Dear Muhammad Fahmi Hafizuddin
Hello sayang. I wanted to give you this long letter, wanting to clarify everything. I'm really sorry for every pain i have caused since we first started dating. I'm sorry i always made u merajuk, made u mad, sorry for raising my voice one too many times when we fight, sorry for not being a good girl, sorry for causing you a lot of stress, sorry for not being good enough. Despite all of this, i just want you to know that i really really love u so much you have no idea how much, every night i wanted to peluk my baby sayang ni and everytime i tell you i love u and i miss u, i really mean it. I really wanted to be the one who help you get your groceries, i wanted to be the one who pick u up at TBS everytime u come back kl from kuantan, i wanted to be the one you rely on when u wanted to buy something or when u have problems, i wanted to be the one you turn to. And i really want to marry you so that i can have babies with you, and susah senang bersama, build our life together, kumpul duit sama2, and maybe go haji sama2. I want all that. And also, i really want to make u happy, i even tengah work hard trying to make extra work so that i can buy you a computer sayang. Because i know if u get the computer, u will be very happy and i want that for you. But i really can't stand being the one you can maki and the one yang always to blame when something goes wrong. I know i made so many mistakes to you, but i fikir for long term, like in the future, when we got married, i made a mistake and you terus maki2 kita, i dont think thats good, and i know that u want my attention, but dear sayang, u have all my attention. But theres also limitation because kita tak kawin lagi, so i have to follow what my parents say, and i hate it when i cannot do what u asked me to do, and at the same time, i also kene marah dengan mama, and i also kena marah dengan sayang. I really cant stand it. I feel berdosa to both u and my parents. And i also feel sad because i cannot make everyone happy. To be honest, i dont care bout my happiness, i just want people i love to be happy. I want you to be happy sebab i want to build my future with you, i want my mom to be happy because she needs attention that she didnt get from my abah, and i also want my abah to be happy because he's my one and only father i cannot replace. I appreciate our moments together, and i will never forget you, but i always make u mad, i always kene maki dengan sayang, and it seems like i couldnt make u happy, and i constantly have to give excuses to my mom to see you sebab my mom actly allow kita utk jumpa sayang hari ahad je. So other times when i miss u so bad and i want to see you on weekdays, i usually bagi excuses dkt my mom utk kuar rumah, And also, kita nk bgth yang kita sebenrnya malam2 kadang2 kita buat grab, to earn extra money, because i want to kumpul duit, and also kita nk bayar hutang2 kita, and also utk beli bnde2 keperluan kita. Ingt tak kita penah bgth sayang yang kita ada byk masalah and kita selalu tk dpt tidur fikirkan semua tu? Well, my masalah usually involve money and relationship with my family. Kita ada byk hutang, and kita sedih sebab my mom penah mintak kita utk bagi duit byk sket tapi kita tak mampu, and then my mom selalu marah kita sebab cakp kita layan dia cam orang gaji, so dia buat kita rasa bersalah utk makan apa mama masak, pakai apa mama basuh, tinggal kat rumah mama pun kita rasa bersalah, tapi mama baik sgt, so kita pun rasa bersalah if kita selalu tak de dgan mama utk teman mama kat rumah even just utk borak and tgk tv sama2. But in the same time, kita nk kuar dgan sayang, sayang pun kita sayang, kita nk jaga sayang, sayang nak pape kita kalau boleh usaha nk bagi, so bila sayang senang sangt merajuk dgan bnde yang kita buat yang kadang2 kita tak perasan or kita recklessly buat, kita cam rasa sedih sebab kita fikir, kita dah byk buat utk sayang, tapi sayang senang2 je marah kita cam kita ni tk berharga. Sebenrnya kita memang nk dimanjakan sayang, bkan dgan duit pun, but i want ur attention and your layanan and your kelembutan and also your understanding towards my life. Kita sebenrnya sayang baby kita ni sangt sebab kita tau sayang nk attention, kadang sayang lonely and people get that. So i want to give u all that u need but please please please jgn lah maki kita dah please and kita sangt tak suka bila sayang cakap "aku kau" masa gaduh sebab kita rasa macam bila gaduh, ape semua yang kita ada our relationship tu semua tak pnting ke. I know sayang takkan ikut permintaan kita pun if kita cakap kita nk sayang sopan dgan kita masa gaduh and tak maki, so thus it is the reason of this letter for you. I'm so happy to have in my life while i have you. But maybe we dont fit each other. Kita selalu buat sayang marah, and sayang suka maki kita masa gaduh which i dont like. And also i dont want to hurt you anymore, and i'm sorry i was not able to give u what u want and what u need. I had enough of makian in my life, i would ask u to change, but i know kalau kita ckp camtu, kita yang kena marah balik, and in the end kita yang salah. I really love u so much u have no idea how much, but i kept stressing u out with my perangaj and i dont think that is a good thing. I want to tell you that i love u so much sayang, but i dont think we fit each other. Maybe we should give ourselves some time to think, and if u find someone better, u can replace me.
