[isitsafe]

And Trump just had another “annual physical” at Walter Reed. Bitch, stop tip toeing around the gates of Hell and just go on in.

[notaparagraph]

is it safe to buy bananas right now?

[streetkit]

it does suck that the government defunded PBS but it's also so fucking funny that now that they don't take uncle sam's slavery dollars they're running videos like "How america's foundation was built on genocide"

no more being polite about it fuck the USA

[myspecialshoelaces]

One thing I miss from the days when I didn’t have a whole lot of personal boundaries (and when my life pretty much centered around myself) is writing about my life and sharing what I wrote.

it just occurred to me as I’ve been thinking about this, and deciding to come write it here on tumblr, that I could start posting on my personal blog again and just not “advertise“ it. Asking people to pay attention to me and what I’m writing if it’s mostly personal stuff would feel almost immoral. It’s one of the reasons I like tumblr, it puts it on the dash and people just skip it if they want easy-peasy.

i’m not saying this from a place of lack of self-worth just a better understanding of how many houses are actually on fire, if that makes sense.

anyway, I’m glad tumblr is still here. :-)

[myspecialshoelaces]

yesterday I celebrated 30 years of continuous recovery from alcoholism. I didn't really "celebrate," but I had a nice day. I started feeling a little sorry for myself because none of the people I'd told the day was coming reached out. I'm not the center of anyone's life. for the most part. that's really okay, and also it stung a bit yesterday.

I texted one of my dearest friends (yesterday) TODAY IS MY 30TH SOBRIETY BIRTHDAY (we met when I was 3 months sober) and didn't hear back from her. But today she texted and asked me if she could give me a virtual medallion at her 12 step meeting that I sometimes go to on zoom, so that was really lovely.

And I remembered my sponsee who I gave her 11 year medallion last Sunday was telling me about how she was appreciating that instead of feeling left out at her birthday lunch when everyone was talking to everyone else, she reveled in the way the people she cared about who cared about her were connecting.

This helped me come back to the truth that it's an important milestone, but it being quiet doesn't mean I didn't get huge joy from all kinds of friends. I talked to @branssparklydancepants about it on Thursday, in fact, and went to a beach potluck with five other people and when I mentioned it they all ERUPTED in congratulations and it was lovely. I was with my parents just a few days ago and we all talked about it, too. I've had the attention I wanted.

And that's what it is. Attention. I don't want congratulations. What I want is to find tenderness for myself when the reality of being a single adult with an adult child and a nearly-adult child and parents who live two hours away means that unless I make plans with friends, I will be alone.

And I'm hosting a party for people in recovery on the 25th that is, in part, a celebration of my sobriety birthday and a bunch of people are planning to come. So. :-)

Plus. I love being alone!

Yesterday had a tinge of loneliness. That happens, too. It was also full of gratitude. My ex-husband-now-friend also apparently remembered it, though he didn't tell me, he asked 17 about it, she told me today.

17 is sleeping at a friend's tonight and I have no celebration feelings about the 4th of July *vomit* so I'm folding laundry and loading my vitamin/med boxes and doing a bunch of work I've been putting off because it feels too fun.

My shingles patch is KILLING me and my body's still sore from jumping in the amazing waves on Thursday. My life is so good and simple and rich and painful. Tomorrow I go to my parents' summer place so I'll be there on Monday to meet the washer/dryer delivery/installer people. I'll take care of my garden. It'll be lovely.

[myspecialshoelaces]

thank god for therapy.

breaking this bc of mention of sexual assault and other challenging topics

at dinner tonight my mother goes on a little rant about how she agrees with someone who said that women who get assaulted after drinking too much should "get over it" and shouldn't have put themselves in that position in the first place.

she says this to her daughter who was assaulted so many times in those kinds of circumstances (boys and men can be monsters and also in the 80s and even in the 90s no one really understood what consent means).

I felt shivers on my back, I felt the urge to freeze, and I breathed. I stayed grounded. I checked in with myself about what I needed and what I needed was to just listen and not take personally what she was saying. I felt really okay as far as not dissociating. I know that what happened to me was not okay, that the trauma I experienced (that lived in my body for decades), was all not something to "just get over."

I'm sad that I don't have the kind of family where it would be safe to engage in a conversation about this with her/them. and also I can see her for who she is, so much not healed within herself. she's 82 years old, grew up as a neurodivergent person who is still mostly not aware of her differences, who I'm quite sure experienced serious traumas (scars on her wrists) herself.

I'm posting here because I'm feeling okay. I know to take care of myself this evening, that there might be more healing and tenderness I'll need as I grieve the help I didn't get as a teenager and grieve the disconnect that's the best choice for me now with my mother about this.

she said, "I'm going to say this because we're with family because I have learned that I'm not supposed to say this" before she said it. the fact that she was so unaware of how much she was speaking about me -- she knows, she "forgets," her denial is so strong -- is another thing I'm grieving.

I still feel loved (especially by myself), but being truly seen, known, or understood, isn't something that will come from my mother in most ways. that being seen, known, understood comes from my friends and even my daughters to some extent.

so this has been a very sad and also bittersweet time.

[isitsafe]

Oh, the Knicks won a championship for the first time in my lifetime. Shoutout to their MVP, Spike Lee.

[myspecialshoelaces]

I read (saw a tiktok about) somewhere that part of healing is grieving the me that once was. that’s very true for me.

I am also grieving for loved ones who are leaning into denial to cope as the reality of the end of life process begins in earnest. grieving for them and for me as I face what is happening. It feels more lonely than I feel like it should if others were able to be more present with the truth of it.

blerghjjjhhhhh

[dogpuppy]

[notaparagraph]

What are cute names for a 2-person trivia team?

[myspecialshoelaces]

why do certain kinds of breezes only remind me of painful, even traumatic, memories?

I wonder if as more of the trauma settles into safe containers in the past, maybe good memories will come with these breezes?

[myspecialshoelaces]

the start of Ice Cube’s “Keep It Gangsta” has been stuck in my head for about seven hours now

[nadas-dirthalen]

my dream for tumblr is that we all relearn the phrase "it's not for me" and we remember that this is different from "it should not exist."

something something likes charge reblogs cast

[myspecialshoelaces]

was just reminded we live in a port town; we live on the coast of the ocean. it’s a 10 minute walk for me to get to “Back Cove” (not a beachy part of the ocean but still cool!).

I’m waiting for my groceries (I order and pick them up) and I hear seagulls and smell salt in the air.

[x-cat-woman-x]

i'll forever miss how the internet felt before you had to second-guess the authenticity of every single piece of media you came across. silly videos used to be just silly. fun was coincidental. wonder was just wonder. digital art had character and soul. AI has taken the taste out of everything and irreversibly poisoned the creative sphere and the people still pushing it forward are the doom of both joy and the quality of being.

[myspecialshoelaces]

I voted!

Hi tumblr! today I walked one of my favorite paths around my house. There’s a sweet 10–5 minute loop, or, if I’m in the mood to make it longer there are a bunch of different options. It’s the most direct route to get to my polling station too.

[ohhelloholly]

[myspecialshoelaces]

adding alt text:

Them: You can't summon an entire generation with one line.

Me: Dearly beloved.