Mysticalpickle

I just. Keep. Writing. 1/26/18

[mysticalpickle]

Ive been living by myself for everybody else. {131}

[mysticalpickle]

Loving me’s not easy

I haven’t figured it out myself

And I know that you don’t need me

So it must be something else

I’ve never let myself feels this way

I don’t know how I should react

Someday I won’t be lying

When I say that I love you back

{130}

[mysticalpickle]

The worst dream i've ever had

Was when the world had met its end

Everyone was in love

Seated across from your soulmate

You finally knew if what you felt was fate

But i couldn't relate

Across from me was an empty chair

No place set, there was no one there

That seems unfair

Can't find someone to feel with me the love that needs two sides

I know i've got a long way to go but where's the goddamn lie

I'll write a love song to no one

Think it'll make them fall for me?

Write a love song to no one

So my dreams don't become reality

I wanna fall in love, but just a taste

Before i eat alone for the rest of my days with a lovesong to no one

Everyday i see a new romance

Watch it bloom as he takes her hand

Cause she gave him a chance

All my friends, they got a list

And then theres me, the one whos never been kissed

Hey, what did I miss?

Can't find someone to feel with me the love that needs two sides

I know i've got a long way to go but where's the goddamn lie

I'll write a love song to no one

Think it'll make them fall for me?

Write a love song to no one

So my dreams don't become reality

I wanna fall in love, but just a taste

Before i eat alone for the rest of my days with a lovesong to no one

Piano interlude

I'll write a love song to no one

Think it'll make them fall for me?

Write a love song to no one

So my dreams don't become reality

I wanna fall in love, but just a taste

Before i eat alone for the rest of my days with a lovesong to no one

I try to picture your face but suddenly im blind

I'll stay alone if my dreams don't lie

And i'm starting to mind

{129}

[mysticalpickle]

How many times

Can i press rewind

Before the tape breaks

And i lose my mind

How many times

Can i live in a moment

I can hear every word

When it's totally silent

We fell out of love and you said we were friends

And that was just fine until that had to end

You've moved on again, was it something I said?

But when you come crawling back, i feel it all again

I hear it all again

How many times

Can I recite your words

That you don’t recall

Until they’re just mine

How many times

Can I restart the song

Seconds before

It all goes wrong

I don’t like how it ends so I’ll play it again

It’s fine to look back, if it’s just all in your head

I’ll swear it’s not real, I maybe even regret

Then I’ll send myself back to feel it all again

To hear it all again

{128}

[mysticalpickle]

I am a lonely inconvenience.

[mysticalpickle]

I used to believe

I could commit any sin as long as I asked for forgiveness

I seemed to have forgotten that gods a killer witness.

Me and private browsing figuring out why I get so defensive when my best friend gets a date.

{127}

[mysticalpickle]

I’ll put a word or two together

So someone can make up a meaning I never intended

An author with no underlying purpose

An artist without a muse

It’s music if I say it is

It means something if I say it does

{126}

[mysticalpickle]

She’s doing pretty good on autopilot

I’m proud that she’s still going even though I’m not here

Every once in a while my ghost passes through her

Like a blinker one beat slower than the car behind it

{125}

[mysticalpickle]

My favorite color is whatever the sun tells your eyes to be that day.

{124}

[mysticalpickle]

I am not the type of person someone falls in love with. -someone

{123}

[mysticalpickle]

I cant properly articulate the words my brain has yet to create

About I feel and how I hurt without me sounding a bit too much like her

I’d rather cry all night, drop my grades, before I say ‘I’m not okay’

I cant be the one to bring them all down. I cant be the one they don’t want around

I know I’ll regret every time I choose to repress instead of talking it out but I’m too much a mess.

I’m a locked cabinet after an earthquake. Schroedingers cat til you open the gate.

Probably broken, both dead and alive, the continuity- no one wants to see inside.

Call me self pitiful, call me attention seeking, call me a victim, you regret having to meet me.

So I Google what words rhyme with -fill in the blank-

Turns out I can’t spell rhyme and nothing good rhymes with blank

So until I can properly articulate the mind will some day create.

I’ll stay out of the way

{122}

[mysticalpickle]

Every damn song I hear

Is written about someone

What about those of us cursed

With never having anyone

We are all so goddamn lonely

Cause this life of love we choose

But it hurts much more, I think

That I never had anyone to lose

{121}

[mysticalpickle]

My favorite dream I’ve ever had

Was when the world had met its end

Everyone was in love

Seated across from your soulmate

You finally knew if what you felt was fate

But I couldn’t relate

Across from me was an empty chair

No place set

There was no one there

It seemed unfair.

{120}

[mysticalpickle]

I think about suicide sometimes,

Actually I think about it quite a lot,

Not a day goes by that it doesn’t cross my mind,

Ever taunting me and luring me to it’s relief filled end.

But I can’t kill myself

Because all I’ve ever heard

Is that suicide is selfish

And I am not selfish.

I can’t be selfish.

Everyone in the world is selfish and I am not everyone else.

I’ve lost count of how many different medications I’ve been through

I do better on caffeine and no meds

Than any dosage of self care.

Why would I take care of something I hate?

If other people care about me so much

Why don’t they take care of me

Because I’ve made it clear I don’t want to.

I’ve started dreaming of suicide.

It’s the way I solve every problem that happens.

I dream of not having to face death

Because when I look it dead in the eyes

I won’t be able to feel any pain.

Im scared of who I am and I’m scared of my thoughts. I’m scared to death of the demon inside of me.

{119}

[mysticalpickle]

I stopped believing in love

When my parents couldn’t find a reason to stay together

I stopped believing in love

When my dad married unhappiness as a person

I stopped believing in love

When they said “I’m going to kill myself and it’s all your fault”

I stopped believing in love

When they told me they loved me

I stopped believing in love

When they said “you just aren’t the one for me”

I stopped believing in love

{118}

[mysticalpickle]

Nonsense

My phone doesn’t even make me happy. I don’t like it. But it’s a distraction and gives me something other to do than staring at the ceiling. But either way my mind is the same. I’ll fake a smile every once and a while for a picture to answer a Snapchat but it’s not real. I just want people to like me and think I’m ok. I’m not okay. But I’ve ruined every chance of making myself better. I’ve ruined my friendships. No one takes me seriously enough I couldn’t talk to them. I know I’ll get made fun of or pushed away.

I don’t want to think about the future. It doesn’t make me happy. I don’t want to think about making a life for myself and losing everything I have now. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I don’t want to be here. I want it all to go away.

I’ m not here anymore. This isn’t me. I lost me a while ago. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know what to do. If you see this please help. Please message me or something I don’t know what to do.

{117}

[mysticalpickle]

People tend to lie

When I open up to them.

They’re scared I’m going to kill myself

And they’ll be the ones to blame.

They say anything to make me feel better

Whether or not it’s true.

And the worst lie to tell

The one that leaves the most pain

Is telling someone “I love you”

When you only say it to keep me in a good mood

{116}