My Rants Against Life

Im a 20 year old girl who is trying their best to play with the hand life dealt. Using the fact the internet doesn't know me to speak my mind about things I can't tell others. Just call me Rhea(ray).

[myvendettaagaistlife]

Hello if you're reading this

I guess I should introduce this page and myself.

Tw: mentions death and other shitty things

My name is...well you can call me Rhea (Pronounced like Ray). I'm 20 years old and I just watched my dad die in front of me. My life was starting to turn around to. Mom is really crazy but I didn't know that until I had to stay with my dad a bit during covid and stop having daily panic attacks. I was iffy about my dad cause since as long as I could remember I was told he didn't want me. I'll get more in-depth of that whole can of worms later. Finally started cutting my mom out and all that jazz. Came to visit my dad and well as read above can see how that went. Mom had the audacity to get upset I didn't want to go eat with her right after it happened. So she's no contact now. I can't really tell my siblings (m33, F29) or any other family about this shit so..y'all are getting to read my most private thoughts.

You might think "why are you posting your most private thoughts, Rhea?" Well I was always told to be an adult is to make discissions whether they are good or not. I made a few discissions in my life and learned my lessons and now I might be able to help someone who happens to see this(if anyone). Well thanks for reading and strap in for one hell of a ride that is my life and mind.

-Rhea

[myvendettaagaistlife]

"To be an adult means to make decisions. Sometimes they will be good, and other times they will be bad. You just need to move on and keep living." -Dad

[myvendettaagaistlife]

First Father's day

This is my first fathers day without him. I don't like this. I want him back. I'm just trying not the think about it. It hurts less like that. Today is the first day I actually tried to listen to the playlist I made for him. My cousin texted my siblings and I to tell us that she understands that its probably really hard for us. Is it wrong that I just wanted to tell her to stop...just stop. She told my sister she's worried about her because she is the responsible sibling in a group chat with me in it. I just want to scream at them. I just want to scream. I just want to be hugged and comforted. To have someone to talk to, but I guess that's why I made this page in the first place.

Thanks for your time

-Rhea

[myvendettaagaistlife]

Why I hate being "Strong"

tw: mentions death and spicy emotions

Right after my dad died, everyone kept telling me to be strong and how amazed they were at how strong I was. I wasn't strong, I was confused and spiraling. It didn't feel real, it still doesn't feel real. There are days that I wake up and want to call him to tell him about this crazy nightmare until it finally clicks. I spoke at his memorial service without breaking down not because I was strong, but because I needed everything to be perfect and needed to be in control. Everyone kept telling me about how strong we were and I hated it. Does being strong mean I'm not allowed to cry? Why do I need to be strong? I hate that word now. People thought I was so strong that they started to try to sell of my dad's stuff the next day after he died. So strong that I had to answer so many fucking questions right after they told me he died. I'm a kid...I'm just a kid. I know I'm 20 but I haven't even lost my grandparents yet. I don't understand loss. I'm not strong. I just don't know how to show my emotions and I'm just confused. All I want is my dad not to be strong.

Sorry about the rant taking a turn

-Rhea