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If you were to ask me about henna

I’d say I enjoy it

But if you were to ask me on a deeper level

I’d say…

Henna art brings me clarity of mind.

As I hold the cone,

and squeeze the henna paste

as it flows out

whilst steadily controlling it

It unleashes a part of me

I’ve not explored

but it seeps out of my fingertips

I follow the idea onto the edges of my clients hands

and see how it stretches

as far as the patterns go

you see on a valley

The Beauty of nature on her arms.

So effortlessly,

It brings me a sense of joy

as I take a step back

And look at

what my hands have created.

A smile so wide stretched

Across his perfectly chiseled face,

Tall, dark and handsome, a beauty

I know now - God makes no mistakes

This guy is filled with so much grace

As he creates and sets the mood

building tension with sadness & hope

His words fills up the space, so good

There’s a void but his words are eloquent & woke

full of passion and love. A rare soul

Love, peace & happiness - Resonates from him

Soft lil curls dangles down

his forehead - a baby face

Smiling so widely at us,

listening to him speaking poetry

Our Walls break between us,

as his words

break us / makes us

part of his beautiful strong world.

I told you,

I’d let you go someday

even though I loved you with all that I had

and forgot to pour love back into my soul

even though I promised I’ll ask for you in Jannah

even though I built a few years with you

Yet again, my connection with God was fading away,

and I was losing myself, slowly.

I unknowingly put you above God

when you showed me, your humanness

it cut through me,

as the pain and agony, I went through

just by being beside you

made me turn to God, again, & again & again

I begged Him desperately to fill up the emptiness

As I no longer want to be attached

to His creation,

it ruined my peace o

Been caged up like a bird waiting for you

So we could fly together,

I wanted you to stop pulling the strings of my heart

it stretched the distance between us, and

when you pulled me closer it hurt more

for loving you,

and placed you in my heart instead of God

but He knew exactly how to turn that brokenness to whole again

He is enough for me,

in that moment I suppress those tears in shame

But I prayed to Him, to take care of you.

While I go, and get to know the Source of Love,

Al Wadud (The Most Loving)

and put Him above everyone else.

God is with me, He sees me and always will be.

Heal to stop bleeding

"I’m the girl who is way too shy in front of you when we first meet, but then as time goes by, I get less shy and start to open up a bit more. If you stare at me for a bit too long, I look down or turn away from you Because I feel a tad bit uncomfortable. I’m the girl whose hijab goes pointy at the front after a long day, and trips over my flowing abaya.  I’m the girl who weeps at night for feeling a little bit lonely and wanting someone by my side. But I’m that same girl who laughs at all your jokes — funny or not. I’m the kind of girl  who will hide my feelings just so I don’t get hurt or ridiculed for expressing myself so deeply. But then writes poems about how I feel and shares them. I’m the kind of girl who lets you in too soon, and gets attached too quickly; So please be gentle and kind to me.”

You told me I came in your dreams

I don't know what to say to you, I tried to distance myself from you but you kept coming back to me. You kept wooing me with your beautiful eyes and your aura. Your soul intwined with mine at night although we're miles apart. The time zones are opposite. But I stay up late at night just to catch a deep conversation with you. With you, I find peace. With you, I feel like home. With you, there is no where else I would be. With you, is where I want to be. In your arms, and just dreaming away. Forgetting about the rest of the world. You promised me you will always stay in touch with me. Hold me tight, kiss my pain away. Hold my hand, let's be strong every day. I can't wait for the day we meet up again. I can't wait till you hug me so tight that I forget the trauma. I can't wait to curl up into a ball next to you, feeling your warmth. Warming my cold heart. I can't wait till we plan to inspire this world, hand in hand and rekindle our love again. I will always think about you, and you will be sitting on my mind every day. And I will ask God to protect you. Keep dreaming about me, and soon I will make your dreams come true.

Dear God, Thank you for the love that you gave me. For the love that broke me. For the love that made me wiser. For the pain that made me stronger. And for the words that fix hearts together. I always used to look for something to blame when things didn’t go well, but I would never blame you, because I know what you decreed for me was for the best, and that it was only a test. I hope I don’t end up being alone on this lonely journey because it’s so difficult to find genuine love from a guy that can be loyal and trusted. I think the good guys are already taken and there seems to be fuck boys left, to toy with our hearts and eventually break them. I ask you to heal me from what broke me in my childhood, and to give me strength to continue on this beautiful journey. I want to love, but I’m afraid. Please make me love myself before I give love to someone else. Thank you for saving me from getting stuck in situations I would never think I would get out of.

25/12/2016

There were things I never got to tell you

There were things that I never got a chance to tell you when we were talking. But I just want you to know that there are things you don’t know about me that I want you to know now before its too late.

1. I’m a hopeless romantic – I would fall for you for your kindness, honesty, and genuineness. I would fall for you if you make effort to talk to me and see how things are with me, if you check up on me. I would fall for you if you called me a beautiful soul because only you could see my soul through my eyes. Basically, in a nutshell, I give love freely.

2. I love being an artist – well most of the times. I am a henna artist and I love doing what I do. I mean sometimes I just get frustrated with the people and how uncivilised and how cunning they are but that’s people in this harsh world for you. They are inconsiderate but that’s that. I love to meet new people although I hate talking sometimes and telling people about my life because its boring.

3. I understand your pain – because I’m an empathetic soul, what can I say? But it gets to the point where I over-empathize. I have been through a lot of pain myself so I can understand the depth of yours too. When you’ve been through a difficult time in your life, I can sense that pain too and its like we have been on the emotional painful journey together. It hurts me to know what you’ve been through.

4. I’m a dreamer – I tend to dream a lot. About my goals in life, about my dreams in life, about going to travel the world, about the person I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with. I dream and dream and dream. Until reality wakes me up from my beautiful dreams and smacks me in the face and leaves a red mark on my soft cheeks.

5. I’m a poetic – I love to write poetry. About everything and anything. But mostly about love and my life experiences. I turn it into a piece of art. I turn my life into short stories. Stanzas in a line. Or doses of love fed to my soul. I bleed from my fingertips and I bandage the blood on my fingers with cotton wool to dab out the blood and blot out the pain.

6. I trust people too much sometimes. I’m so naïve and gullible. I believe people when they tell me things. I don’t know whether people are being sarcastic or not so I take things very serious sometimes. But then again I’m lighthearted too and I love to laugh a lot. I wish I never trusted as many people with my secrets in life. But I shall soon learn from this.

7. I love stargazing – I love to look at the sunset, sunrise, the night sky with stars scattered everywhere. I love to go on road trips, read romantic and life experience books, talking about deep things that matter to us in this moment like topics about love and God and our purpose in this world.

You told me you liked me a lot. I told you I like you too. But it wasn’t enough for you to make me your future wife or your girlfriend. You flirted with me and I reciprocated. Because I thought you would like me as much as I liked you. But I thought wrong. You idiot.  Why didn’t we end up together? Was it because you just got out of a relationship a few years ago and you want to go back to education? Was it because you want to achieve your goals in life before you commit to someone? Or was it because you needed a break from women in general and find your own self? Was it because you were afraid of hurting me and vice versa?  To be quite frank, I think you are just scared to be with me? Scared that you might lose me? Scared of the long distance relationships? Scared that I might be too good for you, Because you know you don’t deserve me, I deserve someone better but I know you’re the one for me. You’re strong, you’re capable, you’re amazing.  Did you stop talking to me in order to not fall in love with me? Did you freak out when we started to become closer than I thought? Did you pull away due to the reason that you were afraid of how hard you’d fall for me?  Or did you just prefer flirting rather than being in a relationship? Did you enjoy sexting me, and telling me how fucking hard your penis is and wishing that I was there with you to make love to you? Did you like how excited you were when making out with me on your couch and touching my breasts? Or did you like bombarding my mind whenever you felt like gaining dominance over me?  Or were you just leading me on by calling me names such as beauty queen, gorgeous, golden girl and a doll? Just so I could give my fucking heart to you in return of sweet heart softening names? Were you just telling me what I wanted to hear just so I could be head over heels with you? To be honest, I believed every fucking thing you ever told me and it made me a sucker for falling in love.  Or were you just an idiot who knows how to sweet talk every beautiful broken girl that you meet? Did you think that I would fill in that empty space in your soul, so we could be temporary soulmates? And then ditch me once you’ve found someone to replace me. Did you change your mind about spending your future life with me when you couldn’t meet my standards?  Did you, just ruin our chance of being together in the future by being selfish and a coward? I want to know why our flirting never turned into something that blossomed. I want to know if, whenever you see my snapchat stories you stop everything you’re doing to pay attention to my eyes and my sexy British accent, because you Americans love it, don’t you? I want to know if we still have a chance to be together in the future. I want you to caress my boobs so softly and lovingly.

“You really shouldn’t be so trusting.” He sneered in her face. “This world is a dangerous place.” “I know but I just think good of everyone and think that they don’t have evil intentions towards me. I think that by trusting people they would help me and give me good life advice. I shouldn’t be trusting, you’re right. But I just don’t know what to do sometimes but to trust them. And how can this world be a dangerous place?” She responded gracefully. “This world is a dangerous place. If you leave your secrets scattered around they will eventually hunt you down and haunt you forever. Trusting people can be dangerous. You have to be cautious in who you trust because they can turn against you, someday. You’ll soon learn not to trust people and that this world isn’t what you think it is. It’s a dangerous place for all you know and find.” He explained to her.

excerpt from a story I'll never write

An open letter To the guy I started to have feelings for. Hey John, I really like you. I hope we get together in the future. I’ve been thinking about you lately. I wonder when you’re planning to surprise me and come to London. I really hope that we get chance to be together. I hope that God has written your name next to mine, 50,000 years ago before the sea was introduced to the sky. I really wish you were here by my side. I really love talking to you. You’re so amazing, in case you didn’t know that, may God protect you from every evil. Hehe, anyways this letter is just to express how I feel about you and that I’m just praying we end up together because you’re a beautiful soul. I miss you so much. I feel like you don’t like me anymore and that thing that happened with Aisha really bothered me, I mean she misinterpreted things. It’s so fucking annoying I wish I never told her anything so we can still talk like we used to, *insert smiley face here*. I miss talking to you about anything. I want to just be in your big arms right now, and feel the warmth of your hot soul. I want to just listen to your sexy accent all day. I just wish you didn’t live so far away. I shall be back next year hopefully and I’d probably have more freedom then and we can go out a lot, if God wills. I want this to work out. I want us to work out. I know you keep reminding me about if its written by God that we will be together but the way you say it is like you don’t even want to be with me. It’s like you are scared of being with me. Who the fuck cares, we are second cousins, I don't care. I told my aunt about you and she got really happy because she said you’re a good guy and she will be praying for me and you. Whatever is best for us. You’ve taught me to be patient with rowdy people. You taught me about the swings and the one who plays on it, LOL, well I’ll never forget that. I don’t know whether you should see this letter or not but I’m going to show you anyway. I’m not sure whether you’ll reciprocate but I don’t care. I’m just telling you how I feel, whether you want to hear it or not.

How did you deal with your trauma?

Well, I didn’t. I just let things pile up at theback of my mind. I let things pile up. The suppressed memories. The workloadfrom university. The people dying in my extended family. The loss of myinnocence. I just couldn’t handle things. I tried to seek help from others.Like my uncle. My best friend. My parents. My tutor. My neighbour. Theuniversity councillor. But nothing really helped me. My mind’s health just keptgetting worse, whenever I spoke about my traumatic experience. I didn’t knowthe answers, but I wanted straight answers from people. I only asked for what Iwanted to hear. I hated myself. I wanted to kill myself or bury myselfsomewhere. I tried to get rid of the demons attacking my mind everyday. I wokeup from my nightmares every night. I held on and tried to keep strong everysecond. I tried to pray it off. I prayed like a holy person. For God to helpme. For God to get rid of the demons. For God to renew my faith. For God toprotect me from every evil. For God to grant me a good life. I prayed andprayed and prayed until lost control. I prayed for strangers so that the angelswould pray for me. I prayed for peace in my mind and my heart. I wanted peace,love and happiness.

Voices in my head I didn’t listen or obey the voices. They were cruel, unjust and horrible. They were voices of my family members. My two uncles who were like the pharaohs. My aunts who had pop bellies like a washing machine, with fire and water mixed, the water didn’t extinguish the fire though. The fire kept growing in their stomachs and they wanted me to help them. But I tried. My male cousins polluting my mind with dirty things. And my family members told me that I’m cursed, forever. And I told them to stop telling me that. Because it made me sad. I knew that I was blessed. But the more people were telling me I’m cursed it made me think of the sin I committed. The sin of not stopping the uncle who touched me. The sin of not telling anyone my secret. The sin of being silent. The demons voices differed from my family. They were telling me different things Like “Become a Christian. Or you’re doomed forever. Convert from Islam to Christian. Christ will help you.

When I was living in hell

I was taken to hospital. In the observation room for 12 hours. What happened between those hours I can only remember a little bit. I was saying things that didn’t make any sense but it made sense to me. It sounded bizarre to the nurses and doctors and my family. I was saying things like from a spoken poem called Islam “I’m islam. I greet people with salam. I meet people with a smile.” And other weird things. “I am satan” “I am God.” I’m the antichrist” I kept switching faces and things I didn’t know who I was. And asking “who is amina muridi?” I kept mentioning opposite things. And kept saying left and right. Men and women. Mars and Venus. White and black. My left became my right and vice Versa. My mind was confused. I also thought that I turned into a man and that I was going bald and hairy legs and arms. I thought I was pregnant with a baby girl called Fatima. I thought I was going to my grave. I also thought I was immortal. I thought many things that weren’t real but sounded real to me. I thought I had special powers like when I looked at people they turned blind and I would apologise for looking at them because I thought it was my fault. And when I looked at them their eyes would turn bulgy. I thought the world ended or planet mars and Venus crashed into the earth. I was the one who could save the world. I thought God was non-existent. My mind was like a TV hurricane. Then I was taken to the mental hospital Ruby Ward for a few days. And then days turned into weeks. Weeks turned to a month.

child-of-thecosmos

myspillediink

When I was mentally ill, I had a dream or was it a hallucination that I was flying through space. It was like a game I was playing, or doing karate. Trying to add good deeds to my scale. And subtracting bad deeds. So it was like whatever good action was thrown my way I would catch it. And whatever bad that came towards me I would combat it with a prayer or my legs and hands. It was unusual. And in the end I won and was granted an entry to Paradise. I had to learn self-defence to ward off the every evil, the devil and the demons. I had to learn how to defend my honour and dignity. I had to learn how to defend my soul from falling into the trap of the satan. So that was it.

Question:

How long did it take you to realise there was something wrong and come to the

conclusion that you needed to tell someone what happened to you?

Answer:

Well, in 2014, I went to the college councillor and I eventually spilled out everything in the end. Especially my dark secret that I was molested as a child but that came out when it was towards the end of

our journey. She must have asked me is there anything I’m withholding that needs to be explored further because of the pain I’ve been experiencing as a young adult. I’ve always been hiding myself. My hands especially because of my eczema. I hated attention. I hated speaking. I hated my voice. I hated men. Men were my worst enemies back then. I had hard times communicating with them. It was because I was afraid. I labelled all men as the same. I viewed them the same.

Maybe you made me sick

Maybe …

Maybe what happened to me in my childhood was the cause for my mental breakdown and for my illness to escalate from anxiety to depression to schizophrenia. It was possible. I believe it was post-traumatic stress disorder, since I have studied A-level psychology but that was a few years back. I really didn’t understand what schizophrenia was during my studies all I knew was that you hear and see things that are not there, but it was more complex than that. To be honest, I know what caused it.

I know that it was encountering with people who spoke about childhood sex abuse so openly and so confidently, which made me feel sick. I couldn’t bring myself to speak about the topic because it just made me cringe and remind me of my horrible abuser who happened to be related to me, ugh. And I told my - who I thought was going to be my future husband, but I thought wrong - distant cousin about the fact that I was abused as a child, and I cried to him for so many hours on the phone. He was emotionally unavailable, so he just put the phone down on me and never spoke to me again. I regret it until this day why the fuck I told him when he didn’t have to know. He didn’t have to know me like this!

Anyway, I woke up from my nightmares and screamed words like ‘I don’t want this’, ‘why did it happen to me?’,’ I hate all men!’, ‘I hate my life!’ and my parents tried to calm me down. Freud came to my mind too and started thinking about the Oedipus complex and the subconscious mind, even though I hated his opinions. I woke up my siblings and they started to cry because they knew something was wrong with me but they didn’t know what was going on in my crazy mind. I brushed them away as they tried to hug me. I went to the toilet and looked at myself in the mirror and thought to myself ‘you’re strong, you’re beautiful, and brave. The storm has only begun’. It was like I was on a roller coaster ride but internally. MY mind was controlling me, it was like I completely lost all control.

I just kept talking and talking and talking. To my parents. To anyone I see. Nonsense. Gibberish. Spontaneously. And nobody understood me. I know One Being did though, and it was God. He understood the depth and complexity of my mind, soul and heart. He understood the pain I went through of being molested as a child and currently undergoing pain and suffering with this hellish mind too. And I tried not to think negatively about God because it was the help of God that took me out of my situation when I was only 8. I always romanticised my relationship with God and I didn’t want to ruin the relationship I had with Him.

My sister, Ahlam called the ambulance and I have no idea what she was saying to them about what happened to me. I sat down finally on the sofa and all I remember is the ambulance driver asking me some questions about myself and I answered them correctly.

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