There's a few things I wish I've been told before this time, such as fwaiting and tort Sunday July 20th. I blocked j for I believe 2-3 days, Sarah calls me today and leaves a voicemail of only her saying to call back. She even tells me her number as if I've deleted her as a contact or don't have her as one. Either way I feel like jane maybe talked to her about how im not responding to her texts. And as I remember the last text I sent jane was " sorry have a nice day" and she said " sorry for what?" and I never replied. I was so fed up with her never returning my calls then getting a text a day or two after of " heyyy u" or something. It's annoying because even if I'm in a tough spot right now, and all I'm doing is venting, she out of all people should be there for me since I was there for her when was all fucked up living in Ontario for two months.with her parents lol.. 50 guys. 50 Anyway I can truly say she fucked my mind upside down. Somehow before I met her, like actually knew her and hung out with her, basically dedicated my life to her, I knew how to take care of myself. But after hanging out with her I stRted smoking pot and talking about drugs and treating my mom worse than before because she somehow conceived me that mothers and family are unconditional love, which is true, kutos... But what she should have said was " treat your mother right" and sent me home in a cab with some extra money.. As any "mother" or grown woman would do. She should have hugged me when I was upset because she knows I'm the kind of person who needs touch when I'm upset. I've just become so overall insecure and different with her than I ever have been in my life. She isn't who I thought she was, and yet I still let her in every time. But now I want her to worry about me, I want her to feel how she made me feel, I want her to feel like I'm dead or something. I know how nuts this all comes off as but i have to put my thoughts somewhere. I didn't plan to write this, it just happened. I planned to make her feel like this for a very long time. But I knew I could never ignore her on my own, as I've tried before and failed an hour later, replying back to her texts. But damn it im had to block her, and I was planning on doing it for a week but now I've unblocked her, and when she texts me, in one week exactly, I will reply and say something along the lines of " Hey I apologize for not replying to you. im dealing with some things right now and haven't been talking to anybody. But I'm doing fine, hope you are too" or something like that. Something to make her feel worried for me idk. Am I crazy?. I just had a dream that I decided to see jane and Sarah and it was really weird for me. We were in a big line up for somewhere and Jane kept touching my shoulders and kinda expressing to me how happy she is that I'm ok again and blah blah ( but I wasn't ok I just thought I missed her and figured it would be good to see her) ( oh I was also staying the night at her house ) and Sarah was really joyed too. I just remember this cloud of uncomforted grief, like why am I hanging out with 50 year olds.. Better yet, why are they hanging out with a 19 year old, and to one of them, someone their own son could be friends with. I felt the same way back when I hung out with Portia again after a few months to a year, after kind of pushing myself away because I knew it wasn't right to hang with her and the kids at the end of the road, when they're all like 6-7 years younger than you Grade fuckin 7 man. I was in grade 7, and this continued throughout the whole time in elementary. So inappropriate. I wonder that the kids parents had thought about me. Yes okay anyways carrying on now... SO what I'm saying is that why am I hanging around her? I miss her but not so much. The dream just showed me how much I don't need her in my life, as much as I thought I did. The thing is, that when jane and I met, for the absolute very first time... I was late for her class on the first day. The firstttttt day. Yep. You heard me right. Anyways as my sign " Aquarius" says, We always get what we want. And I knew that I wanted jane in my life, for some fucked reason I wanted her in my life so I made it happen. I simply used my talent as something to impress her in a way, and when she wasn't feeling okay, I used extreme measures to with the advice that I gave her. I gave her a lot of advice, very true, centred and mature guidance. She already found me appealing I could feel it as I have strong senses. I understood at the time that we would be cool friends after weed came up in class, and in our own conversation. Even though I never smoked weed, but yet on our drive to me dropping her off at the bus loop, whilst listening to city and color, Beatles and tom petty, we talked about our trip to New York, the big apple. We talked about road trips in the summer, we spoke about future plans and how we will stay in touch when she's back. Guzzling down our over prices coffees from Starbucks, our regular tradition for the drive, we had finally reached the stop. And tomorrow it would be happening all over again. And the next day and the next.. Until finally it'll be the weekend. Jane filled me with loads of life advice and told me me stories on life lessons. She told me to travel while I'm still young, taught me about health and told me about how I had inspired her about journaling. It kept me at am alright state. But near the middle of out friendship l, I had noticed a drift, on and off with her. Some days she would realize things and be realiE other days not at all. Update: so as you know by now even though it's not documented in script, jane has sent me a butt load of repeated texts that I have yet to reply to. One after another, Monday or Friday, she's always sending them, any day of the week. even if it's two days later. She hasn't fucked off and I'm glad for that. I really am. Want to know why? Because I crave attention, I know that's so wrong to say but believe me it's something we all like. I moved oceans for jane, i mean come on, I considered moving my whole life to a town in Ontario to a small town nick named Bonerville, what the hell, and not to mention how it was tinier than Squamish. Wow and Tessa and I thought that town was small, you've gotta be kidding me on that one lol. I miss her but I enjoy ignoring her more, there's a plan I have in store and it's that I wanna be fit when I see her again, I wanna have clear skin and I want to be confident , I want to show her that I am doing so well on my own, and that it is possible for someone like me to change so jurrasically in such little time. I want to stop being so insecure around her small body that I can't even eat one chip without thinking she feels I'm a failure. See, these are all reasons why I can't know her anymore. Why I must run on my own to some place I like better. I realize that I haven't ended my conversations with jane all that long, but I have to admit that it's true when you hear people say things like disintegrating the negative makes room for more positive. Getting rid of negative people always benefits you to making new friends. It's like making a deal with yourself that if you buy a new item,ah let's say shoes. yeah? Ok so you have to get rid of those old shoes that are outgrown that you still try to for into because you enjoy the look, but in reality they do not fit you anymore and you have new shoes waiting for you. Well so okay, you toss those old shoes out and what are you left with? New mother bitching shoes dude. Naj told me not to contact jane because she doesn't agree with how she treats me. Naj tells me that it's in appropriate and she shouldn't be hanging out with people who are 19. I agree with her. I'm really glad I called her and asked if I should give jane a call back because I was so lost and I really didn't feel like talking on the phone to jane, I just knew it would be really uncomfortable for me and I know that I would just lie to her about "not talking to anyone"my truth wouldn't be set free The truth is that I don't want you anymore. No matter what it is that I say to myself, no matter how many times now, that I try to defend that you're good for me when you're not, has burned out. Like an old candle flame. I agree with what everyone else has been trying to tell me all along. I swear that I didn't mean to seriously distance myself from you like this, I just wanted to make you feel how you left me feeling, I didn't even believe I was going to last a week since I've tried I ignoring you before on my own without blocking you and failed so quickly. But now being away from you I am so fucking happy. I don't like being around you, it's only ashed darkness that you are surrounded with, and any bit of sunshine that strikes your way is only an illusion. I have realized how many times you've made me feel like I didn't matter to you, I have seen and replaye every time you did not acknowledge I was upset, how you would not even say the words " it's going to be okay" when every fucking time I saw the slightest bit of sadness on your face, I would tear down every plan I had just to be there for you. You couldn't even spare a dime to the homeless people we walked by in Vancouver, after pleading to you that I wanted to do something for them. I just can't believe how shallow you are and how you had me believe you were so fucking good for me. " life time friends " my ass, jane. Maybe you can learn from Sarah a little bit? At least she has some common sense. I don't know. Fuck, then again she still believes that's it's ok to hangout with me too, lol god? Will you help me help her fuck off? Meagan, you're not crazy nor are you Hungry. Keep going with this you know you can do it. You know stupid processed food is only going to make you fatter. Think about your fat things and how they run together when you walk. It is not how you want your life to go.
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