Denial changed me for the better
As I reflect back on these past 4 months, it’s crazy to think about how things have changed since I’d begged @mythik2704 to deny me again. We kept me orgasm free for about a month back at the end of 2022, and while orgasm control has always been a kink of mine, I had never really got to experience it in any sort of length of time before then. When the pre-determined time period was over, I got my orgasms back and promptly went back to old habits - masturbating (and finishing) every day.
Two to three months had passed and I was already sick again of how long it was taking me to cum, how short and empty the orgasms felt, my mind couldn’t help but wander back to orgasm control. Sir had continued to hint that if I wanted him to control them again all I’d have to do is ask. So one day in March, after a particularly degrading masturbation session, I begged. Begged him to take away my vibrator again & control my orgasms. Begged to be needy again. Because while the short term relief of an orgasm feels great, the incessant horniness & constant need and ache genuinely feels so much better.
Now did I think I’d be up against 4 months of denial when I begged? Absolutely not. I also didn’t think I’d be ever meeting him either at that point. Kink aside, we both have lives and live on polar opposite sides of the world so I just never would have imagined I’d be here right now, needy & ready for September to come so we can both really really enjoy this in person. I now know I’ve got a minimum of 2 more months to go until our planned visit in September, in which I’ve been assured already not to expect an orgasm, but that it could happen if he wants to give me forced orgasms instead. We’ll see what happens, I’m sure I’ll be posting about it regardless.
But now that I am four months denied it’s nice to reflect on the before and after. Even just throughout the time, I’ve seen my interests and needs evolve. There are things I now do regularly, that I once considered gross and told Sir I didn’t want to do. There’s just something about that constant need that makes you more willing to explore more new things & I couldn’t be more grateful for the chance.
Before March, I had NEVER used a dildo. Don’t know why, I just never felt the need to with my vibrator around. But now? I use it daily, it’s inside me when I sleep because Sir wants it there. It keeps me needy when I’m going extended periods without my vibrator. I had never cum or come close to cumming with anything but my vibrator, I basically couldn’t cum without it. Now I have edged and gotten closer to the orgasm I’m not allowed with my dildo and hands alone. I just know when / if I am forced to cum, that vibrator is going to make my life hell, and Sir’s going to love every moment of it especially knowing he’s helped change me into being more sensitive in the first place through keeping me needy.
Since denial, I’ve given up lots of control. I won’t get into all the details because that could be it’s own post, but a favorite is that I have security cameras inside my house. I use them to monitor my cats when I’m away- but Sir uses them to monitor me. It has completely changed the dynamic and I forget they are there most days. But it makes his ability to hurt me & use me from far away easier. He can assign a task, see me do it real time, and provide live feedback (i.e. make me crawl, hit myself harder, start again, etc.) He also has parental controls on my phone and computer to monitor my activity, and shut it off if he should wish (as I write this most of my social media is blocked as Sir wants me to focus on being needy today instead of scrolling apps mindlessly-of course tumblr is allowed as that helps keep me needy). This is as close as we can get to what an in person 24/7 dynamic would be and it’s wonderful. It’s to the point where when I’m not in my own house for the night due to work travel or who knows what else, I genuinely miss and feel uncomfortable knowing he can’t watch me. Yes, we use the cameras more for sexy things, but he can also just check in on me whenever he’d like, make sure I’m following my rules, or watch me cook myself dinner just because he likes looking at what’s his. It’s fun, sexy, and denial unlocked that for me.
I’ve never felt hotter or sexier. There’s something about being on a live stream 24/7 and constantly being asked to show off that makes someone feel really good about themselves. Knowing that the person on the other end could be watching anything else but choosing you? Fuck, it makes me wet just to think about. Speaking of wet, I’ve never been wetter. Yes, there are days and times where I’m not super wet by default, but most of the time it’s extremely easy to get myself back there and ready for use. I know Sir will appreciate that when he gets to use me and fuck me later this year.
Humiliation has always been one of those things that I found hot to masturbate to, but never was sure I’d be into myself. When starting this, I’d say pee was a soft limit. Not something I was vehemently against, but not something I really wanted to deal with either. It started with just holding my pee but over time as I became more open and interested in pleasing Sir, I was willing to try other things. It started with peeing in my tub or in a container other than my toilet, but I can now say I’ve experienced what it’s like to have pee on me & it’s a way I’m looking forward to Sir degrading me when I visit.
I would be lying through my teeth if I said I knew when I started this back in March that I’d be where I am today. Being needy & begging Sir to take more and more from me everyday, just so I can feel his control and please him, is an experience in its own. And I know he’ll take advantage.
We’ve both been fantasizing a lot about two things in particular lately. Marking me, because what could be hotter than Sir fucking a cunt that’s permanently marked with a tattoo as his? And ruining me, because what’d be a better exertion of his control over me other than him cutting off my ties for me & keeping me as his personal denied toy forever? Can’t think of much but I’d be lying if I said I won’t beg for both of these things eventually…he’s made all my other fantasies come true, why would these ones any different? I know deep down it’s fantasy, but denial has made me okay with the possibility that it could not be.
Denial has made all of this possible; it makes me needy, it drives me insane, it keeps me wet, but most importantly? It makes me a good girl.
