Still thinking on the convo I had with my sister.
She was talking about how she thinks part of her issue with men (in a relationship context) is that she doesn’t really have that “nurturing quality” that a lot of men like/look for in a partner.
Which, true. She doesn’t have that quality - like, at all.
But then she was like “I don’t think mom has it either” (also true) and then she says “You don’t have it much, either!”
And at first I was a bit offended. Because wtf do you mean, I am always doing stuff for others - including her and my mom, a lot of the time - and obviously I feel like I nurture V.
But then I thought about it some more - like, what exactly this “nurturing quality” is. How are we defining it?
It is kind of a hard quality to define, but I know it when I see it, ya know?
Like my neighbour/friend A definitely has that quality. But it isn’t like she is some meek, endlessly self-sacrificing trad wife type. At all.
In fact, kind of the opposite. She is the one “in charge” in that house.
I think it is just that she seems to derive a sense of satisfaction from taking care of others - mainly her own kids, but she is very “motherly” towards kids in general.
And yeah, obviously I know women are often socialized to be this way, but it really feels like an innate quality in her, as well.
And this nurturing quality comes out in other ways too - she loves to garden and she is a great cook (so is her husband S) who likes to host parties and feed lots of people her great food. She is a former vet tech and she is very nurturing with animals too (she now has a crow that hangs out in her backyard. This crow has basically attached itself to her as her “familiar” hah).
And if I look at it through that lens - yeah, I am not exactly the nurturing type.
I like to help people when I can. I am…more considerate or thoughtful, but that isn’t really the same thing as that more “mother earth” quality my sister was talking about.
And interestingly, I think my lacking this quality is one of the things S.O. always felt was “missing.”
Not saying I am “wrong” or deficient as a person for not having it. Again, I think it is just a quality some people have (I have actually met men who have it too, although it is more rare because of the socialization piece) and other people do not.
But I do think that some of his complaints and dissatisfaction with me as a person/partner comes down to him wanting that quality in a partner, but not getting it from me. (Because I just don’t have it.)
And then something sort of clicked for me - namely that he has blamed me for being X or Y (or not being X or Y) and I have taken that on, and blamed myself for not being those things (or for being “too much” of other things), like I somehow made all these selfish choices just to hurt him or whatever.
But…people are who they are, mostly.
I am not saying you cannot change how you show up in the world/in relationships in various ways. And of course people grow and change over their lifetime.
But those deeper, almost undefinable, innate qualities are either there or they are not. And it is fine if you are drawn to or want your partner to have certain qualities - but if someone doesn’t have those things you want, it isn’t their “fault.”
It is just who they are (or who they are not). And you can either accept it, or not. Like, you just decide that yeah, you do actually need X or Y in a partner, and that person just didn’t have it, so you need walk away.
But sitting around and silently stewing and thinking/assuming that the other person is deliberately withholding this thing you need/want, out of spite or selfishness or whatever else - that isn’t fair at all.
