I relate to character Lisa Rowe from the movie Girl, interrupted more than anyone or anything. I don't think that people know that I know what their intentions or their goals are, just because I'm always trying so hard to be nice and polite. I know this may sound corny, but I either feel nothing or everything. It's never just one emotion, I have these sort of outbursts where I just hystericaly cry and feel pity for myself in a way. Everybody who I cared about left me and the only people who stayed are the ones I feel nothing to. I hate that when I finaly allowed myself to care, people throw away all my trust and just leave. I isolated myself since 2022 and I don't really talk to people. Just when I'm bored and know, that I will never meet them again. I can act confident, I can be practicaly anybody who I want, until they see me cry. I hate looking weak, but I just feel dead inside. This all is very self centred but I always analyze people before I talk to them, including myself. It's so hard to act stupid while knowing damn well who that person is or what is he/she trying to do. The only two people who I loved, genuenly loved left. One broke up with me and the other one died two months ago. Not that deep in my heart, I hate myself. I hate the way I am, but I know that even if I change everything, I can't change what is inside of me. I want to get some help or talk to someone, but in the end, I will end up alone anyway. No matter what I do, who I meet, how I act, everybody always finds a flaw, even if everything's perfect. I just hate people, so incredibly much. I wish I was never born at all into this disgusting, cruel world full of lying and selfish people. My cat was the only pure thing in this hell, she's dead and I don't want to live anymore, she was the only thing keeping me alive. I just want to disappear or run away from everything here.
