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[mythoughtswithoutboundaries-blog]

Maybe for once I'm just going to do what I want to do. I'm not going to think about if people will think I failed, about pissing off my boss, about the fact that I basically lied when I said I wanted to live here for 5 years like fuck whatever. I'm not going to think about the fact that my dad will be here alone or possibly that one of my best friends might come here right after I get home. I'm not basing my decision to move or not to move over anything but my own happiness. My decision will be based on what excites me and what makes me smile. And what makes me smile is currently my boyfriend and my family. Those are the people that I want to be with. Money doesn't make me happy at the end of the day, the people I love do. So fuck it, I'm giving up everything. Literally everything, for a guy. Yep. I'm doing it. I never do anything spontaneous and I never do anything for a guy and for once, I'm taking a HUGE risk and I'm going to move home to be with my man. Because that's all I want, is the improve our relationship, to grow together and be a couple. For him to meet the rest of my family and I want to meet his and I want us to be together. That's it. Now I want to pack my stuff and leave tomorrow...... Well shit.

[mythoughtswithoutboundaries-blog]

I really want someone to read this, and respond that they have these thoughts too. I just get comfort knowing that other people feel the same way sometimes, that I'm not the only crazy person out there. I don't want attention I just want someone to know, even if it is a stranger, they can know a part of me.

[mythoughtswithoutboundaries-blog]

Maybe I'm the issue..

I need to talk about my relationships. Shane always said it was all in my head but I just thought he was an ass hole. He would say I was worried about nothing and I'm making shit up and I would think fuck you no you make me feel this. But now Sam is saying the same thing. That it's all in my head that IM putting these thoughts in MY head. I wish I had that much control over my mind. But I think it's me, I think I'm the crazy one. I do make all of this shit up and where will that get me? No where... Absolutely no where. Scary thought. Kind of. Nothing really scares me anymore.

[mythoughtswithoutboundaries-blog]

Anxiety

He doesn’t get it. I don’t think he ever will get it and I’m fucking terrified of telling him because I’m scared he’ll be like, “dude, you’re fucked up..” And then what am I left with? Nothing. But I feel like he needs to know, I clearly can’t hide it from him. When he doesn’t text me back I freak out and wind up crying on the phone with Alyssa only for him to text me and say he left his phone in the fucking truck. Like duh. And then I feel so fucking stupid and I’m so mad at myself for freaking out over nothing. Any logical person in their right mind would think oh he probably just left his phone in his truck. Not me tho. My thoughts are fucked up and so I assume the worst. But how do you tell someone that? That your head is so fucked up? How will he understand that? How will he understand that I’m still capable of being with him and having a normal relationship with him, I just need him to work with me. I need some reassurance sometimes, is that really a lot to ask? I’m not sure. And tonight he told me I need to stop doing this. Like I know that, I fucking know. I really wish I could but I feel like I don’t control my own mind and so I can’t. I can’t just stop. Its not that easy. Will he ever understand? I don’t know. This isn’t something that you text someone or say over the phone either. I want to sit down with him and explain to him how I feel but I can’t, because I’m thousands of miles away. I would give anything to be home, so we could talk, face to face, so I could try to explain my mind to some guy who has no idea just how fucked up it is. He’ll probably leave me, I have good instincts. My instincts almost scare me l’m always fucking right. It’s sad really, he’s my dream guy. But I don’t think he’ll understand. I hope by Christmas when I get to tell him that he’ll have fallen in love with me, and then it will be worth it to stick around, despite my crazy thoughts. But with the way things are going and because I can’t keep my fucking trap shut, I don’t know if we’ll make it to Christmas. That makes me cry.