NEXT STOP: QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

[chrisflemingfleming]

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a compilation of me getting slapped on After Midnight

[neil-gaiman]

In excruciating detail, what is the entire plot of the unreleased second season of the hit show Good Omens?

I'm so glad someone has finally asked me. Crowley and Aziraphale, who in this season are both undertakers in Birmingham, and their wives, Dottie and Sadie, go on holiday together to the South of France. The boys get very drunk at a wine tasting, and their wives have to bring them home to the hotel, where Aziraphale (still drunk) puts on the gorilla costume he finds in a closet. Imagine Crowley's shock, when he sees a gorilla climbing out of the window of the hotel! Now, it just so happens that a master spy who looks exactly like Aziraphale hid the microfilm plans for a missile in Crowley's bathroom, and has returned to obtain the microfilm, which is hidden in a book of naughty seaside postcards that Dottie found earlier and threw out of the window. When the police turn up looking for the gorilla, they find the master spy but think it's actually Aziraphale. Fortunately Sadie realises that the pineapple-shaped birthmark has vanished from Aziraphale's left elbow which means that he's an imposter and she and Dottie set out to rescue him in his gorilla costume from the circus that he's been sold to by an unscrupulous animal welfare centre operative. And then there are lots of cats and horses. The end. It's really good.

[elizabthbcnks]

Elizabeth Banks for The New York Times

[mysmilesarifle]

girls i like on bikes: part 14

[dotstronaut]

Did anybody else watch Showpig by Chris Fleming? Just me? Okay I’ll just laugh at this joke forever by myself, it’s ok.

Newt: What do I do? Crowley, without thinking: You chug it. Anathema: Hun, no.

[humansofnewyork]

“I come from Iran.  Twenty years ago I went through a bad break-up, and afterwards I went to the top of a mountain to think.  There I found a pack of hungry dogs.  I bought some chicken and began to feed them.  They wagged their tails.  There was happiness in their eyes.  And that was enough for me.  I began to come back once a week.  Then three times a week.  And I started to learn about the terrible life of dogs in my country.  Some of the dogs began to disappear, and people would tell me the municipality had killed them.  That’s when I decided to create the first dog shelter in Tehran.  I ran it alone for fourteen years.  I had to buy the food, pay the salaries, nobody would help.  Many people in Islam think that dogs are unclean.  It was very difficult.  At the time I owned a shop selling tires, and half of my income went to the shelter.  I grew very depressed.  Our shelter could only handle one hundred dogs, but 10,000 were being killed every year.  It wore me down.  I didn’t have the energy for it.  Two years ago I handed off the shelter to a brave young girl, and I moved to Canada.  I’m working as a barber now.  But I still send money to the shelter.  And every day I come to this bench and feed the squirrels.” (Montreal, Canada)

[mysmilesarifle]

TELL ME WHERE TO SEND MY DOLLARS

[gothicprep]

obamacare BANNED all dog shampoo and now obama is in my home rubbing mud on my dog. he’s rubbing mud on my dog and laughing

[sirfrogsworth]

(Sound is very much required on this one.)

Sometimes food is so darn tasty you gotta sing its praises.

AWOOOOO! 

ʷᵒᵒ

[burning-mind]

@ramblingmillennial

[humansofnewyork]

“Honestly I just fell into it.  I started as an engineering major.  Then one night I was slaving over my physics homework, while my roommate sipped tea on the couch and read a novel.  So I decided to be an English major like her.  Ten years later I’m working as a copywriter at an advertising agency.  You know that feeling when you’re pulling into the driveway, but you can’t remember anything about your ride home?  That’s a bit how it feels.  Like I blinked and I’m eight years down a career path that I just sort of fell into.  There’s plenty to be grateful for.  It’s a good enough job.  I’m not living paycheck to paycheck.  I can afford to have fun and take vacations.  But my job is not my passion.  And every story you see elevated on social media is: ‘I loved this thing.  It became my passion.  And then it became my career.’  There’s not many people saying: ‘My job isn’t my passion, but I love mountain biking on the weekends.  And that’s enough for me.’  I think the feeling I’m trying to resolve is a sense of ‘enoughness.’ There’s so much I love about my life, but I spend most of my time at work.  Is it OK to get my joy outside of work?  Or does my passion need to be tied to my livelihood and a sense of responsibility?” (Toronto, Canada)

[neil-gaiman]

Hello Neil! What do you think, what does Pestilence do in retirement?

Spends a lot of time on the internet ranting about vaccines.

[thedogist]

Buster, Lakeland Terrier (1 y/o), Charles & Greenwich St., New York, NY • “I had Welsh Terriers and I thought I’d get a Lakeland for a change, thinking they would be similar. His energy is totally off the charts. Welsh Terriers are more relaxed. I say he has wonderful ‘selective deafness’. He wants his way if he can.”

[aimmyarrowshigh]

[ninenine-brooklyn]

[bestdogmemes]

[humansofnewyork]

“My grandmother was the first in our family to discover it.  One day she joined a meditation in the park.  She was taking so many medications at the time, but she threw them all away and never took another trip to the hospital.  That was before the crackdown.  At one time were one hundred million followers of Falun Gong in China.  It’s a peaceful religion.  But the following grew too big.  Our teacher seemed like a threat to the government.  They said crazy things on state media.  They called it a cult.  They said we’re terrorists and that we kill our parents.  They began to arrest us.  They even harvested our organs.  I know it sounds crazy, but you can Google it.  We tried to resist.  We practiced inside our home.  We secretly handed out fliers to push back against the propaganda.  But they caught me on camera.  Everywhere there are cameras.  They followed me to my home.  They shoved me in their car.  For eight months I was in detention.  The first thing they did was take a sample of my blood.  For hours every day they put us in a room and forced us to watch television about how to be a good citizen.  If anyone looked away, the whole group was punished.  Eventually my family bribed the court with huge money and they let me go.  But for three years I had to write a letter every month saying that I am a guilty person.  When my probation ended, I left the country.”

[humansofnewyork]

“When it starts to get crowded, I’ll leave.  Because I can’t stand the looks.  You know how many people were gonna sit on that bench over there, but decided against it, because of what’s sitting right here?  I drank myself into homelessness.  So I’m not looking for violins or tissues.  But I used to be in the mainstream.  I was somebody once, and people used to look at me without any barriers or animosity.  I can tell you this: when John Lennon sings ‘Imagine,’ it’s complete bullshit.  He was living in the Dakota when he wrote that, overlooking Central Park.  Imagine no possessions?  He should have written a song about all the wonderful things that he had.  Imagine nothing to live or die for?  No Yoko?  No career?  No child?  No fame?  No status?  Well here I am.  There’s no peace here.”

[incorrect-harry-potter-quotes]

“Dear Diary, My teen angst bullshit has a body count.”

— Tom Riddle [age 16, probably]

[chauiee]

Feinstein: You’re a big, powerful man. Why didn’t you [gestures pushing motion]?

Crews: Senator, as a black man in America [sigh]…

Feinstein: Say it as it is. I think it’s important.

Crews: …you only have a few shots at success. You only have a few chances to make yourself a viable member of the community. I’m from Flint, Michigan. I have seen many many young black men who were provoked into violence, and they were imprisoned, or they were killed, and they’re not here. My wife for years prepared me. She said, “If you ever get goaded, if you ever get prodded, if you ever have anyone try to push you into any kind of situation, don’t do it. Don’t be violent.” And she trained me. I’ll be honest with you it was the strength of my wife who trained me and told me, “If this situation happens, let’s leave.” And the training worked because I did not go into my first reaction, I grabbed her hand, we left, but the next day I went right to the agency. I have texts, I have phone conversations, and I said, “This is unacceptable!” And I told them how -you know- I almost got violent, but I didn’t. And I said, “What are you going to do about this predator that you have roaming your hallways?” And -you know- I was told, “We are going to do everything in our power. We are going to handle this Terry. You’re right. It is unacceptable.” And then they disappeared. Nothing happened.