. I am tired of always being the put together one. I am tired of never having a day off. I am tired of feeling guilty for having lustful thoughts or for masturbating. I am tired of feeling all alone in this world and community full of Christians. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the only single one. I am tired of being looked at with pity. I am SO FUCKING TIRED.