I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world. @n0tenough4you - Tumblr Blog

“How to love you in all things in a bare winter tree, in dry yellow leaves in the rain, in a tempest, in the smallest cafe, we drank in, in the evenings…our black coffee”

— Nizar Qabbani, from “The Epic Of Sadness” (via weltenwellen)

Letter to someone who recently came into my life after nine years

The dictionary has over 1 million words, and there are infinite combinations of those words that i could say to you. A limitless algorithm, some words less well matched and others will slide perfectly into place. There is however a limit to the words I can say to you in this letter, and honestly I don’t feel that there are enough words to get across what i am trying to say. So many combinations, so many ways to try to say what is going through my head and so i write another draft and the words don’t fit. They are not in the right order; and so another letter is discarded and I fall asleep trying again the next day to scramble this internal dictionary in a way which will have the least painful ramifications and the truth is I think its a near impossible task. At the end of this, someone is going to be hurt, someone is going to end up with a hole in their chest and is it not jus so selfish of me to pray that I am the one who leaves whole? and so there goes another draft and I am slowing peeling apart the layers to try to speak from a place that is not covered in the black tar of depression which i seem to be swimming in a lot. I am trying to write with words that plant seeds of happiness and flower in the most comforting way. So far all I seem to be doing is tying nots with metaphors and tripping over them in the natural rhythm of my writing. I know it can be confusing to understand but please i am trying to make my thoughts clear. But they are sand and the innumberability and infinity of them is rather overwhealming.

At the end of it all, when I close my eyes and think of our time together it is as soft as petals and as sweet at the most intoxicating perfume. It is not mine, your time is not mine and you are not mine. You belong to someone else.

We all want security, to feel safe, we need stability and consistency. It is an innate desire which is shared by all humans and trust. I trust you to make the right choice and to think with your head rather than that thing in your chest. In one year we will be different people, with different lives, in two years the patchwork of ourselves will have expanded beyond our current horizons and in 7 years each cell in our body shall be replaced and fit into a mold left behind by who we used to be yet we are not the same. The grooves of day to day life will have altered us and in 7 years 2,557 grooves will have changed our true selves a lot

Nine years is a lot of change and it was so comforting to see the same spark of life that drew me to you all those years ago. Nine years is a combination of 3287 days, 78,888 hours and 283,996,800 seconds and somewhere in all those numbers I see the same smile I did before and that real was a ray of sunshine in my life, so thank you. To think that in 3287 days I was somewhere in your head, Girl in the back of your mind, maybe not always consciously but still to be thought of means so much.

“The best feeling in the world is knowing your presence and absence both mean something to someone.”

Unknown

But maybe that is better? Maybe to remain in a box in the attic of your brain is a safe space and something that is easier to deal with. You have a plan, you may have doubts but all the best people doubt themselves and it is so natural. You will stay with what is safe, you will move in with this woman who you love who has been there physically for three years. Throwing all of this away for someone who you haven’t known since a child is ridiculous. I will forgive the wound in my chest and never forget the flowers of our time together. I will wish you nothing but happiness.

“Wherever I go, I will speak of you with love”

Clive Barker, The Thief of Always

Loosing me, I know it isn’t what you want. You care so much for me and i for you. I am not lost, I will continue to be and to grow, to be me. I shall continue to live and blossom. I just won’t be in your bubble, so to speak. At the moment I am shipwrecked in this isolated state of absence and trying to fill the void with tangible substances. I am sewing myself a blanket of metaphors and grasping at others words to help me understand the path still so ambitious in front of me. I am tripping over the right choices and trying not to fall into bad decisions and maybe one day I shall find happiness and a way of live that feels like the small infinities I share with those I love before i return to my island.You are so lucky, to have two people who love you and a path to walk. You may doubt it, but you are so lucky. We collided in the most beautiful way but it is over. We left physically unscathed, and the wounds in our hearts will turn to scares and make up the fabric of our new selves.

Maybe in five years, 8 years or 10 years we can see each other again, but I wouldn’t hold onto it. As it currently stands I don’t feel that I can be just friends, I can’t be in your life and not feel pain as I watch you with someone else. I don’t know if that will change but I feel something between us.

do you feel that? the cackling energy in the space between our fingertips as if the universe is begging for us to touch

Edgar Holmes, Her Favorite Color Was Yellow <https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36660045-her-favorite-color-was-yellow>

I have little experience with love, loss however is an old friend and a constant companion. Like I said before, I sit in this , the only constant I can have is myself. I can pulls myself through this tar surrounding my head, I can sail the ship across the ocean and find happiness. I do what i want so to speak.

Hope is dangerous, as is optimism, coming from someone who wears her heart proudly exposed for people to break I can tell you that no matter how many times hope is swept from under your feet and you are left with the pieces of youself shattered around you it never gets easier. In the end you become accustomed with the emotions and a stronger person emerges. I doubt that i will ever lock my heart away and refuse to allow anyone in. I probably should, it would save me from pain but when you lie to yourself you refuse to allow yourself to feel the good as well as the bad. If i had been closed to love i never would have found it within you and I don’t know who I would be right now if you hadn’t taken my hand and pulled me out from my tar and danced with me in the sunshine. I don’t know if I would have lines under my eyes from smiling or if the world would have looked so beautiful without the rose tinted glasses of your companionship.

Friendship:

“In your entire life, you can probably count your true friends on one hand. Maybe even on one finger. Those are the friends you need to cherish, and I wouldn’t trade one of them for a hundred of the other kind. I’d rather be completely alone than with a bunch of people who aren’t real. People who are just passing time.”

Sarah Ockler, Fixing Delilah

I feel as though if i were to stay in your life I wouldn’t feel real. I would be passing time and caught in a web of hope, craving your hand in mine and that is not honest. I am still getting through each day, taking each second as it comes and fighting through a cloud of tar to embrace and love each moment [Carpe diem] I am sizing the moment, but you, you need to seize the future because I have 100% certainty that yours is going to be spectacular.

In summery

•You should choose your girlfriend

•I have a long way to go before I can be in your life

•Maybe our stories will cross again but don’t hold onto that

•be happy

•????

I hope that you read this and that the combination of words makes sense this time. I hope that i got it right. I hope that you hold my words in your chest and that you never think badly of the girl in the back of your head and know that she forgives you for putting her in a box and ignoring her while you push through reality. I hope that the boy in my head (you) will forgive me for boxing him away and allow me to continue navigating my way to somewhere happier.