If I should die before I wake

[azspot]

nakedpastor: keep your big mouth shut

[mysoultokeep]

Photoshoot to inaugurate Chase's fancy new camera.  Also: new haircut! :D

[unapologetically-human]

Don’t listen to those people who suggest you should be “over it” by now. The people who squawk the loudest about such things have almost never had to get over anything. Or at least not anything that was genuinely, mind-fuckingly, soul-crushingly life altering. Some of those people believe they’re being helpful by minimizing your pain. Others are scared of the intensity of your hurt and so they use their words to push your grief away. Many of those people love you and are worthy of your love, but they are not the people who will be helpful to you when it comes to healing the pain.

Cheryl Strayed  (via holzers)

[mysoultokeep]

Hey, folks. So I'm now a snarky hipster Instagram person, and you should all go find me because I want to see heavily filtered pictures of your cats on my phone.  Username: mysoultokeep.

[annoyingllamaface-deactivated20]

Confessions of an Uneducated Queer - Lauren Zuniga

[dammit-daria-blog]

I cried. 

[mysoultokeep]

Me too.

[mysoultokeep]

life update: still here

My life has been utterly ridiculous recently (see also: always), and thus my internet presence has been much diminished.  Here's what's been going on in lieu of online endeavors:

Job hunting. I finally reached the point of manic sleep deprivation with my baking gig at which I began to question my ability to do things like bathe regularly, interact socially around topics other than baking, and make it through the day without breaking down into tears.  This seemed problematic, so I'm now on the prowl for alternate employment.  Related topics: How to craigslist successfully, Marketing your food-service past, Adventures in social services.

School. I have finally decided to stop running full-speed ahead into the problem of Fixing American Christianity(TM), and allow myself time to do things like reassess what it is I want out of life, work a full-time job without ruining my health, and maybe even attend a church service without bursting into tears and leaving in crisis. This degree is still something I want (and I refuse to write off the $20 grand I've spent on it thus far), but it's time to be kind to myself and step back. I'll be back in the fall with a lighter courseload, but for now, I'm taking a break.

Relationships. In an unfortunate but necessary turn of events, my boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago.  It was an astonishingly amicable break-up, and we're still great friends -- for context, here are some memorable quotes: "Oh my god, I'm so glad you brought this up! I've been thinking the same thing!" "I'm sad this didn't turn out -- I've learned so much from you!" "Come on, bring it in. *hugs*" In summary, I'm disappointed things didn't work out, but really happy with the way we've handled it; I could not have asked for a better outcome.

And on the topic of relationships, I have a date tonight. Wish me luck!

And that's pretty much it.  On the media front, I've been making my way slowly but surely through all the seasons of Buffy, rereading Harry Potter, and have been taking The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse in small doses.  Each are highly recommended. :)

[mysoultokeep]

Okay, so I'm doing one productive thing

(that doesn't involve booze or pancakes)

I did more math for my upcoming final year of grad school, and it looks like I won't be able to get away with paying tuition out of pocket, thus avoiding more loans.  Fuuuuuck.

TW MATHS BELOW CUT

I have fourteen credits left in my program, spread out over four terms. This means that between now and the summer of 2014, I'll be paying the school roughly $9000, plus buying books and supplies.  I work full-time, which nets me about $1250 per month after taxes.  So in the next 18 months, I'll make $22500 and give almost half of it directly to the school, leaving me $13500 for rent, food, meds, utilities, etc.  Which comes to about $750 per month.  Right now I rent the cheapest room EVER, but I'm soon to move in with one of my best friends and there is no way in hell we'll be able to find a place for less than $500 apiece, so even in the best case scenario I'd be down to $250 per month for all the rest of my expenses.  Which miiiiiight be doable, except I'd really rather not take that chance... Which means I revisit the FAFSA and plunge myself deeper into debt. AWESOME.

Ugh. Tuition is such a bitch. I'm going to be so glad when I'm finally done paying for school in like 10 years. :/

[mysoultokeep]

My total contributions to Being A Productive Human on my only day off this week:

Completely demolishing a pancake breakfast at IHOP

Making a bigger mess of my room trying to organize the vast amounts of miscellaneous paper in my life (seriously, where does it come from? Does anyone else have this problem?)

Biking to Safeway for cheap wine and frozen pizza

I REGRET NOTHING.

[mysoultokeep]

I just found the most perfect job posting. 

It's a 10-hour-per-week administrative position for a ministry organization partnering with the Lutheran church. They offer support and counseling for LGBT+ folks seeking to integrate the relational and spiritual parts of their lives, while at the same time working with the church on issues of human sexuality and biblical interpretation.  In other words, basically everything I've been working toward doing for the past two years.  And since it's only 10 hours per week, I can keep working at the bagel shop and going to school at the same time.

Of course, now the self-doubt and "I want it so bad that I'm not even going to try, because then I won't have to face the possibility of failure" tendency are kicking in.  I might need some encouragement to get through this cover letter, guys.  D:

[mysoultokeep]

I've been thinking about it.

(a little too much actually)

And it seems like, for me at least, the mechanism that enables me to be non-judgmental of other people lies in always assuming there is more to the story, and that people always have reasons for doing the things they do.

Sometimes it turns out that the rest of the story reveals the person in question to be the villain, and the reasons they have for doing the things they do are perverted and horrible.  But if I begin our interactions with an attitude of curiosity rather than condemnation, I often get to hear their story and their reasons; even if I ultimately decide that nope, this person is actually a terrible menace to the human condition and I need to vacate them from my life ASAP, I will at least have afforded them the dignity of being seen as a person.*

But far more often, the rest of the story reveals the person to be just that: a person, with hopes and dreams and motivations and needs and desires and fears. It reveals a common humanity, which, even if we vehemently disagree on issues dear to my heart and essential to my system of values, is something I must respect (as part of that aforementioned system of values, in fact).  People rarely do things without a reason for them, even if that reason is unconscious; seeking to understand others' motivations gives value to their perspective even if it is one with which I disagree.**

*This has caveats and exceptions, of course; for example, interactions with known child molesters would also begin with a general attitude of "this is not okay and I will not give you any scrap of validation for your disgusting actions."  I haven't fully explored the limits of this whole perspective yet.

**This is part of why being called irrational riles me up so quickly -- it assumes that the outsider perspective (and, in the gendered context of this word, that outsider is generally male) is the only one that matters and that there is no internal logic to one's thoughts or actions.  Which is condescending and, in the vast majority of cases, patently untrue.

[mysoultokeep]

i was angry at mark driscoll and scrolling the tags for more people who hate him and i found you and i consider it the find of the week you have a fantastic blog thank you very much.

*FLAIL*  Aw, thank you!  Also I just stalked the hell out of you* and you seem pretty neat too! Readyset FOLLOWING PARTY.*No, there is literally no hell left.** You  may proceed to the pearly gates.

**Or no literal hell left FAREWELL ROB BELL  

(...The asterisks-to-text ratio in this post is a new record!)

[mysoultokeep]

ilostmycape replied to your post: ilostmycape replied to your post: forgive me...

Looking through all his posts, I’ve decided I don’t believe in Driscoll. He can’t be real.

IT GETS WORSE

:( :( :(

[mysoultokeep]

ilostmycape replied to your post: forgive me father

which post? I want to read.

I poked a little bit at this one, but it hasn't gone anywhere.  :(

What gets me really irritated is just how judgmental and mean so many of the posts/comments are.  Like, seriously?  We're going to mock and condemn non-Christians/seminarians/effeminate worship leaders/people with odd prayer requests/etc. in a highly public forum in the name of Jesus? Instigated by a man who has tens of thousands of people looking to him for spiritual authority and guidance?  Okay then, NOT INTERESTED.  I stir the pot, but I do my best to respect the basic humanity of the people I interact with even when we (vehemently) disagree.  I'm not sure why that's so hard, especially when a huge part of this whole Christianity thing is supposed to be about loving your neighbor.  We're talking about the same religion, right?  Right?

...Okay rant over sorry.

[mrrepzion-deactivated20140910]

[toxiccheetah]

i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep

[mysoultokeep]

forgive me father

Whenever I'm in the mood for some righteous fury, I go stir the pot on Mark Driscoll's fan page.  

What I have learned from this experience: Christians are mean and don't know shit about their own theology.  It's embarrassing.

[castianity-archive-deactivated2]

srsly though

if we mutually follow each other

you’re welcome to ask for my skype or my number or my facebook or whatever

srsly

[mysoultokeep]

I was half an hour into my shift at work today before I caught my reflection in the oven window and realized I'd turned into a dinosaur in my sleep.