RIP Grandma
My grandmother passed away today. It’s fucking me up a lot more than I thought it would. That might be weird to say, but I guess I just I thought I’d be more prepared. She’s been sick for some time now; diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and constantly in and out of hospitals for most of my adult life. Turns out nothing can prepare you for when it actually happens.
My grandmother had a heart attack earlier this week. It scared me, but she’s strong; I thought she was gonna bounce back like she always does. But when I went to visit her in the hospital this time, she was sedated. She wasn’t breathing on her own, and the doctor said she suffered some brain damage. They hooked her up to a mini-life support machine for 72 hours. At the end of it all, they told us she would basically be a vegetable. My mom and her five sisters decided to pull the plug.
That was the only time I visited her during those 72 hours, then I went on living my life as normal. I knew the possibility of her dying was there, which made me feel guilty for going on with life. But I was also in denial, cuz like I said, she’s strong; she always ends up back home eventually. Just yesterday I was having fun with my in-laws, and today I’m an emotional wreck. I have a headache from crying so much.
I wasn’t as close to my grandmother as the rest of my cousins are, and that’s no one’s fault but my own. I love my family to death but I’m not a family person if that makes sense. I don’t call or visit family as often as I should; for some reason I just gravitate towards my friends more. But now, I’m regret not spending enough time with my grandmother. I wish we knew more about each other’s lives. I wish I reached out more and I’m just so sorry I didn’t. I’m sorry I made it seem like I was always too busy.
My heart aches today and I know it will for a long time, but I’m just glad to know you’re no longer in pain. Rest in peace my beautiful angel, I love you
