My So-Called Borderline Life

Education, advocacy, latest research and media on BPD - with some personal experiences as well. 

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

BPD Fire

Every time I turn to therapy (DBT), or care - I feel like I’m set on fire and left to burn while the therapists are standing there with water.

I get the fire put out... I ask for help again, and I’m set on fire.

Over and over again.

It hurts too much to get care and it hurts too much to not. Everyone will always cause me pain.

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

You took all my words away - so you could stay comfortable, and threw me into hell.

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

Based on my experience, no one is going to pull you out of the fire. If you make a mistake - head down the wrong path, you’re on your own with all the consequences strapped to your back. Don’t expect anyone *anyone* - any provider, family member, friend... anyone to ease your load.

You’ve got to learn how to drop them yourself.

You’re the only one who can change your life - your thoughts, your fears, all those emotions rattling around in your head. 

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

I’m tired of screaming into the wind for help. 

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

BPD Article

https://mdedge-files-live.s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/files/s3fs-public/Document/September-2017/0404CP_Article1.pdf

Good explainer

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

BPD Origins

I have the feeling... that if I fell down, my family would laugh at me rather than help me up.

That exemplifies my life experience w them.

And I’m guessing that real or perceived invalidation could be the root cause of my BPD... or the origins of it... from my family of origins...

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

Coronavirus - Vent

I need to vent somewhere and I can’t do it on any other account (not about MH stuff). Based on my background, I’ve been following the coronavirus story from the beginning.

And I’ve been able to take it seriously- and be able to digest the media and experts. (I’m media.) I got a few masks, early - not a lot. Just in case... and if needed for my work.

Then I stocked up on frozen food and cold meds - basic “if we can’t leave the house and we’re sick stuff” last week. Today, I got more canned goods so we can start social distancing now. And I’ll be getting some perishable stuff tomorrow.

Here’s my thing. My dad is in his 80’s and he’s still going to the Y and the Walmart. My sister is one of those people who thinks just because she’s not sick, or won’t get sick - she’s fine. And she thinks her essential oils are going to keep her healthy. And she has done *nothing* to help me prepare to help w Dad. He’s healthy otherwise.

But I am *exhausted* from being the one who sees it. I’m tired of it. This is my role. This happened w my mom’s cancer.

And - my sister moved home to “help w dad.” And she doesn’t do anything because of the way she helps people - the way she *wants* to - not how they need it. I’m trapped here because she just lives her life just like she wants to. I’m tired of this family. If this pandemic doesn’t kill us, I’m out.

That’s all. I know we’re all struggling now. Hopefully you can lean on people for support. We need community now more than ever.

And having to be around the family that made you BPD is hell.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

How to Turn off Negative Thoughts

1. Notice when you are slipping into negative, absolutist ways of thinking where you think the worst of yourself, your life and your future.

2. Recognise that these are habitual ways of thinking. It’s what you always think when you start to feel bad.

3. Be aware of triggers. Often certain people and situations trigger painful, negative self-destructive thoughts. Try and distance yourself from these, or completely avoid them, if you possibly can.

4. Deliberately look for the counter arguments. For example, when have things been a bit better, when have you done something right, when has someone been kind and understanding?

5. Visualise positive things that make you happy, such as curling up with a book in bed, listening to your favourite music, and so on. Often changing our thinking to things that make us happy changes our negative feelings and thoughts.

6. Get into the habit of building yourself up, so you notice and affirm your successes, strengths, good intentions and positive traits.

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

Help - Hardest BPD Thing

I don’t know if this is specific to BPD people - but have you all had the lingering tug - like your entire life, that you needed help... that something wasn’t right, that you didn’t fit or things are especially *hard* - or you know you’re suffering at the most extreme times, and feel off in the easiest times... and because you appear competent, people don’t help - or think you’re exaggerating, or don’t understand the help you need?

That, my entire life. 

And, I’m tired. No one will be able to really help me - see *me* - be willing to move out of their comfort to see my needs - and *help me.*

I thought my former therapist really saw me. I was wrong. 

It all feels rather hopeless that I’ll ever feel like I fit anywhere - even with myself because of the perpetual pushback from people when I think I’m articulating something...and still, they don’t understand. So that makes me question myself even...I must be wrong if they don’t understand. I don’t even know my DBT wise mind consistently because of the pushback.

This is the hardest thing about BPD for me. It’s not the emotions, the intense anxiety that seems like it wants to cripple me, or the intense sadnesses that seems to wants to end me, or the intense anger that seems to want to destroy me, or... it’s this: no one understands me. 

No one will help me - *me.*

That will be what kills me. 

It’s already gnawed at me for what feels like a lifetime - I see the scars... feel the bits of me gone... know the losses... maybe starting when I was young - really young...that whole sensitivity thing with continual invalidation... that bit that as a child you cry out and your parents don’t legitimize your emotions that then makes you develop BPD, for example - to various degrees. 

That. 

I’m tired of that. 

It’s tortuous. Some days be like - fuck them, I’ll show them - blah blah anger anger... and then...whether it’s from low blood sugar or not enough caffeine or my period coming up...  just let go because - really, does it even matter?... no one will ever get it. And they’re right. I don’t fit within society or community and I’m left to sit in my funk - my feces... my shit - for a lifetime. 

And, they walk by. 

That’s the hardest part of BPD for me. 

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

This is interesting, re: emotion regulation. Also talks about ACT.

Why procrastination is about managing emotions, not time

Address the real reasons you procrastinate and you’re more likely to start achieving your goals.

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

Borderline Personality Disorder: Everyone has it but no one wants to give it attention.

Mental health disorders have plagued society for eons; yet a certain personality disorder remains virtually unbeknownst.

Not sure I’ve shared this before... it’s older. Still, here.

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

Twitter Was a Bust

Yeah - my Twitter experiment didn’t go well. 

I’m good with keeping myself within my values on my own Twitter account - not reacting. I’ve been able to establish a pattern of behavior there that matches my profession.

But - oy, the Twitter world with an alias... that got me totally dysregulated. I have opinions - lots of opinions. I’ve researched stuff and I’m willing to call out the stuff that I see. And since I’m not ID’ing myself fully on my personal account - not talking about my “lived experience” there, I was willing to do it with the other one... boldly and sometimes brashly: letting my anger fire full tilt. 

It didn’t go well. 

So, I’m deactivating that account. 

I’ve never liked Twitter. I can’t believe how people talk with each other, to each other. I can’t believe how people talk about each other. And, while I don’t do that as “me,” I did it as mysocalledborderline. I got wrapped up in telling my story as well as proving how wronged I’ve been. And - I’ve been wronged. And, it didn’t help that I haven’t had support in the last 1.5 years...and that was because of the MH system. All of it. Ugh. 

That said, I did learn a lot on there, sort of. I got a good sense of what appears to the pulse of the internal goings-on in MH; it’s not just me suffering. There’s a lot of suffering. People are hurting.

While that camaraderie can be helpful within a community, I think it goes rogue in social media (esp Twitter). And I don’t like it. I don’t like who we are as a society in it. I don’t like who I am in it. And - it’s not who I am usually. I’m usually the one who takes the higher view, reads the situation from a step back - calls out the injustices and inconsistencies while not getting in the weeds to do battle. 

(I’ve also lost a lot of respect for a few MH people after how I see them using the MH system to push what they want to do - what makes *them* comfortable,  while leaving the suffering behind...as if part of a movement within MH to protect providers rather than care... As I see it: there’s an inauthenticity afoot; I don’t like it. And I’m not willing to engage in it and approve of it.) 

While I can read a situation and am able to cut someone with a vengeance - defend deeply, immerse myself in self righteousness, this isn’t how I choose to fight (advocate)

Staying here on the tumblr - 

Be kind to one another. We’re all going through hard times, and one-upping doesn’t mean you’ll hurt less. 

[readersperspective]

We write for the same reason that we walk, talk, climb mountains or swim the oceans - because we can. We have some impulse within us that makes us want to explain ourselves to other human beings. That’s why we paint, that’s why we dare to love someone - because we have the impulse to explain who we are.

Maya Angelou, US-American author and civil rights fighter (via readersperspective)

[mothersofmyheart-deactivated202]

I try to teach clients that suppressing what you want is not the way to go. You have to radically accept that you want something, you don’t have it, and it’s not a catastrophe.

Marsha Linehan on Radical Acceptance  (via mothersofmyheart)

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

Anxiety & Fire

Wowza, it’s been a tough go lately. Still looking for a new therapist... in. the. weeds. And I don’t have a machete to help clear the way. It’s thick in here! Spent yesterday immobilized by extreme anxiety - doubled over with stomach symptoms, intense fear, impeding doom... after trying to DBT distract and opposite action - tried watching netflix, going for a walk, taking the untrimmed Christmas tree to the curb - I puked. 

This new rolling anxiety is intense. It’s grounded in an existential crisis that is deeper for me. It’s not just: what does it all mean. It’s: my life is half over, I have no one, life means nothing, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE - I’m going to suffer alone, vulnerable and death - oy. This new fear of death is like nothing I’ve felt before. A lot. Intense. I rode it out trying my best with skills. It wasn't that successful. The waves kept coming. Everything was triggering it: every single thing. It’s sweeping this anxiety is. Large crashing waves - and I’m not a good swimmer.

Then, yesterday evening, I got a call from the one therapist saying to work with the other therapist. About 30 minutes later, my anxiety dissipated. The one therapist made me more anxious when we met. The other, more calm. But it’s more complicated than that. The one seemed more change oriented. The other had said to meet with the one and discuss my anxiety with her. And that’s what may have sent me over the edge: the other - the one who I thought had heard me when no one else in the world is willing to - is blowing me off... or so it seemed. 

And the idea of working with the one - man, nope - too much there with all of the global rejection in my life. I think she’s too much change (or represents it).

So, when she bailed, and I could hold in my mind that the other was going to be the one... ahh...relief. It was pretty amazing. I’ve packed up all of my worry thoughts to discuss with him. He’ll help me with it. He’ll hear me. He’ll work with me.

The potential hiccup: he hasn’t said he’ll work with me. The email I got from him today: I’m busy today. I’ll get back with you tomorrow. 

Uh-oh. What the fuck does that mean? It means he’s not willing to say - sure, sounds great... talk soon. It means he has something more serious to say and he has to collect his thoughts to say it. And that could mean he’s not willing to work with me. I’m too much. 

Nope. Not going there. Not today... 

So - another thing... fire. I responded to a tweet about DBT by making a connection to fire... and I think it’s helping me - high level. I’m a high level thinker... I need to understand the why's. I explained DBT like this - wait, first, this isn’t necessarily an original thought. Ursula Whiteside has done videos and talked about putting out the fire with skills... So, fire: DBT skills help us learn how to put out the fires.

If we think about when the emotions fire, when we get dysregulated and overcome by emotions as being *in* a fire (also kind of goes back to Marsha’s idea of being in hell)... DBT helps teach us how to put them out, how to emotionally regulate, learn distress tolerance... And then, after we learn how to put the fires out - we’re certified firefighters, as it were... we can go back and learn more about how the fires started... we can learn about the traumas... the things that set our emotions off... so we can make sure those hot spots don’t flare up again. 

I’m back home in a very invalidating environment - a lot - a lot of fire potential. I am in the point of origin of my fires... My trauma happened here - the multilayered trauma and also all the stuff that went with my establishing BPD (if you believe in the premise behind BPD). So I’m constantly putting them out. Some days, I can catch them earlier  - when I’m more vulnerable and feeling less validating I lose control of them and they burn big.

I’m going to try to ID the triggers with this analogy so I can see the fires starting to catch. Thing happens: my sister is seemingly invalidating - whoops, potential fire... see it. Snuffed out with a DBT skill (or just awareness).

Fingers crossed that other therapist will work with me. Please send good vibes and whatever you believe in. I need a break right now, y’all. 

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

Borderline Personality Disorder Explained - Best Day Psychiatry & Counseling

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is one of the most misunderstood and misdiagnosed mental health conditions.

“It [BPD] occurs in the context of relationships. Unlike other psychiatric diagnoses, if you put someone with schizophrenia on an island all by themselves, their mental illness would still be evident. If you put someone with BPD on an island, you wouldn’t necessarily see the symptoms—whatever happens, happens in the context of [interacting] with someone else.” This was definitely true when I was younger - I used to crave being alone, not having to deal with anyone...and thought about moving to the woods to write. But as I’m facing a lot of anxiety right now, if I were to be too isolated, it would make me mad - as in crazy. My thoughts are cannibalizing me. 

[mysocalledborderlinelife]

DBT Skills Sunday

This week I’m going to remind myself of something that’s not really a skill - but it works for me and I think it encompasses several: Open Heart & Mind. There’s something about the stance that helps curb my anxiety. I think it’s got a tad of Willingness, Participate, Turn the mind, Nonjudgmental, Opposite Action, and some Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills as well. The way it looks for me is to approach situations openly. I find I’m most dysregulated when I start to feel trapped or defensive - willful even. It’s all connected. For example, I might be feeling anxious but I’m also hungry and have no food in the house. I don’t want to go out and get anything but I know I have to eat. I could do one of several things. I could give into my anxiety and not eat - maybe even take a med to knock myself out - which is probably going to make me feel worse, or I could go out and get something to eat and scoot back home - trying to avoid anything that make me uncomfortable which will probably make me feel grumpy and worse, or I could move with an open heart and mind and embrace my experience of going to get food.  When I do that last thing, I feel better. 

It’s hard for me to remember to do that last thing. But I’m going to call on it this week, as much as possible. 

When I start to feel my brain go down my anxiety...and angry...and frightened pathway, I’m going to realign and open myself up to whatever I’m doing - approach it openly and see how it goes. That could mean fully participating in the experience, nonjudgmentally - and being open to having to sit next to someone on the bus who annoys me, for example - or being open to having to wait in a line at the store - or even having to stand in the rain: all of is part of the experience and I’m open to it...whatever may come.  I already did it today - going over to my sister’s house for breakfast and spending time with my family. Sharing meals has become stressful for me so I kept realigning myself to being open and engaging...recognizing the anxiety and turning to being open to whatever comes - and fully participating. Then I offered to help my sister with an errand because it’s within my values to help people and I embraced the experience with openness and it was enjoyable. 

Give it a try and let me know how it goes for you. 

(Also, I’m going to read the entire Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills chapter in Marsha’s manual. I did that module the least in my DBT skills groups - of dropping out and find new ones, I hit that one the least. And I probably need the most help with those, because - well, people...)